As the smallest, most insignificant snowflake in all of history slowly drifted towards the ground on a frigid morning, an entirely unrelated event was taking place universes away.
A series of unexpected events that would shake the foundations of a lost empire, creating a domino effect that would set the world on a historical path. The past would be rewritten with idle words, their future would blossom from beautiful misunderstandings, and life for the entire world would change forever.
And, due to its distance, since the Empire’s history would never interact with the snowflake, it was completely insignificant. Whether that Empire thrived or crumbled would mean little to anyone or anything else. However, to those who lived there, it meant everything. Their story was not a fantasy to be left on some dusty bookshelf, it was a historical moment that caused worlds to clash, alliances to be formed, and civilizations to fall.
Behind the concept of space and time, beyond the natural understanding of reality, past the veil that separated worlds, and within the pure paradoxical chaos that made up the endless void, was a small planet called Terra.
It was one of many mirrored worlds in the multiverse, a realm of mythical creatures that once lived only in the minds of artists and children.
Whether by some strange cosmic coincidence, or through divine intervention, these old fabled characters had become real, living in harmony with each other on the small planet.
Terra was a home to many magical souls, from buffalo nomads to zebra shamans, shapeshifting changelings to obnoxious yaks, flying dragons to sleeping thestrals, and many, many more.
Flocks of dragons flew through the skies, buffalos grazed in nomadic herds, and prides of griffons hunted in the untamed forests, killing the most dangerous of predators and mindless beasts that lived in the wild. The world was a menagerie of magical species, a collection of monsters and beasts that were blessed with sentience, each one motivated by their own religions, beliefs, and morals.
And yet, almost in spite of their cruel fictional counterparts, most of the inhabitants of Terra lived relatively peaceful lives, deciding to live in a state of equality rather than a kingdom of division and apprehension.
However, not everything in the land of sunshine and rainbows was bathed in the pure light of Harmony.
Under the bright sun and the tranquil moon of the two royals, beneath the silver lining of the ominous clouds that hung in the sky, and buried in the northern regions of the largest continent, was the Frozen North.
It was a barren wasteland that laid past the Crystal Mountains, where eternal twilight reigned, crops never dared to grow, and the howls of the dead sang an eternal song of suffering that accompanied the fierce blizzards and buried any creature that ventured into the untamed North.
The storm that blanketed the Frozen North with snow was a magical phenomenon that manifested the frigid touch of death itself. It was a remnant of an ancient disaster, the last breaths of a dying curse that washed over Equestria long ago. While the love and warmth of Equestria’s ponies had chased away the never-ending winter, the North had simply adapted and outlived the vengeful spirits that created Equestria’s horrible winter.
With the vengeful spirits gone, the storms ran rampant and became a chaotic flurry of eternal winter, and the once lush green fields of the Fertile North were buried under the white sheet of death that blanketed the land.
The only two places of refuge from the eternal storm that raged in the Frozen North were the makeshift Yak Kingdom of Yakyakistan, located on the outermost reaches of the storm, and the crumbling remains of the once magnificent Crystal Empire.
The Crystal Empire was a testament to the innovation of the first settlers of Equestria, a divine jewel that stood as a monument to the abundant magic the first settlers had discovered. The Empire was a glorious bastion that stood the test of time and fought the battle against the onslaught of nature. The Empire could have won that battle too if not for King Sombra, a name that inspired fear in even the softest of whispers.
King Sombra was a grey ruva stallion with a flowing black mane of ethereal fire and a blood-red horn that protruded from his head. He was once a normal pony like every other ruva in the Crystal Empire, using his magic to study the effects of crystals to create new enchantments and spells.
His thirst for knowledge soon devolved into a desperate hunger for power, leading him to the doorstep of the Demon Lord himself, Grogar the Goat. Following his deal with the father of monsters, King Sombra returned to the Crystal Empire and ruled it for three years after usurping Princess Amore’s throne. He was a greedy ruler who desired to expand his domain with force and strength, to crush those he thought of as beneath him. The king had successfully enslaved the crystal ponies, driven the thestrals into hiding, and committed total genocide on the ruva that had lived in the Crystal Empire, leaving him almost unopposed after causing his own race to go into near extinction.
Through the dark spells he learned from Grogar, Sombra was able to impose his will on the Empire, stripping the crystal ponies of their free will and using them as slaves to mine magical crystals to enhance his weapons and spells.
King Sombra’s wicked and sadistic acts would not go unnoticed by the other kingdoms and tribes, as he had rightfully earned the ire of most of the world. Sombra’s only allies were the few demons that escaped from Tartarus and his brainwashed subjects. With a legion of innocent ponies who served mighty warriors at his command, King Sombra created an army to invade Yakyakistan, deciding to take the entirety of the Frozen North before moving on to the rest of Equestria.
Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, however, immediately intervened. They lead their small armies to King Sombra’s capital, which saw all of his plans begin to crumble. As the celestial and lunar guards repelled King Sombra’s enslaved army, the two princesses of Dream Valley confronted him directly, finally bringing an end to his reign of terror.
The malicious demon had exhausted all of his weapons and spells, eventually falling to the hooves of two ascended goddesses. The sisters gathered their magic to banish him from Terra, locking him in an eternal realm of darkness that would never let his soul rest.
Sadly, in a last act of defiance and desperate spite, King Sombra latched himself onto the souls of his enslaved subjects, forcing them to share his torment for all of eternity as they were all dragged into the timeless void.
The two sisters could do nothing to stop his counterspell and cursed the mad king for damning his entire enslaved army to suffer his fate. Neither of the sisters could bring back his enslaved citizens from the realm of darkness without bringing the self-proclaimed king back as well, but they were able to modify the spell ever so slightly.
Instead of damning King Sombra and his slaves to an eternity in the realm of darkness, they would be kept there until a being that was able to permanently kill King Sombra stepped hoof into the Frozen North. On that day, the chosen hero would slay King Sombra and pass on the Empire to the descendants of Princess Amore.
And until the destined hero was found, the Empire would become lost to the memories of time, becoming an old mare’s tale that would be told to the young foals of Equestria until the story itself was forgotten as well.
Life would continue to move on without the Crystal Empire, uncaring to the plights of the ponies trapped in a pocket outside the concept of time and space. The truth of the matter was that nopony, creature, or being would be “destined” to save the Empire. The only thing that could save the Empire would be a cosmic coincidence. Or perhaps it would take manipulation from a higher power.
Either way, as the historians waited and died with their bated breaths, hoping for the eventual return of the Empire. Time continued to move without any consideration for those who experienced its effects.
The banishment of King Sombra and the crystal ponies was only the first of several great catastrophes that would occur on Terra. Heroes lived and died, misconceptions started wars, a Goddess of Chaos buried Dream Valley under a forest of entropy, and a princess of the night turned into an Empress of Nightmares.
Just like the frozen remains of the Crystal Empire, the rest of the world fell into a state of disrepair as hope became a rarer commodity with each passing day. The Equestrian Diarchy turned Monarchy took it upon themselves to bring peace and harmony back to the world in spite of the grim reality they all faced.
Princess Celestia’s attempts to fix her kingdom led to a scant few eras of peace in the world where creatures of every race lived in near harmony after far too many bloody wars and a terrible number of graves. Unfortunately, not all the sentient races of Terra would experience this peace.
During the Empire’s absence, many species had gone extinct or drastically changed. The Deer and Caribou Kingdoms fell victim to a plague that made them infertile, the sea serpents and sirens had waged a war that nearly eradicated both of their species, and the diamond dogs were reduced to nearly mindless beasts from centuries of inbreeding and cannibalism. But life continued to move on without these many races, as if they didn’t matter to the cold reality of time.
Terra had changed dramatically since the Empire disappeared thousands of years ago, and much more would change with its reappearance.
The idea that the Caribou are dead somewhat uplifts me.
I liked the Prologue you wrote out, I'm looking forward to how a displaced Skeletor will go.
nyeh
This sentence is 100% true.
Walls upon walls of text that I can assure you is mostly useless information or pretentious dribble.
It's daunting to look at, much less read and I am genuinely surprised at the sheer volume of words you can expend without giving a stint of valuable information. Or any information, really.
The introductory paragraphs are a mess of pseudo-philosophical nonsense and the followup sentences lack flow. Hell, the entire Prologue lacks flow. Yes, creative language is used quite... well? It's better than the average writer but a tad bit...Off. You've somehow managed to be oddly specific, yet still present any image exceeding the size of a billboard through a foggy lens.
At the very least your description of characters is fairly well done. Though the sheer amount of redundancies and repeated pronouns in Rapid Succession hurts to read.
On the bright side, if I was any less used to wading through the written equivalent of muck, I would have likely complimented you on a job well done.
Unfortunately I have higher standards than your passing reader and a waning desire to express them.
So.
Decent, you pass. The use of creative writing is done well, descriptions of characters range from accurate to do-so and the story thus far has very few spelling errors. Unfortunately your masking of philosophical narration is garbage, the redundancies and repetition add to your daunting word count and consistent prolonged readability is low.
Experienced Reader Score: 5.6/10
Average Reader Score: 6.8/10
Regular Reader Score: 7-8/10
(Chapters 1-3)
I, for one, am a bit experienced.
All in all, not bad. Just not particularly good, though, on a site like this, its leagues better than most of the trite out there.
10128133 That's because of the Fall of Equestria stories, right up there with Cupcakes, Rainbow Factory and TCB as a reason why some people should have their fanfiction writing privileges taken away and probably be on some sort of watchlist, with a tracking bracelet that shocks them every time they get within 10 feet of a keyboard.
Though to be fair, the original TCB story was a harmless enough one where the Barrier was a natural event, and the ponies were genuinely helping the humans to survive. It was basically an excuse for the author avatar to become a pony.
I do feel you flexed your purplish muscle of prose a bit, but I’m not going to toot my elitist horn like Errm... I mean, Orrm up there... goodness, kind of snobbish of him, eh?
I would mention, as a story-telling strategy however, that your prologue mostly hurts your story, not helps. Your audience knows a bunch of what you wrote, and while technically you wrote a mechanically sound and fully fleshed out narrative, perhaps as a story telling technique, that’s a problem: many readers don’t want to read a narrative, no matter how hard you worked on it... I had to rip out a ton of mine from my flagship story when a few readers pointed out to me the same.
Your writing ability shows great potential, however, so I’m moving on to chapter one.
SC
your description of The Frozen North sounds like some parts of Idaho,honestly.
10130285
Tbh I refuse to read any of the stories you've listed simply because I cant handle that kind of insanity, or crippling depression and mediocre writing
10130285
Okay Orwellian.
10162412
Yeah, thats some authoritarian stuff right there. "Let's get rid of this writing because I dislike it". That line of thinking only leads to the worst possible governing systems.
10162412
i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/facebook/000/017/204/CaptainAmerica1_zps8c295f96.jpg
10128410
10129472
Di-Did you even try to read the rest of the chapters to find out if they are fitting in to the lore of the story?
10129472
I don't know that I've ever seen someone roast their own comment before, but you seem to have done so spectacularly.
Am I the only one here with zero clue what the hell a 'ruva' is supposed to be?
Google isn't feeling helpful when trying to solve this mystery.
Also agree with the sentiment in the comments that this prologue is more off-putting than anything else.
10201859
The Crystal Empire's equivalent of a unicorn. Since Earth ponies are crystal ponies and pegasi are feathered thestrals, I figured that unicorns needed a counterpart too. Basically think of unicorns with a curved horn.
Wow, rare for anyone to write a world-entry prologue to the start of their stories, you have peaked my interest
10201865
Those unicorns?:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2017/8/26/1520369.png
10244853
Pretty much. I'm actually a little annoyed that the official MLP team never gave them a different name or something.
This should be fun
You went way overboard on the flowery element but that's the only problem I can see. Hopefully this will be as entertaining as the concept sounds.
10339632
Am I correct in guessing that you are asking why he’s glade the caribou are dead? If so I can answer you question.
It’s a common trope used in M rated non-con porn stories on this site. The Caribou tribe are often depicted as kidnaping mares to use as sex slaves.
I’ve only ever seen them from those types of stories. (Never read them though. I don’t like non-con stories.)
Edit:(because of fumble fingers)
It’s possible that there are stories out there in which they are a normal tribe that are not hell bent on being evil sex slavers.
Sadly I’ve never come across any stories like that.
The diamond dogs being idiots in canon explains so much.
10347556
1 or 2 but never longlasting or important to the story they just exist.
Holy fuck I gotta steal that one. Cudos to thee!
Just realized how big does King Sombra change the world
Just realized how big does King Sombra change the world
I like the chapter. You have my follow
Hmm... I like the subtle changes you made to the environment, such as 'Dream Valley' being Celestia and Luna's home, and the destruction of species.
It kind of drags on a bit, but it’s ok so far, no errors either. Kudos!
10201865
Isn't that just a eastern unicorn version?
I actually like this. Now granted, it took me a lot of time to get around to reading it, but I enjoyed the introduction all the same.
10131356
Technically a lot of it comes across as alternate cannon, so it proberbly makes sense to establish some of it early on. For example Grogar's involvement in creating Sombra, or Sombra's plot to attack the Yaks.
There's a lot of information that will need to be explained at some point, and there's a argument to be made that it is better to do it in a prologue, then to just be info dumping it throughout the main text of the story itself. Though I wouldn't be surprised if both happen to occur throughout the story.
11028071
I always saw it as a purely cosmetic deformity. Kind of like MLP's version of foot binding. Something that is further highlighted by it's prominence among Oriental pony culture.
You will notice that only ancient Equestrians have this trait. It would make sense if it was a ritual celebration of the sun and moon that fell out of practice after Celestia and Luna took on their management.
This is one hell of an intro. You have snagged my attention~
A Sociopath killing of a Slave based race? Sounds about right...
Celestia and Luna sure take their time. Unless Sombra played it smart and that why the Alicorn come when it was to late already. The Crystal Empire had more reach than expected it seem...
So far all that might fit here, Skeletor is just time displaced faaaaar into the future...
Like we would be fucking waking up tomorrow and finding us in the 40K future...