POV Stargazer
Why am I here? Not that I'm complaining, but somehow I'm being interrogated by six mares and one baby dragon. What I see is seven beings, but holy hell it feels like two dozen people are talking all at once. I thought as I held on to the head ache and inspected these six ponies and one dragon who are looking at me with very different opinions. OK, let's see, unicorn, earth pony, pegasi, earth pony, another pegasi, a dragon, and an alicorn. And looking at my surroundings I see seven chairs (one is smaller than the rest) forming a circle. No table. I thought as I clutch my aching forehead, because my god it's hard making your own thoughts when other peoples thoughts are entering your head.
Ugh...how did Moonwatcher handle fricking mind reading, uhh...relaxing thoughts right, I think thats what Darkstalker said to her, let it eat up the voices, right? Oh crap, their looking at me with voices of concern and there not even taking yet, quick say somthing before things get awkward. I thought with a head ache.
"Uh...how's life?" What the balls is that kind of introduction, great now their thinking if they should answer it or not and the other one just wont shut up. FUCK it, close your eyes, ignore everything and focus on removing these other thoughts out of you head. Peaceful thoughts, peaceful thoughts, let it eat up the voices...
POV Second person
Twilight and the others looked at each other with a mixture of concern, a bit of suspicion, and curiosity, all of them focused on the white and red dragon who's holding his head in pain. Their thoughts differ from each other.
The thoughts of Twilight was that of curiosity due to the fact that she has not seen this species of dragon since her first visit to the dragonlands and is also taking notes on the dragons scales due to the fact that it's constantly changing colors. Oh the wonders she would find after researching this particular dragon.
Rarity's thoughts however are those of wonder and inspiration as she admires the dragons scales as it constantly shifts from one color to another. From red and white, to pale green, to different shades of blue, to plain white, then different shades of red, then yellow. She could not help but be inspired on the different colors that the dragon is somehow making out of his scales. Just think of all the possible series of clothes that she could make inspired by the dragons scales.
Meanwhile Rainbow Dash's and Applejack's thoughts are made of suspicion. The fact that they found an unconscious dragon at Twilight's throne room was something to be suspicious about already. He might be a spy. One thought. He m'hat do somthin' dangerous if we don' keep an eye on im'. The other thought. But both of them are wondering why the dragons colors are shifting and both are thinking that the dragon might be hypnotyzing them, and if that was the case they wont give in to the hypnosis.
Fluttershy's thoughts was a mix between terror and concern. Terror due to the fact that there is a large dragon, not huge just large, maybe a few heads higher than Celestia when standing on all fours and a couple more heads higher when sitting. But large nonetheless and thats enough for Fluttershy to be shaking behind one of her friends. But concern was also in her mind due to the fact that the poor dragon is in obvious pain, she would have helped the dragon if she wasn't terrified.
Spikes thoughts were that of admiration, never in his life had he seen such a peculiar dragon thats way more different than the dragons he met during his time at the dragon migration. There is only a hint of concern in his thoughts because he observed that the dragon has a head ache, and had been thinking on helping him.
And lastly Pinkie Pie's thoughts were as random as ever. She was giving a relpy to the dragons question, thinking what she's saying, and saying what she's thinking non-stop, talking about how her day was, how her friends day was, how her friends friends day was, how things are happening, whats happening right now, and some other random gibber-gabber.
"Hey! I'll tell you what mister author, my thoughts are NOT random, their organized chaos!" Pinkie suddenly said out of nowhere.
NO! Bad Pinkie, no 4th wall breaks! Your not allowed to do that until the middle of the story, get back into the scene, and I bet that Discord would disagree
"Oh phooey, your no fun mister author. Fiiine I'll do it later, I'm just helping you reach the required 1000 word limitation so you can submit this story." She said with a satisfied grin.
Yes, yes I know and thank you. But like I said, no 4th wall breaks until later on the story. Ok?
"Okay!" She said seemingly satisfied with the result that she got out of the conversation.
Ugh...eight hundred fifty words and couting. So where was I...oh right
And lastly the thoughts of the multicolored dragon that now has returned to the original white and red have been silenced and only his thoughts remain after a few short minutes of awkwardness. Seemingly satisfied with the results he has he looks up and started to speak.
POV Stargazer
"Whoo...ok, now I can think properly." I said, glad that the headache is finally gone and now that I can think straight. "Now I can properly introduce myself. My name is-"
I was suddenly cut off by a barrage of questions and statements that I almost didn't notice that my scales turned light blue, a color that signifies shock.
"How did you do that color change with your scales, is-"
"Your scales are simply marvelous darling, I am some how inspi- *gasp* IDEEEEAAA-"
"What are you doing Twilight's castle, huh, are you a sp-"
"What'r ya' planin' dragon, don' think that ahm' not watchin' ya', becuz' ah' am-"
"Um...girls, I think your scaring him."
"Whoa dude cool scales, they change color and stuff. I wish my scales are-"
"Himyname'sPinkiePiePonyville'sresidentpartyplannerIdopartiesforallthenewponiesthatcometotownbecauseifyournewtoPonyvillethen-"
As they continue to barrage me with questions and statements, I notice that my scales turned pale green that basically indicates fear. I just couldn't handle that much pressure on me so I did the next best thing. Think that I would disappear and my scales seem to agree to my decision. Because the next thing I knew was seeing the shocked faces of the six mares and one dragon and I also noticed that I couldn't see my arm.
Why is this happening to me???
Okay, saw the new author disclaimer, so I’ll take it easy. First off, this main character sounds extremely boring right out of the gate.
Doesn’t exactly sound like there’s going to be much real conflict, if any. Making a character OP out of the gate tends to bore readers, and in many cases, the author themselves. I mean, they can seemingly solve any problem with a metaphorical snap of their fingers, and then what? What do the readers have to look forward to to reading, or the author have to look forward to writing? Unless, of course, the main character has a really good personality to complement these powers of theirs to at least make them interesting. Let’s see...
*one chapter reading later*
Okay, I don’t know a thing about your main character except he seems to have some weird personality disorder thing going on that honestly feels super convoluted. Also, he seems to have the snarky cocksure-type personality that seems to be a default for OCs nowadays.
Also, I’m not digging your characterization of the Mane 6. It all seems very surface level, like there’s more to Rarity than fashion and calling others “darling,” there’s more to Pinkie Pie than parties and fourth-wall breaks (which are canonically a lot more subtle than many assume (though I was guilty of this myself in my first story)).
My first suggestion is to really watch as much of the show as possible. As you’re watching, try and focus more on what characters are like and not who they are or what they say. Dialogue and actions should be primarily driven by personality, and not by appearance, occupation, or catchphrases.
Second, I would spend more time practicing OC conceptualization. Of course, it’s encouraged for authors to inject a little of their own personalities into their characters, but it should be supplemented by other things as well to set themselves apart from other OCs.
Something I’ve done that helps craft personalities for characters is giving them a backstory, and not necessarily one that will be brought up in the story, but one that you can think back on as you write so you can think to yourself, “What would someone whose lived the life they’ve lived say in this particular situation to this particular character or scenario?”
If you have any more questions, feel free to reply.
9385206
Thanks for the input, I am just starting out and I'll take whatever suggestion there is.
Oh, a WoF fanfic! What a rarity you are. I've got my eye on you just for that.
moviemaster already did a good job of explaining the things you would need to improve upon, so I'll leave my two cents in regards to other topics. Most notably would be the following:
The books have never been too clear with how exactly Animus magic truly affects the person, whether that it eats away at their soul (or at something in exchange for using the power; Stonemover is a good example) or that there is no true restriction and that megalomania is setting in.
Looking at your short desc, I hope that's simply the description of the powers entailed when one is an Animus dragon and not the Animus powers itself losing the (placebo?) balancing factor that stopped the dragons born with the abilities from limitlessly using their magic. Because as far as I'm concerned, Animus magic is "unrestricted," in the sense that you could endlessly magic things, except that the power wielded can very easily corrupt the user.
Making your character OP, like said before, can become quite boring for both you and the reader. But, it would be very nice to see how the MC deals with this as a possible hurdle for them to overcome, considering they have a different mindset (human) compared to a standard dragon. Seeing how they would react and adapt to it may make for some good material.
9385669
Thanks for the feedback, I am actually planning on making the Animus magic, THE actual Animus magic, corruption, drawbacks, and mainly genetics.
Next chapter is just explanation on how the MC got transported, what he looked like befor transportation and short backgroud, and third chapter is an explanation about the 7 dragon tribes, prophecies, stuff like that.
Its a slice of life genre so I dont know if I should go heavy on the details.
Let me know your input, i'll just have to fix things up on the description and other stuff on the prologue.
This has potential--I'll keep watching.
My word of advice: don't oversell it. Especially Pinkie.
But as far as a concept goes this is frankly really interesting: also I am a huge WoF fan so that helps too.
Just remember: if you want a good story, you will eventually have to do rewrites. I learned that the hard way.
and if you need a grammar checker, wink wink (pm me)
9385794
I'll keep that in mind. Also I only did the 4th wall break just to pass the 1000 word minimum count, I'm not planning on doing it more if I cant do it properly. I'm doing this so I can get feedback, so I can fix the story , so that others can appreciate it.
These suggestions are really helping me, so thank you very much. Just voice out some concerns about the story and I'll try to fix it to the best of my abilities.
Bit late to the party, but only real thing I could see that was wrong with the chapter was some spelling mistakes (pretty minor ones at that) and a forgetfulness for using apostrophes.
I haven't started to read this yet but you can f**king bet I'm going to simply for the book series it's based on.
Hmm, a combination of Nightwing mind-reading and Rainwing camo scales, he could be the ultimate rouge. If he's smart or clever enough.
9614625
Not saying that I have perfect spelling, but damn I hate when people mess up you’re and your.
The way it's written Applejacks accent seems to be laid on pretty thick, country folk/rednecks ain't that bad less your talkin to what I call a Bayou babbler lol