In 2066, the world was cast into total war. Trained by his parents, Logan Jacobson became a professional assassin at age 15. In the war, Afganistan became strong, destroying and conquering until there was North America left. Just before Logan was going to pull the trigger of his rifle at the Afgan leader, he was dragged into a world known as Equestria.
And soon, Discord, breaks again from his prison by growing chaos in different places. He vows not only to bring chaos to Ponyville, but this time he's blood-thirsty for the Mane 6.
Chapters (1)
*reads description*
Wha... Wha... Wha...
Afghanistan conquering everything except North America? Wat? Your talking about one of the poorest economies in world here, they'd have no chance of even raising an actual army without help!
Meh, Ill read it and make an actual comment later.
Edit: I demand moar backstory!
Edit 2:
Ill track it for now, it was better than I expected.
Some minor spelling/grammar mistakes here and there, but nothing major. Make sure you use more spaces, though, so it doesn't look like a big jumble of words.
Your main problem is the character. First off. next to no backstory, Just 'I'm a nerdy 15-year old turned lone wolf assassin. BASK IN MAH GLORY!'
Not to mention you pulled the good old fashioned meet-the-entire-mane-6-in-less-than-five-minutes trick.
Another problem is that we more world backstory as well. All we have is Japan declares war on England and Afghanistan conquers the world. MOAR BACKSTORY... Why did Japan declare war on England? I'm really curious about this.
I can see you trying to pull an In Medias Res here... but it just doesn't work. We need something other than a five-sentence character outline and a desc that says a war is ongoing but offers no details besides.
But like I said, it was a lot better than I expected. Not great, but still alright, Take a like for the 3 dislikes and no comments.
Yeah, you've got a lot of problems here with this.
First of all Japan declaring war on England? Uhmmm backstory? If the 3rd largest economy in the world with no actual military (they have a self-defence force and something written into their constitution about this) decides to attack anybody it would be North Korea, not England. Then for some even more asinine reason they bring in Afghanistan as an ally. Why anybody would bring in Afghanistan as an ally makes no sense. They're one of the poorest countries around then suddenly manage to take over most of the world with only the Mighty America remaining? They managed to somehow defeat some of the toughest armies in the world and have managed to take over parts of the US now?
Then this 15 year old "gun master", somewhere behind enemy lines in the US seems to be fighting a one boy resistance war against the Afghans and being so good at his job he's able to kill with impunity, shoot people without anybody hearing the shot yet after shooting a man between the eyes needs to check to see if he's actually dead. Last time I checked, you don't walk away from a rifle bullet between the eyes.
Then at the moment where he's going to kill the enemy leader, thus winning the war for America (tm) and totally ignoring the fact that killing the leader will only result in somebody new taking his place, he's whisked away by a wild plot contrivance and winds up falling into Equestria.
Somehow he manages to not only fall from cloud level and hit some trees on the way down but manage to fall into a lake. I'm guessing these are either magical trees or is it magical lake? And the clouds must be really low or else hitting the lake would have been like hitting concrete and his bones would be shattered.
Oh, it's Twilight that brought him here to this world. Again, no explanation, just bring him. Don't worry about where he's going to wind up or that the portal opens hundreds of feet in the air, no just open a portal and hope what whatever comes out survives the fall.
We get some exposition, no explanation of why he's here, an obvious note that some ponies find him attractive and Twilight Sparkle lets him stay the night.
i can't even critique this, the whole story is just full of fail. If the structure or spelling were any worse I'd immediately call troll, but this seems legit for the time being.
Please scrap this and try again.
>Evil Homer - TWE's Tactical Tactless Nuke
1375081
Actually the war started in 2066 and it's now 2068.
So technically, the age is correct.
1375120
That's okay, with all the other issues this story has it's easy to make the mistake that there are more.
Time for my two bits, I guess.
The info dump about your character was a little dull. My immediate suggestion is to not label it as an info dump ("Allow me to introduce myself"), followed by the suggestion that you work this more smoothly into the narrative.
The whole WWIII thing seemed like just a plot device to explain your character's skill set. You didn't spend enough time with it for it to have a real impact, and as far as I can tell, it's not going to come back in the foreseeable future, unless Twi starts playing with portals again. On that note, why was she playing with portals in the first place?
Also, do you know how many Mexicans and South Americans there are? We're talking about a third of North America and an entire continent. Do you know what a nightmare it would be to keep them all in line? I'm just saying, if you're only talking about a small percentage that survived, and your probably are, say that it's just a small percentage that survived, rather than saying "ALL the people."
Overall, I find the idea intriguing, but it needs a lot of work. Good luck!
I love how you can defend yourself from the Afgan army with a pistol and a rifle. Nice job, you should be in the fucking military, hell, you should be the General, or maybe the president!
You bring shame to us fifteen year olds. Either troll fic, or you've been playing too much Call Of Duty. Try again, and read up on, any, current event paper from the last ten years.
I'm going to name the historically and factual inaccuracies in this story. Don't hold your breath. There are a lot of em.
1) "Salatsin's meeting on "How to conquer America" was coming up."-- You wouldn't have a public hearing on how to take over your enemy. That's a nice way to let the enemy know what they need to improve on. Why would Salatsin feed information to America?
2) "But when it was declared that Japan started war against England,..."-- Japan starting a war with England is extremely unlikely. In fact, Japan starting a war with any country is unlikely.
3) "...England pulled Afganistan in."-- England bringing a poor, devastated, deprived country into a war and letting them get their hands on nukes is so unlikely, it's not even funny.
4) "They made them, destroyed the East side of the world, Mexico, and South America."-- Where do I start? For one, to destroy the entire East side of the globe, Afghanistan would need a massive number of nuclear weapons. Such a number, it would be near-impossible, (especially for a third-world country), to keep them secret. Also, why South America and Mexico? What motive would the Afghans possibly have for nuking them? Most ridiculous is the fact that the Afghans didn't lay a fucking finger on America until conquering the rest of the world. That doesn't make sense. That gives America months and even years to prepare.
5) "I stole a 9x19 mm Walther P99, a rifle, and some ammo. It's all I needed to protect myself from the Afgan."-- So a 15-year old with a couple guns is going to protect himself from the country that nuked and conquered the world? Bull+Shit= That sentence.
6) "I saw one guarding the entrance to the meeting."-- One? ONE!? The dictator of the world has one guard covering the entrance? I was in Charlotte when the Democratic National Convention was going on. They had that place locked down like Fort Knox. However, the emperor of the world has one guard? Man, I wish Hitler was that easy to kill.
7) "Oh, I forgot to tell you. The Afgans took the Mexican's and the South American's hostage, making them go to this meeting."--
They took an entire continent hostage? Do you even know the definition of a hostage? Do you even know how many people live in South America and Mexico? A lot.
8) "I slowly opened the window, the guard not noticing me, I aimed at his head and I shot him."-- You do realize rifles make A LOT of noise, right?
9) "The wet grass from the rain last night started changing into red, from the man's blood."-- Friendly tip: we know it's from the man's blood. Don't go too much into detail.
10) "I opened one of his eye lids to see his pupil. I didn't."-- Okay, you're clearly not a doctor. When someone dies, their pupils don't just vanish. You have to shine a light in their eye. If their pupil dilates, they're alive. If their pupil doesn't dilate, they're dead.
11) "Dead" I whispered to myself. I let him lay there."-- This guy isn't a very good assassin if he just leaves dead bodies out in broad daylight.
12) "But I had to get back to my job. To save America from certain defeat."-- It's not your job if you're a lone gun. Also, killing the guy in charge doesn't stop an army.
13) ""This is going to be harder than I thought,""--
How easy did you think killing the conquerer of the world was gonna be?
14) "But it turned out very easy. The guards were mediocre. All they happened to do was walk around in circles, and I'm pretty sure two guards were flirting..."--
Is this a powerful dictator or a boy scout troop leader we're talking about here? Cuz powerful dictators tend to have tight security.
15) "I shot them all quickly, which led to my clip being empty."-- Apparently, Afghanis don't have ears. Seriously, sniper rifles are really really loud.
16) "Then finally, i noticed one word. "Salatsin!" Everyone in the stadium cheered as Captain Salatsin stepped out from behind the curtain. "-- Wait a second. The South Americans and Mexicans are cheering for the guy that nuked and conquered them? I... I can't... I just...
God, that was painful, but I'm done. I have two pieces of advice for you: find a credible plot or at least make it believable. If you need someone to proof-read for you, I'd be glad to help. Inspectah Dash out!
- With love, the Train Wreck Explorers
You do realize the full consequences of a nuclear attack, don't you? You say this dictator pulls all Mexicans and South Americans to this meeting (well, the ones that weren't, y'know, nuked), but the reality is he would never get that far. See, if Afghanistan launched an unprovoked nuclear attack on South America, the US would respond with their own against them, seeing as they have South American allies. Afghanistan would have no choice to respond with an attack on the USA.
And by that point, you might as well be writing a Fallout crossover.
I'm going to overlook the whole WWIII thing, because that's just...ugh. But everyone has covered the fallacies in that, so I'll focus on the character of your story. Logan...*shudder*.
So the backstory is...practically nonexistent. All I know about him is that he's fifteen, he a freakin' assassin...and he played basketball with friends. So he's basically a trained killer, uber smart, and can do the job of an entire army, all at the age of a high-school sophomore. What's that? I think that's the sound of a cliche...How about you explain how a fifteen year old became a one-man wrecking crew? That might help. Right now, he seems like the generic "badass" people have grown to utterly despise.
Now for his arrival the magical pastel-colored land of Equestria. It seemed kinda...off. Perhaps it's the fact that, just moments before, he was about to put a bullet in a man's head. But when he's being carried off by an unknown creature against his will, all he can do is utter "You suck". And when he meets the rest of the group, don't you think they'd be more than just a bit anxious to be dealing with an assassin? After all, if I had a murderer in my house, I definately wouldn't ask him to stay the night. Just...how would they be okay with this? HOW?
And if you add the fact that Twilight teleported him for no particular reason, and the fact the Rarity falls in love at first sight (so blatantly obvious), this fanfic story is packed with fail. Try fleshing your character out some more, and make him more believable. And fix the historical inaccuracies, because this sounds like a low-budget historical fiction movie gone awry.
Try not to assassinate any world leaders with just a pistol, okay?
~Schlippy
The Derpy Trainwreck Trash Pail Person
1375037
Actually, killing the leader can result in said leader's country/empire falling to ruin. Case in point: Alexander the Great, Attila the Hun, and Genghis Khan. When they died, their great armies splintered, and were never nearly as powerful as they once were.
1379185 However, let's remember, this is the "Afghan Army" so in theory, if you kill their leader, another one will follow suit because they don't really have an organized army, at least, if you're talking about the terrorist cells. Then again, in this story, if he killed the leader, he would probably just save the world and be given the medal of honor.
1379216
Well, to be fair, I haven't read this story, so I have no idea how this supposed "Afghan army" works. I was merely pointing out that in some instances, killing the leader leads to instant ruin. And I don't think any country, no matter how stable, would go having their leader assassinated in the middle of war without a little bit of turmoil and chaos.
1379231 Yes, killing the leader is a great way to have an army crumble, but let's remember, all those examples, are anchient, or really really old. Nowadays, if you kill the leader, the next in command just steps up. As for the army, I don't even know, it's the army of Afghanistan that somehow managed to take over the world. I suggest you read it, it's pretty entertaining.
1379237
Entertaining in a "This is really cool, you should read it!" way? Or entertaining in a "This is so bad it's hilarious!" way?
And for a more modern example, Napoleon.
1379244 Entertaining in a "so bad it's hilarious" Because it really is. It's like the stories I used to write when I was in 5th grade.
1379248
Oh dear...
1379251 Yeah, it brings shame upon 15 year olds. Most of the parts that are hidiously bad are due to plot though. It... I don't... It's bad. I don't think I can state it better than how people already have up top.
1379185
In ancient times yes when it was one man chosen by god to lead the people and only that one man could lead them. Charlemagne was the only man who was able to hold onto the Holy Roman Empire and once he died the Empire crumbled. He of course died of natural causes but that doesn't change the concept.
In modern times, this isn't the case and might actually work against you by turning the fallen leader into a martyr for the cause and nobody can compete with a ghost.
Or think about a more recent example like Hitler. Let's say that somebody was able to kill Hitler. Do you think his death would have ended WWII or would somebody else simply have taken his place and used the concept of the dead leader to rally the people?
1379937 and last time I checked, this fic (or at least the war part) is about HUMANS. you know, those opportunistic bastards who would grind the world beneath them into dust just so they could get one kilo of gold? In a more well done fic ( I dooseys da english good) I wouldn't be surprised if the 'Dictator' was overthrown by his right hand man at a moment of weakness.
Edit: FOR THE LOVE OF ICE CREAM AND ALL THAT IS DAIRY do not, I repeat do not take this as an open invitation to discuss with me the Human condition.
1438677
It doesn't matter who kills him or why. In modern times, the simple act of killing the leader will not kill the regime.
u a bitch go fuck urself.
That sentence above is better writing quality than yours.