Gold Star is a really talented pegasus, able to move as fast as a shooting star. (Though some say he only did that once) A tragic event forces Gold out into the world, forcing him to move from town to town and steal to survive. When he gets too close to Ponyville, however, a mare with a rainbow mane and her friends capture him and he is forced to stick around.
First Fan fiction please tell me if it was bad or not. I would love to continue but I would need help to improve content. Also tell me where I need to improve so that can get fixed as well. Thank you and please enjoy the story.
Also I give full credit to UP1TER for the Cover art, so go check him out and stuff he is on DeviantART.
Chapters (1)
Yea yea real cheesy chapter but I couldn't think of any other way
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1755174 I don't know but at least it ain't no peeing fetish
Just joking but seriously that story was odd
1755191 I'm
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Uh... This seems oddly familiar. He can run as fast as a shooting star, comes from a big city, raced in his past...
It reminds me of my story involving Rainbow Dash and another pony who can race.
Maybe I am jumping to conclusions, but where did you get this idea?
EDIT: I'm not asking in an accusing way and I'm not advertising my story! I'm just curious.
Seems pretty good so far, keep up the good work
If I were to even begin to explain the terror in this line the world would implode and Cthulhu would return.
Do you even sentence structure?
NOT A WORD. USE "GOING TO".
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Let's Review: A Shooting Star
All right then, I haven't done one of these in a while, so I'll try to go easy on you. Let's start with the description. I will be charitable in this and assume English isn't your first language, because... dear gods, what is this description?
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I mean, seriously... the sentence structure in your description is terrible. I'm not going to sugar coat it. I'm honestly not sure how to phrase my advice in this beyond 'please, dear gods, learn how English sentence structure works'. Perhaps start with what a clause is then work from there. If you know what a clause is, you can add commas to this so it's not an enormous block of run-on sentences. Try reading your description aloud, because it sounds incredibly awkward at the moment. Sentences just go on, and on, and on. I recommend changing this asap, as it's basically an enormous 'kick me' sign attached to your fic. Also, 'tragic event' is a really uninteresting way to phrase his issues, and 'self boasting' has no place in the English language. Just my £0.02.
Now, onto the story itself. You begin with 'Well it has been an ordinary day'. Please, please don't do that. It's barely above starting a story with 'one day'. It sounds like you're trying to be conversational (and I note the narrator isn't conversational anywhere else), but don't really know where to start. You trivialise him breaking a leg of all things... tell me, have you ever broken a bone in your body? From reading this, I doubt it, because it's usually intensely painful, and not something you just mention off the cuff like this. Again, it's like you're trying to write an 'anti hero' type of character, who steals but only because he has to, but have no idea of how to introduce him properly. It doesn't have any impact, basically.
He's able to out race a Wonderbolt? This... seems suspect. What use is this anyway, in a cramped urban environment where both participants can fly? Doesn't matter how fast you are, if you're not manoeuvrable. Again, this chase has no impact, because it seems routine. This would be fine, if there were some reason to include it other than 'woe is Gold Star, for he is poor'. It's just... there.
This. This sentence. It represents everything wrong with this story. It's not very interesting, turning what could have been an intense chase into something mundane for the purpose of making Star seem awesome (read: a wasted opportunity). It directly addresses the reader, in a third person story, which looks incredibly awkward. 'Gunna' is a non-word which you use repeatedly in narration, and honestly, it makes my eyes bleed a little just seeing it there on the page. If it's part of a guy's accent, then use it in dialogue, but in narration? Kill it. Kill it dead. The sentence is also really long, and could probably do with being broken up into two shorter sentences. Lastly, you should cut the 'that Gold can only assume is the shopkeeper' out and just leave it at 'the angry pegasus', because the sentence seems overloaded with words.
Reading on, I don't know if it's because you're writing in the present tense, or if it's your general writing style, but nothing seems to have significance. It's an issue of tone. If tones were colours, this story would be beige. It's like you're drily stating events that happen to Gold, without making them matter to him. At no point while reading this could I identify with Gold, he's just... there. There's not enough emotive language to make this character come to life, and honestly, reading this hurt me. I don't want to sound mean, but it's painful to read, since everything seems so flat. Even Gold seems more like a spoilt child than a desperate thief.
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My advice to you? Get someone to proofread, if you haven't already. If you already have a proofreader... get a new proofreader. Read more, and take not of how other authors structure their sentences. Look at how they use emotive language to make the reader identify with characters. Right now, you have the skeleton of a story. Maybe try writing in the past tense, rather than the present. It seems patently obvious you don't really know how to use present tense effectively, and thus basically try to contort a past tense story into present tense, creating this weird mashup of sentence structure. Your main points to improve would be sentence structure, characterisation, and emotive language. Also, whenever you feel like using the word 'gunna', please punch yourself. Better yet, get someone else to do it for you. That... thing has no place in narration.
Anyway, the solution to these problems is but a Google search away. Read some guides on writing, read some stories, and try rewriting this.
~Lord Sunder, TWE's Lurking Madman
1756009 I know gunna isn't a word and I must of forgot that and left in randomly in the middle of a sentence, I know sentence structure but I wrote this awhile back and I guess I didn't reread it.
1756111 Yea my mistake on the discription I kinda forgot to look it over after made it so it just kinda sat there
And same as Regidar I wrote it awhile back and didn't reread my fault there
Mistakes yea I'll fix just give me some time.
1755366 Nah he can't run that fast just fly and you my dear sir must be a gypsy if you can read the future. Also I thought about this story in the middle of summer so no it isn't your idea and I don't mind you accusing me just a coincidence I thought the same thing
1756587
Heh, no problems. If you need a proofreader, I'd be up for it. I mean, I think I got time
1756600 In my defense I wrote this chapter and the next few in the middle of summer so they probably won't be the best considering I don't really think when I have my summer break
I have read several stories that have truly bad grammar, and I will tell you this is not one of them. I will enjoy seeing how this unfolds.
1756604 P.S. When I do start up Fortepiano again, I'll try to work around this story line, as to not mess it up.
1757972 Okay dear good sir
1755366 ....LoZ Crossover Pony? meh...1758514 Being a different person... I want to work with you... This seems like a good story, and I can only see it going in a good direction. What's more, I think I can provide certain pieces of...'information'...If you might require them. I did not see too many spelling errors, so I assume you got around to fixing them, by the time I saw your story. If you would take me up on my offers, please send a reply. I'd be happy to help.
Your friendly 'Neigh' borhood Critic And HIE-GB Connoisseur,
ISA
or,
IkioSTAR the STARborn, (little play on words here)