Cloudy Skies
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
The sound continued repeatedly, and to Sweetie's ears, it seemed to never falter, fade, or stop.
Of course it didn't.
Sweetie Belle couldn't see anything at first, but that was because she never wanted to
open her eyes. She felt around with her hoof before realizing that she couldn't do anything that way. The filly finally opened her eyes and immediately burst into tears as she remembered what had happened.
Rarity. Rarity. Rarity. What had become of her older sister?
She sighed, and examined the room she was in. Sweetie was lying on a flat, white hospital bed, wearing a plain white hospital gown. It itched a lot, but she was too curious about why she was there to really care.
A familiar pony, Nurse Redheart, she remembered, came into the room with a clipboard and pen in her hooves. She turned her head, noticing that her young patient awake.
"Good, you're awake," she spoke in a monotone voice, one which spoke words Sweetie could predict.
"Um...yeah, I'm awake."
She seemed to be hiding something behind the boring tone. Sweetie could obviously tell that she was crying. After all, her eyes were brimmed with red; the nurse didn't try to conceal it in her expression after realizing Sweetie had noticed, sitting with eyes filled with curiosity and worry, and soon the mare that was supposed to be strong in situations of despair had silver tears lining her eyes.
Sweetie knew that the nurse had a big heart for patients, but the filly was curious as to what exactly happened. She knew Nurse Redheart didn't cry that often in her years of work.
"What happened, nurse...pray tell?" the young filly spoke, recalling the fancy choice of words her sister used. She hoped they would make the nurse feel better.
The nurse hesitated. She took a tissue from a pocket of her uniform, and wiped her tears. When she finally spoke, her voice was shaky. "...are you ready?"
That was a bit peculiar to Sweetie Belle. She wasn't sure how she should answer. "Ready for...what?"
"There w--" she started, then after glancing at Sweetie, she shook her head and cut off her words abruptly. "N-nevermind, I...I can't."
The filly's eyes widened and she was quick to refuse, "No! I'm ready. Really."
Nurse Redheart's expression softened, and she smiled as if she was sad for her, to Sweetie's surprise. Her hooves made clicking noises on the floor as she approached Sweetie Belle's bed.
"Do you remember anything, Sweetie?"
The filly gave her a questionable look.
The nurse sighed. "Do you remember anything of what happened before you... awoke?" Nurse Redheart tried to give a small smile, but Sweetie could still notice the sadness in her voice and expression. She figured that she was trying to make Sweetie Belle more comfortable.
The young unicorn took the hint gratefully, and explained. "I think I was dreaming. I woke up, took a shower, and walked around, then there was a lot of smoke and I almost didn't make it to the door but something, or someone pushed me. And then I saw..."
She couldn't continue. Her eyes widened, thoughts racing through her mind, and Sweetie couldn't find her voice.
"Regular morning process, I suppose?" Nurse Redheart asked, changing the subject quickly.
"Yeah."
"Do you want me to tell you?"
"Tell me what?" Sweetie pretended not to be too worried, though she was almost completely sure she was terrible at hiding it.
Redheart sighed for the umpteenth time. She pushed back her mane with a hoof and tried to smile once again. It faded right away. The nurse's eyes gleamed innocencently, but she seemed to be quite depressed.
"I'm ready, Nurse. Trust me," Sweetie answered seriously, "Please, I'm curious."
The nurse sighed, looking at the ceiling, then back at Sweetie Belle.
"Do you love your sister, Sweetie?" She asked, her voice shaky.
Sweetie Belle nodded. "Of course!" The white filly replied, "I love her more than anything."
The nurse bit her lip. "I hate this, I hate this," she muttered, then looked Sweetie in the eye, "Th..there was a fire in Carousel Boutique. The police rescued your body from outside the shop, and looked almost everywhere for your sister.They were just about to give up when they found your sister, Rarity. However...her body was burnt beyond repair."
Sweetie Belle held back tears; she knew that if she cried the Nurse would not go on. The filly decided to fade away her emotions minutes, and nodded at Nurse Redheart, signaling her to keep going.
"We sent you and Rarity to the hospital at once, and you still had a pulse. Rarity, unfortunately..." She paused, unable to put it into words. "Ponyville has lost one of its best ponies, and Equestria one of the Elements of Harmony."
Sweetie tried, but she couldn't hold back her tears any longer.
The nurse noticed this and shook her head. "I knew I shouldn't have told you," she sighed, "I feel like I've committed a crime, making you cry like this. You weren't ready."
"N-no! I...I'm sorry, nurse...it's just..." She sniffled and moved her hoof to wipe away her tears, "It's kind of hard for me, okay? But I'm okay now."
Nurse Redheart nodded. "I--I'll let you have some time alone. You need to rest," she quickly turned and walked away, closing the door slowly behind her.
A minute later, the older pony's shadow disappeared from the door.
Sweetie looked around, making sure there was nopony nearby. It was completely quiet in the room, the air fresh but dusty. She didn't care about that though; the filly could already feel the tears dampening her fur.
Sweetie Belle dug her face into the pillow and cried for the rest of the afternoon.
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Something I threw together cuz I wanted too. I hope you're not sad...
1534368
So much fluttercry
1535456
1533863 No I'm not ;D It's awesome, but I do get a bit sad when I read things with anypony dying in it, especially Rarity :]
1562966 Rarity does make the best effect when dying. Sorry for the sadness though!
Another future author
1715429 What? Oh thx!
1715441UR WELCOME
1533863
A little late for that...
Anyways...I feel so bad for Sweetie! Arghh, and Rarity too! How depressing...
It was pretty good grammatically. There were a few parts that could have been worded better, and a few minor mistakes. For instance:
That could have been worded in a way that was more dramatic. Yes, the meaning was clear, but the way it was written didn't carry the amount of emotion it should have.
Also...
Isn't Nurse Redheart an earth pony?
Wouldn't it be better if it was written like this:
"The police rescued your body from outside the shop, and looked almost everywhere for your sister."
I think you meant to put 'buried,' as the word you chose sounds a bit weird due to context.
Also due to context, the word 'quickly' isn't needed. It sounded odd when I was reading over it.
Too many commas and it was worded strangely. It would sound better like so:
"She quickly turned and walked away, closing the door slowly."
I honestly am not sure what is happening here. I'd suggest revising and being more specific on what collapsed.
'She' should be capitalized, and I would move 'carefully' so it would be after 'words.'
If there are any other errors, they're mostly word choice and the flow of the piece. It's very beautiful, but the errors here and there take some of the gusto out of it. Do you understand? A quick one-over by an editor/prereader or even by yourself would help with that.
I hope I helped you, and I'll be looking forward to the next chapter! If you need any help, feel free to ask.
1763607 Hey, do you want to be my proofreader?
1766172
Sure, that sounds like fun.
1769518 Thank you
all you have to do is just take a chapter, edit all the mistakes, and send it to me :) easy!
Thank you so so much again!
1769663
You're welcome.
Okay, I can do that. Via PM?
I'll go ahead and do the chapters you already have.
1769712 Yep, via PM! Yeah, and when I get another chapter I'll send it to you!
I hate it when I find good stories that just stop in the middle