Devil in Me

Halo Rays has always tried her best to be an upright, honest and all around cheerful mare. On the other hoof... Santana Steele strings is her complete opposite. They only share one thing in common...a body.

Join us as we delve deep into this "modern" telling of a mare...and a monster. But who is who in "Devil in Me"?

Chapters (3)

Ch. I: Rise of a Hero/Birth of a Monster · 13th Oct 2018 · 1,032 words
1,032
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Ch. II: Conversations with a Monster/Conversations with a Therapist · 22nd Oct 2018 · 1,171 words
1,171
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Ch. III: Sienna+Halo=4evur · 22nd Nov 2018 · 1,300 words
1,300
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Comments ( 8 )

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Acoustic Pulse

Acoustic Pulse #1 · Oct 13th, 2018 · 1 · · Ch. I: Rise of a Hero/Birth of a Monster ·

I immediately thought of this song

Phoenix Heart 27

Phoenix Heart 27 #2 · Oct 13th, 2018 · 1 · · Ch. I: Rise of a Hero/Birth of a Monster ·

9229106
Ya wanna know something crazy? While this story was..."very loosely" based on Halsey's track Devil in Me, I was listening to this song while thinking about how this story was gonna go.

Acoustic Pulse

Acoustic Pulse #3 · Oct 13th, 2018 · 1 · · Ch. I: Rise of a Hero/Birth of a Monster ·

Actual feedback. My biggest pet peeve as a reader is repetition.

her as she doubled over in pain as her mane changed its length and color, her tail doing the same as she proceeded to groan in pain as she righted herself before slumping down into the sand. Her wavy molasses mane and tail blowing slightly in the wind as she leaned over and emptied the contents of her stomach into a small hole she absentmindedly dug with a hoof.

So many uses of the word as. Can anyone throw some variety in there?

She proceeded to or subsequently. This caused. Anything like that. So far, that's the only negative thing. Solid dialogue though. I'll still give it an upvote and track it for more.

Phoenix Heart 27

Phoenix Heart 27 #4 · Oct 13th, 2018 · 1 · · Ch. I: Rise of a Hero/Birth of a Monster ·

9229130
Only response: damn autocorrect changed my words around. The word that was supposed to be there (and I'm likely gonna fix that) is the word while.

Acoustic Pulse