"Windfall izt been asked to introduce his own story. His voice izt quiet and poor spoken in all tongues but Breezen, but begs reader to not judge too harsh. Windfall promises he dozt not narrate any part of fic proper and only monologues only when needed. And now izt needed. Now Windfall offers hizt solemn confession: He regrets nothing and stands by all acts he doezt. Ze ponies he hurts, ze creatures he manipulates... he revels in it all."
Entry written for Jake The Army Guy's Friendship Beyond Equestria short story contest. The prompt is to produce something that spotlights societal workings of one or more underexposed species from the show, so I picked Breezies and Kirin. This story is just a couple of character vignettes and a plot hook at this point, but I'm fond enough of these OCs that I definitely want to revisit and finish their saga someday.
There's a couple instances of swearing, but the vast majority is in untranslated Swedish, so I figured the "Everyone" rating was fine.
There are species tags for breezies and kirin you can add.
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Done. Thank you kindly for the info.
Minor nitpick, but there's a weird bracket at the beginning here.
When you mentioned a Breezie villain, I assumed he would be akin to a faceless mob boss, carrying out deeds through his underlings and smart enough to never allow his name or species to be public. The thought of a Breezie wielding Grogar's Bell, on the other hand, brings to mind a much different type of villain; I am definitely intrigued at the prospect of an insect with their limits broken.
As usual, the storytelling is done very well; if there's one difference between you and I, it's that you can tell a story with aspects other than simple Descriptions and Actions. Aside from the minor peeve of you telling me not to constantly write out the drawl of a Southern accent and then proceeding to constantly write out the drawl of a German accent, no obvious problems are visible. I will definitely keep up with this character, and I trust you will carry him out flawlessly.
Peculiar line shift here.
It would appear Windfall has a companion, and one whose backstory is impressively being revealed bit by bit without seeming obnoxiously exposiionary, despite 75% of this chapter being exposition.
Once again, no obvious storytelling problems are visible, and you did a good job by leaving a couple mysteries on our new characters shell. Kirin stories are not uncommon, but I have yet to see a Qilin handled this way, and I look forward to seeing more of her.
How often will this story be updated?
This might be the most intriguing kirin-related sentence I've seen on the site. I've seen the concept of unicorns shedding their horns once or twice, but kirin doing so makes more sense given their more deer-like anatomy, and organically creates the spellcaster equivalent of no cell phone reception. Nice one!
And she grew up during the silent era! Oh my goodness, why has no one ever done something about this? How disturbing would it be for someone who's only ever known quiet tranquility to sudden be beset on all sides by noise and emotion, including the inside?
And Windfall, the maligned poet turned sinister little influence. An almost literal shoulder devil who guides the great lumbering beasts he befriends to his dark ends...
This story is full of amazing ideas. Eagerly looking forward to seeing where you go with it.
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Yeah, this grabbed my attention too. River Song is a very unique and intriguing character, especially in this setting. Hopefully she can meet a less manaical companion in the future she can get along with. Like Marble. Or Gummy.
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Apologies it took so long for me to comment on my own fic. I’m glad these two characters are connecting with readers the way they’re supposed to. Seeing a lot of sympathy for our developmentally stunted Kirin friend here, but not much for defiant little Windfall.
“Tsk tsk. Windfall izt helpless underdog with only hizt wits for weapons. Yet zat does not win your support?? Windfall shan’t forget zis injustice!”
Anyway, in terms of updates, the contest rules forbid me from making this fic any longer than 10,000 words. That’s a bit of a pickle, since I got some canon characters and plot points to introduce even before the inevitable attempted heist for the Bell. Might write and add a couple new chapters before the February 29th deadline, and only seriously work on completing story after the contest is over.
I, too, am similarly enraptured by the uniqueness of your take on Kirins
Poor Rain Song! I hope she doesn’t get too easily manipulated by Windfall 
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Probably the reason why Windfall isn’t getting as much love is because his characterization is rather dull at the moment. Misunderstood person with (formerly) good intentions is rather cliche, and he seems to be a little mean-spirited. He’s also been made into the clear anti-hero of the story, and together with the fact that’s he’s not that likeable (yet), probably explains why he’s not getting much love.
That’s not to say he was written badly, just that he’s not written to be a likeable character (yet), and that’s fine. Off the top of my head here’s another fic (https://www.fimfiction.net/story/70619/no-room-for-regret) I can think of with a dastardly unlikeable protagonist, and yet she carries the story by simply being interesting enough. I can foresee some fun character interactions between him and Rain Song though!
Out of curiosity what are your plans for this story? Are there going to be more additions to our motley crew? (another evil trio would be fascinating!) Is it going to be more character-driven or are we speeding off to the heist with the 6k words you have left?
Between this and Innocent Until Proven Cozy you have my Follow!
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Thanks so much for your praise. I do aim to please.
I think Windfall and River Song are going to be the only OCs this story’ll feature. (Technically, River Song is the name of an actual canon Kirin, but perhaps revealing that is tipping my hand to much towards her story arc’s eventual conclusion).
Regardless, the story’ll definitely surpass the 10k word mark. Our protagonists still need to get to a pony settlement and find out about the War Of The Bell. A young Luster Dawn will be a relevant character. And like you said, there definitely needs to be a few scenes of Windfall using his nihilistic determination and his clueless Kirin ally to further his plans. Opportunism is his weapon, and opportunities take time to produce a satisfying payoff.
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Thanks for your reply! A young Luster Dawn, eh? Now I’m really intrigued
Time to corrupt that young filly!
Windfall: The abyssal magics is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.
Luster Dawn: Is it possible to learn this power?
Windfall: Not from your princess
Fantastic bit of world building through sports.
Which explains a lot about Windfall. "The best or nothing" will lead to a lot of burned bridges that can still end up yielding nothing.
Oh no.
Ah. Well, that worked out. Though the question is whether the robin exploded or was just teleported elsewhere.
Fascinating insight and thrilling fight scene. Looking forward to more.
This is definitely picking up steam, as the world, characters, and tension are all developing beautifully.
I like that both of the main characters have something to do with language.
So now both of the protagonists have lost body parts as well. Windfall using magic seemed too sudden, though.
Modified from Mike Oldfield, Tubular Bells 3
That’s a feeling I know well.
And together, though separately broken, they become one mighty Transporter Pad.
This story is interesting.