- Member Since 25th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen February 21st
VonArmen
Can't say I'm much of a writer, otherwise I'd be lying.
VonArmen
Joined 25th Apr, 2012 ·
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I feels weird that it starts off like a journal but then just becomes a normal story. other than that this is great!
10087639
It’s still is one, he is just recounting events. Though the author SHOULD end it with a page end, something akin to a sign off.
So the MC is former military, sticking to First Contact rules, a bit of a dick and is exploiting their kindness like he should. I like him and can’t wait to see more!
10087979
Good idea, I should probably do that for the sake of not confusing the reader. The only reason I split up entries from the same day is so that it's easier to read in the first place.
Glad you like it, by the way! Wasn't sure how the reception on this would be.
10088115
It’s rare to find these kinds of stories, most get abandoned sadly.
If you plan to stick with the whole Journal style, there are a few things I can suggest:
1) Notes in the margins, what this means is that Future Franco comes back and makes clarifications or addendums about things his past self didn’t know. This can also be used to make funny comments or point fun at characters that he knows well in the future.
2) Day by Day, Week by Week, what this means is that each entry can be as short as a day or as long as a week. This allows you to fit in things such as sleeping, Lunas Dream Walking or evening other characters point of views without breaking the pace or flow of the story.
3) THE LIST! A reference AND a good way to immerse your readers in the MCs General activities such as reading, thinking and problem solving! Essentially it is the MCs list of things he wants to do, it can be mental or written down AND give your MC a general structure to follow.
These are just the three off the top of my head. I hope they help!
10088138
Appreciate the feedback!
A list wasn't something I had considered, but I'll keep it in mind. It seems like something Franco would do. The other two I'm already implementing.
My Planet of the Apes sense is tingling.
Why isn't there an OC tag?
10099759
Most definitely!
Also he is being converted! Fight it Franco, FIGHT IT!
I wouldn't trust what Pinkie says avout other races persinally, she has a terrible track record. Turned Ponyville against Zecora, and antagonized Gilda to destroy her friendship with RD out of jealousy. Honestly, she seemed a bit racist ti me.
Seems a bit forced with Twilight there, she could have just said he needs to get out more instead of trying to push him together with Pinkie. I hope this doesn't end with her yrying to teach him friendship hamhandedly.
Eh, he was kinda right to be mad there, especially since she ditched him only to lock him out.
The whole bit with the test reminds me of the movie Idiocracy, where the main character took an incredibly easy (by the standards of his time period) aptitude test and turned out to be the smartest man on the planet.
So they use dark magic and mind control on him? That certainly doesn't sound very nice, why would he change his identity if hes aware he is being messed with mentally?
10379797
Different times and different Species will have various different given ideas for “smart” and not all of them will be tested in the same way.
Bet you if they gave him a pure Logic test he would be labeled a God, though mostly due to the Ponies general lack of it
10380036
Very true, and this actually reminds me of the game Utawarerumono (try saying that three times fast), where the main character got sucked into a different dimension where magic exists and everyone has Hulk-tier strength, but their average cognitive intellect is on par with a five year old.
They're all street smart and some of them are quite wise, but don't expect any of them to solve even the simplest math equation in any reasonable period of time.
10380049
Haven’t thought of that game in a bit, really need to see about getting it for PS2 again.
But it’s a good comparison nonetheless.
That really is a bitch move by Celestia. Her first instinct is to insult him and act like her and ponies are superior to his warlike tendencies, then just about face and say hes being too hard on himself? What the fu k is up with that? You don't just insult and demean someone and pretend like it didn't happen. If Celestia is going to play games with him and threaten him it just says he cannot trust them.
Its no wonder he doesn't trust Luna inside his mind, Celestia going and showing hostility like that just says Luna is going to fuck over his brain for not being a pony. I hope he doesn't let Luna in his head at all.
Apologies from Celestia? On what grounds, that she wants to make herself look good? This pretending to care is bullshit from hiw she reacted to him. She meets him and first thing she imples he is a violent savage who threatens a superior peaceful land, then qcts like its nothing. Then she gives him a test for soldiers, why? Is she actually thinking of forceful conscription? And then once he gets most everything correct and even presents a solution to a cold case Celestia has the fucking audacity to say she actually considered having him murdered because he poses a threat to equestria because he is competant, when she herself has gone shown herself to be hostile towards him without reason?
Celestia honestly is horrible, and I don't think Franco should trust her at all.
How could he lie to the princess? She's been hostilecto him from the start and made it look like she's taking the high road when she doesn't have any actual intentions of friendship. Luna is really only appring to be looking outcfor him because she wants to fuck abour inside the head of the violent savage, not out of a desere to help.
As for why Franco shouldn't really trust people to let them in, none of them have actually proven themselves friends let alone trustworthy enough to get them involved with his issues. From the start none of the people so deadset on being "friends" have shown him any respect, trying to force him to do things and imposing themselves on him.
10380140
Dude, have not read the story yet. But, when ever I read your comments. I always think this guy or girl. Knows what theyre talking about.
not liky the abusy of humany.
I appreciate that you call out the superior and often racist. Hypocrisy in herant in a pony fics. I tend to sign off. If your words go to harsh. Since I have similar thoughts on condemning abuse.
Thanks again for all your comments.
I don't see how this would accomplish anything for Celestia. She's already established she hates him and has contemplated having him murdered, how is forcing a task upon him going to get anywhere other than worsening things?
That's Celestia's excuse? That's bullshit, if she actually wanted to help him at all she wouldn't have been so malicious and hostile to him from the start. Claiming this after how she acted makes her actions inexcusable.
Yeah, she's full of bullshit. The only real reason why she'd do all of this is out of a sense of malice and superiority towards a violent savage she hates.
She outright needs to walk back everything she said to him when he got here if she wants to be taken at her word. She cannot expect trust when she has actively caused reason for the opposite.
11353193
Maybe trying to get him to make a big enough mistake to give her undeniable reason to either kill him or arrest him without backlash?
11353200
Also makes the situation worse, a cornered animal is dangerous, but a Cornered Human? Well may the goddess have mercy, because the Human won’t.
11353206
I honestly think she DOES care, a thousand years, of which an unknown amount were filled with war, death and mental anguish for he and her people and then add on top her sister being turned by Nightmares and I can understand why she is being so insistent.
But on the flip side, she has to be a ruler for her people and that means handling any threats that could result in another Nightmare Moon in a way that would be best.
I honestly think that if she would explain more and have Luna show him the consequences of a Powerful Nightmare Entity and the destruction they could pose, then I think he would be more understanding.
But so far she has done nothing to earn his trust and until she does everything she does, offers or gives will be seen as a threat.
Bit unrealistic. Why would some schmuck off the street know how to bake better than a professional baker who works full time at a bakery? He even makes the comment that he was "So tired, because he had to hold her hand through the entire process." A professional full time baker with years of experience.
Monk