Betrayed by the ones he trusted, brought up on Crimes he didn't commit and with the Solar Diarch out for his head. The only Human in Equestria has little going for him, but save his plans and his allies he has made!
Can he get out of this with his life or is he doomed for the Hangman's Noose?
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9608042
Damn I really missed some of those? thought I got all the spelling errors
But thanks for the Compliment, though to be on the level? This is my first FIM story, but I have done stories before
9608079
Agree, I went over it like four times though
If it's not to much trouble can you point out the ones you saw so I can fix them?
9608149
Thanks, I will fix them.
And what happens next, will there be a sequel to this short story?
9608219
Most Likely, Though it will likely be awhile due to RL issues
Though it's nice to see people already asking if there will be more
9608280
Thank you for answering my question, and I am very interested in knowing what will happen next the wait will be tedious but in the end it will be worth it when you do it
This was great and if you don't continue it, I will riot.
Jk, but seriously good one-shot.
9608744
Thanks, with how well this is doing I might just make it into a One-shot Series >.>
I really wasn't expecting it to do this well, I mean I KNEW it wasn't gonna be Featured (I am not THAT Lucky) but it is doing FAAAAR better then even I could have hoped for!
On the one hand, it was nicely written, on the other you pretty much used Star Trek type cliffhanger at the end
And... darn it, Celestia as the bad guy? I demand an explanation, dear sir (and a sequel or second chapter
).
9609903
Yeah, I MIGHT have had This:
On loop during that last bit
I always loved Khan: Cold, Calculating and a Genius. Made to be the ultimate soldier and leader, but ultimately corrupted by mans Hubris.
As for Celestia? It's a little bit of this and a little bit of that, No Spoilers
9608149
Thanks for pointing those out they have been fixed now!
If anyone else sees any more issues let me know
24601... really?
Going for the drama then... but love the classics!
...
Like ST II Wrath of Khan!
9611746
About time some one noticed that, I do not add References without meaning behind them
9612410
You almost sound as old as me.
Doesn't matter. You get my "thumbs up" for references.
Well, this is a good story! It's not the kind I'd usually go for, but it was nice to read. I did feel like it was a bit confusing, though. (Yes, I do realize the mystery factor) Maybe consider adding a bit more description to who was talking to the prisoner (some parts were perfect in the description factor), why he has those friends, and what he has against Celestia.
Good work for a first story!
9833297
I was trying not to go to heavy on the descriptions and avoid the annoying “He, she, I, it said” like a lot of people fall into.
This is the first of four I plan on doing, this is about midway though the story so more will be made clear as we go.
9833303
Sounds great! I will be tracking this!
Who am I....
Good, if odd, story. Also not my usual, but the ending was fun and different! Great first story, definitely!
Hey man. I found this on No Author Left Unnoticed. I'll be adding my thoughts to this comment as I go. Just a heads up though, I'm by no means great, but I like to think that I can at least write passably, so take everything I say at your own value.
Your first paragraph feels like it starts very abruptly. Don't get me wrong, it's possible to start off fast, but the first sentence is a sentence that would feel more at home later on. Setting the scene a little before giving the audience information would be appreciated. Also the way you structure this character's thoughts could use a little work. The way you show a character's thoughts is largely up to you. Some opt for Italics, some go for bold, underlined, you get the idea. Asterisks are fine too. However it lacks proper capitalization, and cramming the dialogue into a paragraph is not good writing.
Wrong "its". They were not adjusting to this world and it is differences. They were adjusting to this world and its differences.
Why is friends capitalized in the quotation? Also there doesn't seem to be a pause between "frie-" and "no". It's a little clunky and will make the story feel rushed. Time is important both inside the story and out.
Also something I'm noticing is that it's very odd how you have this character a thought dialogue and yet we seem to be looking into their thoughts all the time without reading them directly. So why bother with them in the first place?
I'm at the fourth paragraph and this isn't a sequel to anything, right? Who are these allies that this person has made? Expecting the reader to just go along with the story won't work. You have to explain to them what's going on, because we can't read your mind. It would only take a line or two to explain who these mysterious allies are, and that's all we need. You can still withhold information about them until later, but at least give your audience something.
This is probably a "me" problem, but what is a "two by two hell" exactly? Given the context I know it's a euphemism for a prison but I'm not too sure what the point is here.
The iron shoes in two by two sets is a nice touch. It helps build up suspense to whatever's coming next, no nice job on that.
Okay why did you capitalize "white" in one of your paragraphs? It's an adjective, not a proper noun.
This all said I have to get to class now. Sorry I can't read through the whole thing, but just tell e if you want me to continue. I hope I didn't sound too harsh in any of this, but I bring up everything I did because everyone on this site wants you to do well, so keep on practicing, man, and have a good one.
9847704
First off, Thank you for the look over! All the spelling issues that you pointed out will be fixed in a few hours, baring any RL issues.
So a lot of the abruptness and seemingly fast paced Dialog is due to mostly three factors:
1) This took months to write and a good many (like nine) rewrites before I was satisfied with how it looked. This means in turn that a lot of the dialog was edited out, new parts put in and many, MANY edits were done. I started to realize that this was taking to long (well beyond what even lateness would really abide by) and decided to just finish it off, do a final edit and publish it.
2) This section of the story takes place YEARS into this AU, I think....Looks at notes yeah about five and a half years after he arrived. This was never meant to be more then a one off drama fic that kinda gained a life and lore all it's own and before I knew it I was already writing the next one of a mentally planed four part (this one is second to last in this era of the series) interconnected one shot series. Though if I am honest? I think the idea of a series bled it's way in sooner. Thus you have a lot of unexplained plot points that will be told later on.
3) I am not afraid to say I had low expectations for this, I was doubting myself and the story. Thus you can expect my surprise when it did so well out of the gate! I think that self Doubting really ruined the quality of work that ended up being published and I am also not afraid to admit that. I might just come back before the next story in the series is ready to publish and revamp it a bit.
Anyway I hope this answered a majority of your questions! NOW! if you will excuse me I need to go find an editor that isn't afraid of my word mush
9847954
Oh so it’s part of a series? If so then you should probably link it (forgot how, but I know it’s possible, haha). I probably wouldn’t have brought up anything I was expected to know if I knew. That said I understand that struggling with a story sucks, but don’t be afraid to take your time. I believe that I speak for everyone when I say that we can wait as long as the quality’s good. So don’t be afraid to even start from scratch if you feel like it’s not as good as it needs to be. Anyways I think I’ve said my piece, so I’ll let you go. Have a good one man.
9848218
Hey thanks, Yes this is part of a Series and if you were to put then in Chronological order this would be towards the end of the series as a whole. That being said, The rest have yet to be written and the (Chronological) first, and thus the technical "Prologue", of the series is being written as we speak and it's at about 400 words with a set minimum of 2,500 words for the full one-shot.
Nice story. Keep going