Seeds of Life

by Freglz

Me

It was August when I found out about you.

Spent a whole ten minutes just staring at the thing: two lines on a tiny, little screen.

Positive.

It didn’t seem real. It didn’t feel real. How could it be? I kept waiting for something to happen — for the noise outside to dip, or the edges of my vision to blur and the world fade to nothingness. For me to snap out of whatever stupor I was in and actually focus on what was happening. Or what wasn’t happening.

I felt hollow. Frail. Cold in the chest and light in the head. Exposed and vulnerable. Isolated, lost, lonely. Everything and nothing; a numbness that made my teeth chatter and hooves weak and simply made me wish I’d never been born.

I was scared.

Of course I’d been scared before. I was scared when I saw pigs for the first time and thought they’d eat me. When I helped mend the roof and thought I’d fall. When I first used a pitchfork to sort out the straw and thought I’d stab somepony. When I got turned around in the Everfree and thought I’d never find my way home. When Ma and Pa…

…When they passed.

Even nowadays, when I go on adventures with Twilight and Co, I get scared. I’m scared I’ll get hurt, or we’ll lose… or what my family will do without me if I don’t come back. Heavens forbid, if anything I face somehow manages to threaten you…

But you weren’t around just yet. Not really. And this was a different kind of scared. This was a feeling that ate away at me from the core, like a disease. It paralysed me.

I didn’t know what to make of it or what to do, so I kept on staring, hoping something would change. But nothing did. Everything stayed exactly as it was, and the chatter outside wasn’t dying down anytime soon — it was only midday, after all, and nopony, neither stranger nor clan member, could ever refuse a meal hosted by Granny.

I can’t imagine what she’d have done if she knew.

But for the longest time, I was stuck there on the toilet. Not even thinking, just… existing. Wondering what in the world I was supposed to do next. Ma couldn’t help me, neither could Pa, and I’m not sure either would’ve wanted to if they could’ve. Not if they knew the whole truth. Because family meant a lot to them, and it means a lot to us too, but some bonds… can’t weather every storm. This storm, I think, was one of them.

I needed help, though. I needed somepony to guide me, or at least share the load with, and the only pony I could talk to was downstairs. Which meant I had to wake up and actually do something. So, I did.

Somehow, I found the mind and strength to slide off. I stumbled a bit, quite dizzy and still a little weak in the knees, almost knocking my head against the sink. That was a scary thought, I remember; if somepony busted down the door to make sure I’m okay, they’d find me unconscious and the stick on the floor. The whole family would’ve known then, and they’d be asking all sorts of questions — questions I had neither the answers for nor the nerves to face.

But after I recovered, I steadied myself against the bathroom counter, and while I was there, I spied myself in the mirror. I looked a mess. Not entirely, but… I saw something in my eyes I ain’t never seen before or since. I looked haunted. Barely alive. Pupils down to pinpricks and everything. Like I’d ran a hundred miles and found a thousand more ahead of me. Didn’t feel much better either.

But I never felt sick. That was the strange part. Not once in that whole doggone ordeal did I feel the urge to lean over either of those bowls or duck behind the homestead and hurl my guts out. In a way, I suppose that disturbed me more than the news itself, but then, I’d always been the resilient type. You kind of have to be, labouring away on a farm like this. I guess that’s why the Pies are so stoic; we work with timber, they work with rocks.

In that moment, though, seeing my reflection, I felt like jelly. I couldn’t do this. Who was I kidding? Maybe it’d be better if I just kept my mouth shut and somehow dealt with it myself. But I knew I’d grow distant and quiet if I did that, and ponies would get suspicious if I stopped talking back and avoiding them where I could. I was a horrible liar, anyway — still am — so it’d only be a matter of time before I’d slip up and have to come clean.

It wouldn’t be pleasant, not in the slightest, but if I wanted to maintain my sanity, I had to get a move on. Granny expected me out in the crowd, mingling, familiarising myself with the rest of the clan, and them with me. It was the first reunion without Ma and Pa, after all, and they wanted to know what kind of children we were raised to be. I had to smile and nod and say please and thank you, but there was no way I’d be keeping up appearances without somepony knowing the stress I was under.

So, I grit my teeth, combed my mane back a little, breathed deeply, then pulled away from the sink and headed for the door.

There was nopony in the hallway, thankfully, or they’d have seen me look left and right like I was crossing the street in Manehattan. That made sense, though, because outside was where everything was happening — food, drink, games, company… everything I didn’t really need right then and there. What I needed was seclusion, preferably with a few mugs of hard cider, even if I wasn’t old enough to have it legally at the time. Not that I was in a position to argue the legality of certain things.

What came to mind first was disposing of the evidence. I know that makes me sound criminal, but I don’t think anypony would really fault me for it either. Trying to keep something hidden from so many prying eyes would’ve been next to impossible, and I hadn’t started wearing my hats at that point. So, without wasting time, I trotted down the hallway and ducked into my room, stowing the stick under my pillows for safekeeping. Better than leaving it in the trash for somepony to find, or digging a hole in the yard.

With that sorted, I made my way downstairs. I wanted to be quick, to get there faster, but I also wanted to be careful, so I didn’t seem like I was in a rush, and so I wouldn’t trip up. And going down that staircase, I was afraid I’d do that; each hoofstep was harder and heavier than the last. I swear I was sweating a little too, even though my fur was completely dry when I moved to wipe my forehead.

Eventually, though, I made it. My nerves were rattled, and the closer I got to the exit, the more my heart pounded. I could smell freshly baked apple pies and fritters and everything else Granny had cooked wafting from the empty kitchen, and I closed my eyes for a moment to savour the scent, resting on the railing. It made me feel hungry. It wasn’t much, but a distraction was better than nothing for somepony in my situation. I don’t think anypony would’ve wanted to be, though, no way no how.

But everything has to come to an end. The door opened not long after and in walked Granny, a bit younger than you’d ever remember seeing her — no wiry hairs sticking out from her buns and such, and a few less wrinkles. She was carrying an empty platter, heading for the kitchen to restock, but stopped when she saw me.

“Something wrong, dearie?”

I blinked once or twice, then shook my head. “Nothing, Granny, just… more kin than I recall.”

She paused for a moment, then slowly nodded and lowered her gaze. “And two less…”

I didn’t need to hear that. It’d only been, what, two weeks or so? The wounds were still fresh — still hurt — and now I had Granny reminding me what we lost. And in a way, how you began.

“Go on,” she said, “find your brother. Knowing how talkative he is, I’m sure he’s doing just fine on his own out there.”

That was sarcasm. She always had that dry wit about her, and she still wasn’t too happy regarding that stunt we pulled with her and Filthy Rich and the hospital and whatnot. Couldn’t blame her then, can’t now either. All I wanted to do right then and there was get out and make sure she didn’t see how hard my tail was clamped against my rear. And I know that’s uncouth of me to say, but you have to understand, calling this whole thing an awkward situation puts it mildly.

As soon as she started off for the kitchen again, I trotted for the door and peered through the window. There were easily a hundred ponies outside, probably more — the biggest gathering to date, I swear, but that might just have been how it looked to me at the time. Definitely one of the largest reunions, that much I’m certain of.

But there wasn’t much use in gawking, so after collecting what few thoughts and nerves I could, I slunk back, put a hoof on the handle, took a deep breath in… then out… then in… then out… and pulled.

Tables and blankets stocked with all kinds of foods welcomed me, occupied by faces familiar and not, and some I’ve never seen since. They laughed, they talked, they cheered, they ate, and fillies and colts darted all over the place. I never really noticed up until that point how many children the clan could boast —twenty, thirty… heck, maybe even fifty. Too many, it seemed. Like the world were somehow playing a cruel joke on me.

It made me want to run away. Slam the door shut, dash back up the stairs, pull the blanket off my bed and hide in the corner where nopony could see me cry. If they came with questions, I’d have given no answers. And the first chance I got, I’d have pack my things and left for Celestia knew where — anywhere but here.

But that wouldn’t have solved anything. Instead of my current problems, I’d have faced new ones. And more than that, there was one constant I couldn’t simply run away from.

You.

Practically speaking, I only had one option, and that was to find the one pony I could talk to — the one pony who might’ve, might’ve understood. So, that’s what I did.

Against every fibre of my being screaming for me to do anything but, I stepped outside. And nothing changed. Nopony noticed me, no scornful glares were cast. Maybe somepony did, but were too polite to kick up a fuss about it, but for all intents and purposes, I was just another young mare in the crowd. So long as I kept my head down and face straight, I could do this. That’s what I told myself, at least. Whether I believed it was another matter entirely.

I trundled slowly onward, trying as best I could to keep my hooves steady while I cautiously scanned all around me. Anypony whose gaze I met, I forced myself to give them an anxious smile. I hoped showing them some semblance of confidence would get them thinking I was more nervous of the reunion than I was about what they might find out. It seemed like the right move to make at the time, despite myself, and for the most part, it worked.

Uncle Mosely had other ideas.

“Applejack!” he hollered from his family’s table. “Long time no see!”

Indeed it was. I hadn’t seen the Oranges since I left them for Ponyville again. I’d always meant to check in with them, see how things were going, and if I’d upset them after changing my mind so suddenly, but right then wasn’t the time. So, I pretended I hadn’t heard him.

“Applejack!” he called again, then slid out from his bench and trotted toward me and hugged me from behind. “It’s been so long, baby girl. How’ve you been?”

…Okay, I was wrong; that part made me feel a little sick. But I couldn’t pull myself out of the hug to get some breathing space, so I faked a flattered chuckle and continued glancing about. “Great, Mosely, just… just great.”

He must’ve been a bit tipsy, because nopony can hear a lie of mine and keep a straight face. He only squeezed me tighter. “That’s wonderful, sweet pea. And please, accept my apologies for not being there at the funeral.”

That was on his mind too, I guess. But saying that only made his embrace feel hollow. I was sure he meant well, and I still think so, but ain’t like anypony could’ve turned back the clock. And in that moment, I definitely would’ve, so long as it meant getting away from him. Heck, if it meant bringing back Ma and Pa…

But that’s not something you need to hear.

Not long after he said that, I caught sight of Big Mac hauling two open crates of bottled cranberry cider on his back — a gift from family down in Appleoosa who couldn’t make it. He was making rounds, offering them to anypony who wanted.

Right then, I needed him.

“Thanks, Mosely,” I said, somehow yanking myself free from his grip, “Really, thanks, but I have to do something real quick.”

“Oh, sure,” he replied, as if I hadn’t brushed him off, or it wasn’t that big a deal. “We’ll talk more later, okay?”

I didn’t give him an answer. Either I didn’t plan to or I didn’t have one — I can’t remember. All I remember doing after that was marching at a brisk pace for Mac, avoiding ponies left, right and centre, somehow worried if they’d know what I knew if they touched me. More likely they’d have wanted to strike up a conversation, and I think I heard my name tossed around a few more times, but I wasn’t having any of it. I couldn’t afford to. I was already at wits’ end.

My breathing was stuttered and my body felt naked and fragile, as if I had no fur or hair to protect me from the wind, and the smallest tap would make me shatter into a snivelling, quivering mess. At one point, it was like ants were crawling up my skin, up my spine.

Those were the longest couple dozen yards of my entire life.

But somehow, eventually, I navigated my way through the herd and came up behind him, where I could finally breathe a small, restrained sigh of relief. All I had left to do was tear him away from Mandarin Orange, who was blathering on about how business was booming on the west coast. Ponies just love citrus over there, she claimed. No useful information, just harmless boasting. Mac was taking it all in with a few good-natured nods. It was hard to tell if he was actually listening.

But he had to listen to me.

“Uh… excuse me, Ms. Mandarin?” I called, but it came out feeble and choked, so I tried again. “Ms. Mandarin, ma’am?”

They both looked at me. Even though I knew they didn’t mean it, their gaze was cold and cutting like ice to the heart, and I took a step back. For all I cared, it may as well have been the whole clan who turned their attention on me.

“Why, if it isn’t Applejack!” she declared, as if I were the hidden treasure in one of Rainbow’s Daring Do books. But then her expression changed. “Is something wrong, dear? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

In all honesty, I wish I had. That way, I could’ve told the truth and used it to distract her. “No, no, nothing you need to worry about,” I gracelessly dismissed, waving a hoof. “I just… need to borrow my brother for a minute. There’s something he needs to hear.”

She quirked an eyebrow. “What kind of something?”

I hesitated for a moment, wondering if I’d heard a suspicious undertone. Maybe she already knew, somehow. Maybe Mac had let something slip, even if he hardly talked anymore. It felt like my throat had seized up, and for that split second, I was afraid I’d never be able to speak again.

But then I glanced at him and saw nothing but innocent curiosity and a hint of concern. He wouldn’t have said anything. He didn’t know. And if he didn’t know, she couldn’t possibly either. Only I knew. For the time being, I was safe.

I switched back to Mandarin with a newfound sense of determination, but I didn’t show it. Not outwardly. “A sisterly something,” I said. If I tried to sound touchy I can’t remember. If I did, I failed.

“Oh, of course, dear, don’t mind me.” She giggled to herself. “There I go again, poking my nose in other ponies’ business. I’ll be over minding the kids if either of you need me.”

Kids. Everywhere, kids. The universe couldn’t get enough out of twisting the nail that day. I could only be glad she turned away before I did, or I’m sure her nosiness would’ve made it even harder for me to worm my way out of there. But as she walked away, blending into the crowd and noise and commotion, I looked to Big Mac.

He was already looking at me, and probably had been since I last checked. But he didn’t seem to judge, or too deeply troubled. I always liked that about him. Where I fussed and fretted, he was the voice of reason, and he’s only gotten better with age. But whether he could handle what I needed to get off my chest was yet to be seen.

Without a word, I gestured for him to follow me to the barn, and after a brief moment’s pause, he fell in line a little ways behind. Nopony saw us go, I don’t think, and if they did, I’m pretty sure they’d have thought he was just helping me with some supplies and such. Doesn’t take a wild imagination to think of any reason a brother and a sister might want some privacy for.

We strolled through the open doors, only slightly ajar, and I quietly shut the way behind us. It was dim inside, even with the hatches uncovered, and it smelled of dirt, dust, wood and fodder. Straw covered the floor, strung up in bales, hay heaped in piles in the corners and the second storey…

I stood perfectly still, peering through the dark, listening carefully, trying as much as I could to filter out the hustle and bustle beyond the walls. Nothing. But I had to be extra sure, so motioned for Mac to stay and began to prowl.

I stalked the stalls, searching for any foals who thought it’d be fun to play hide and seek while eavesdropping on other ponies’ conversations. I know I did when I was younger. Heard my fair share of embarrassing confessions, which I then blurted out to those concerned, because being honest was good, and it was fun to see what happened next.

But what I had to share was more than a crush, or whichever side of the aisle somepony leaned, and it couldn’t be allowed under any circumstance to be heard by such young ears.

With the ground level cleared, I climbed the ladder and checked the piles of hay and extra equipment up there. Still nothing. And with that, my nerves were at least somewhat settled. I was still jittery, of course, but I felt a little more free to do so — to shake and shiver — and not have anypony ask me about it. Except for the one pony who needed to know why.

I returned to the floor, where Mac was already strolling for the centre of the barn and the few bales resting there. The soft chime of glass bottles and hooves on packed earth and pebbles were the only sound coming from inside. If the reunion hadn’t been going on, I’m sure I’d have heard my heartbeat as well. It was that quiet, where we were, and the air felt thick and heavy, but dry. Uninviting. Unpleasant.

But I’d come too far to turn back. Macintosh was waiting for me. And if I left, the only option was to face the throng outside, where I’d have surely broken down.

So, letting myself tremble on whichever step I needed to, I slowly made my way toward him. My head was slumped, my pace reluctant, my ears pinned back and tail clamped, and after my plodding walk of shame was over, I hopped up and sat on the bale opposite his. And he was kind enough, as always, to give me whatever time I needed. And how I needed it.

I must’ve sat there for… I don’t know how long. Just staring at my hooves. Building what little courage I could. Toying with my mane and biting my lip. Gently rocking back and forth. I was wasting time, I knew, because if someone came in wondering where we were, I’d have missed my chance, possibly for the whole event. And if I was fit to burst then, who knows what would’ve happened in even an hour’s time?

I had to do it. I had to tell him.

So, I did.

I looked him in the eyes. I breathed deeply.

And then I told him.

I was pregnant.

Comments

[Marcellus Jones]

“Go on,” she said, “find your brother. Knowing how talkative he is, I’m sure he’s doing just fine on his own out there.”

This line was hilarious.

“A big, dumb… fun mistake.” She broke into a small, mischievous, melancholy smirk, taking a guilty pleasure in savouring the memory. It was a cute look on her. But then the look faded to something less playful and she popped the top off and had a drink. “And look where it’s gotten us.”

Aw, hell, why'd you have to go and do the Southern ponies like that?

[The Mystery Fluttershy Fan]

I've recorded reading this first chapter for the audiobook version to come soon. It was brilliantly written and that helps a lot to make the process of reading it aloud smooth and easy, with a lot fewer then usual bad takes I have to edit out.

I just noticed however, a plot hole.

How can Rainbow Dash be reading Daring Do at this time? This is from a time before Applejack is even born, Rainbow Dash doesn't read novels yet.

[The Mystery Fluttershy Fan]