Celestia is a well adjusted adult with perfect memory
Celestia’s eyes shot open.
Oh fuck, I left her on the moon!
The grogginess of not enough sleep and the mother of all hangovers coalesced in her mind. Yet as this realization dawned on her it painfully seized centre stage.
Oh fuck, oh shit, Luna is going to fucking kill me. How the hell am I going to explain that I forgot her up there for…Gods…how long has it been?
Celestia rubbed her forehead.
Shit, how was she this hungover? What had she even been doing last night?
The snore of a royal guard pierced the darkened silence of her bedchamber.
Oh right, she’d been doing that…and probably also the other royal guard pressed against her side. Sirius and Vega if she wasn’t mistaken. A nice husband and wife who were very reliable chamber guards.
Ok, first off, let’s figure out how long you’ve left her up there for?
She winced, feeling the dryness of her mouth and a lingering sickness tickling the back of her throat.
Actually, scratch that. First things first, water. You need water.
She reached over and grabbed a glass from her bedside table, taking a generous sip.
Anddddd that was left over whiskey…with a ground-up blunt in it.
Celestia smacked her lips.
Another graceful morning for the most perfect and graceful pony in all of Equestria.
She jingled the glass back and forth, and downed the rest in one potent pull.
Ok, now we need some light. You aren’t figuring anything out in the dark.
Her horn glowed and suddenly the room was illuminated as the sun filled the sky in an instant.
Hopefully, it wasn’t too early.
She looked at the clock on her wall.
Oh nah, she was fine. It was like one in the afternoon, the sun was normally supposed to be up by now anyways.
One of her bedmates stirred, letting out a hungover groan. “What time is it?”
“One in the afternoon, sweetie,” Celestia said before forcing a shaky grin. “But hey, just a quick question.”
“What is it, Celly?”
“What year is it?”
Her bedmate opened her eyes, looking confused as all hell. “Uh 986, why?”
Godsdamnit, 986 years since what? Stupid mortals and their stupid way of telling time by centring it around “major events.” How were the hardworking immortals of the world supposed to keep up with the fall of every government or birth of every messiah? It was impossible!
“Uh, no reason, just a little game. Now it’s been 986 years since what?”
Her bedmate blinked. “What?”
“Just a simple question, hun.”
“Since Luna was corrupted by Nightmare Moon and you were forced to banish her to save Equestria?”
Celestia inhaled sharply.
Oh dear gods, you left her up there for nearly a 1000 years. Oh fuck, oh shit, oh fuck shit, she is going to be fucking furious. Like a hundred years is a joke, har har har. Maybe even two hundred. But a thousand? Oh, gods, this was bad.
She chuckled nervously. “Thank you very much, Vega.”
“You’re welcome. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“Would you mind collecting your husband and giving me a little privacy. I need to get my affairs in order.”
Vega nodded and poked Sirius. “Wake up babe, it’s time for our walk of shame.”
He grumbled something under his breath but was eventually roused after enough prodding. At which point the two of them shuffled towards the door, collecting their armour as they left.
They cast the princess a final cheerful smile, which she returned, before slipping out, most likely to ribbing of their comrades.
Celestia couldn’t lament on them however, she had bigger fish to fry.
Alright, so you’ll just bring her back and smooth things over? I mean she can’t be that mad, right? It was just a fun little game, a harmless prank. R-right?
Celestia sighed.
I am so fucking dead.
Look, Celly, just bring her back. If she murders you…
She suddenly stopped. Wait…what had Vega said? Something about Nightmare Moon? Who was…
OH FUCK!
Society had noticed Luna missing and those stupid mortals have invented a whole folklore about why it happened. How the hell was she going to explain to them why Luna was suddenly back?
Great, just fucking great. Now, she not only needed to bring Luna back, and smooth things over, but she also had to create a whole mythos and bullshit to stop these stupid mortals from losing their little mortal minds at seeing her again.
She sighed loudly.
Ok, maybe you can centre it around her going rogue and needing a millennium to purify her spirit?
She shook her head.
Nah, not theatrical enough. Maybe, Luna needed to be locked away to buy me enough time to train an apprentice who can deal with her?
That…no that’s fucking stupid. Why couldn’t I just deal with her myself?
How about, I conveniently forgot about the legend, because come on I totally did just forget about her for 900 years, and my apprentice discovers it and has to deal with her?
No, no way, no one’s going to believe that you’re that dumb.
How about…ok, this is the winner. How about, I totally knew about it but pretended to forget as a means of testing my apprentice. This could be my first step into molding her into a princess or something down the road.
Celestia shook her head.
Fuck it, that’s the best I’m willing to come up with right now.
She scanned her suite, looking amongst her rubbish for a quill to write Luna with.
First, beg for forgiveness. Second, get her onboard with the plan. Third, find an apprentice and train them from foalhood.
…
Wait that was going to take years.
Celestia threw back her head and groaned. “Fuckkkkk.”
986 Years Earlier
Luna downed her 3rd stein of ale and let out a hearty belch. “Hey, sister?”
“What…what is it?” Celestia slurred, clearly doing a poor job of keeping pace.
“I…” Luna waved her hoof to the sky. “I bet you can’t teleport me to the moon.”
Celestia laughed. “Tis foal’s play, dear sister.”
“How much shall we wager?”
“How about sole jurisdiction over the Duchy of Luxembark?”
“It has nothing to offer but illiterate Diamond Dogs and convenient access to Prance.”
Celestia shrugged. “I think it would make a fine place to store the royal cake reserves.”
“Don’t you already store them here?”
Celestia slapped her bloated belly. “Yes, but they might seem far less tempting if several hundred kilometres away.”
“An excellent suggestion.”
“So, tis a deal?”
Luna nodded. “A deal.”
Celestia hoofed over her stein. “Then hold my beer.”
Luna grabbed it, clutching it tightly to her chest.
With her beverage securely in Luna’s hooves, Celestia closed her eyes and focused all her attention into her magic. Her connection to harmony was drawn upon and focused into a pinpoint of raw magical vigour. She scanned the surface of the moon, selecting a nice little crater in the southern hemisphere, before envisioning Luna there, and releasing her spell.
When Celestia opened her eyes, Luna was absent. Though, so was her…
“Shit! She was holding my beer!”
Celestia groaned and shook her head. She just needed to remember to bring it back in the morning with Luna.
She looked around, searching for a quill.
Should she leave herself a reminder?
…
Phh, nah.
There was no way she’d forget something so important.
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Wait? What!
oh god i love stories where celestia and luna are loons
What the fuck did I just read? And why am I smiling?
That wraps everything up rather neatly.
Better plot than the anime, suprisingly.
Don't forget your necklace on the way out
Also, they gooshed the Princess. Or is that a punishment in their Diarchy?
Liked, faved, eagerly reading more. Right from the first lines. Good job.
Ah yes, classic deity problems right here, misplaced siblings and all that.
9719149
Look sometimes you just wake up a little hungover, push things back, and forget about them for 1000 years. We've all been there.
Decided to read this on a whim. Congratulations I don’t think anyone hasn’t ever managed to get me to laugh in the first two sentences.
9751449
This has got to be one of the best pieces of praise i've ever gotten. Thank you.
Oh my Gods... Celestia is a f*cking moron...
This is so random but so hilarious at how horrible Celestia is with her bad memory and decisions along with her reactions to them.
This is the hardest I have laughed reading a story on this site. I just finished the 5th sentence. Excellent job.