Cast Away

by JustAnOrdinaryPony

June 23, 2068

I opened my eyes to the darkness of the home I was occupying. Before even thinking of getting up, I took a deep breath to fill my lungs, and let it out. That made me more drowsy, but Salatsin's meeting on "How to conquer America" was coming up. I wouldn't want to miss that.

Let me introduce myself. I am Logan Jacobson. I am 15 years old, and I am a warrior for myself. In other words, I'm a lone wolf. before 2066 came, I was that person no one would think as a gun master. I was the school nerd. I always got straight A's. But when it was declared that Japan started war against England, England pulled Afganistan in. Big mistake. Afgan started stealing blue prints for Japan's mass destruction weapons. They made them, destroyed the East side of the world, Mexico, and South America. What was left was North America.

I started stealing things from my local stores, being wanted by most managers, stuff like that. I stole a 9x19 mm Walther P99, a rifle, and some ammo. It's all I needed to protect myself from the Afgan.

Back to me. I slowly stretched my arms and legs to get the feeling back in them. I slid out of bed and onto my feet. I rub my eyes and put on my glasses. I put my handgun in my back pocket, and my rifle in my own hand. I looked out the window next to me for enemies (Lets just say I'm in enemy lines). I saw one guarding the entrance to the meeting. "You HAVE to be there", says the poster for the meeting. Oh, I forgot to tell you. The Afgans took the Mexican's and the South American's hostage, making them go to this meeting.

I slowly opened the window, the guard not noticing me, I aimed at his head and I shot him. In between his eyes. The wet grass from the rain last night started changing into red, from the man's blood. It started pooling around his body. I climbed out the window and grabbed the guys collar. I opened one of his eye lids to see his pupil. I didn't.

"Dead" I whispered to myself. I let him lay there. I started thinking to myself about a place to take a shot at Salatsin. I looked at the sky. The sun was shinning like the days I was a kid, with no worries, just running around with friends playing video games, wanting to go to Orlando, Florida. I wish those day's would come back. I never wanted life to turn out like a battlefield. I tried to remember to one day when I was 10, in 2063, I had a very good friend. I would play basketball with him, he would always beat me. Then we went to his backyard and played like we were in the distant future, with lazer gun. Those days I would never forget.

But I had to get back to my job. To save America from certain defeat. walked over to the left side of the stadium of which Salatsin would be speaking. There was a hill about a 100 feet from my position, and I decided to go and shot from there. But then I found out guards were all around the stadium.

"This is going to be harder than I thought," I said. I thought to myself, how can I take these guys down? Then I got the idea. I had to kill them when there weight is more on the downhill side, not the stadium side. It would take patience, but It would all lead up to Afgan's fall.

But it turned out very easy. The guards were mediocre. All they happened to do was walk around in circles, and I'm pretty sure two guards were flirting...

I shot them all quickly, which led to my clip being empty. I reloaded and, in a fast crouching run, ran out to the best spot I could see the stage. Then I started hearing the Afgan's talk. I didn't under stand them, but it looked like the Mexican's and the South American's did. Soon, after one of the people on the stage stopped talking, everyone clapped. I figured Salatsin would come out. He didn't. It looked like they recruited some people.

Then they introduced the Lieutenants, Generals, Soldiers, Craft Carriers. And this took about an hour, because they (I was pretty sure) were naming all of them. I got the urge to fall asleep, but that would just lead in death.

Then finally, i noticed one word. "Salatsin!" Everyone in the stadium cheered as Captain Salatsin stepped out from behind the curtain.

"Hello, and Goodbye Salatsi-" Is all I could say before I felt something starting pulling me back.

"What The Fuck?" I said as I looked behind myself. The last thing I would guess to see today, and a swirling portal, leading some place, keeping me from killing Salatsin. Soon after countless times off trying to take a steady shot of him, the portal got stronger. Stronger and stronger until it got to strong for me. I dropped my rifle in order to dig my hands and feet to stop myself.

But my strength soon went away as I was dragged into the portal. My legs started floating, and only my hands could help me, but then my fingers slipped through the rough ground, dirt went up, then down as I started going in the swirl.

I couldn't help but to relax, the portal was silent. No cheering, no worries... Except the fact that America is doomed...

I looked around. I felt like an ant, because the portal was that big around me. I felt a wet sensation.. Like swimming.

"Maybe..." I said. I reached out slowly to feel the swirl of the portal. It was wet, yes, but gave me a shock. I felt like screaming, but I didn't. I grabbed my handgun. Good. I didn't want to go someplace I didn't want to be with out something to defend myself with. My hand, now red, felt like it molded around the gun. They feel like home now.

Seconds later, I felt a different atmosphere. I looked behind myself in horror. I was going to be falling from the clouds. I soon fell out of the portal, it was now disappearing. I didn't want to but I yelled. "OHHHHHH SHIT!"

Do you know what it feels like to go down on a ride, that weird feeling in your stomach likes its about to explode? That's exactly how I felt. I looked down. I was going to fall into a forest.

"This is going to hurt!" I yelled. I fell through the trees, which gave me numerous cuts, and (Thank the Lord) I fell into a lake. My back felt extreme pain as I stupidly tried to scream in the water I hit the bottom of the lake softly. I didn't want to swim up. But I felt something pull me up. I could sense what it was, but my guess was a human.

He/She/It soon swam me to the top. "WHAT THE HAY?!?!" It screamed. He/She/It sounded female. But She dropped me back in the water. I climbed back out angry. "You seriously save me To-" I stop dead in my tracks to see a fucking. pegasus. It was blue, and had rainbow colored hair.

"I.. Uh.. Am going to leave now.." I said. I tried to run but the thing got me first. "UGH! LET ME GO!"

"No way! Twilight did some spell and she knew it was you she brought. Your coming to Ponyville!"

I didn't understand anything she said, but I just said, "You suck."

* * * * * * * *
Soon enough, after getting odd stares, I found that the pegasus carrying me was named Rainbow Dash. The bottom half off my body was dragging against the ground as we came up to a home inside of a tree. I guessed this was Rainbow Dash's home, so I yelled, "REBELLION!" and kicked the door. It cracked a little.

"Seriously? This isn't even my house!" Rainbow screamed. Opps. "Ugh.." she moaned. "Twilight!" Rainbow yelled. "The thing you summoned is here!" The door opened to five others. Two of which were horses, one pegasus, and two unicorns, and one was staring at me.

"Good" said the purple unicorn. "As you can see, I summoned you from your world."
"Yep" I said, annoyed.
"And I see by your appearance, your a human!"
"Amazing!"
Twilight sighed. She was probably as annoyed as I am. "Well Let us introduce ourselves. I am Twilight Sparkle."
Then the next one who spoke was a white horse. Her hair was everywhere... It was weird. Believe me.
"I am Rarity! I am an expert at designing!" Rarity seemed very enthusiastic about this.
Then so on and so on until I heard all of there names. They were very... creative. Pinkie Pie. VERY creative.
"So whats your name?" asked Twilight. After getting some creepy smiles from all of them except Rainbow, I answered.

"Logan..." After I said that, I heard Rainbow snigger at my name. So I elbowed her in the chest.

"Hey! What was that for?" She asked, couching. "Laughing at my name. You have no idea about how much millions of people would laugh at your name right now." I said.

After that Rainbow was completely silent. I sighed. "Sorry. I have a little bit of a problem back were I live, and you horses-"
"Ponies!" Applejack corrected. "We're Ponies!"

I went back to correct my sentence. "and your ponies have kinda kept me away from it."

"What was it that we took you away from? Because we really didn't mean to... we're sorry... What did we take you away from? Your family? Your friends? Your-"

I cut off Fluttershy. I felt kinda crappy for it, but it had to be done. "World, for one. For two, I was just about to assassinate someone very vital in my mission"

After that they all looked at me like I were crazy. "What? Afgan has gotten too much power! I need to stop them from destroying my world! Its how things go!"

Twilight soon spoke up, but in a very scared voice. "Are.. Are you an assassin?"

"Kinda" I said nodding. I got dropped to the floor by Rainbow Dash, who's jaw dropped down. I sighed and said, "I'm not here to kill." Fluttershy let out the biggest sigh in the world, like she was holding it since I got here.

"The world is in World War III, you can say. Afganistan has risen up from the bottom and started destroying every continent in its path. I trained myself to become an assassin to kill every last person who tried to destroy America."

"Okay..." Twilight added, obviously wanting more information. Being the only pony to speak, (the others were still looking at me with weird faces) she said, "What would you use to..." her eyelid twitched. "k..kill with?"

"Yeah, my rifle is still over there and-" That's when I remembered. I had my handgun.

I grabbed my gun and showed it to her. "This is my Walther P99. It's not very long range, but its efficient." I looked around. "Can I use something for a target?" I could tell Twilight was getting a little worried. "Ummm... M..Maybe my desk?"

With the magic from her horn, she set the desk up so the desk part was facing me. "Is that fine?"

"Yes." I answered. "I would cover your ears if I were any of you." I didn't want get innocent ponies ears busted. As much as I want to bust open Dash.

"Why?" said Rarity. I can tell she wasn't trying to get on my nerves. "Because its loud" I said. Finally, I shot. Like I said, the gun was loud. Fluttershy made this odd noise that would make anyone say, "Thats So Cute!" What was really funny, Rainbow Dash thought she tough. She didn't cover her ears.

"WOAH!" Screamed Rainbow. "THAT'S LOUD!" like I said...

*************
After I shot my P99, Twilight just asked me some questions about basic life at my dimension. She was soon able enough to sit by me without shaking her whole body...

But soon enough, they all left, (Not Twilight, This is her home) and Rarity.. had a weird walk out the door. do ya think she.. Nah! what pony loves a human? It wouldn't work out!

"Its getting pretty dark. We should go to bed, maybe?"
"Sure" I said. Twilight led me upstairs to a slightly small room, with a big bed, (for Twilight) a bookshelf, (Theres About a thousand downstairs) and a bed built for a bird and its family.

I just stared down at it. "Am I going to sleep in this?"

Twilight just laughed. "No, of course not! There's a small bed over there!" I looked at were she was pointing. She was right. But the thing I really hated, was the covers. Princess Celestia! I could say anything.

Soon Twilight found out. "Oh, the covers. Sorry." she said.

I managed to do two things at the same time. Fit in the bed, and make myself look like an idiot.

"Good night" Twilight said.
"Night" I responded.

Comments

[50orSoHydrogenBombs]

*reads description*
Wha... Wha... Wha...
Afghanistan conquering everything except North America? Wat? Your talking about one of the poorest economies in world here, they'd have no chance of even raising an actual army without help!
Meh, Ill read it and make an actual comment later.

Edit: I demand moar backstory!

Edit 2:
Ill track it for now, it was better than I expected.
Some minor spelling/grammar mistakes here and there, but nothing major. Make sure you use more spaces, though, so it doesn't look like a big jumble of words.
Your main problem is the character. First off. next to no backstory, Just 'I'm a nerdy 15-year old turned lone wolf assassin. BASK IN MAH GLORY!'
Not to mention you pulled the good old fashioned meet-the-entire-mane-6-in-less-than-five-minutes trick.
Another problem is that we more world backstory as well. All we have is Japan declares war on England and Afghanistan conquers the world. MOAR BACKSTORY... Why did Japan declare war on England? I'm really curious about this.
I can see you trying to pull an In Medias Res here... but it just doesn't work. We need something other than a five-sentence character outline and a desc that says a war is ongoing but offers no details besides.
But like I said, it was a lot better than I expected. Not great, but still alright, Take a like for the 3 dislikes and no comments.

[Evil Homer]

Yeah, you've got a lot of problems here with this.

First of all Japan declaring war on England? Uhmmm backstory? If the 3rd largest economy in the world with no actual military (they have a self-defence force and something written into their constitution about this) decides to attack anybody it would be North Korea, not England. Then for some even more asinine reason they bring in Afghanistan as an ally. Why anybody would bring in Afghanistan as an ally makes no sense. They're one of the poorest countries around then suddenly manage to take over most of the world with only the Mighty America remaining? They managed to somehow defeat some of the toughest armies in the world and have managed to take over parts of the US now?

Then this 15 year old "gun master", somewhere behind enemy lines in the US seems to be fighting a one boy resistance war against the Afghans and being so good at his job he's able to kill with impunity, shoot people without anybody hearing the shot yet after shooting a man between the eyes needs to check to see if he's actually dead. Last time I checked, you don't walk away from a rifle bullet between the eyes.

Then at the moment where he's going to kill the enemy leader, thus winning the war for America (tm) and totally ignoring the fact that killing the leader will only result in somebody new taking his place, he's whisked away by a wild plot contrivance and winds up falling into Equestria.

Somehow he manages to not only fall from cloud level and hit some trees on the way down but manage to fall into a lake. I'm guessing these are either magical trees or is it magical lake? And the clouds must be really low or else hitting the lake would have been like hitting concrete and his bones would be shattered.

Oh, it's Twilight that brought him here to this world. Again, no explanation, just bring him. Don't worry about where he's going to wind up or that the portal opens hundreds of feet in the air, no just open a portal and hope what whatever comes out survives the fall.

We get some exposition, no explanation of why he's here, an obvious note that some ponies find him attractive and Twilight Sparkle lets him stay the night.

i can't even critique this, the whole story is just full of fail. If the structure or spelling were any worse I'd immediately call troll, but this seems legit for the time being.

Please scrap this and try again.

>Evil Homer - TWE's Tactical Tactless Nuke

[Evil Homer]

1375081

Actually the war started in 2066 and it's now 2068.
So technically, the age is correct.

[Evil Homer]

1375120
That's okay, with all the other issues this story has it's easy to make the mistake that there are more.

[Scribblestick]

Time for my two bits, I guess.

The info dump about your character was a little dull. My immediate suggestion is to not label it as an info dump ("Allow me to introduce myself"), followed by the suggestion that you work this more smoothly into the narrative.

The whole WWIII thing seemed like just a plot device to explain your character's skill set. You didn't spend enough time with it for it to have a real impact, and as far as I can tell, it's not going to come back in the foreseeable future, unless Twi starts playing with portals again. On that note, why was she playing with portals in the first place?

Also, do you know how many Mexicans and South Americans there are? We're talking about a third of North America and an entire continent. Do you know what a nightmare it would be to keep them all in line? I'm just saying, if you're only talking about a small percentage that survived, and your probably are, say that it's just a small percentage that survived, rather than saying "ALL the people."

Overall, I find the idea intriguing, but it needs a lot of work. Good luck!

[Armalite]

I love how you can defend yourself from the Afgan army with a pistol and a rifle. Nice job, you should be in the fucking military, hell, you should be the General, or maybe the president! You bring shame to us fifteen year olds. Either troll fic, or you've been playing too much Call Of Duty. Try again, and read up on, any, current event paper from the last ten years.

[Inspectah Dash]

I'm going to name the historically and factual inaccuracies in this story. Don't hold your breath. There are a lot of em.

1) "Salatsin's meeting on "How to conquer America" was coming up."-- You wouldn't have a public hearing on how to take over your enemy. That's a nice way to let the enemy know what they need to improve on. Why would Salatsin feed information to America?

2) "But when it was declared that Japan started war against England,..."-- Japan starting a war with England is extremely unlikely. In fact, Japan starting a war with any country is unlikely.

3) "...England pulled Afganistan in."-- England bringing a poor, devastated, deprived country into a war and letting them get their hands on nukes is so unlikely, it's not even funny.

4) "They made them, destroyed the East side of the world, Mexico, and South America."-- Where do I start? For one, to destroy the entire East side of the globe, Afghanistan would need a massive number of nuclear weapons. Such a number, it would be near-impossible, (especially for a third-world country), to keep them secret. Also, why South America and Mexico? What motive would the Afghans possibly have for nuking them? Most ridiculous is the fact that the Afghans didn't lay a fucking finger on America until conquering the rest of the world. That doesn't make sense. That gives America months and even years to prepare.

5) "I stole a 9x19 mm Walther P99, a rifle, and some ammo. It's all I needed to protect myself from the Afgan."-- So a 15-year old with a couple guns is going to protect himself from the country that nuked and conquered the world? Bull+Shit= That sentence.

6) "I saw one guarding the entrance to the meeting."-- One? ONE!? The dictator of the world has one guard covering the entrance? I was in Charlotte when the Democratic National Convention was going on. They had that place locked down like Fort Knox. However, the emperor of the world has one guard? Man, I wish Hitler was that easy to kill.

7) "Oh, I forgot to tell you. The Afgans took the Mexican's and the South American's hostage, making them go to this meeting."-- They took an entire continent hostage? Do you even know the definition of a hostage? Do you even know how many people live in South America and Mexico? A lot.

8) "I slowly opened the window, the guard not noticing me, I aimed at his head and I shot him."-- You do realize rifles make A LOT of noise, right?

9) "The wet grass from the rain last night started changing into red, from the man's blood."-- Friendly tip: we know it's from the man's blood. Don't go too much into detail.

10) "I opened one of his eye lids to see his pupil. I didn't."-- Okay, you're clearly not a doctor. When someone dies, their pupils don't just vanish. You have to shine a light in their eye. If their pupil dilates, they're alive. If their pupil doesn't dilate, they're dead.

11) "Dead" I whispered to myself. I let him lay there."-- This guy isn't a very good assassin if he just leaves dead bodies out in broad daylight.

12) "But I had to get back to my job. To save America from certain defeat."-- It's not your job if you're a lone gun. Also, killing the guy in charge doesn't stop an army.

13) ""This is going to be harder than I thought,""-- How easy did you think killing the conquerer of the world was gonna be?

14) "But it turned out very easy. The guards were mediocre. All they happened to do was walk around in circles, and I'm pretty sure two guards were flirting..."-- Is this a powerful dictator or a boy scout troop leader we're talking about here? Cuz powerful dictators tend to have tight security.

15) "I shot them all quickly, which led to my clip being empty."-- Apparently, Afghanis don't have ears. Seriously, sniper rifles are really really loud.

16) "Then finally, i noticed one word. "Salatsin!" Everyone in the stadium cheered as Captain Salatsin stepped out from behind the curtain. "-- Wait a second. The South Americans and Mexicans are cheering for the guy that nuked and conquered them? I... I can't... I just...

God, that was painful, but I'm done. I have two pieces of advice for you: find a credible plot or at least make it believable. If you need someone to proof-read for you, I'd be glad to help. Inspectah Dash out!
- With love, the Train Wreck Explorers

[Gherkin]

You do realize the full consequences of a nuclear attack, don't you? You say this dictator pulls all Mexicans and South Americans to this meeting (well, the ones that weren't, y'know, nuked), but the reality is he would never get that far. See, if Afghanistan launched an unprovoked nuclear attack on South America, the US would respond with their own against them, seeing as they have South American allies. Afghanistan would have no choice to respond with an attack on the USA.

And by that point, you might as well be writing a Fallout crossover.

[UnweptSchlipps]

I'm going to overlook the whole WWIII thing, because that's just...ugh. But everyone has covered the fallacies in that, so I'll focus on the character of your story. Logan...*shudder*.

So the backstory is...practically nonexistent. All I know about him is that he's fifteen, he a freakin' assassin...and he played basketball with friends. So he's basically a trained killer, uber smart, and can do the job of an entire army, all at the age of a high-school sophomore. What's that? I think that's the sound of a cliche...How about you explain how a fifteen year old became a one-man wrecking crew? That might help. Right now, he seems like the generic "badass" people have grown to utterly despise.

Now for his arrival the magical pastel-colored land of Equestria. It seemed kinda...off. Perhaps it's the fact that, just moments before, he was about to put a bullet in a man's head. But when he's being carried off by an unknown creature against his will, all he can do is utter "You suck". And when he meets the rest of the group, don't you think they'd be more than just a bit anxious to be dealing with an assassin? After all, if I had a murderer in my house, I definately wouldn't ask him to stay the night. Just...how would they be okay with this? HOW?

And if you add the fact that Twilight teleported him for no particular reason, and the fact the Rarity falls in love at first sight (so blatantly obvious), this fanfic story is packed with fail. Try fleshing your character out some more, and make him more believable. And fix the historical inaccuracies, because this sounds like a low-budget historical fiction movie gone awry.

Try not to assassinate any world leaders with just a pistol, okay?
~Schlippy
The Derpy Trainwreck Trash Pail Person

[Csquared08]

1375037

totally ignoring the fact that killing the leader will only result in somebody new taking his place

Actually, killing the leader can result in said leader's country/empire falling to ruin. Case in point: Alexander the Great, Attila the Hun, and Genghis Khan. When they died, their great armies splintered, and were never nearly as powerful as they once were.

[Armalite]

1379185 However, let's remember, this is the "Afghan Army" so in theory, if you kill their leader, another one will follow suit because they don't really have an organized army, at least, if you're talking about the terrorist cells. Then again, in this story, if he killed the leader, he would probably just save the world and be given the medal of honor.

[Csquared08]

1379216
Well, to be fair, I haven't read this story, so I have no idea how this supposed "Afghan army" works. I was merely pointing out that in some instances, killing the leader leads to instant ruin. And I don't think any country, no matter how stable, would go having their leader assassinated in the middle of war without a little bit of turmoil and chaos.

[Armalite]

1379231 Yes, killing the leader is a great way to have an army crumble, but let's remember, all those examples, are anchient, or really really old. Nowadays, if you kill the leader, the next in command just steps up. As for the army, I don't even know, it's the army of Afghanistan that somehow managed to take over the world. I suggest you read it, it's pretty entertaining.

[Csquared08]

1379237
Entertaining in a "This is really cool, you should read it!" way? Or entertaining in a "This is so bad it's hilarious!" way?

And for a more modern example, Napoleon.

[Armalite]

1379244 Entertaining in a "so bad it's hilarious" Because it really is. It's like the stories I used to write when I was in 5th grade.

[Csquared08]

1379248
Oh dear...

[Armalite]

1379251 Yeah, it brings shame upon 15 year olds. Most of the parts that are hidiously bad are due to plot though. It... I don't... It's bad. I don't think I can state it better than how people already have up top.

[Evil Homer]

1379185
In ancient times yes when it was one man chosen by god to lead the people and only that one man could lead them. Charlemagne was the only man who was able to hold onto the Holy Roman Empire and once he died the Empire crumbled. He of course died of natural causes but that doesn't change the concept.

In modern times, this isn't the case and might actually work against you by turning the fallen leader into a martyr for the cause and nobody can compete with a ghost.

Or think about a more recent example like Hitler. Let's say that somebody was able to kill Hitler. Do you think his death would have ended WWII or would somebody else simply have taken his place and used the concept of the dead leader to rally the people?

[Th4t Dark c0rner]

1379937 and last time I checked, this fic (or at least the war part) is about HUMANS. you know, those opportunistic bastards who would grind the world beneath them into dust just so they could get one kilo of gold? In a more well done fic ( I dooseys da english good) I wouldn't be surprised if the 'Dictator' was overthrown by his right hand man at a moment of weakness.
Edit: FOR THE LOVE OF ICE CREAM AND ALL THAT IS DAIRY do not, I repeat do not take this as an open invitation to discuss with me the Human condition.

[Evil Homer]

1438677
It doesn't matter who kills him or why. In modern times, the simple act of killing the leader will not kill the regime.

[floppy_seal99]

u a bitch go fuck urself.

That sentence above is better writing quality than yours.