• Published 22nd Feb 2019
  • 2,704 Views, 28 Comments

The Light Inside Me Is Dying - Flutterpriest



When you're stressed or overwhelmed, it only takes one little thing to set you off. Twilight has a moment that breaks her open. Lucky for her, Spike is there to listen.

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One Little Slip

For your observation: The Party Popper.

A small trinket, meant to be thrown away after use. One twist, and pop! Confetti rains from the sky around you in a joyous occasion of life. One action, one reaction, and then it's time to clean up. Th streamers, confetti and glitter cover the ground in a hungover disarray of celebration. That's the real fun, cleaning up from the mess you made. Yesterday's lapse of foresight turns into today's frustration.

Twilight Sparkle blinked and placed a hoof to her head as she sat in the the heavily decorated map room of her castle. Half eaten slices of cake litter the tables and chairs across the room and streamers hung limply from their placement on the walls. A stallion and mare try to make their way through the foyer without catching her attention. They failed, but Twilight decided to let them believe that they 'slept in her castle' without anypony noticing. It's just easier that way.

"I don't know why I do this to myself," she muttered, rising to her hooves. Her horn glowed with bright purple energy as she picked up a few plates with her luminescent power. She dropped them instantly, a sharp stab of pain jolting from the tip of her horn to her brain. "This is the last time I invite Dash to make the drinks."

Twilight grabbed a trash bag, and ripped it through the air, sighing to herself. Today would be an old fashioned kind of day. Such is life for a hungover unicorn. Alicorn now. What would Princess Celestia say?

She shook her head as she tossed the trash into her bag. Now wasn't the time to think about such things. Thinking about those sort of things only bring out worst thoughts. Instead, it's better to think about the positive things. Like, for instance, the celebration last night. The first graduating class from her school of friendship was now capped, gowned, and deploma'ed. Her school was now, officially, a success. She and her friends were making the sort of meaningful change this world needs.

Just then, a loud, piercing, off tune whistling echoed through the castle. It was her dragon companion, Spike, walking through the foyer.

"Gooood Morning Twilight!" he called out as he passed the map room. He paused, turning on the spot once he locked eyes with Twilight. "Yikes. Too much to drink again?"

"You could say that," she responded, angrily thrusting an untouched piece of cake into the bag. Who does that? Takes cake, then doesn't even touch it. Rude.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, walking into the room. "Need me to get you anything?"

"Maybe some water? And those streamers need to come down. My horn's not cooperating thanks to my head."

"Sure thing," Spike said, taking a step back. But then he paused, looking at Twilight more carefully. "Hey, uh, Twilight?"

"Yeah, Spike?"

The dragon made a noise from his mouth that resembled the start of something, but stopped halfway. He looked away for a moment, reassessed his stance and fiddled with his claws.

"How many hangovers does that make this month?" he asked.

Twilight paused, turning back to Spike. She was silent for a moment. Her ears folded and she looked into the mostly full garbage bag.

"Nine," she said weakly. "I think."

"I think you need to get this under control," he said. "Before it gets worse."

"I don't have a problem," she snapped.

"I'm not saying you do."

"I need to take this outside," she said to the ground. She fiddled with the ends of the bag, tying it together. She tossed the bag of trash onto her back, set between her wings and held in place. "Please get the streamers down."

She pushes past her friend and towards the large double doors of her castle. She threw one door open and is instantly blasted with a blinding blast of white light. The sun reflected brightly over the white, snowy covered town of Ponyville. She grumbled to herself as she stepped outside, feeling the frigid cold weather take hold of her little frame.

"Of course we had to have second winter this year. Of course. Thanks Pegasai. Great job," she mumbled under her breath. "I love living in a place where the air hurts my face."

Twilight stepped off the threshold of her castle and onto her unshoveled, icy steps. The snow crunched under her hooves, and gentle mists of snow blew off the peaks of the castle through the air.

"Should have grabbed a coat. I can already tell this-"

However, she didn't get to complete her thought. One back hoof was in the air. She placed her body weight onto a front hoof, and the ice under the snow provided her no traction. She felt herself slump forward and then the world moved without her consent.

The steps dug into her side. She gasped in pain. She felt her body bounce as the trash flew forward. She slid down the steps as the crystal edges of the steps scraped against her body, sliding down the snowy steps. The trash bag rips open, littering the ground with cake, cranberry-vodka, strawberry drinks, and other trace red liquids following where Twilight landed. she felt her muzzle crack against one last step, and then she landed at the bottom of the steps.

Her body screamed in anger as she stared up at the blue sky above her. All she could do was stare upward, feeling the freezing burn of the snow soak into her coat. Her wings weakly unfurled and she grit her teeth.

A second passed, as she gently flexed each part of her body, assessing the damage. She sighed and closed her eyes.

"Why?" she asked. "Why does this happen to me?"

What would Celestia think if she saw her now?

A fragile, ill-prepared Princess who surrounds herself with projects and stress until finally she breaks. The rush of success becoming addiction. The rush becoming less and less satisfying, so instead aiming for more success, more awards, more benefit. More. Always More.

What's it going to take?

It has to be the world. Always the world. If the whole world isn't saved or benefited, she's wasting her time. Her potential. She can do so much. Now look at her. Bruised and beaten in the snow from one little trip.

She can't help but chuckle to herself.

"Why am I like this?" she muttered to herself, an involuntary smile curling on her lips.

I hate myself so much.

"Twilight, are you okay?" Spike said, walking out to the threshold. "What happened?!"

"Just a slip," Twilight said. "I'll be okay."

"I think you're bleeding," he said, walking down the steps effortlessly. Why was something that was so hard for her, so easy for him.

It's not fair.

"Come on, let's get you inside."

"No, Spike," Twilight said, unmoving. "I'll be fine. I just need a moment to collect my pride."

"But it's freezing out here."

Twilight blinked, staring at the sky.

Wouldn't it be easier if she could just... fizzle. Disappear into the air, into some state of non-existent being. To be alive, but not here. To be gone, but still around.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore, Spike," she mumbled to the baby dragon. "Everything is so hard."

Spike sighed and laid in the snow beside Twilight.

"You've been taking your medication, right?" he asked.

"Of course," Twilight said. "I haven't had a low in a long, long time. I just... I don't know."

"Listen," Spike said. "Things are hard, and they're always gonna be hard. And we're gonna fall down sometimes. Wait. Is that too soon?"

Twilight chuckled gently.

"But we have to pick ourselves up and keep going. I think you've been overworking yourself."

"You can say that again," she said.

"At least you recognize the problem this time. And you're trying to make it better, yeah?"

"Yeah," she mumbled.

"So yeah, you're in good shape."

"I don't feel like I'm good," Twilight said. "I don't feel... Anything. I feel like I keep futilely trying to make some sort of good, but there's always a more prevalent bad thing that's more important or worse than the good that I make. I feel like it's all... just too much. I'm never making headway or actually improving anything. I'm just keeping myself busy with meaningless stuff until I die."

A silence filled the air.

"Sorry. I shouldn't talk about my feelings when I'm down. I always-"

"Do you think I'm meaningless, Twilight?" Spike asked.

"Of course not, Spike," She said, looking to him.

"Well, you raised me. Well, are raising me. So, if I'm pretty alright, are you a failure?"

"I don't even think I'm a failure, Spike. I just-"

"That's not the point. The point is that you're doing good. And you have to give yourself more credit."

Twilight looked back to the sky and sighed.

"It's hard sometimes."

"Yeah," Spike said. "But that's life."

The two laid in the snow, staring at the sky together.

"Hey, Spike?"

"Yeah, Twilight?"

"It's cold."

The two laughed in unison for a moment.

"Yeah," Spike said. "I suppose so."

"Let's clean this up and head inside."

"That sounds like a good idea to me."

Comments ( 28 )

This is a page from the book of my life, retold in horseform. Minus the child slave helpful assistant.

There really isn’t any other way to describe it, is there? Everything is just so exhausting, everything makes you feel world weary...

9471112
that was entirely the aim. thanks for sharing :)

Set

This... is so relatable, and so sweet to read. Wow I did not expect to see this in my feed but I'm so glad I did.

Loved this. Quick question, though: why is it AU?

9471223
I'm not up to date on the show, so I covered my bases on the whole "school graduation."

I slipped down a flight of stairs

CONCERN. INTENSIFIES.

When you're stressed or overwhelmed, it only takes one little thing to set you off.

Do I know that feeling.

I like this... Good job.

Well, this was a damned fine read. And yeah, a bit of a peek into my own life too.

Also, holy shit are you all right?!

A story we can all relate to.

We all hit our highs and lows sometimes, and some of us have it worse on the latter than others for one reason or another. Sometimes... The bad can get to be too much, and something bad happens. Sometimes we just contemplate the things we do during the bad times, and we wonder if it means anything at all in the grander scheme.
But then, there's always something to keep going for, even if you can't see it. Something is always there, waiting just over the hill or around the bend, only you can't see it for how far you've fallen down. That's when you need someone to come along, take you by the hand or arm, or shoulder your weight and burden with you, and guide you on until you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This was touching to read, and a bit of an eye-opener as well. This same idea has struck me at times, and I myself have wondered if anything any one person does matters. The answer is a loud, resounding "YES", and to think otherwise is to let the despair win and steal another precious star from the skies. you, friend, are an excellent writer. Don't stop, whatever you do, and here's to hoping your situation turns around soon. Remember: Happiness can be found in the darkest of times...if you only remember to look for the light.

This feels like me quiet often......But it's written well, and I can take it seriously.

I like this a lot. Made me tear up a bit. Tahnk you.

Nice how brief the bit about medication is. Makes it come off as very natural.

the sad part is is this is a very realisitic portrayal of the day in the life of someone suffering from depresion

not all of them have someone like spike to pull them out of a tailspin like that...

"You could say that," she responded, angrily thrusting an untouched piece of cake into the bag. Who does that? Takes cake, then doesn't even touch it. Rude.

A crime! We need Pinkie on the scene!

Wouldn't it be easier if she could just... fizzle. Disappear into the air, into some state of non-existent being. To be alive, but not here. To be gone, but still around.

Well then, you just need to have a wizard or witch to vanish you.

A hundred points to the house of whoever gets this reference.

"I don't have a problem," she snapped.

Take note: This sentence is the number one sign of having a problem.

"Why am I like this?" she mutters to herself, and involuntary smile curling on her lips.

I hate myself so much.

Wow, Twilight. That's... sad. I can sort of understand: I have, sometimes, my moments of gloom where I just hate the world, some part of me, and most everything else.

Hope you get better.

"You've been taking your medication, right?" he asked.

That bad, huh? :applejackunsure:

"I'm never making headway or actually improving anything. I'm just keeping myself busy with meaningless stuff until I die."

While I don't know exactly what it is you do, Twilight, I know that it isn't meaningless, even if it does seem that way to yourself. A mare like yourself can't just do meaningless things, but great things, that's what you can do.

"That sounds like good idea to me."

I like that ending. A sentence that would usually be so nondescript and unremarkable, but in this story and context it has that sort of shine to it, that feeling you want to describe but can't find the words for (rather like me right now).

Beautiful. :pinkiesad2:


Anyway, I'd just like to make a quick quote.

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." – Dumbledore

It might help, it might not, but just wanted to say it. Might be useful, some time in the future.

"Why am I like this?" she mutters to herself, and involuntary smile curling on her lips.

"Mutters" is in present tense for some reason.

Also, "and" should be "an".

"That sounds like good idea to me."

Missing an "a".


P.S. Sorry for clogging the comment section with three comments. I have a quirk that someone makes me divide comments.

Well... I'm in that situation where I just need one bad thing to happen so I snap like a twig in a dry Autumn. Funny enough, I had multiple moments where I just should've snapped but didn't.

Relatable on so many levels. I'm glad Spike is there to help balance her out.

Too real.

Its good to have someone you care about bring you back up if you're in a stupor. Great story.

9471669

I think part of the problem is that we can't all relate. I don't think I can. This feeling that is described here, it sounds to me like depression. Something I luckily never suffered from and I doubt ever will. South Park did an episode about the subject and portrayed it as everything looking, sounding and tasting like sh*t.

In a world where that is the case, you can sorta imagine there is no point in getting up in the morning. There is no reason to, nothing in the world gives you a reason. As lowbrow as it was, I still feel that is the closest I have gotten to understanding depression. But the feeling itself? I don't think you can understand that unless you have experienced it. Which also makes it hard to know how to help I imagine. A listening ear is easily given, but is that enough? What other ways are there to help? What should you and what shouldn't you do? For both your sake and the sake of the one suffering from depression?

Twilight can always rely on Spike to pick her up. We can only hope to have a friend like that, or to be a friend like that in our lives

>Browsing mlp fanfiction
>Spot short sad story™
>YeahWhyNot.png
>Sarah Lynn picture before the story even starts.
>Oof

9476666

The best way to describe depression is basically everything has "but why" tacked on the end.

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