An explosion rocked the air over Ponyvile, as a burst of crimson red energy rocketed out of the horn of a black alicorn and into the chest of a giant monster which seemed to be a pegasus made out of storm clouds.
The alicorn in question was all black, with red hair that was incredibly messy in style. His wings had red highlights and one of his eyes was red, and the other was blue. He wore a signature shit-eating grin as he snapped two gryphon claws he had in place of front hooves pointing at the monster.
"Give up Tornado! You know you can't beat me! Why don't you just get rid of that cloud armor and just surrender?" The alicorn asked slyly as the cloud monster reformed the hole that had been blasted in its chest.
"Never you annoying little pest!" The creature roared. With a slash of one of its cloudy hooves, a lightning bolt formed in the air and shot at the speed of light towards Derek. Derek chuckled and, with no effort, dodged out of the way of the lightning bolt which sailed past him.
It kept sailing and slammed into the ground with an explosion next to a small Deer buck, who didn't even flinch. This was Johan, and unlike his friend Derek, he was not special at all. He just looked like every other deer on the planet, with no special defining features baring the fact that he lived in Equestria. Well, that and the permanent disappointed, or even depressed look on his face.
Both Johan and Derek had ended up in Equestria after they died in a car accident or some other generic thing, and after the initial confusion that came with suddenly finding yourself in a magical planet, the two had settled into their lives in Ponyville. Derek had become the hero, the one everyone in the world looked up to, mainly due to the fact that he literally arrived as an unstoppable magical demigod, while Johan just settled down and became just a regular old townie. A regular townie, who Derek always kept close to him.
Johan sighed, and turned around. A massive crowd was gathered behind him, all of their eyes turned to the sky to watch Derek go to work. At the front of the crowd was the Elements of Harmony, who watched with stunned wonder as, for the thousandth time since arriving, Derek fought a monster that they couldn't even hurt, even with their necklaces of magical power.
"Wow! Derek is so cool!" Pinkie Pie said with a pure giddy smile on her face, as Rainbow Dash smirked.
"You know he is! I wonder if I can beat him in a race this time! Sixth times the charm right?"
Johan sighed again and turned to walk away. He almost made it out of the crowd before he was stopped by a purple magical shield.
"Where are you going Johan? Don't you want to watch Derek fight?" Twilight Sparkle asked him. Johan rolled his eyes.
"Oh yes, I certainly want to watch Derek effortlessly win the third fight this week. Woot woot." Johan replied pumping his hoof. Twilight looked at her friends before just shrugging and turning her eyes back to the fight.
The shield disappeared and Johan simply walked past, ignoring all the 'ooos' and 'ahhhs' that emanated from the mystified population of Ponyville. Eventually, the sound of explosions, thunder, and lightning slowly faded out of earshot as he neared the edge of town, his face turned downwards the entire time.
With a sigh, Johan looked up. His and Derek's houses at right next to each other. Well, next to each other was a disservice. It looked more like his house was a shack where the help lived at Derek's house.
Derek's house looked like a massive mansion, incomprehensibly large with stone buttresses, towers, and a front lawn that looked like it took fifty gardeners to take care of. Statues of Derek dotted the roof and garden as stained glass windows which included images of Derek's many victories sat comfortably in the massive walls.
Johan's house, instead, was just a small shack with a tile roof, windows with shutters instead of glass, and cobblestone walls. It was small, so small in fact, that the entire front of the house was smaller than one of Derek's windows.
Johan shook his head and merely opened his door, entering his small cottage. The kitchen and living room took up the same room. He didn't have a dining room, just a coffee table in front of his couch. Another door divided the house in half, his bedroom on the other side. Johan simply walked to the kitchen, grabbed a bowl and a box of cereal. He poured the cereal and went to the fridge to get some milk, but opening it just got him blasted in the face with a disgusting smell.
Johan stumbled back and looked inside to see that his milk was expired.
"Great... As if today could get any worse." He growled, kicking the fridge door closed.
He merely resolved to take his dry cereal over to the couch and eat it alone. He was always alone. He barely had time to shovel the first load of bland tasting Raisin Bran into his mouth before he heard a slight boom from outside, he looked out one of his windows to see a cloud of dust.
"Oh, great. Thanks for tempting fate Johan." He moaned to himself, covering half his face with a hoof.
'You're welcome.' a faceless voice said in his mind.
There was a knock on his door. He ignored it and just kept eating. Then there was another, followed by jiggling on the door handle. He tried his hardest to pretend it wasn't there.
Then the door handle on his side was wrapped in a crimson aura and slammed open with enough force to knock bits and baubles off the single shelf he had in the room, and knock the single painting he had in the entire house off the wall. It was of a deer being mauled by a wolf. God did he wish he was in that deer's place right now.
"Hey hey Johan! I missed you at the fight, man!" Derek said as he walked into the room, slamming the door closed behind him.
Johan sighed for what felt like the thousandth time that day. "I didn't think you needed me. You always seem to be so capable on your own." He mumbled, taking another bite of Raisen Bran. "Could you please put all the stuff you knocked over back please."
Derek laughed. "Come on man. I need my buddy there with me when I am fighting. You know. For moral support." He said as he used magic to rearrange the books, trinkets, and small sculptures his entrance had knocked off of Johan's single shelf.
"Don't you have the Elements of Harmony to do that for you? Alongside literally everyone else in town?" Johan said standing up and bringing his empty bowl to the sink. "Wouldn't people who want to sleep with you make for better moral support than me?"
Derek blinked several times. "Ah come on man. The Elements are just friends." He chuckled. "Besides, you're still my oldest friend man. You're like my little brother you know?"
Johan growled under his breath at that as he cleaned the bowl. "Little brother? I am a year older than you."
"You know what I mean." Derek chuckled as he put the painting of the unfortunate encounter of the deer and the wolf back up on the wall.
"Sheesh, don't you think this is kind of morbid?" He asked. Johan ignored him, sitting back down on the couch.
Derek stared at him for a couple of seconds expecting a response before shrugging. "Anyway... I am having a race with Rainbow Dash today near Ghastly Gorge. Want to come?"
"Why? You always win. No point in coming if I already know how it is going to end." Johan sighed laying down. "I think I am just going to go to sleep or something."
Derek laughed, walking over and petting Johan between the antlers. "Ok, bud. Have a good night or whatever."
"Yeah, goodnight."
Derek went over to the door, stopping just before leaving. "Hey, can I ask a favor?"
"Oh sure. Ask a favor. What can I, a weak pathetic little deer, possibly do for you?" Johan asked. Derek didn't notice to absolute venom in his voice.
"Well, tomorrow I am having a date with Twilight Sparkle. She thought it would be a little awkward if it was just the two of us. I was wondering if maybe you could find someone and come. Make it a double date you know?" Derek asked with a smile.
Johan looked down and exhaled. "Yeah. Sure."
Derek gave him a thumbs up. "Thanks Johan!" The alicorn hybrid closed the door behind him and walked away, leaving Johan alone. The deer sighed and threw his head back, running a hoof along with one of his antlers.
He looked back to his fridge and sighed, standing up. Derek would probably pay for the food, so him going would probably get him a free meal. Lord knows he needed it.
He opened the fridge and covered his nose at the blast of rancid air that hit him right in the face. Time to go shopping.
Well, you've done something I thought wasn't possible. You made displaced even dumber than it already is. Which statistically should be impossible since no one bothers to try and make a good story out of the dung heap genre.
But you somehow did, by making what is supposed to be the main character even more useless than they already are.
And then there's that... thing, his friend is. I'm not even touching that. Upvote just for the sheer WTF??? factor.
10267918
Glad you liked it ;)
10267939
I will make you a deal little deer I will make you immortal and all you have to do is to tell your friend how you truly feel that is all
Sounds very promising so far keep it up.
is it just me or does the way their lives have gone screem something is verry wrong here?
You’ve actually gotten me interested in a Displaced story. Not that there’s anything wrong with them; they’re just not my thing. But I’m interested to see where this one goes!
so its like megamind
I like the premise, seems to be going in an interesting direction.
The lack of a comedy tag is especially intriguing. Most stories with similar premise are usually just filled to the brim with jokes and don't take themselves seriously, which isn't a bad thing, but it's interesting to see one that intends to take a more serious approach.
Looking forward to more.
10267918
Yes ladies and gentlemen I agree with the person right here. This man did somthing brave that we're all too dumb to do, he took a huge dump and I mean massive dump for seemingly no reason on creativity, a thing that is dying on this website yet he decides to become an edgy teen and take a dump on creativity because it looks cool.
If you can't tell by my writing I'm being sarcastic. I can understand why some people are tired with the HIE genreand it's because theyre becoming boring and bland, so what do people do to solve this crisis? Well they get creative, as seen with this fic. So far this looks interesting,, Can't wait for more chapters, I feel bad for Johan and Derek as a dick that doesn't know he's a dick.
And jesus christ moron87 If you really don't like a certain genre avoid reading stuff from that certain genre.
Oh boy, he's one of those guys.
Anyway, I'm interested in where this is going. Keep up the good work.
10268406
The 'Don't like don't read' bit, isn't going to get them to stop. They'll read the story regardless due to 1. they hate the genre so much that they can't stop nor control themselves from reading it, giving it a Dislike, then proceed to bash it into the ground of why they hated the Displaced even on stories that have a high like to dislike rating/popularity. 2. They're trolling and they're just bashing the Displaced story for the sake of getting angry comments that amuses them. 3. Guilty pleasure. 4. they're easily angered by people who don't try to be original. 5. They find some sort of sick pleasure when they torture themselves, like Hamster Master.
I'm going to read this story, but things better get better for Deerbro. I don't want to see a sad human just be sad, stay sad, and die sad. I want to see some redemption or reward for his perseverance in his awful situation. He doesn't have to surpass his buddy Sonic the Alicorn in power through convoluted means, he doesn't have to discover the cure for acute magical constipation and become rich, and he doesn't have to marry all or even one of the princesses and be granted immortality. I just want this little guy to find lasting happiness in this world, even if the road to getting there is difficult, dangerous, or even miserable.
Deerbro has had a lot of shit slung into his life, and some nice fuckin' flowers better pop up outta all o' that manure. I wanna see him frollicking amongst the shit-flowers! I wanna see my dude go up into that field of flowers and prance about merrily, to and fro, and just really appreciate the hell out of that field, understanding that all the shit in his past helped provide nutrients for all these awesome flowers that he finally gets to enjoy!
Not bad. I'm always interested to see people make a spin on the displaced formula. Keep it up, I'll be watching with interest.
10267918
Displaced stories are usually bad, the bastard progeny of a self insert and a crossover, a shallow excuse for a writer to create a powerfantasy for themselves while stealing the achievements, traits and stories of better characters. So i understand your displeasure with this type of stories.
But this, my friend, is different. It steals no elements from other characters and the protagonist is actually under-powered. Weakness, jealousy, resentment, depression, ambition, this are elements for conflict and can be used as the backbone for a well-written story. This has potential.
I only hope the story doesn´t takes a path of self-pity and hopelessness, and finishes at same place were it starts, after all the best characters are those who change and grow, and best stories are stories of men triumphing over adversity.
10268674
You didn't seem to read what I said. I am shitting on the Displaced genre, not the story. The story is actually good and I like it.
But the genre does not have a good track record of originality. So I came here based on the short description, and I'm glad I did.
If the author doesn't like what I say and doesn't want me to, then let them tell me that themselves, and I'll listen to them. Not to random commenters who don't like an opinion and someone who isn't afraid to share it.
10268753
I know right? Glad someone around here has sense to think about it. I wouldn't have even come here at all and just kept going. Except the short description and basically turning this genre and its tropes on its head.
im pretty sure you meant to use "the"
10268701
i giggled at "Sonic The Alicorn" take an upvote. but personally i want it to go dark. i want him to betray and mabey even go so far as kill his "friend".
10268787
media1.giphy.com/media/gIZyaV450wlY3DTt3V/giphy.gif
Are deer even real, though?
My interest?: Peaked
My anticipation?: High
My opinion?: Like, Fave, Follow.
I’ll be honest, not many stories start off with an interesting enough premise and good enough writing to earn a fave from me in the first chapter, much less a chapter that's less than two-thousand words long. Honestly I'm just upset I didn't find the story after its done, so I could read it all at once.
10268932
They weren't in the show, they are in the comic book
well from what i read in the description , find a new friend to hang out with so you don't Your best friend so much
First off sorry, I'm not one to rant on the obvious, but I have some personal history with bad friends and I feel like I cant fall asleep till I let this out. So feel free to ignore.
Derek is a bad friend. He either sees that Johan is upset and actively ignores it, hoping that by acting like Johan is fine , the issue will go away. Or he's oblivious to it. Even in that case, a decent friend would be invested in their friends emotional well being and ask or notice the signs. For those who say a friend doesnt need to be invested in their friends emotional well being, yes your right, but that's the difference between a friend and a good friend. Someone who knows you better and tries to support you. Derek is supposed to be Johan's best friend, and it should be obvious to him that Johan is unhappy. The main 6 barely get a pass because we cant tell how close they are to Johan, but it's obvious that the focus of the group is Derek, leaving Johan feeling like a tag along. So in summary, we have a group that's goal is the adoration of one, thus sidelining the other, and the focus is too busy up his own ass to realize how much he's hurting Johan. Essentially the nightmare moon scenario.
Johan isnt off the hook in this either. It's clear that the relationship has gone sour a long time ago, but instead of dealing with it, he has been wallowing in self pity and letting the situation fester. Not being upfront with Derek and calling him out on his shit allows Derek to continue to ignore his Johans feelings, perpetuating the issue. It also seems that Johan doesnt seem to be actively trying to better his situation in the whole, but that needs to be seen with more story.
The best thing for Johan to activley do is to sit down and talk to Derek and the main 6, then move on. Be upfront of his feelings of jealousy and inadequacy, but also making them aware of their own failings to be proper friends. Afterwards, it would be best if Johan left. While the talk would make the others aware of the problem and be cathartic for him, it's not a magic solution. Right after the talk, the relationship of the group would severely shaken and Johan's presence would just add tension. While they might have been bad friends, Johan can't expect them to change themselves for him. He should leave ponyville, either temporarily or permanently, to find relationships that dont focus on Derek. Possibly go to the Alicorn sisters. It would help to talk to Luna, who went through the same scenario and would understand his feelings. This would also be a chance to learn from them and hopefully work on his feelings on inadequacy. Most importantly, Johan needs friends that values him for himself, not as someone attached to Derek.
If the situation isn't dealt with, Johan would probably result in either a self destructive path such as suicide or an outwardly destructive path. At best, he goes the path of Stygian and does something extreme and dangerous to match or surpass Derek's strength. Or worse, he goes the path Nightmare Moon and tries to destroy the source of his pain directly, Derek.
Or you know, magic might solve everything somehow
Once again sorry for all this, especially if you read this entire mess. This is just my feelings stemming from personal experience with being in a toxic group of "friends". Hopefully by letting this off me chest, I can fall asleep now. Nighty night
10268674
Or a vast majority of Displaced stories suck horrendously? They tend to be overpowered, self-insert mary sues with flavor of the week super powers and no concept of pacing. But unlike a majority of the readers of those fics (The ones who simply comment "Moar plz" or other such useless sentiments), some people actually look for quality. There are good examples of Displaced stories, but they're very few and far between. Mighty Warrior of Epicness is one such that springs to mind immediately - plus the Skeletor one - but a good 90% of the genre is hot garbage.
Haven't read this story yet. Description seems kinda cringe, but that's mostly just because of the description of this Derek character. I do like the take on the main character basically being a sidekick instead of the main focus, and am hoping it does deliver in some regard towards my relatively low standards.
Hm... okay, I know this is basically making fun of the Displaced/HiE/self-insert genre, but my god was that almost painful to read. Derek is, quite honestly, a douche. As was Twilight when she pulled that magical shield to stop someone from leaving just because "But who wouldn't want to watch super oc fight baddies". Then there was the entire interaction between the two of them in his house.
I felt sorry for the main character, but at the same time did kind of agree with a previous commenter. Unless Johan actually stands up for himself, it's really not going to get better. I'll probably end up tracking this to see where you take the story, but at this point I might already be rooting for a character death (Because unless there's some serious character swerve, I don't see much else fixing the mary sue).
10269237
Except that's more the writers themselves than the Displaced genre itself. See, when it first started out, the most popular was the first story that did it. Everyone joined in wanting to do their own Displaced but sadly, used the same thing as the first story that got popular. This also applies to HiE. So why not bash the writer, not the genre?
10269251
You do realize that the writers are the genre, right? It wouldn't be a genre if only one person wrote about it and it died off.
Amusing enough, I say. Though while admittedly I can see how the Deer gets annoyed, I'm hoping he isnt actually gonna blow up on... What's-his-name (The freak of nature). True, it's bad luck he didn't get overpowered abilities, but it would be a bit more interesting to see him (The Deer) being torn between supporting his friend and just general apathy.
Damn, you got something good going on. Just oooonnneeee thing I suggest you should avoid considering you've got something unique here. DON'T cross-over with other Displaced to solve all of your problems
10267918
Imagine not realizing that it is intentional the his friend is well.... That
I haven't started reading this yet, and likely won't until it gets a Complete tag, but I wanted to ask: are you writing this by the seat of your pants, or do you have an ending planned out already and an outline of things between here and there? I have no strong feelings one way or another concerning the Displaced genre, but you've hit upon a premise FAR too interesting to let this story go unfinished like your other multiple-chapter stories. Keep up the writing!
Quick writing tip: When characters address one another in dialogue, highlight the name or address with commas. That helps us readers immensely. Here's a good example why:
versus
Oh, deer God!
I admit I'm... sorta on the fence here. Okay, firstly, props to being creative and taking a sucky story idea such as Displaced and doing something amazing with the idea.
However, I'm not quite sure if I'm really ready to read a story whereby the laws of plot the Mane Six are required to not notice someone in distress and clearly annoyed with their 'best friend'. And hooooo boy is Derek a terrible friend, this much is obvious. He fits the definition of a user, or he simply for whatever reason fails to notice Johan hates him.
My main concern, however, is the pacing. 1,500 words for a first chapter? I'm trying not to come off as rude here, but I'd honestly think you can do better, like say double it with 3,000 words. That makes for a better prologue, honestly. Everything moves just a little bit too fast here.
10269482
....you couldn't resist, could you? Oh, deery me!
By the way, topical:
10269599
TFW this entire story is based off the logical outcome of that video XD
10268932
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/458778/are-deer-even-real
I am very curious as to see where this story will go.
10269606
10269143
I read your comment and I just gotta say, I'm sorry for what happened to you and damn, damn because after reading the comments and yours I just realized how bad the situation is for our Human turned Deer
Hey, dude, I know that feeling when life gets you down and starts to make you feel like you are alone and that even when you have friends and they are the hero sometimes they need to know 1 thing that there are 2 paths to choose from the one where the friends go into an argument and forget each other or two where they tell each other there problems and make up for that. Also please make more chapters please.
Well, something that takes the mickey out of the stereotypical crappy Displaced story is always worth a look.
10270391
That would have been better than transforming into a... *gasp* elk!
10270479
How dare you even mention that possibility
10270489
I beg your mercy, our Great Deer Overlord!!!