Rosa Maledicta the Queen of Blood, resides in the far north. I have followed her since our times in Equestria. She taught me how to wield dark magic. She gave me the knowledge that I never had the chance to be given. She nurtured me to who I am today. I am forever in her debt.
Oh my Queen, how I look up to you. I am graced with your guidance, knowledge and presence. As one who has been formally taught by you, I will lay down my life and use any means to protect.
I am your pupil.
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I like the premise of this story, and I'll definitely be keeping an eye on it. I think I'll also check out that mod, I've never heard of it before.
Your mistakes are minimal. The one thing that really stuck out to me was this quote:
I don't think "foretold" would be appropriate here, a simple "told" would be better. Also, this:
Would sound better as:
Another knitpick is the lack of descriptions. What does our protagonist look like? Is the pony a he or she? What does the Queen look like? The picture helps, but it still only gives us so much to go on. Descrtiptions of locations would go a long way, too. What does the exalted Queen of Blood's throne room look like, or the hall or our protagonist's bedchamber? The library had more to go on, but writing in some decor would really help set the mood.
Writing in some visuals will help set the mood for the story and give your readers a clearer view of the world you're painting.
One last thing is that the pacing was a little fast. Certainly not the jarring chaos or break-neck speed I've seen from some other stories, but it's something to keep an eye on.
Aside from all that though, I like what I'm seeing here, and I think this has potential to be a real page-turner.
For now, this story gets a like and a track. I look forward to seeing the next chapter you come out with!
9526529
Thank you for your comment, I will try to insert more imagery next chapter and give more vivid descriptions of our protagonist. Also I like your sentence structure better than my own, so I will edit the two.
Equestria at war more please
Keep it up
9532391
Thank you. Chapter two may take time however, as it is going to be more than 1,000 words.
Interesting. You have some glaring gramatical and spelling errors but other then that your story is quite good. I'm interested to see how the world building plays out and how this dark place fits into the world of Equestria.
10059280
If you do not mind, can you point out some of these grammar errors. I do struggle with English Literature. It will help me in improving my fan fiction.
God damn, I never thought I'd see this story again! It's nice to see that you haven't abandoned this.
I can see that you've added more descriptive elements in this chapter, and it really makes all the difference. Now we know what all the important characters (who've appeared thus far) look like, and we have enough descriptions of the background and evironment to paint a better mental picture of the story presented to us. The descriptions could stand to be a little more detailed, in my opinion, but this is a huge step in the right direction.
Although I loate to sound like I'm nitpicking, there is still one major issue that should be addressed. This story has been written in first-person perspective, and internal dialogue is critical to any story which takes this approach. We the readers can only view the world of your story through one lens (the eyes of the main character), and the richer that lens is, the better. The main character's thoughts should be made known to the reader when pertinent, so that the readers have a better understanding of how our protagonist views the world around him, and how he feels in a given situation. While narrative and environmental descriptions are helpful to this end, they are no replacement for the protagonist's thoughts. These are usually denoted with italics, 'single quotes', 'or both'. Personally I prefer both, but it ultimately comes down to personal preference.
Aside from that, there are some awkward sentences in this chapter which gave me pause, plus a few words that don't really seem to belong.
The comb itself is a utensil. Perhaps you meant the combs needles?
Rustic could be taken to mean simple, which I can see as the descriptor for a guard's armor, but I'm not sure if that really fits with the setting. Maybe you could extrapolate on this?
This whole sentence is a bit awkward, particularly with the excessive comma splicing. Also, pointing out that blue crystals give off blue light is a bit redundant. Something like:
Light crystals are set into the walls at regular intervals, bathing the room in a soft blue glow.
Might sound a bit better.
This sentence, like the above, is quite unweildy. Something like:
His daughter, Silvertongue Moonlit-Blood, is an adopted bat of all things!
Would flow a bit more smoothly.
There are also a few greater issues present that should be addressed here. The name "Moonlit-Blood" is hypenated, and both parts of a hyphenated surname should be capitalized. Aside from that, a hyphenated surname implies the merging of two seperate family names, something virtually unheard of in nobility. If this is, in fact, a surname born from two seperate family names, then this should probably be explained in some way. If it's not, then I'd recommend removing the hyphen entirely.
Furthermore, the word "bat" is the common name of a species, and shouldn't be capitalized. The only time you should capitalize the name of a species is if you're using Latin taxonomy (i.e. Urocyon cinereoargenteus), which follows its own special rules. Also, by the way our protagonist continually refers to his thestral opponent as a bat, I am under the assumtion that he harbors ill will towards the race. If this is intentional, I'd suggest expanding upon this.
There are some more errors throughout the chapter, namely a few misspellings and some misplaced (or missing) commas, but those are all relatively minor and hardly worth mentioning at this stage. These can easily be remedied by scrutinizing your chapters more closely before posting.
I know it sounds like I'm nagging you, but that's because I care about your story. I stand by what I said a year ago about really wanting this story to be the best it can be, and I know you have the ability to be a great author! I've read through my fair share of stories that start out rough, and become better with each chapter until the final product is a masterpiece. The fact that this chapter is a good step up from the last speaks volumes about your willingness to better your writing skills, and it honestly makes me excited to see what comes next. Hopefully I won't have to wait several more months though!
10059388
Thank you so much for your feedback and support! When I finish work tonight, I will edit in your suggestions to the best of my abilities. Chapter 3 "The Dance of Death" is currently in the works... I also hope to finish it sooner than later.
10059644
I look forward to the next chapter!
But right now, I feel like I should address your efforts at editing the surname Moonlit-Blood. The result is a bit... messy, for which I blame my poor attempt at explaining the issue. When I suggested removing the hyphen, I meant to replace the hyphen with a space, which would result in the full name being "Darkbreaker/Silvertongue Moonlit Blood", which is a three-part name (First name, Middle name, Surname), as opposed to a two-part name with a compound surname (First name, Compound-surname). Fully merging the two parts of the name gives the impression of a compound surname done improperly.
I apoligize for the confusion, and I hope this clears things up a bit.
10061148
Okay, I'll get to work on fixing that.
Aaaahhh, an another good story that's end up without update.