- Member Since 5th Feb, 2019
- offline last seen 7 hours ago
The Cloptimist
do not mistake peace for quiet
The Cloptimist
Joined 5th Feb, 2019 ·
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😳
Yeah, well, you read it, so.
Anyway, I was reading about ancient China, as you do, and came across (phrasing!) the story of Empress Wu Zetian, and thought that might make a good basis for a clopfic one day. And then I saw the incest contest didn't limit you to one entry, and furthermore that the sponsor was offering a bonus for Princest, and, well, this is what happened.
Points of interest: (1) the expressions in the screenshot were too perfect not to adapt into cover art, (2) the "textbook" isn't real but the advice in it most definitely is - an educational clopfic, how about that! - and (3), that is my favourite chapter title of anything I've yet written.
I like how you took this concept and made it not as dark as it sounded, but I feel like Celestia needs to eat out Luna now, to show a sort of circular loyalty without one being above the other...
9584825
I misread that as "circular royalty", which would be a whole different story!
*when you want to simulate your readers sexually and mentally*
9585765
I'm going to put that on my business cards.
9586169
Lol
Very lovely. Nice show
9603746
Aw, thanks, I'm glad you liked it!
Contest Judge with some thoughts.
I wasn't sure what to expect going into this one. What I will say is that the saving grace of this is that it didn't take itself too seriously at all. It was silly and it knows it's silly.
So from a subjective view, there was a few minor things I noticed though. One thing was this:
--- SPOILER STUFF ---
First, I found this a bit odd because before now the PoV was third limited from Luna's perspective. There were a few other minor slips here and there too, but this one kind of stood out. Why the sudden peek into Celestia's thoughts?
Anyway, by this point in the story(and indeed almost right away) I suspected Celestia was full of shit about the ritual in some way. But even if I was 95% sure, this line pretty much killed that remaining 5% uncertainty, and I actually think it would have been best if you left it totally unanswered for the whole fic.
It gets pretty much spelled out at the very end in case anyone missed it.
Not saying you had to make it less apparent through subtext though. Celestia's little vocal outburst in the clop scene could have been left as-is even if you removed the obvious tells and that would've been a fine wink and nod to the reader, as with other less obvious tells.
As for the smut itself.. wasn't too bad at all. It was nice. I know that probably doesn't sound like high praise, but I'm horribly picky and difficult to please that way so bear that in mind.
As for more technical stuff I don't have much to say. I'm sure if I went through this with my editor glasses on I'd find plenty of little things, but the writing is overall solid and I was enjoying the fic enough that I mostly turned my editor laser vision off.
.. Well okay, ONE thing... you kind of overused dialogue interruptions in the early half of the fic. Like.. almost every line of dialogue there for a bit was being cut off. That's a pretty minor detail though.
So yeah. Nice read. Thanks.
9604486
Thank you very much! I definitely felt silly was the way to go here, as well as hinting Luna was only unhappy about the audience and not the act itself, or else I worried it might have come across as a bit, well, rapey. And there's probably still a good 'serious' clop story with a far darker tone - NMM, maybe? - to be had out of the ritual idea.
On the technical criticisms (and especially the pointless reveal for no benefit you highlighted) I feel I got off rather lightly there ( - phrasing! - ), to be honest. I'll take all of those notes on board; picking a narrative POV and sticking to it is my biggest weakness as a writer, I feel.
Anyway! Glad you (overall) enjoyed it!