In the grim darkness of the fourth millennium, the Holy Imperium of Equuleus has been at constant war for survival for nearly a thousand years. But when it encounters the Citadel Council, it discovers not only a true chance for peace, but also a chance for destruction. In order to secure allies, space marine Malleus Inflictum joins the veteran human Commander John Shepard on a hunt for the the biggest traitor in Council history. However, soon into the journey, they stumble upon evils more ancient than Chaos and more dangerous than the Eldar...
(WARNING: ASSUMES YOU UNDERSTAND HALO, WH40k AND MASS EFFECT TERMINOLOGY)
Chapters (5)
It's... got potential.
You take the idea of Warhammer 40k and blended it well with Pony from the brief view you gave us, but this is only a taste, so I'll need to reserve judgement until I see a more... completed, product.
Keep going.
I agree with sgtnolisten, there is potential here.
You've blended everything well. Curious as to what has happened to the rest of the Mane 6, if you plan on using them.
what
citadel council?
warhammer 40k + mass effect + mlp crossover?
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Thanks, I'll try not to screw up too badly. By the way, the Mane 6 will be used and the opening for next chapter is a brief overview of the present Imperium (governmental) and the next will be the present military. Once I'm done with Twilight's writings I'll move on to ME-style codex entries.
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It's mainly MLP/ME, but the ponies are heavily influenced by WH. Not the same, mind you. They'll be different enough that you can't guess the details of the Imperium from prior knowledge (mostly because the only thing I know about the universe is the space marines). Another point is that they do not replace the humans as you'll see in later chapters.
(mostly because the only thing I know about the universe is the space marines).
WHAT
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You need to choose one or the other.
One thing about militaries is that they like uniformed looks, and because the asthetics of the ships in both verses are dramatically different, for basic reasons, it just wouldn't fit.
Example (if there's any discrepancies for Starcraft, it's because I have not played Starcraft 2. And all examples are from the human factions): Hyperion, Raynor's Battle Crusier, is a massive ship. To me, it seems slow (the engines compared to the rest of the ship seem rediculous for propulsion), and can maybe take a beating (a second look at some concept art makes me think that the plates arn't as thick as I once thought), and may be centered around the Yamato cannon, but this observation does not jump out and scream at me, so I could be wrong on that front.
For Halo, let us select... the Pillar of Autumn. Big and seemingly fat, with thick armor plating, but when one takes the sizes of the engines into account, it may be able to take a beating, but it's to minmize it by being fast (relativly speaking). The fact that it's biggest and main weapon is the spinal mounted MAC, leads me to believe that the UNSC ships are to be in constant motion for maximum effect. (Take a look at the illustration for the "Keyes Loop")
images.wikia.com/halo/images/b/be/Keyes_Loop.jpeg
Okay, there is a minor problem here, with the formatting - you start off with italics signifying thoughts, and then the entire thing becomes italicised. What, did Twilight suddenly start thinking about educational literature?
As for the development of technology - It actually only took 18k years (give or take a few millennia) for humanity to develop the technology it has. In fact, in the ensuing millenia, much of their technological expertise has been lost. Whilst I realise this may not entirely justify giving WH40K gear to the ponies, 4000 years of stable leadership and continuous research would allow for them to be further up the tech tree than the comparative human civilisation.
With regards to what type of ship should be used.... Admittedly, I have near zero knowledge of Mass Effect (hell, I had to look up what 'ozee' was), but with the justifications I have set out, I reckon Imperial-era Star Wars vessels would be perfectly reasonable (bearing in mind that planetkilling 'superlasers' were just on the edge of being developed, and the 'Death Star' in fact housed the cutting edge of hyperspace technology, which required a veritable planetoid just to be mounted on).
Badass space pony with 40k power armor beat turian in so brutal and hurtful way?
'snif' I Think I'm in Love with this epic
Okay... Apparently you went with some sort of hybridised Halo/WH40K ship. I should point out that solid slug weaponry would be one of the more inefficient methods of space-borne combat - ammo takes up space, increases mass, and requires resupply once diminished. Energy based weaponry takes up little space for munitions, barely increases mass, and can be recharged from any power source. Admittedly, the only solid state weaponry described were the main cannons, so perhaps the point-defense systems are energy based, but I thought it worth pointing out.
Also - the plural of pegasus is pegasi. 'Pegasuses' is just unbeleivably awkward to pronounce.
Not to mention, Twilight was unbeleivably harsh, there - I mean, threatening the guy's home planet? I know there's four thousand years of offscreen character development, but whatever happened to 'the magic of freindship'? Or do non-equine species not count?
So, yeah, good work, and let's see the next chapter.
There IS evils older than Chaos itself, they are called the Necrons, C'tan, Orks, and possibly Tyranids,
123653 But when one uses energy weapons, they also have to deal with far more bells and whistles than they would with a slug thrower like the MAC. Higher maintenance costs, more time consumed for that maintenance, heat build-up unless you have God's coolant, and the power consumption from an energy weapon is not something I would want for my navy's main weapons (try playing Armored Core 4 or For Answer with energy weapons and see how quickly your energy output goes down). I'd maybe have them for some point defense guns like the GUARDIANS, but not too many because I'd always want to have a large pool of energy on standby.
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Admittedly, the energy consumption of energy weapons would be problematic for small craft, but when you get to ships of a few kilometers in size, the powerplants to maintain that sort of output can also be fitted in. As for maintenance costs - why? A slug thrower has more moving parts, which wear down over time, whereas an energy emitter is only likely to break if you try to operate it outside of it's 'safety' parameters. So most of the cost will be replacements for parts fried due to dangerous operating, (which is most likely to occur as a result of) or combat damage. The majority of time spent on maintenance on ship guns (even today), is mostly software related. I can't deny that it will be more important with energy based weapons, but would it be all that much more time consuming? And what problem with heat transfer? The way I envision it, the majority of the heat generated by whatever weapon it is would be along or at the end of the barrel. Which is in space. An environment approaching absolute zero. The excess heat would be dumped pretty damn fast.
The other problem with solid state weapons is that they throw out a lot of materials (which can be used for other things), increasing their running costs, but also spreading a load of hazardous material around space. For lower calbre weaponry, this doesn't really matter much, except to unshielded vessels (which the ponies use), but for some of the bigger stuff... well, would you want a nuclear shell floating about in space, waiting to blow up somewhere? No - you want to keep track of things like that.
If, as we have both said now, it's simply the main gun that is material based, and the defenses are energy based, then, whilst I personally would prefer to have a super laser mounted on my ships, that is quite understandable, as ponies may simply have not reached a tech level which allows them to, and slugs do posess some advantages over energy weapons.
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The Immaterium is a parallel universe to realspace. It has always existed. Arguably, it could be said that the Warp was not always subjugated mainly by the four Gods, but it has always been around, and, as such, daemonic incursion/posession have always been a threat. If you are referring to the Chaos Marines specifically, then yes, there things older than them, but they are not the original forces of Chaos, simply the ones most present in the mind of the Imperium.
124065 I can point some of your arguments back to my own. Your argument of "bigger ships can produce more power" only leads back to my argument at what cost? Yes, several kilometer ships can support the necessary power production facilities to fuel the weapons you're talking, but now you have to consider: hull production costs (which should be astronomical by itself since we're talking a several kilometer ship), costs for those plants, power transfer systems, and once again, maintenance. We are talking about a warship here, and battlefields have the annoying ability to point out ALL the flaws of a design, even the most hardiest system.
Now, I could continue the argument, and believe me that I do want to continue it, but this is distracting me from 10 other stories that I have backed up, waiting to be read. So I bid anyone else who wishes to continue this debate with Dozy Dreamer to please step forward and do so as I bid you all a good day until the next chapter.
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I hasten to point out there is a huge difference between maintenance/running costs, and production costs. Production of any interstellar craft is going to cost a lot. Production of an interstellar warship would likely break the bank for most nations. Fortunately, an interplanetary alliance should have a budget large enough to accomodate single time expenses of the size necessary to build such things. If they were to also have extremely high maintenance/running costs, then yes, I agree, they would simply be unfeasible. However, is it not better to have a fleet of large, relatively self sustaining ships, that can traverse the universe and assault your enemies at will, than to have a fleet of smaller vessels that are leashed to territories you already posess, for fear of overstretching your supply lines?
Your argument now is no longer one of 'which weapon is better?', but more one of 'immediate cost vs effectiveness'. The fleet you seem to wish for may well be adequate to defend territories with, but over the long run, would likely cost more than the one I propose, and would limit your empire to a slow expansion of your borders (unless some sort of transport device was utilised). The fleet I propose, however, for an admittedly larger initial price, would also be adequate to defend territory, but would also be able to have far more extended supply lines, thereby striking at more of the opponents' facilities.
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Ship weapons- 1st of all, the energy to simply shoot a slug into space is considerably less than an energy weapon, and the power required to do something would require a ship longer than 1.5 kilometers or technology vastly more advanced than a 4,000 year empire. In Halo, the Covenant only had it because of the Forerunners and in Mass Effect the Asari, the oldest species by far, didn't have anything for long range. And, being giant coilguns, would be quite simple and easier to maintain.
Plural of Pegasus- It's Greek, not Roman. Thus "-es". I might change it just for the rule-of-convenience (Like the ponies' distance measurements)
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Right, fair enough - I'd be willing to accept that the Ponies simply may not be capable of superlasers. As for 'easier to maintain'... Presumably, you are referring to the spinal mounted MAC cannons you currently have, and that the 'point defense' systems would be something else, if at all present. In the case of just one large cannon which requires multiple airlocks to prevent losing atmosphere with each shot, I may agree. If, however, you want the point defense systems to shoot bullets... That would be more of a maintenance nightmare, I would think. And every turret on the ship would be a hazard, as well.
As for 'pegasuses/pegasi' - my dictionary has no listing for pegasus, and the internet can't seem to come to a general consensus on the proper plural (damn the Greeks for using it as a name for one horse instead of for the species). I hereby reference 'octopus/octopi' and 'genius/genii', as the foundation for my beleif that it is some sort of rule.
Neato story.
"I still think[/i[-"
Broken italic tag.
I'm not an ME player, so unfortunately I can't really say much about this chapter. I can say you never once lost my interest.
I do have some questions, however. I am assuming that, if they were supposed to have productive talks, then basic information would have been exchanged so as to allow the diplomats to make informed decisions about how to best approach each other. If this is the case, then the Council should be well aware that the Imperium has spent (call it a thousand?) years blowing the crap out of anything and everything that so much as _looked_ at them funny (I'm guessing because their first contact with extre-Equestrian races was with a Chaos tainted race/ Chaos themselves. Either way, a quick lesson in 'kill things or die'). So why are they surprised when their offer gets turned down?
The only races who would take that offer are newcomers to the galactic scene, desperate enough for trade, and weak enough so as to be threatened by the Council should they refuse. The Imperium does _not_ need trade - anything they require, they can obtain within their own borders... or they can expand their borders until they do. It does _not_ need allies - it is sufficiently armed and experienced in defending itself. And it can _not_ be bullied by the Council - the military force of the Council is perhaps equal to that of the Imperium, so they do not have enough of an advantage to play 'force majeure'.
You see, I'm not entirely sure whether the character stupidity here is to be blamed on you or on the characters. An alliance of sovereign states is only entered into willingly when the advantages of joining outweigh both the disadvantages, and the consequences of _not_ joining. With most new members of the Council, I get the impression the choice was 'pay for trade and protection with your sovereignity' or 'be annihilated' - hence the reason no state has ever declined an 'invitation'. With this situation, they are not talking to a new race just off their home planet, nor are they speaking with a race ignorant of the threats of the galaxy (both points evidenced by the ease with which they _captured_ a Turian fleet [considering capturing ships relativel;y intact is usually harder than just blowing them up]). Yet the Councillors do not act as though they recognise this difference.
I apologise for this turning into a rant, and if the Council really is this idiotic in ME, then I also apologise for wasting your time, but these people are supposed to be the chosen representatives for their races. As such, they are supposed to be experts in the fields of politics and diplomacy. Yet here they are utterly failing at practicing statecraft. When supposed experts fail in their field of expertise, I _rage_. And I expect swift and harsh retribution upon them for their failings. Again, if the Council really are this incompetent (Judging from what happned to the Quarians [rather than defend them, the Council _ejected_ them?!], they may well be), then I instead redirect this rant at Bioware.
DUDE!
I've been waiting for this story to update and I say that it was worth the wait!
I may not know all that much about Warhammer or Mass Effect but I do know enough to understand what's happening and stuff. Also common sense allows me to understand most things
But anywho, this is yet another awesome chapter and all I can really say is keep up the awesome work and I've got nothing else really to point out about the story other than it is interesting and awesome.
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*boom*
First off, your writing is technically sound. The grammar is fine and the prose reads fairly well.
That said, I have some notes:
Clearly, you're a fan of many things, but it's like they're all trying to walk through the same door at the same time. The more franchises you try to cram into one crossover story, the more readers you're going to alienate when they come across one that they aren't familiar with. I recognize Halo, Warhammer and a brief mention of Starcraft, all just in the prologue, with Mass Effect (which I've never played) following soon behind. And the role that the Halo parts serve is purely historical, and doesn't even really have any bearing on the current events of the story. If they weren't there at all, it wouldn't make the slightest difference
(Chapter 3) "vastly out preforming anything that current mass effect technology could accomplish." Is "mass effect" here referring to all technology in the game of Mass Effect? Since I don't know what the term itself means within that game, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, but if it does, be more specific. It's poor form to get that meta in a story. That would be like saying "Master Chief picked up the stormbolter, and marveled at how much larger its caliber was than any other gun in Halo," or "the Space Marine remarked on how inferior the Scorpion Tank was to any similar Warhammer vehicle."
The infodumps by Twilight are vaguely interesting, but they're not terribly relevant. I'm a firm believer that background should be woven organically into the action. These are the opposite: interrupting the action to tell me things that I don't really need to know to understand the plot or characters.
Perhaps I'm not qualified to judge the story, as it seems like a 1:1:2 ratio of Pony to Warhammer to Mass Effect, and I am ignorant of the latter. But I'm just having trouble getting enthusiastic about it.
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Council=/=Citadel. Citadel are all the allied races, the Council are representatives of the three most powerful races of the Citadel. It's not easy to rank as a Citadel race (some races have become voluntary client races to Citadel races to gain the benefits), and a major plot point of the first Mass Effect game is humanity attempting to earn a seat on the Council.
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The name "Mass Effect" comes from an in-universe term. Here's the opening scroll:
In the year 2148, explorers on Mars discovered the remains of an ancient spacefaring civilization.
In the decades that followed, these mysterious artifacts revealed startling new technologies, enabling travel to the furthest stars.
The basis for this incredible technology was a force that controlled the very fabric of space and time.
They called it the greatest discovery in human history.
The civilizations of the galaxy call it...
MASS EFFECT
Also, the Twilight dumps are a common feature of Mass Effect fanfiction (not with Twilight though), due to the in-game Codex, accessible through the pause menu, which explains every goddamn thing in the entire game. It's used as a shorthand for noncritical background.
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... That just makes my point even _more_ valid. So, now not only are they expecting this incredibly powerful race to join the Citadel members - they won't even get a position on the ruling Council they are expected to abide by if they do? Seriously, one enters into diplomatic agreements because they are _beneficial_ to one's nation - if there are massive disadvantages, and few advantages, _why are the Council surprised the Equines turn them down_?
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I just checked the chapter, and although the offer never specifies that they were invited to join the Council (might want to fix that, boredhooman), the Turian councilor's response to Celestia's rejection makes it clear that the ponies would have joined as a Council race, not just as Citadel members.
The Mass Effect games make do make the Councilors out to be pretty dumb though. It's not until ME3 (after Shepard has saved the galaxy twice) that they listen to anything Shepard says.
Oh, Hostile Contact. I get it now. Took me long enough (2.5 months).
400726 Or Hard Contact
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>Get comment from Inquisipony Stallius, author of Archives
>Doesn't say it's shit
>
400434
1: Thanks for explaining
2: Did I say Council? I meant Citadel. I guess I have an edit to do for next chapter release...
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Yeah, it's Hard Contact.
Unrelated: Anyone willing to help me with the next chapter's infodump? It's about the Imperium's culture. PM me if interested and I'll send an outline with the info. I just need a quick 'sketch' so I know where to start (I suck at starting lines). In return, you will get a cookie. And mention in the A/N.
Why do even bother writing?
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So, I piss you off when I don't like your self insert, and then you insult my story without offering anything useful? Like, attacking it? Like, what Chat accuses everyone of? Instead of being harsh but honest, you're just insulting me?
This is hysterical! And just in case you delete this...
i.imgur.com/HLoXV.png
Awesome another chapter.
Love it.
Maybe my eyes glossed over it, but were the ship dimensions the same as the Imperial Navy?
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No. I'm using Halo ships in this. I figured 40k ships would be a bit overpowered. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should be able to find the ship type/class early in its introduction in the prose. Just go to the Halo wiki and search there.
Review Time!
>Equestrian Guard
Alright, cool ,it's a 40k crossover with ponies being the IoM, that's-
>a savior arrived in the form of a single TROTLITE, the Master Chief 117
Wat
So let me get this straight, it's ponies as the UNSC/IoM? How does that work?
>New Clompassa
That's not even a pun! That's just...bad!
>the vehicle effectively rain into the bullet,
Vehicle rain! Some stay dry and others feel the pain, vehicle rain!
>it’s engine being destroyed in the process and sending the rest of the chassis into a tumbling mess that the second vehicle in the column crashed into.
Not only i this clunky, it breaks canon. A Vyper has trouble being blown up by Bolter rounds, ie .75 caliber combination gyrojet/impingement rounds with a mass reactive fuse. An Anti-Materiel won't do jack.
>A second projectile soon destroyed the Vyper while a third bullet launched towards the still functional second Vyper
I am very confused. What exactly is happening?
>“Zerg’s gone’n’ c’t th’ Eldar fleet ‘n ‘alf.
Two tings. One, don't use phonetic accents unless absolutely necessary. Two, ZERG? HOW MANY UNIVERSES ARE YOU CROSSING HERE?
>Imperium of Equuleus
Wait, I thought this was the UESC, not the IoE
>traveling through the Immaterium, an alternate dimension, to ignore the light barrier.
Did they have Gellar fields, or did they just say lolnope to the Daemons? Because one works and the other has you raped by a Daemonette as a Bloodcrusher disembowels your crew and a Changer of Fates says "Just as Planned".
>The Eldar, an ancient collection of xeno races
I thought the Elfdar were one race though! Well, two if you count the Dark versions...
>UESC territory, roughly at 800 worlds
Is this the UESC's territory, or the not-Eldar's?
>While Nightmare was pure, “untainted” evil, Discord was in it all for the fun.
So Nightmare is Khorne and Discord is Slaanesh?
Was that supposed to be this version of the Horus Heresy, or was it just a Black Crusade?
Alright so final thoughts: Your canon needs a bit of polishing, and the first bit was largely unecessary, it would have been better to show a bit of modern-day stuff. And so, in conclusion-
We have arrived, and it is now we preform our charge...
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Remember, it's based off of the Imperium, and has the history of Mass Effect to take into account. The only canon I intend to stay faithful to is ME. Also, I'm making Nightmare be the god of corruption, inspired by Nurgle and Slaanesh (I'm sure you can see what those two gods have to do with it) and Discord the god of... discord, inspired by Tzeentch and Khorne (Discord is a surprisingly good planner, and Khorne likes to just fuck shit up). By the way, they are lucky they exist at all, considering the whole "harvesting" thing, so there are no real threats from passing daemons during Warp travel. Same deal with the Halo portion. I'm picking and choosing what I want from it, such as the space ships. I figured 40k ships would be a little OPed when dealing with ME, and I decided to base the foundation of the Imperium on the UNSC
because of creative lazinessto give them a reason not to steamroll over the Council races: they've been in a war for survival for a thousand years and has only recently been turning in their favor.And the Zerg are the Tyranids. The language had evolved in the thousand years between the prologue and first chapter.
I do not have any advice to give other than continue the story, I know this doesn't give you much if anything at all to work with but I would like to see this story continue and be awesome again, it's already awesome just needs to continue.