Heyo~ Star here! I don't plan on making a second book on this site, but I will keep writing on The Crystal Prince, so don't worry.
The Crystal Empire has returned, so has King Sombra. Only the missing Crystal Prince can defeat Sombra. Things fall on the shoulders of Shining Amour and Princess Cadence. A bat pony in the night guard seems to have some mysterious magic. All hope for the Crystal Empire seems lost until Princess Luna enters a nightmare of one of her guards. Her discovery brings hope to the Empire, as well as herself.
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Good story and nice OC, just wondering when this takes place.
It is a bit rushed, but nevertheless a good story
9279292
Heyo! I'm sorry if it seems rushed. I have a bit of trouble when it comes to making a story flow in a timely manner. (not to mention that I wrote both chapters while I was supposed to be doing my schoolwork...) This story takes place in an alternate reality since it doesn't follow the cannon storyline.
Wow, this was nice. Keep it up!
Wow, the power to pretty much destroy the country. Nice, I do like how Topaz has a certain snobbishness, it makes him imperfect, however I do hope he can get over it.
The power though makes me wonder at how Sombra defeated him
Good job on the story, nice writing. Will flurry heart exist in this universe?
9281429
I'm not sure yet. But is she does, it won't be until after Sombra is defeated.
Also, Sombra managed to defeat Topaz because somepony wasn't concentrated on the battle
More please
9289202
I'm working on it. Though, I will be gone this weekend and next week for Thanksgiving, so I'll try my best to upload a few more chapters before then. I'm glad you enjoy my story.
This is a good story
9280246
Don't worry - while you always have to make an effort to keep the pacing good, that's something that gets easier with time and experience. The best advice I could give is that while you should plan ahead, you should not be thinking too far ahead when writing individual scenes. "Getting to the next part" is the bane of good pacing. Even if it's something as mundane as establishing the setting, you should always try to make it as if it is the most important thing in the world.
(Note: I am not good at following my own advice.)
I'd use something like "scent of burnt fur" or something like that. In general, you should describe the smell of what is burning, or just say "the smell of smoke," as fire does not have a scent.
All right... an OP character is not inherently bad, despite what some say.
But emphasizing it this much puts people off, unless there's a particularly good reason for it.
He didn't really need to have the demonstration of power against Discord, or the different comments by the Princesses. (They don't really mention power all that much anyway. It seemed weird.)
A better way to imply that he's extremely powerful is to have Discord act like himself, then see him and show a bit of genuine fear.
And of course, remember to make the world rough him up a bit. (Edit: "on-screen" roughing up. It matters a lot for the reader to be shown what they went through.) That's essential to any character. (Or make there be legitimate frustration for everything being too easy, a la One Punch Man.)
(Also, I'd suggest the "male alicorn" thing not be the only reason he's so powerful. Or at least explain why they are both more rare and powerful other than sex.)
I see quite a lot of potential in this story, as well as a few warning signs. I definitely wish you luck!
9435046
Thank you so much for the advise😊 Every little bit counts and goes toward making me a better author.
9503602
I like the story and i see much potential in its future. I recommend that you sit down with a sheet of paper and create a list of all the major story lines you want in this story and what the ultimate endgame of the story will be. Then you can use that to write down the smaller plot points that need to happen in order to get you to that point. That way you can plan out the chapters more easily, get the creativity flowing and minimize the risk that you abandon the story because you wrote yourself into a corner and don´t know where to take the story from were you are.
Good luck.
9504321
I have tried that in the past, but I either lose it, or get off track. This story hadn't been updated in a while because I busy and actually forgot about it. I have been working on two other major stories that I plan to get published soon. If I had gotten stuck on something, then I would have put that in the comments. I never want to leave people hanging when they enjoy my story so much. This story is actually my most viewed. It does so much better than my Wattpad stories ever could. Perhaps that's because on Wattpad my stories aren't mature or inappropriate. But, that's 🤷 I have found that the best authors don't try to pursue the so called "best selling themes". Take Erin Hunter and J.R.R. Tolkien for example. Their works are entirely child friendly, unless you count the violence, that is😅
9435046
There is another reason, but I just have not yet introduced the main reason. It actually has nothing to do with what the guards thoughts said. Also, Discord had forgotten after 2,000 years that Topaz was not one you'd wanna anger. If he had remembered, he would't have let Topaz even hear his voice
Yeah it is a bit rushed, and I recommend some time editing and fixing around a little, certainly an interesting idea and read though!
I began reading this with the expectation that there would be errors in spelling, instead I see a chapter that can be rewriting into 6. So much information yet not enough when it comes to timing or detailing, really cringe'y for those who'v mostly read novel level works, is there anyway that you could maybe rework it(add more words) when you have time?
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