Hey, my name is Trever, Trever Cleburn. I'm a fan of a little known show called My Little Pony. I know it's cliche, but I've always wondered how I could get into Equestria, ya know, if it is real. I've come up with a method that's so stupid it just might not work, but whatever. I'll probably just hurt myself... or die... eh, it's worth a shot.
Special thanks to everybody who commented and tried to help me improve. I'll do my best to make this better than the last garbage I made. Please tell me everything wrong with it because I'm certain I'll make oodles of mistakes~
Chapters (1)
Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope.
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Nope. In fairness, the writing wasn't too bad, but... Nope.
1048404 well at least you gave it a try.
1048642 thanks. its supposed to leave you confused and wanting chapter 2 for more info on what may have happened. the grammar... well i have no excuse for that, i actually just re-read it and i see what you mean.
1048642
'Why is everpony disliking this?'
'The grammar could be better'
'The plot could be more developed'
You've answered your own question. HiE is already an incredibly oversaturated genre, so stories with even the tiniest flaws are usually shot down quickly. And this one's flaws are obviously a bit more than tiny.
Nothing about this made me want to read more. Billy's description of himself is not at all interesting: A brony who spends his time on the internet. Not even a sob story to hate him for. He's simply a bland character with a first and last name, who explains quite obviously your own thoughts on how most Human in Equestria proceed, in an uncreative, straightforward way.
Nothing about his personality is memorable because the whole chapter is spent describing the six ponies everyone on this site should know already, and he inexplicably can't remember any of their names. As a result of some yet-to-be-explained force, perhaps?
I don't care enough to wait for an answer.
You make the bare minimum of 1,000 words (by 9 words, no less) and expect people to want to know more? I don't understand the hook because in my mind's eye, in order to overcome the boredom I felt while reading this I just imagined a stick figure pressing his head against the screen of a television that was placed in the middle of a windowless room comprised of four white walls, a white ceiling and a white floor. There's a doggy door in one of the walls to allow food and water to go in and out of the room by care of unknown means and a single, solitary light-bulb hanging off the ceiling. Did you see what just happened? I've just created a more tangible world in one paragraph than what you wrote out of eight in this chapter.
I'm not even going to "suggest" but declare it mandatory that you re-write the first chapter. But before you go about this, ask in the FIMchat for help in writing this story or join any of the numerous groups on the site to ask for advice/help/mentoring and then after coming up with a solid overall idea for this story, with an interesting-enough main character (I'm not asking you to fully flesh-out his background and personality with all of his likes, dislikes, family tree and complete life story, but develop something worth relating to beyond "Liking MLP: FIM" and "knowing how to internet"), re-do this chapter (Hopefully written with more substance rather than just word-count) before moving on to the second and then third, etc. I took a moment to glance at your list of favorites and you obviously have read a relatively decent number of fics, spread out in genre and maturity...which just boggles my mind how you only managed to write 1,009 words of nothing happening.
Also, don't just acknowledge your mistakes when they're pointed out, FIX THEM. Nothing's more distracting than egregious writing mistakes, especially when it comes to your synopsis. It's sloppy writing if you don't proofread before you post, or go out of your way to get a proofreader to help you when you know you're not the strongest writer by any means. You're just making a terrible first impression with the readers by being so careless and it's obvious you know better from your response in 1048667.
I wish you good luck if you really want to continue to write pony fiction and get better as a writer in general.
1048904 i might have a bit of explaining to do... about the character being under- developed, it sorta was planed out that way. as you read the story you learn more about the character and his traits along the way. maybe if i do re-write the chapter ill do something with his room but his character shapes along with the story. the "hook" i was looking for was just for curiosity. the fact "Billy" doesn't remember their names but is a big fan might make you wonder, or how he just blacked out with no warning. yea i agree if your familiar with the site you shouldn't need a description but the character is going through this and describing what he sees sense he cant just say "i saw flutter shy then rarity and then twilight!". and about the grammar thing... well if its really that bad ill get a friend of mine to look through and see what needs to be fixed (im sure there are tons of errors in this message too).
I thank you greatly for your feedback and for reading my fan fiction. I am also sorry it wasn't good in your eyes but its my first and i can improve.
The sentences are a little choppy in places, and it should be a bit more colorful in word choice, but the spelling and puntuation errors are pretty small. I'm not a big fan of HiE stories, but if you can fix those things (and heed Typewriterpony's advice, it is GOLD), then this story could go somewhere. So I'm going to follow this and see what happens.
Congratulations, 1048959, you receive the Derpy Award for unintentional stupidity. I know you put in effort.
1048959 Here's the thing. You're new on this site. We're not. All of the bad, cliche HiE stories have the human character suddenly black out and wake up in Equestria. Your hook doesn't make us want to read more, it makes us want to stop reading, downvote, and leave.
1049715 No, im not new. it might say that i have had an account for a few weeks but i actually just barely made one to post this story. i know thats how it normely goes, and plus the chapter is still under works. its not a finished version. actually i think i might just unpublish just too finish.
Thanks to your advice, I have had a good friend of mine edit and revise chapter 1 and he will do so for all my other chapters afterward. I also gave a description of what the character looks like as well. I hope its a lot better than it was before and that it seems pleasing to you!
1048904
1060223 Despite some of the grammar being fixed up, it doesn't completely stop the fact that it's cliche. Flesh out the story for the future and that will probably help get some upvotes.
1060377 Believe me, I know it sounds cliche but don't worry. I have plans for this fic and i know it wont be predictable or "cliche" in chapter 2.
1060223>>1060377>>1060390
My problem with the story, or any story for that matter, has never been about whether it's "cliché" or not. Clichés have their roles and uses. My problem and why I still don't care to read further than chap 1 since my last comment is simply because this story isn't interesting to me. You still need to develop your writing style, and that's not your fault. Just keep writing, keep practicing, keep reading--both fanfiction and other types of fiction--go about your regular, everyday life and meet new people and experience new things, and you'll become a better and better writer as you accumulate more experience. It's going to sound harsh but your good friend did a pretty terrible job in editing this, as it's still messy and full of errors and looks no different than your original version--with the sole exception of there being an extra paragraph that reveals Billy (or "Billy" as you addressed him as in 1048959) is now a human-turned-other character.
BTW what 1049715 meant by you being new is that you're new to writing, not simply having an account on the site. Unless you've written before, then I mean writing pony fiction.
Anyways, the lesson you should glean from this comment is that you should just keep writing and learn as much as you can from your English classes/online guides/experienced writers who take the time to give you advice. Experience is what you need, not people's sympathy. While you should appreciate and be grateful for all the help you get, don't think you're entitled to it, because it's your story in the end, not theirs.
1061116 img703.imageshack.us/img703/2508/64189950.gif good job in explaining sir.
1061116 I will surely take what you said in advice. It's just when all these different people kept saying how terrible the story was I sorta felt hurt because I put a lot into this story. I may not need to say this but writing is my least favorite subject and I decided to do something within that subject that was just for fun and people hated it and I wasn't sure why until I read your comment. Thank you. You don't have to read it, but im hoping people like chapter two a lot more than what chapter one was judged for. Thanks again, and I hope to see you on my other fics if I decide to make more.