I'm new to this website and I've grown interested in the show. I've also decided to try out my writing techniques too. But I'm also hear for the joy of reading and writing :)
Three Worlds- My Little Pony, Team Fortress 2, and Skyrim. What will happen? Everything is not in the right place and things just got real... Or did it? First a boom, and then a shout, and finally a mistake in a potion. Everything is a mishmosh of derp, but what kind of derp will it be? (Has language and is my first third person fiction. This story contains both POV's of Team Fortress, Skyrim, and My Little Pony. May contain mild comedy.)
Image Credit- To whoever made it
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In their tongue he is Demo-kin, DEMOBORN.
A great start, let's see where this goes.
englishrussia.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/jet_train.jpg
Toot toot, all aboard Nazkan's review train. Yes, that is a jet, no, you don't have a choice, no, I will not be as kind as I can be and yes, there are snacks. Any more questions? No? Good, since this picture takes up 50% of the space I'm comfortable using, let's just cut to the bare bones.
Let's start with story. I find that on crossovers, story is always a good place to start. Now, I assume you already have a basic plan about what's going to happen next, along with how major plot points go, so I won't ramble on too long about that. However, I will give you some tips on writing crossovers, since I have seen people struggle with them before.
Firstly, KNOW YOUR UNIVERSES. This is very important. You need to know each of the worlds you're mixing to a tee. I don't mean a simple, oh, I have the gist of how everything works. You need to know everything about each universe you cross over. Insane level of details, like what kind of cheese Heavy uses on his sandvich, or the kind of tea Rainbow Dash likes. Before you write anything, you must know exactly how the universe works. This goes double for two universes and triple for three.
Second is, how do I say this, second is making sure that the universes you cross are compatible. That they meld well together. Obviously, if you're talented you can ignore this, since anything can work if it's written well enough. Case in point, Silent Ponyville. A game about a cursed town that psychologically tortures criminals and a show about technicolour ponies? Obviously these don't exactly belong in the same area of the video store. Since it's written decently though, it manages to overcome that gap. If the two universe don't mix in the first place, I.E MLP and Skyrim, the more effort needs to go in to make it work.
Thirdly, if you're doing it right, writing a crossover is going to be one of the hardest things you do. It should be physically draining getting everything to fit. As I've mentioned before, a barbarian who is used to solving problems with his sword isn't exactly going to adapt that well to a world without swords. You need to show this realistically.
Which brings me to my next point, showing. Once again, the saying 'show, don't tell' applies here. The very fact that you need a visual cue to show us that the scene has changed is a very very bad sign. You need to show us what the scene is, other than simply telling us what it is.
'-at the map BadWater Basin-' oh that would be very helpful, IF I KNEW WHAT MAP THAT WAS! You need show us what this map looks like, or even better, show us what the main character is seeing and feeling.
Have you ever opened a book and the front page simply said 'Frodo walked through the Shire and met Gandalf?' Of course not, you would throw the book away. The point I'm trying to say is, we need to know what everything looks like, but you can't simply tell us what it is. I know it's a little confusing, so I'll try to give you an example.
Give me a moment, 'Heavy rushed over to the balcony overlooking the drop sight. The flecking paint of the rail was the only thing betraying its true age as the Heavy pushed his gun over the rails. Beneath him, over a dozen people rushed around urgently, huddled together against a single bright blue bomb. The bomb itself was huge, easily the size of a full grown man, but Heavy paid no mind to that. The bomb was no news to him. With a shout, the sound of his prized minigun filled the air, cleaving through the cowards that had dared to try and destroy his company's work. A few tried to get a shot off on him, pulling the strings of their bows back in preparation, but nothing can outsmart a bullet.' See how that's more descriptive than simply, 'in Badwater Basin?' It really shows what you should be aiming for.
Again, explaining 'show don't tell' has never been my strong point.
You also switch tenses at random. Find a tense and stick with it. A little pre reading would be able to catch stuff like this.
Take a couple of peanuts out of the ash tray while I set up point three. There's still two paragraphs till the train stops.
Characterization is a tricky thing. I personally believe that this is because everyone sees a character differently. Is Rainbow Dash an egotistical braggart or a loyal friend who likes attention? All depends on how you look at it. The problem comes when you destroy such characterization as this. I can not for the life of me figure out a scenario in which the Elder Dragon would, even accidentally, kill the dragonborn. I cannot see a way in which Applejack of all ponies calls Fluttershy an idiot and I certainly cannot see a situation where everypony argues fruitlessly instead of figuring out what the potion did, if they're floating in space.
You need to revise your characters to fit canon better, because canon isn't gonna change to fit your characters. Really, pretty much everyone here needs a really deep look at how they've acted.
Author's notes now. You don't need them. Ever. If you need to say something to explain your story, than it should ALREADY BE IN THE STORY. There is literally no reason to have an authors note at any time, and if you do, it should be down here in the comments section.
Finally, just before the train stops and you get a chance to mope for a bit, just know that this isn't an attack against you. I review everyone equally, regardless of what they write or how old they are. Your story is simply one of many, and not a very good one at that. You can't just post anything you pull out of your ass and expect people to praise it, you need to work for those views.
Also, this is where I would usually welcome you to Friendship is Magic Fiction.com, but I see you've been here a long time already. So instead, take some peanuts, step off the train and let me set up your seat for the next writer.
Stopping at 'BetterStoryVilla, Australia.'
Nazkan
Edit: Please tell me that was some sort of 'so bad it's good' reference Svgb.
A drunk dovahkiin and an elder dragon fus ro dahing him?
:twilightoopscan they do that? anyways here be a moostash for you
very well done....just know that im a nitpick bout TF2, so get your universes clear!
Lol thanks for the reviews. I'm not really taking this story seriously but seeing that the people make a big deal of crossovers, I'll try and up my game
fus ro fuck yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!