It had been a month. A full somewhat rough month since Princess Twilight Sparkle opened her School of Friendship. Along side her friends, personal student and personal assistant/ little brother. Everything was peaches and cream lately.
Though unknown to the princess and her friends. Six special students one day by the names of Gallus, Sandbar, Smolder, Yona, Silverstream and Ocellus. Along with a few others. Discover a creature unlike any they've seen before.
What will come next, is any creatures guess. But one way or another, all will remember the name of the creatures simply know as... Arrancar's.
Chapters (5)
i'm not one to read barely started story and i did notice some thing i dislike in the first chapter but, i like this first taste and i love arrancar so~~
i'm tracking this and leaving a like for motivation.
hope to see more of it, not immediately or even often but from time to time just to read some potentially good fic.
what i liked
-arrancar
-original characters since most story use ulquiora or stark and lilith.
-good sized chapter.
-not frequently used mlp characters as focus.
-relatively easy to follow dialogue between multiple characters.
what i didn't like
-some phrase just sound wrong when said out loud especially when you take into account who said it.
(“Well… Gallus?”
“Right.” Gallus replied waving her off as they just kept on walking down the pathway before them “Why you ask. To be hones it’s because of an indecent an hour ago me and Silver had witnessed.”)
without counting the indecent/incident mistake, those two words just don't fit gallus and are too formal between friends.(in my opinion.)
-some cliche: appear in everfree forest? check
unknown disembodied benevolent voices? check
sudden inner monologue/emotional characters?check
-deus ex machina, she just happened to 1:be close of the kids and 2:go out of her way to help them, she only helped her fraccion’s because they were female hollow, which is rare. also she still has the very same wound that paralyzed her moments before but suddenly can sonido around and fight? even do a cero?
still, the bad points aren't as massive as they appear, they are easy to fix or gloss over since they are only isolated event, while the good points can be built upon , all of them.
wish you luck and hope to see more of you and your story.
Dude you really need to rework the main description of your story, it is so incredibly choppy.
The ENTIRE second paragraph, even though it has several periods, doesn't contain a single sentence!
Right now I'm too scared to read your story because of what may be reflected in the main work.
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Well, in all fairness, descriptions are a bitch to write compared to main stories. If I was better at writing my own descriptions I'd have far more stories published than I do presently.
MLP X Bleach? Great, I'm interested
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First of thank you for taking the time to read my story in the first place. It is much appreciated. Also yeah I can see the points with the con's here. I appreciate your honesty on it. Though I will say. Some of the oddities are there for reasons, only some. What they are I will not say, but hey one point of my story is to get readers to questioned it. Make's what I have planned later all the more fun to write.
But again thank's for the feed back, hope to keep you entertained with the future chapters!
10132689
Thank you and I hope to please Lord Aizen!!!
What happens next pls tell me
10138355
You shall see one way or another, I hope you'll enjoy what's to come next!!
Are you going to incorperate any of the of the new stuff from "Can't fear your own world" novels in the story for Harribel? Just curious.
10141693
I'm half, half on that actually. I may, but I'll see when I get into the later chapters. Right now is just the slow start.
Okay! Hi!
Let's get down to business. Overall, great love it. Takes a lot of imagination to write, and you've got that in spades. Even more so to publish it for the world to see. You've got something interesting going on here, and I hope you can keep it up. Would hate to see another writer suddenly stop. I did a big cleaning of my tracking and read it later lists.
Let me start off with my nit picks and pet peeves:
Personally, not a big fan of location/time stamps. I find them lazy, though I think one of my story uses them and I regret that mistake. Use that ability I see you already have to create almost seamless transitions. That stamp can be jarring. Again personal preference.
Next is the syntax and semantics. You've got grammatical errors going on, do you edit your own stuff? If you do take your time, don't get caught up in the excitement in uploading a new chapter. A thing I like to do is I write maybe half a page to a page. Stop. And then read what I've written so far and see how things are. Repeat this process making sure to start from the beginning. That repetition will solidify the setting in your head, and help you catch any errors you may have read. These could be grammatical errors or plot inconsistencies.
You also got a word you can't help but want to use and that's "though." Though I am a huge fan of compound sentences and such, I found your utilization of the word confusing. I'm not saying don't use it, just be more aware of it. My previous tip helps with this issue. Reread slowly, and out loud if possible. You'll start to realize that some phrasings sound weird when heard. Don't worry too much though, I have my word too. I can't help but over use "as" as well as an abundance of commas.
Lastly, can't you call the "six youths" a "group?" Sure, it lengthens your word count, but you can easily one word. Reading the same phrase or word over and over again gets tiresome, especially if you're not doing it for a creative reason to drive home a point. For example, you decide to describe the same thing, it could be a place, a period of time, or a character. You describe it from different points of view using the same structure for each. This emphasizes a juxtaposition.
Let's get on to the good. It's hard to talk about good for me, I'm a negative person.
I love your description. In that fight scene I really felt myself seeing and imagining those motions happening. You descriptions also leave enough room for the reader to imagine. You could try and pump every detail out, but the reader will see what they see. Can't control that.
I love your characters. They have there personalities from the show, and you add to that. You didn't take away from it, and I felt as though you didn't try and change them.
I love the concept. It's been a while since I finished the Bleach series. And this makes me want to rewatch it!
(Just noticed I used a bit of repetition.)
Keep up the good work, I'll be following along this adventure. If you need an editor, I'd love to give it a shot, but you might want to check out my work beforehand. You wouldn't want my style of writing to ruin your's. I wouldn't want that either. Instead it should add, and make it better.
Anyway, that's enough over analyzing a fanfic for me. I'm not a pro, just someone who needs a creative outlet. Toodles!
10143555
Hello back!!
Okay so read your comment and first off. I do thank you for having taken your time to read this first chapter of my story. I appreciate it.
Now then I do admit, I agree with your con's on this. I've have been doing what I can to do a new writing style. Just here and there you know. But I do get where you're coming from with them.
Also I think I'll take your advice on stopping on a page and re-reading. I tend to go into like overdrive once I start writing. Which can tend to give me too many pages to feel like re-reading until I'm at the end of said chapter. Oh and yes I do my own editing. I'll say at the moment I'm not looking for an editor mainly because of my odd scheduled this past year. But I shall keep you in mind if I do start looking, I thank you for the offer either way.
Finally thank you for the good points too. I tend to do what I can best when it comes to character's and their personalities. Sometimes I do fear the worst, but I'm glad they seem pretty spot on from what you've explained. Oh also yeah I do like to add onto the personalities more, give them a bit more when or if I can. Give the characters reasons behind their actions too when I can at least.
What I'm just trying to say is that. Thank you for the honest and civil comment. Also thank you again for taking your time to read this and leave a helpful comment. Then lastly I do hope I keep you entertained in the near future of this story.
Until next we speak, I wish you great day's ahead!!!
10143630
Hi again!
It's always nice to hear back from writers who want to improve in any way. Shows their want to improve, as well as their acceptance of criticism.
I can't imagine rereading a whole 9,000 word chapter to edit without already having read it and edited as I wrote.
A few more tips:
I've already mentioned start from the beginning and read out loud as much as possible. But rereading from the beginning everytime can be cumbersome, especially if you continue to write 9,000 words a chapter. So if you have any major time skips or setting changes, you can start there instead. But if you do mention anything in reference to previous sections, make sure everything lines up. And also, don't forget about that Kirchoff's gun stuff too.
I've said take your time when editing, but more importantly, take a break. Don't look at what you've for a day or two. Comeback to it with fresh eyes and a fresh mind. You'll notice things you haven't noticed before if you were to just keep looking at the screen for hours on end. (Also helps if your a student writing an essay, so there's that too.) And that's all I got at the moment.
Keep up the good work, keep up the open mind! Don't let any criticism chip at you negatively. As writers, we are the most critical and the most harsh when it comes to reviewing our work. Good luck!
Toodles!
(For the sake of consistency, I have resigned my self to this sign off that is nothing like my actual personality. I cringe.)
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Hello once more. : )
Well good to hear from you and thank's for the advice. But yeah I actually do other fics on Fanfiction.net. Those are usually around 28,000 to maybe if it comes to it; 40,000 words per chapter. Those, oh those can be tiresome to re-read over, but I still enjoyed writing them. Still these chapter are pretty long too consider most stories I've seen when it comes to word count. Not meaning that in a bad way. Just something I've always notice.
Also thanks for the word's of encouragement, I do appreciate them and I will try to start doing some of the suggestions you gave me. I believe it will really help me out now that I'm thinking about it more.
Anyway's again thank you and I hope to keep you entertained in the later chapters!!
What happens next please tell me
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Oh don't worry, I'm working on the next chapter. Just been more busy this past month since the virus started. Like IRL stuff, that and a heat wave were I live at made it hard for me to concentrate on writing.
BUT, the next chapter will be up as soon as possible.
The young six being present in a HIE story grabs my interest, but I haven't seen Bleach. Is this story accessible for someone with little knowledge of the source material?
Now that I see their a second chapter I feel more comfortable getting into the story knowing it's not a one chapter wonder
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Maybe, I would say it helps. BUT to be honest, most events in Bleach that occurred involving the Arrancar's will be mentions in like small snippets. Nothing that would be spoilers or would have to have you know a lot about Bleach. I try to make my stories mainly for fun. I mean if you want you can look up like explanation videos on the Bleach story. IF you want to or don't have the time to like sit down and watch through all the series of Bleach or read the manga.
Basically what I'm saying is that no. You don't really need to know a lot on Bleach. It helps, but you don't and I won't be doing spoilers. If I do, I'll make it in a way that doesn't really well spoil much if anything. If you care about that of course. So yeah, enjoy the story for what it is!!!
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Yeah don't worry, I'll be keeping on this story as much as possible. Won't be giving up on it. Only thing is that I like have a few good other fic's on other sites. Much older one's and longer one's chapter wise. So it does take time for me, that and this whole virus thing has just made it a bit harder for me. Not in a bad way, just well more busy lol.
But again I will do all I can to keep this story updated. Still I'm glad you've enjoy the chapter and I can't wait to show you and everyone more to come!!!
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Best of luck
10241202
Thank you.
Im glad to see a new chapter
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(P.S: On a real side note, glad you're enjoying the story so far. More will be up hopefully soon. 
)
And I am pleased that you are pleased Lord Aizen!!
You need an editor. Badly.
YES!!! I like that this story updated and am looking forward to the next eventual one.
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Glad you like my story, sorry for the wait. But like I said in my recent blog. Was a bit busy these few months more then usual. But anyways, can't wait to show ya'll what's coming up next!!
Awesome
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Glad to please.
soloquotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Motivational-Quotes-Stay-Amazing.jpg
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Sorry for the late response, but thank you kindly!!
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I cant wait for more
The story is looking good from a storyline point, but I think you need a proofreader to go over this chapter. There were many spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors. Just as an example I think you only spelled Cadance' s name correctly twice in this entire chapter.
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Ah okay, thanks for the heads up. Hope you enjoy the chapters to come.
long time, glad to know this story in not dead
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And I am glad to please!
Sorry about that though. Just lots of IRL stuff.
I have to give you a props for using a character that isn't used very often in fanwork. I can't wait to see how they all use their powers for equestria.