- Member Since 10th Jul, 2011
- offline last seen 14 hours ago
Shrinky Frod
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Shrinky Frod
Joined 10th Jul, 2011 ·
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Contest judge... some thoughts.
Hoo boy.. Where to start?
Really funny and interesting premise. Tons of things going on. Lots of dialogue. I liked the dialogue; it's the highlight of the fic for me.
All that frantic prose comes at a costly price to the overall readability and coherence to the narrative, however. Put simply, I got lost. There were a few things going against the fic in that regard, but I think the main one was the lack of graceful scene transitions. There are no horizontal breaks or any other sort of separator to compartmentalize the fic into distinct parts. Literally it goes from one sentence in one place to suddenly jumping to an entirely different scene taking place miles away with different characters.
And about the number of characters... The fic has no solid point of view. It jumps around everywhere and gets rather confusing. There's no solid foundation to ground me within the story. Starlight comes close as she has one of the strongest voices in the fic and remains near the center of the characters, but ultimately the jumps in scene killed it for me.
Were it me, I think I'd have focused on the flower sisters. Your dialogue for them was actually quite amusing. The other information regarding the use of the changeling subterfuge could have played out in subtext. The scene with the bug brothers.. maybe would have to be cut in this instance. IMO, the fic is just too busy trying to do so many things.
Sometimes, less really is more.
Still, the fic got some chuckles out of me, so thanks for writing it.
9611833
Yeah... this was the first of my story ideas, but the last to get enough brainspace to be written, I'm afraid. Suffered from the deadline as a result. May expand on it another time.