Twilight sat at her desk, a breeze coming through the open window, as she scratched down another half-formed idea, a scroll bearing the royal seal open beside her, ‘Celestia wants my suggestions for artifact security!’ she squealed to herself, ‘Admittedly, I’m not fully convinced that the Sanctuary Vaults actually need their safeguards refurbished,’ the librarian added, ‘Well, HellCaller did gain access to the Restricted Archives rather easily, but she is a powerful demon after all … just the kind of pony we don’t want getting into the Vaults ….’ “Oh dear.”
“Why the long muzzle, Twi-Twi?” Pinkie Pie asked, her sudden appearance producing a startled “Meep!” from the unicorn as she almost fell out of her chair.
“Oh, hi, Pinkie,” Twilight replied after a deep, calming breath, “I was just working on something for Princess Celestia.”
“Oh, oh, what is it?” Pinkie asked eagerly, “New recipes for cakes? Pies? Fudge? Fudge pies?”
“No, nothing like that,” replied Twilightr, ‘Although fudge pie does sound rather good.’ “The Princess was just interested in ideas for keeping dark artifacts out of the wrong hands.”
“Has she considered putting up a ‘Do Not Touch’ sign? No? Well phooey,” Pinkie tugged at her ear in thought, “Maybe we should get the fillies together for ideas?”
Twilight smiled at her friend, “You mean a brainstorming session? That’s a great idea Pinkie!”
“Really? I’d think having a storm in your brain would make it harder to have ideas, but if you say so.”
The next day, the Bearers of Harmony (plus a surprised Trixie) gathered in Carousel Boutique to share ideas, and indulge in a little gossip, over tea, “It’s so nice to have a quiet little get together, don’t you think, darlings?” Rarity said as she sipped her tea.
“Trixie would like to thank you for inviting Trixie to your gathering.”
“Oh pish-posh, darling,” Rarity replied with a dismissive wave of her hand, “Such gatherings are an excellent way for everypony to move past former unpleasantness. Besides,” she added with a slightly predatory smirk, “I suspect you will soon be a regular member of our little group, a, dare I say, most dear friend, indeed.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful!” Twilight agreed enthusiastically, as the furiously blushing showmare stared into her tea.
“Yeah, yeah, we’ll all become real chums and then everything will be rainbows and butterflies,” Rainbow Dash snarked as she wolfed down a handful of the tiny sandwiches Rarity had provided, “Now, who has an absolutely awesome idea for how to guard these artifact things?”
“I don’t suppose just dropping them into a volcano would be okay with everypony?” Fluttershy asked, hopefully.
“I’m afraid not,” Twilight replied, “The Magus Order has destroyed what they can, but some artifacts are just too powerful, or unstable, and throwing such relics into a volcano could quite possibly cause an eruption, and wouldn’t guarantee the artifact’s destruction, either.”
“Pity,” sighed the fashionista, “Well my first thought was to go with something simple and straightforward; as everypony’s magical aura is unique, why not use that for the ‘key’ and make it so that only two of the Princess, working together, can open the Vaults?”
“Hmm, not bad,” Twilight commended her friend, scratching notes onto the scroll she’d brought.
“I know!” Pinkie grinned excitedly, her muzzle smeared with clotted cream and jam, “Every morning, just as Celestia is raising the sun, the Vaults could teleport to a new location! And it could be completely random where they go, too! No pony can break into a place they can’t even find!”
“Yeah, but tha Maguses won’t be able ta find tha Vaults ta put any new artifacts inside, neither,” Applejack gently reminded the baker.
Pinkie's ear fell slightly, “Oh, yeah.”
“Perhaps we could move the Vaults to another Realm?” mused the academic, “It would foil any purely physical attempt to access their contents, and any would-be thieves would have to know which Realm the Vaults were in to even start.”
Rarity raised an elegantly styled eyebrow at her friend, “But what about the inhabitants of whatever Realm you chose to put the Vaults in, darling?”
“Yes, any natives might be a problem,” Twilight conceded, “But they are doing some amazing work on extra-dimensional spaces, maybe the Vaults could be put in their own, self-contained, demiplane?”
Fluttershy diffidently raised her hand, “Well … it occurred to me … that as long as we asked nicely and didn’t do it very often, Discord could probably turn any of those horrible artifacts into carrots, or, or butterflies.”
“I’m not sure how comfortable I am with relying on Discord, of all ponies,” Rarity demurred, “Not that you haven’t done wonders with him,” she hastily assured her timid friend, “But he is, well, Discord.”
“Still something to be considered,” Twilight declared, making yet another note.
“Aw, come on, fillies, the best way to seal something up is put it in a hidden dungeon,” Rainbow declared, “And then put in a whole bunch of traps and guards and puzzle-locks to deal with anypony who does find it.”
Twilight frowned uncertainly, “But that never works in the Daring Do books,” she pointed out, “I mean, sure it keeps whatever relic the book is about safe for a while, frequently for several centuries, but Daring always finds out about it and always gets the relic in the end.”
The weatherpony shrugged, “So, Celestia just needs to have Daring test the dungeon first, is all,” Rainbow grinned, “The Princesses could even sell tickets!”
“Which would give away where the Vaults are and what sorts of defenses they have,” Trixie pointed out.
“Oh, yeah, I guess it would,” Rainbow admitted, sheepishly rubbing her head.
“Well, what about takin’ all tha artifacts an’ jus’ dumpin’ ‘em in tha middle of tha ocean?” Applejack suggested, “That way they’re all out of everypony’s mane an’ no pony can get at ‘em.”
“But what about the seaponies?” protested Fluttershy, “A poor, unsuspecting seapony might find an artifact, and then horrible things would happen.”
“There would also be the risk of artifacts being found by kraken or other monsters,” Twilight added, “I’m afraid that plan has the same problem as putting the Vaults in another Realm.”
The showmare tapped her chin in thought, “The Great and Powerful Trixie’s stagecraft relies heavily on distraction and deception,” she observed, “Maybe something similar would work here? Provide would-be thieves and warlocks with an obvious, heavily-defended Vault to focus on, while the actual Vaults are hidden away somewhere else?”
Two hours later, while the seven mares had discussed many things, they were not noticeably closer to finding a solution to the puzzle Celestia had set them, “We should be doing better than this!” Trixie grumbled, feeling a bit waterlogged from all the tea, “You are the Bearers of Harmony, and Trixie is The Great and Powerful Trixie! Surely there must be more we can devise!”
Rarity patted the showmare’s shoulder, “While we have done our part for Princesses and Country, and mostly likely will again, we are not jailers or vault designers or bank robbers, and I fear we simply don’t have the experience and knowledge that Princess Celestia’s request truly requires.”
Pinkie glanced up with a grin, “We don’t have the experience yet, but didn’t ‘Caller say she spent years as an adventurer?”
“Hey, yeah,” Applejack agreed, “She must have seen all sorts of tombs an’ vaults an’ suchlike.”
“Alright, then,” Twilight declared, “We’ll ask HellCaller to join us tomorrow and share with us the fruits of her knowledge.”
“Why wait ‘till tomorrow?” the baker asked, “There goes HellCaller right now,” she added, pointing out the window.
Opening the window, the mares quickly called over the demoness and explained their predicament, “So do you have any suggestions?” asked Twilight.
HellCaller idly leaned against the windowsill as she considered the ponies’ request, “If destruction of artifacts is really not an option, I’d put it into a heavy chest and then fill chest vith molten lead. Once lead hardens, cover outsides of chest vith another layer of lead, this should block all detection magic and any emanations from artifact. After that find some public vorks project, grain storage, a dam, or a fortress, something that no one vill be in a hurry to tear down, and bury chest in foundation,” she offered, ignoring the disappointed looks from the mares at her prosaic suggestion.
“Actually, there might be a vay to destroy all these artifacts,” Kragor suggested, “But it vouldn’t be easy.”
The demoness glanced down at her sword in confusion, “Vhat are you … oh, that vay,” turning back to the ponies she continued, “Pay her no mind, those stories are apocryphal, and vere ancient vhen my mother vas born. Honestly, I have no idea vhere Linzi ever heard them in first place.”
“Stories?” Pinkie asked eagerly, “Tell! Tell!”
“Linzi told it better,” the soulblade apologized, “But I can try … Plane of Concordant Opposition is vhere all Outer Planes meet. Six hundred and sixty-six layers of Abyss touches Seven Heavens, eternal inferno of Elemental Fire intersects vith endless vaves of Elemental Vater, and unending potential of Positive Material mixes vith entropy of Negative Material. Here, according to ancient rumors vhispered between beings older than entire vorlds, in very heart of Concordant Opposition is a great, eternal, maelstrom, a vortex not of vater, but of reality itself. Same primordial legends claim that anything, or anyone, throw into Maelstrom is not merely destroyed, oh, no, such unfortunates vill be unmade! Erased from all Realms as if they had never been!”
“Eh, I’ve heard better,” the party pony shrugged.
Fluttershy gave a small shudder, “But it’s only a story … right?”
“So far as I know,” ‘Caller assured her, “But I’m not volunteering to go and look!” she added.
HellCaller continued her, rather aimless, stroll through the town, while she had been invited to join the seven mares, and the thought of teasing her apprentice over her crush was tempting, the demoness had declined. Now, as ponies bustled past with the occasional nod or greeting, a small smile curled the corner of her mouth as she relaxed slightly. Although ‘Caller was never actually alone, two centuries in the legions, and a dozen years with the UnChosen, had left the demon accustomed to having people around.
Looking about, she let out a small snort, ‘Does no one believe in fortcraft in this land?’ she grumbled to herself, tossing a glare at Ponyville’s exposed edges, ‘Sure it vouldn’t stop pegasi, but a defensive vall vould still keep ground-based bandits at bay, as vell as just general beasts and other dangers.’
Turning away from her contemplation of the ponies’ poor civil defense planning, the demoness decided to give the new magic shop operating out of a tent on the edge of town a look, her apprentice had spoken well of it, and the mere idea of a gnoll (or a diamond dog in the local parlance) wizard was curious enough to be worth a little investigation.
As she headed back through the streets, 'Caller was stopped by a sudden flash of light as a bizarre being appeared before her; while composed of parts from over a half-dozen different creatures, its general appearance was that of a serpentine dragon, “Well, now,” it purred in a cultured, masculine, voice, “Just the person I was looking for!”
“You vould be Discord, I presume,” 'Caller replied, calmly.
“Oh, so my reputation has preceded me?” Discord placed a paw over his chest, “I’m touched.”
'Caller favored him with a thin smile, “No, I vas merely told I vould know you if I saw you.”
“And know you have seen me,” the draconequus preened for a moment, “And I have seen the one who foalnapped Fluttershy, haven’t I, daughter of Silussa?” he added, his voice turning dark.
‘How does he know my Name?!’ the demon’s eyes narrowed and flared brighter as her hand slipped towards her sword hilt.
“I know many things, my dear girl,” Discord said, answering her unspoken question, “I am not bound to just this one set of realities, although I admit I am rather fond of it,” the draconequus glanced at ‘Caller, “Oh, do relax! Fluttershy has already vouched for you, that’s why we’re having this little chat. I understand that Flutteshy lives an adventurous life, sometimes, and you were acting under compulsion when you turned her over to Steel, but I want us to have a clear understanding for the future; no one hurts Fluttershy and gets away with it. It might take me awhile to hear of events, but once I do, I can find anyone, anywhere.”
“Well, enough of that!” Discord declared, clapping his claws together eagerly, “Now that we’re all on the same page, I look forward to seeing what your presence does to Equestria, and what the influence of the ponies does to you. Oh, and you really should drop by Fluttershy’s for tea sometime!” he added, before disappearing in another flash.
:Did a chaos god just threaten us, and then invite us to tea with Fluttershy?: Kragor asked in confusion.
:Yes, yes he did,: HellCaller frowned at the air for a moment, before resolutely heading in search of the nearest tavern, “I need a drink.”
derpicdn.net/img/2012/2/12/2993/large.jpg
Perhaps Tea?
The only problem with the Digger seal is whether the lead blocks all the influences of said artifact. If it keeps poisoning or corrupting all the grain in your strategic grain storage, that's both obvious and no good.
I always thought Discord looked like a Pathfinder Protean...
That is one awesome Anthro Twilight Sparkle in the cover art :3
You could always place the 'Artifact' in a warded box, then put the box in a crate of a standard size, and put a number on it.
You then put the numbered crate in a warehouse filled with thousands of crates the same size and basic description with other Artifacts.
Sure people know that an artifact is in the warehouse, and the warehouses staff can locate and retrieve any crate by number.
But reference catalogue of which number has which artifact is, kept in a separate place.
I am Rarity in this scene
Except the day might come where you would need something in those vaults and one or both Princesses could be unavailable
Discord is not a pony
This reminds me of a similar idea that I saw while watching a dnd campaign
10314988
Reminds me of Indiana Jones
Aye!! I also immediately sung the title to the tube of what do you do with a drunken sailor
10314963
The same artist has done all of the mane 6 as well as several other notable characters like this. Look up Ambris on Derpiboorou.
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Will do. ;3
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10314829 I honestly wasn't sure anyone would catch that reference. I salute your taste in webcomics, good sir.
10315147 Pony culture does seem to have a lack (or, at least, a common use) of terms for non-pony sapients ....
10314829
Unless it's 8-bit theater, this is something I'm not aware of and likely want to know more about.
10318595
Ursula Vernon's Digger, a tale of a wombat, magic, hyenas, statues of gods, servants of gods, and prophetic slugs.
Fair warning that you are likely to cry at several points in the story.
What's being referenced here is exemplary wombat pragmatism- ornate deathtraps just make Daring Do and her ilk salivate, warnings just egg them on, putting a temple in a volcano just narrows down the search, etc. To keep something actually safe, you put it in a place too boring to look and too mundane to guess.
10318595 You can find the comic here, and Arkonfleight is absolutely right, Ms. Vernon can write one hell of a gut-punch, but also some absolutely wonderful humor.
Lovely chapter I'm ashamed it took me so long to read it
10319058 Glad you're enjoying it
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I'm gonna have to use that block of metal idea for my own campaign
10314988
Ah, the Indiana Jones maneuver. A simple, but fairly effective, classic.
Because the Authors notes made me do this:
What do we do with an evil artifact,
What do we do with an evil artifact,
What do we do with an evil artifact to keep the baddies away.
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Made me imagine a pony Pinocchio
Place artifacts on a Titan III E or other powerful rocket.
Shoot artifacts out of the solar system.
In a few decades it will be a hundred AUs from Eques, lost in the night forever.
Someone wants to go get it? Great! Just build a rocket big enough to put a 14 story building on the same flight path, wait 40 years in the hard vacuum of space accumulating a lethal dose of radiation with no food or water at - 454 degrees F.
We still good?
Great! Now just grab the artifacts, bring them into your 14 story building sized rocket and point it back at your destination with pinpoint accuracy. No error here or you'll be lost in space forever. Now burn your rocket and spend another 40 to 80 years in the frozen vacuum of space.
You made it back home? Great! Now hit the atmosphere at more than 25 times the speed of sound and endure a fireball of plasma knives for several minutes before flying in for a landing. Easy right?
PS: you can make the job easier by launching a 5 story building instead of 14 stories if you have developed ion thruster technology and have a nuclear reactor onboard.
Too bad you don't have access to something like the Demiplane spell from D&D
Obviously the answer is to hang a piece of paper on the object in question that says "Not a dark artifact"
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Well he did just offer you tea