Being very bored, and sorry for sending her sister to the moon, she decides to get herself a little companion. But when she went to the pet shop, only one of them could do, and that was a little goldfish.
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 9th Feb, 2020
- offline last seen May 27th, 2021
The Half Brony
I am half brony, half little child at heart. But who doesn't miss the show that we all know?
The Half Brony
Joined 9th Feb, 2020 ·
Offline
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Great so far!
Wasn't her name Timid Doogle?
This was a Great story! I especially like your writing style of splitting the chapters more frequently, instead of writing all the paragraphs in one chapter, it's an interesting concept I don't see very often! Original topic, and great use of words!!!
This is pretty good for a first story, but I have a few suggestions:
>Invest in an editor, they'll help the language flow better.
>Usually, try to describe things in detail. It not only increases word count, it'll give your readers a better idea of what's going on.
>Finally, all of this could easily have gone into one chapter. Short (as in less than 1000 words) chapters tend to read like picturebooks without pictures. Just use the page break ('hr' in brackets) to show seperation.
I hope you'll take my suggestions!
10078743
Thank you so much!
10078783
Okay, thank you!
Interesting. I was hoping for it to be longer,but otehrwise so far I like
10079003
I'm sorry. I have this thing where it is very difficult to write even 1,000 words. I'm not sure why.
Is it starwars? I dunno, I just think that every time I see a chararcter humming in a book, it is starwars.
10079011
No. I'll give you a clue though. I actually checked the exact tming of the song, and you can't get any more accurrate with another song.
10079023
dang It! Welp, I have no other guesses now lel.
10079039
Oh. Okay, it's a fan-made song for MLP.
10079054
I see. That's probably why I would never get it. I can't stand parodies
10079062
Oh. Well, because I already follow you...
10078757
Oh.
Should have gone with a turtle, lobster, or specific species of jellyfish; those might live as long as she does.
10079768
Nope, it's gonna live 14 years, then she finds Philomena.
I promised a comment and your getting one.
First of all this was short and sweet and it had Celestia in it and I realy enjoyed that.
However I don't understand why it was broken into multiple chapters. And the ending didn't realy feel like an ending it felt like it just kinda stoped,seriously i was about to read the next chapter but it wasn't there.
Did you enjoy writing this? I encourage you to continue writing if you did. I wouldn't mind a sequel perhaps continuing the story of Celestia and her gold fish or maybe Luna has a pet rock on the moon.....Hmmm yeah I'd read that.
Imma leave a thumbs up. Good luck with the story.
10080481
Yes! I feel really frustrated though, because I like breaking it up, and I have a weird case of writer's block where it's easier to do chapters like this. Alos, spoiler alert, there will be tons of sequels. There is no need for this to be known of as a cliffhanger.
10080620
Don't let that writers block get ya down. I struggle with it all the time.
And try to improve those endings!
10080653
Okay. I tried to make it be like the end of the force awakens. They were just standing there. I couldn't stand it, but I was like come on poeple, let's make more! Yeah, I forgot about those downfalls...
10080856
Thank you very much!
10080866
Thank you!
I set my expectations too high.
I want to say Winter Wrap-Up, but I know I'm wrong. But am I close?
I'll admit I only read this because of the cover.
But it was worth it. Fantastic!
There’s always that one person who downvotes your god damn story
Always one.
10084230
Why, thank you!
Some people have already given you some good advice, but I think I can still give ya my two cents as well.
Your grammar is fairly solid, but there were still multiple grammar, punctuation and spelling errors sprinkled in here and there. Furthermore, some sentences could have been worded in a far more fluid and logical way.
However, the biggest downside of this story is its execution. You seem to be almost exclusively telling your story through constant exposition, that results in a dire lack of atmosphere. As a reader I want to feel Celestia’s sadness, I want to see her slowly calming herself as she talks to Goldie, and so on. That’s what a story based on emotions needs. Also, be aware that you tend to derail the story’s flow by diverging from the plot and going off on a tangent about something completely else.
Connected to this is your work with the readers’ focus. Why did we get a whole paragraph describing Celestia opening a door, but the essential parts of the pet shop tour and Celestia talking to Goldie were skipped? Always think about what details are important and what aren’t.
So, for your future stories, focus more on your work with the ratio of showing/telling, pacing, atmosphere, and relevance of given details. That should significantly improve your works. Good luck!
10089082
All right thank you. I admit that this truely did have such mistakes go unnoticed.
10089135
You’re welcome, I’m glad I could help a little. Let me know if anything was unclear or if you have any additional questions
10089179
Alright, I will.
Story's been reccomended here
10098142
Thank you!
199 views!
10098478
Okay, thank you!
10099812
You're really kind.
lh3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/zwzFLcZNlrOfxucybEMN2j3s01PWTtZANb6b5BfV98Ff262Fio-MYg7b4062r-cJG6S6R6PBk7lSF7ie9Ke1NLYJQqCscjt4DrfJzT4rBm6PRXiqqrrfApMQBNIhvBbs8i2uVC27n-ticlE21VUEaJ6Sh8WMCaJ5kHUajg5TqJeZ20-prq1YZCOLl3C5FtAM
10099940
Nice.
10120298
Yes. But not right now. I have not watched the movie. I plan to do so sometime, though.
10123182
You're welcome.
10125436
Nah, it's fine. Twilight's the only one afraid of snakes.
10125436
I own a turtle
10132476
i.imgur.com/n0qUD8k.jpg
i.imgur.com/i3ydOxA.jpg
i.imgur.com/Bm4qiSv.jpg
10137079
Nice.
10146326
Thancc
10146387
You're welcome.
10084228
Sorry for the late reply. You are sort of close. Also, it’s exactly five minutes in between the hummings I wrote.