- Member Since 10th Apr, 2014
- offline last seen Oct 17th, 2020
Tinmane
I write stuff every once in a Jupiter summer solstice. Futurism is the way to go.
Tinmane
Joined 10th Apr, 2014 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'm reasonably sure this story needs a comedy tag for as much as it made me laugh. Especially the ending.
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-Nice to see Twilight going after Cadance for once, instead of her husband!
-
“But look at you! No longer just a regular old unicorn, if you ask me! And you’ve earned it, too!” Cadance gives Twilight a playful prod. Twilight stifles a giggle that turns into a muffled grumble, “Princess of Friendship Exploitation-”-- hard to tell who's speaking because paragraphs aren't broken up according to which character is doing things.-
way of apology when Cadance-- missing end of sentence.-
“I have an idea,” Twilight moves up,-- improper dialog tag.-Kind of a lot of section breaks.
-I'm really not sure what's going on with Cadance's dress. Graffiti? Why did it get torn? Charred?
-The 'let's find out if I'm a lesbian' angle is enough without adding incest and foot fetishes to it. The fetishy part takes the wind out of the experimenty part.
-Kind of cute ending
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 80/100
Allure: 60/100
Enticement: 55/100
Immersion: 70/100
Prose Quality: 80/100
Total Score: 345/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!