Monty Hoofton's Galloping Circus

by paxtofettel

Of Dead Parrots and Slugs

(The audience is seeing a vast ocean from a sandy beach. In the distance, a lone figure is trying to get closer to the camera but it keeps falling into the water. As it nears, we notice that the strange figure is actually a turquoise unicorn mare with a white mane and lyre cutie mark. She is covered in tattered clothing and her mane is frazzled. She finally reaches the camera, stands on her hind legs and says: "IT'S….")

Monty Hoofton's Galloping Circus

Sketch: Of Dead Parrots and Slugs

When one went to the market district of Canterlot, one would find many fine establishments with tons of goods for the good ponies to spend their hard earned bits on. Everything from the modest fruits from the vast pastures of the countryside, to the most exotic of amulets and idols from the Zebra Savannah could be found in this sprawling district. As such, it was always filled to the brim with ponies from both the lower working class, to the elites. Merchants from all around Equestria and beyond came here to sell their wares and make a small profit. However, there are those who do not understand the value of honesty and constantly swindle the poor customers…Bloody monsters… Oh bloody hell, you again?! I thought you were afflicted with a horrible, potentially fatal disease that would have probably ended your life…Eh, I got better… *Sigh* Unfortunately. Can you at least not interrupt me like last time? I make no promises… Fine, anyways, back to the story.

In this entire hubbub, one single pony was making her way to a certain boutique near the center of the district. She was a small earth pony, with a grey coat and black mane. Emblazoned on her flanks was a cutie mark in the shape of a treble clef. Around her neck, she wore a simple pink bow-tie. Despite her normal ordinary…Isn't that redundant? Shut it! Anyways, despite her ordinary appearance, she was probably the most well know pony in Canterlot, probably in all of Equestria. She was Octavia, renowned cellist and overall, the classiest pony to have lived. In her mouth, she was carrying a small, ordinary bird cage. Inside was, what else, a bird, who was strangely lying down at the base. Octavia had a look of contained frustration on her face. She finally made it to her destination: "Furry Tail Pets and Pet Accessories," a strange name if I do say so myself…But you came up with the name…Shhh, the readers don't know that.

"Hello, I wish to make a complaint," Octavia called out as she entered the store. She walked up to the counter and spotted a brown maned mare looking for something on the floor. "Hello, miss," she greeted the counter pony.

The mare, oops, I mean stallion, poked his head from up the counter and looked at Octavia. "Whatcha mean 'miss'?" he asked.

Octavia looked rather embarrassed and quickly looked for a way to resolve the situation. "I'm terribly sorry. I have come down with a cold. Anyways, I wish to make a complaint," answered Octy...Octy?... Not a single word.

"Sorry, we're closing down for brunch," said the stallion and he was about to go to the back room before he was interrupted by Octavia clearing her throat.

"Never mind that, my dear colt. I wish to complain about this parrot I bough not half an hour ago from this very establishment," she said as she lifted the cage up on the counter.

The store pony inspected both the cage and the parrot inside of it, "Ah yes, the lovely Tropical Parrot. What's wrong with it?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong with it: it's dead, that's what's wrong with it," answered Octavia in a neutral voice.

"No, no, it's just restin'," said the counter stallion, whom we shall call "Bob"…Why Bob?...Who's telling the story? Now, be quiet.

Octavia scrunched her face into a frown, "Resting, you say? Listen, I think I would know a dead parrot when I saw one."

Bob shook his head, "No, it's just restin'. Remarkable bird, the Tropical Parrot, lovely plumage."

Octavia's frown deepened and her eyes pierced into the insolent counter stallion, "The plumage doesn't matter. It's stone dead."

He shook his head once again, "No, he really is just resting," he continued to assure. Octavia was starting to get really annoyed.

"Alright then, if its resting then I'll wake it up," said Octavia as she opened the cage door and stuck her muzzle into the opening, "HELLO, POLLY! I'VE GOT A NICE CUTTLEFISH FOR YOU WHEN YOU WAKE UP, POLLY PARROT!"

Bob inconspicuously pushed the cage a bit with his hoof, "There, it moved."

"No, it didn't. That was you pushing the bloody cage!" exclaimed the musical pony.
The colt looked shocked, as if she was out of line for accusing him of such a thing. "I did not!" he retorted.

"Yes, you did" replied Octavia as she once again stuck her muzzle back into the cage. "HELLO POLLY!POOOOOOLLLLYYYY! POLLY PARROT, WAKE UP!" As she called out to the deceased parrot, she took the cage between her hooves and banged it against the counter in a vain attempt to wake it up. The parrot didn't wake up. "Now that's what I call a dead parrot" she told the pony in front of her.

But the colt was still being difficult, "No, it's stunned. It was pining for the jungle."

"Pining for the jungle? What kind of talk is that?" asked Octavia with a confused look on her face. She was starting to lose her temper, "Look the parrot fell flat on its back the moment I brought it to my loft."

"Well, the Tropical Parrot prefers keeping on its back" Bob assured Octavia, still not letting up with his constant lying.

Octavia let out a frustrated sigh, "Look, I took the liberty of examining the bird and I found out that the reason why it stood on its perch was because it had been nailed there."

"Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise, it would muscle up to those bars and 'fwoomp'" said the store pony.

The cellist gritted her teeth and she took out the parrot from its resting place, "Look, my dear pony. This parrot wouldn't 'fwoomp' if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding deceased."

Bob shook his head yet again, "No, its, its pining"

At that moment, Octavia lost all of her self control, "It is not pining, it is passed on. This parrot is no more, it has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. Bereft of life, it rests in piece. Its rung down the curtains, joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot." At this point, all that Octavia could see was red.

Bob merely gave a shrug, "Guess I'd better go replace it then," he said before going to the back room to look for a replacement.

Octavia let out a long sigh and looked towards the camera. "If you want something done right, you've got to complain until you go blue in the mouth," she told the readers. After a moment, the stallion came back with empty hooves.

"Sorry love, we are all out of parrots," he apologized to her. It took all of her willpower not to buck him in the muzzle.

"I see, I see what's going on here" she muttered.

"I've got a slug," Bob offered to the poor musician. Octavia was not impressed.

"Does it talk?" she asked.

Bob shrugged and shook his head, "Not really, no."

She facehoofed, "Well that's hardly a replacement then. I say, this is getting rather silly."

Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, a large stallion in military garb burst into the room.

"Right, stop this. This is silly, very silly indeed" he said in a gruff, deep voice, "Right, get on with it. GET ON WITH IT!"

(The camera suddenly cuts to a bright pink pony with an equally pink and poofy mane.)

"And now for something super duper totally different!" the mare says before blowing on a party horn.

THE END

Comments

[Nonagon]

This chapter is, I think, less effective than the first. It's less an Equestrian innovation and more of a carbon copy. Since the proper cadence and comedic timing is hard to get across in text, you really need to up the characterization to draw us in; that's why Spam worked with Rarity and Spike, because their unique characters were adding something to a sketch we've all heard a thousand times before. We don't have that extra element here, so this one falls flat.
...sorry, nearly slipped into Fancy for a second there.

[Delicious]

And yet you haven't done Spanish Inquisition???

[paxtofettel]

69314

Well, it's kinda hard to give characterization to a pony that didn;t get any sort of development. But I promise to make improvements in the next chapter. An unexpected and inquisitive chapter.

[The Producer]

69452

NNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo pony expects the spaneighsh inquisition!

[Meta Knight]

delightful

[Spikey G33K]

THIS IS AN EX PARROT!!!!
never gets old

[inactive profile]

Waaaait a minute.

I always thought that dead parrots were of the Norwegian (Neighwegian?) Blue variety, and pined for the fjords?

[Cobalt Shock]

Hilarious! Here, have a cookie
I did see a lot of spelling errors tho