Girl in the Tower

Vaguely Demented

Vaguely Demented #1 · Apr 29th, 2020 · 3 · ·

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Curiosity dictates I ask if the chapter name is a reference to later versions of Kings Quest VI.

Jade Ring

Jade Ring #2 · Apr 29th, 2020 · 2 · ·

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10206937
You seem so far away...
And I just need to hear your voice...

Ariamaki

Ariamaki #3 · Apr 30th, 2020 · 1 · ·

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Given that my own Rarity-Celestia entry for the contest is going to have to wait (since it's already approaching the wordcount limit and I'm only just getting rolling), this gets my full approval in its stead.

Zervon Tora

Zervon Tora #4 · Apr 30th, 2020 · 1 · ·

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月の悪夢 A clever name for the Sorceress. Cosplay will never go out of style.

dirty little secret

dirty little secret #5 · May 24th, 2020 · · ·

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This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!

------ Review ------

Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-Steamy and confident.
-Repetitive 'she' sentences in 1st paragraph.
-Characterization a tad weak, necessitated because they're roleplaing almost the whole time, missed getting much sense of what their real relationship was like.
-your hoof and not my own.” She whispered. if it is to your liking.” She managed between licks. my lady.” Rarity whispered hotly. -- incorrect dialog punctuation.
-Very sweet and endearing.
-I liked how the roleplaying context took some things that would otherwise be cringeworthy fit and actually work.

------ Scores ------

To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 89/100
Allure: 79/100
Enticement: 80/100
Immersion: 94/100
Prose Quality: 87/100
Total Score: 429/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.

Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!

AJ Aficionado

AJ Aficionado #6 · May 24th, 2020 · 1 · ·

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The cover art is beautiful. I hope it wins the accompanying reward.

AJ Aficionado

AJ Aficionado #7 · Aug 4th, 2020 · 2 · ·

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Your contest winner is humanized which isn't my dig but I reckon your feral stuff deserves a look for being someone capable of winning such a contest.

With a final flap of her magnificent wings, Princess Celestia landed on the tower’s balcony. She shifted, her enchanted golden armor heavy on her slender but powerful frame. She looked behind her and peered over the railing at the lights of the city below. She smiled at the thought of the celebrations happening in her honor, the peasantry likely to party until the sun rose in recognition of their new-found freedom. No longer would the little ponies have to suffer under the cruel tyranny of the sorceress Akumu-no-tsuki, that wicked witch from the lands beyond the far east. The enchantress was destroyed, her legions of hell-fiends returned to the abyss from whence they came. The quest had been a long one, but worth it.

That's some pretty heavy-duty headcanon to drop in the very first paragraph. A lot of people came to read this for the whole contest thing like I'm doing now, and haven't got a clue what any of this means.

“A tongue as silver as your sword, I see.” Rarity stepped closer and looked over the railing.

That's a neat line! Not used to reading clops like this one. Very artsy!

Celestia looked away, almost shyly.

Weasel words in the third-person narration aren't a good look if they can be sometimes valid. In this instance given we're just dropped into the roleplay without any sort of setup, it feels very unnecessary since the characters 'getting into the act' as it were isn't a factor.

“Your beauty has consumed my thoughts ever since I first beheld you standing on this very spot, held captive by the sorceress.

I'm a dummy. The first paragraph isn't setting up anything real, it's all just roleplay. The way I normally play this sort of thing is to lead into the roleplay from a point of reality so we see things transition into the realm of fantasy. It's fine though; I eventually came around.

Rarity sighed as she returned the nuzzle. “You make a tempting offer, my hero. Many a night has passed recently when thoughts of you would not depart, and only my own touch could quell the burning in my loins enough to allow sleep to come.” She craned her neck so her lips were near the alicorn’s ear. “So often I would imagine it was your hoof and not my own.” She whispered.

Her unwillingness to use sexual adjectives and explicit descriptions is rather charming! I like it.

Rarity pulled away and nodded. “Perhaps it would be best if you joined me inside, my hero. Lest I impel you to deflower me on this very balcony.”

Perchance I might show mine fetlocks for thine amusement!

“Well, you didn’t act like that at all when we had our actual first time, dearest.”
“I’m playing a part.” Rarity pouted. “The virginal princess spurred to passion by the gallant hero.”

Ahh, there's the character break! Well, no one ever accused me of getting to the point. This accomplishes the same task quicker than a lead-in on the first act.

“And what a reward it is.” Celestia kissed the unicorn’s lips once more before sliding down her body. Her tongue left a wet trail from the mare’s chin, down her barrel, around both teats, before finally reaching their goal betwixt the alabaster thighs. Celestia took in her lover’s sex and blew upon it lightly. Rarity shivered from the blow and gasped as she winked. “In all my travels, never have I beheld a flower of such a perfect pink. How soft and sweet it looks…”

Great visual!

“With pleasure.” Celestia’s tongue crossed the unicorn’s lips. As the mare cried out, Celestia licked again. When she winked again, Celestia took the invitation and dove in, eating out the smaller pony with gusto.

Eating out? Oh, come on! Stop holding out on us!

While Rarity mewled and begged, Celestia explored and tasted every inch of her insides.

Her insides? Ewwww! This line is in desperate need of a better adjective! Nethers? Core? Slickened marehood? Love tunnel? Anything! "Insides" sounds like serial killer talk!

Rarity’s back arched as the older mare made a meal out of her, drinking in her coos and cries just as much as she was drinking her nectar. Celestia released her clit and began to twirling her tongue around it in rapid circles.

Made a meal out of her? What is she Hamburger Helper?

Rarity’s orgasm struck without warning and she cried out as her back arched and her hips lifted off the bed. She came into her lover’s mouth and let out a very unladylike squeal when Celestia’s actions didn’t slow, but sped up as she tried to drink every drop.

"Celestia's actions" is a bit vague. I know you're not trying to reuse highly specific adjectives but if I've learned anything from reading porn it's that there are always alternatives!

“My lady, if there was some way of bottling it so I could carry it on my journey, I would give all my worldly possessions for but a single flask.”

I am a bit curious about what it tastes like, being a pheromone enthusiast. A dry wine? A rare and succulent flower? Marshmallows perhaps?

“You appear to have another sword, my hero. One of gold instead of silver.”

Dost thou not know that gold and silver do not match? Thy fashion transgression is unforgivable!

“One very much in need of a sheath.”

Congratulations on being one of the few people I know who can spell the word 'sheath' correctly.

Although, stallions do technically have one, even if magical construct futanari Celestia doesn't.

“A sheath I can provide you, my hero.” Rarity pushed back and sighed with contentment as the first few inches slid into her sopping wet core. “I can only hope it is worthy of such a weapon.”

Some pretty cute back in forth there involving Celly's dick.

Their shadows danced on the walls, black reliefs in flickering orange.

Another really nice detail!

Solid effort. Great job on the editing in this story. I'll admit this style of clop isn't to my taste. I prefer something with a bit more trainwreck value but I can appreciate this all the same. The cunnilingus is my only real complaint about this story. It just felt... bland, as cunnilingus almost always does when it's not being written by a specialist in the field. The rest was quite nice and all the more impressive for the short period of time you had to write it in. Have like #80. You've earned it!

Jade Ring