the rainbow life

by Agile Swift

alpha powers

third chapter enjoy(alphas reference)

the next day i went outside and breathed in the fresh air.I walked to the driveway and looked at the sky. wondering what could be up there,i saw people with their mouths open.Then suddenly my ears started ringing, i stumbled around finally tripping over a rock and blacking out.i woke up on my bed, just lying there trying to hear the out side. instead i heard rainbow dash shooting a gun? i got outside and rainbow dash was holding a gun shooting nails. "um rainbow what are you doing?" i asked "um nothing!" she said while hiding the hand gun behind her back. i started to stare at her chest very concintrated like a trance. "give me the gun!" i told her with a sigh.

RainbowDash's POV

i got up early flying around the neighborhood looking for something to do. i went home, flying to the driveway when i saw chanse on the drive way bleeding. i brought him inside laying him on his bed. i walked around the house looking for something to, do then i found this black machine with a trigger. Chanse told me about it, it was a gun? yeah a gun, i went outside and got some targets and nails. i shot a target, another and another. then i focused on a nail really close i shot the gun and the nail was bent. then i shot three more. "um rainbow what are you doing?" he asked. "um, nothing!" I replied. he then started looking at my chest like he was in a trance."Give me the gun!" he told me with a sigh. "how did he do that!" i thought.

Comments

[Wumz]

Erm, My Little Dashie rip off?

[Posh]

It's My Little Dashie, but written by an eight year old.

I don't even like My Little Dashie, but this is... phenomenally flawed. Look, nice try, but you have no concept of grammar or storytelling whatsoever, and it's pretty obvious that you just wrote this as self-insertion wish fulfillment. That isn't going to fly with people, I'm afraid.

Recommend you take some time to learn before you take another crack at writing.

[Snapple Jack]

Oh look. Another My Little Dashie rip off. I've seen so many of these that I'm past the point of caring anymore.

[Darkjolly]

i3.ytimg.com/vi/BydYgfCmekQ/hqdefault.jpg

[BrendanandJohn]

Oh good lord, this is... this is pretty bad...

Just a few logical flaws I found;

1. No matter how badly Rainbow Dash wanted to, she could never, in a million years, learn to play a human guitar.

2. What research does the main character do to find out when her birthday is? Because whatever he did, asking her,due to the fact that she can obviously talk, would have been a lot easier.

3. A gun? A hand gun? A nail gun? What?

[Luz]

halforums.com/xenforo/attachments/c8a-gif.4305/

Rip off...e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/trollface.png

[Superdog]

A gun? ...
neoblogismus.de/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/wtf-is-this-shit-piccard.jpg

[Blela]

This made me cry. Please stop writing. If you really are eight, you can't be even considered a brony because the show is designed for people your age. Also, get of the internet. It isn't safe for children like you. Once you grow a mustache, you can join us.

[Trot C. Foxy]

lol im not gona criticize this as its pretty much been done quite affectively already...>.>.....but wow these comments never cease to keep me from laughing, appropriately or not.....

[Crisslunarflame]

oh... oh my... If you really are eight years old, you shouldn't be on the internet like this... But, then again, if you are eight, this is probably better than what I could have written at that age
But, seriously. You should stay off the internet; it has bad things that will scar your young mind.

As for waiting until you grow yourself a mustache, I second the notion.

[Parcly Taxel]

Congratulations. You are entitled to the Derpy Award for unintentional stupidity.

[BronyGirl]

1061358
Just because someone is only eight years old doesn't mean they:
a) shouldn't be on the Internet, and:
b) can't be a brony.
People of all ages can be bronies, and it's kind of rude to say:
"If you really are eight, you can't be even considered a brony because the show is designed for people your age. Also, get of the internet. It isn't safe for children like you. Once you grow a mustache, you can join us. "
(Plus, most girls can't grow mustaches...just saying.)
Also, I'm ten years old and a huge brony. I've written (not published) a lot of fanfiction. So please don't insult bronies that just happen to be younger. It's hating. ''''

[Blela]

1066742
Listen, I'm a girl too. Honestly, I was kidding. If you're ten? That's great! I'm glad you like the show! If he's eight? That's great too!
I wasn't trying to be hurtful, so I am truly sorry if I'm coming across that way. When I posted that, I was half asleep and very pissed off that there was yet another rip-off of My Little Dashie.
Once again, I apologize, and offer my hugs.

But still, children his age shouldn't be on this part of the internet. He could get lost. ()

[BronyGirl]

1066936
I'm sorry too. I kinda have a problem with ranting at people when I'm mad.
And I agree that:
a) there are a lot of not-so-good rip-offs of good fanfics , and:
b) Getting lost on the internet (and Fimfiction too) is a danger to people of all ages. (And a lot worse than getting lost in a lot of other places.)
Have a Scootaloo as apologies:

[Blela]

1068106
D'awwwwww
Scootaloo is best chicken

And hey, don't we all get a little rant-ey sometimes?

[BronyGirl]

1069375
Scootaloo appreciates the compliment:

And yep.

[Agile Swift]

thanks for the critisism guys will do more and make a better fic. i hope

[Agile Swift]

welp made the first chapter of my new unpublished Hie fic. hope you like it when it's published. its ok if not

[Blela]

1069403

I mean, err.... sorry for spamming

[Agile Swift]

apoligy excepted i'm a forgiving guy so be happy

[CanterlotGuardian]

how does Dash know how to use a gun? before she came into this world, she'd probably never seen one before, as I don't think Equestria has fire-arms...

[Agile Swift]

1060114 dude this was my very first fic online and i was testin my writing skills on this sight cause no one views my storys on fanfiction so pleas i wanted constructive crirtisism not just hate