Heavy Rain

THeavy Rain (Badly Translated)
MLP: FiM
Romance
Random
Tragedy
This is why Translator Fails isn't a brony channel.
Death
Rainbow Dash
OC
Main 6
Son of Liberty · 1.3k words · 218 views

Swansong, an energetic stallion from Canterlot, has seen a few deaths in his time as a private detective in Ponyville. But when tragedy hits closer to home than he ever expected, it's up to his best friend, Rainbow Dash, to cheer him up.
Feedback is appreciated, as this is my first story and I'd like to see how people react to my writing style.
(This is my first story. Swansong is my OC.)
Title is no reference to the game. Short one-shot.
There will be a sequel.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 4 )

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hawthornbunny

hawthornbunny #1 · Aug 10th, 2019 · 1 · · Epilogue-The Return ·

Congrats on your first fic!

You asked for feedback, so these are my thoughts:

1) The intro does a good job of getting the story started with some momentum.
2) On a technical level, the writing is competent; no major spelling or grammar issues that I could see. The dialogue formatting is fine.
3) "punch-drunk" literally means being dazed by blows to the head. Was the stallion getting beaten up or something?
4) While Swansong can be sympathized with on an intellectual level (obviously, losing one's entire family is bad), we don't know anything about him and therefore don't really know how this news would affect him as a person.
5) The description claims that Swansong is a private detective, but the story doesn't mention this in any way.
6) Why wasn't Swansong at his own family reunion?
7) Swansong is absent for most of his own story.
8) The story simply asserts that the Mane Six care deeply about Swansong, without giving any reason why.
9) The Mane Six's search lasts all of one sentence. Did nothing interesting happen during that time?
10) The Mane Six somehow forget that Swansong's entire family just died, and instead start celebrating his latest romantic development.
11) This story doesn't give the impression of an alternate timeline - not even a fast-and-loose Kelvin-style timeline. Alternate timelines show us could-have-beens, blending familiar things with new ways. This could be set in canon Equestria for all that I can tell.

Son of Liberty