Chapter 1
Author's Note (September 21st 2012):
After a couple of rereads I've decided I'm really unhappy with how I executed this chapter, mainly with the superfluous words and somewhat awkward prose. It pains me that this could be driving people away from reading the story, so I intend to edit this once I've settled down in Uni and whatnot. Until then I encourage you to disregard the 'clunkiness', as it's been called, with the knowledge that the next chapters will be better.
(In honesty I'm probably being overly critical of myself because of course I suck. Don't start reading thinking 'oh this is gonna be a struggle' or you'll be overcome by a placebo effect where you'll consider everything awful T^T)
Saddlebags? Check.
Quill and parchment in said saddlebags? Check.
Checklist checked? Check.
It was going to be a good day.
As one violet filly with a straight-cut purple mane adorned with a rebellious pink streak trotted cheerily out of the front door of her house, she was greeted by an older colt, white with blue and navy bangs, snickering good-naturedly in her direction.
"One older brother who presumably heard everything I just said?" Twilight shot him a menacing look coupled with a smile. Twilight had always liked to make mental lists of what she needed to do in the allotted time. They made managing her day easier, more logical. She liked logic. Logic made sense.
"Check. Checking your checklist off your checklist? Seriously?" Shining Armor teased, pulling his sister close for a hug and a mane-ruflle. "Twiley, you sound like a bureaucrat. Hey, a cutie mark in bureaucracy would actually be pretty cool! If you enjoy that sort of thing, anyway."
"The bureaucratic system is inefficient and broken; each department functions solely for itself, and does not consider the bigger picture. The system is all that matters, not the populace in any way. That doesn't work in a society as liberal as ours. And anyway, everypony knows the federal bureaucracy holds no legitimate power." the younger replied dismissively as she returned to her previous position, readjusting her mane purely by memory, making Shining Armor blink. As much as she wished to uncover her cutie mark, she had no intention of going into politics at all. On any level. "No, my destiny is with magic, it is the only logical answer."
"Is that right?" Shining Armor teased, eyebrows raised. "And what logic sports that theory?"
"Well, magic is... See, it..." Twilight blushed, looking at the ground. "it's the only thing I want." admitted the filly with quiet confidence. And it was; ever since witnessing the splendour that was the raising of the sun during the Summer Sun Celebration, something very powerful had clicked inside of her. Twilight knew her purpose in life. Twilight knew she was to become a powerful wielder of magic. No matter what.
"Well then, that makes total sense!" The colt grinned enthusiastically, infusing his companion with a bright smile. "You'll have an awesome magic cutie mark in no time! Why, I'd be surprised if you don't end up becoming Princess Celestia's personal protégé!" he claimed, swiftly earning him an ardent squeeze from a very happy sister.
"Thankyou, Shiny!" sounded the joyful reply after a brief moment, as the grip was relaxed and a more comfortable embrace opted for. Twilight didn't like getting so excited about things; it hindered her ability to make sound decisions, and was far too often followed by the contrasting feeling that was disappointment, but she couldn't help it when such subject matters cropped up.
"Heh, I should be thanking you for being such a great sister" he chuckled, hugging her back.
Ending the moment appropriately, the two made their way happily to the Royal Canterlot Library, one to further her expertise in the field of Magic, the other for entirely different reasons.
"So, where to begin?”
"I think practicing the ignition spell would be a good idea.”
"I do like that spell.”
The purple filly made her way to a familiar shelf and carefully levitated a familiar book from its familiar resting place and trotted neatly back to where she had been previously, resting on a cushion that was all too familiar.
"I believe this to be the final time this spell need be practiced.”
"Let's see."
Twilight had been visiting the library as often as she could ever since she witnessed the magical event that had triggered her ambition.
Opening the book instantly at the correct place, she had started reading before she could even see the page. The writing and images were ingrained into her mind. It was as if she were an old mare knowing every detail of her lover's face, down to the last freckle.
A swift moment later, she had a candle before her on the floor.
"Let's do this."
Twilight began to concentrate, feeling energy travel up from her stomach, through her head and into her horn. As it began to accumulate, she relished the feeling; power, her own natural energy, was moments away from released via the appendage atop her forehead. Its purpose: wilful manipulation of her surroundings.
Suddenly, she projected the energy she had collected so that it may fulfil the destiny she had assigned it. This is what she loved. This was her calling. This is what she was born to do.
Opening her eyes, her grin faded to be replaced with a thoughtful frown as she witnessed in what her actions had resulted.
A quickly-solidifying pool of what had once been a candle greeted her. Taunted her with its total meltedness, as if to punish her for some higher crime she had so ignorantly just committed. Or at least, that's what it felt like.
Still frowning at the harsh injustice, she retrospected to see where she may have made an error.
"I don't believe I made a mistake with the process. Execution was sound and without anomalies, if memory serves."
"I just don't know what went wrong. perhaps there is a book concerning this problem?"
Whenever there was something that was beyond Twilight’s understanding, the first place she turned was to a book. Books of fact had been written so that the knowledge contained inside could be intaken. Books of theory had been written so that opinion could be scrutinised and compared, in search of a conclusion. Books of fiction had been written so that ponies could be entertained. Books of information and warning had been written so that the reader didn't have to experience the potential hazards things for themselves.
If Twilight were to discover the reason for her failure, it would be in a book. She found books in the Library.
The Royal Canterlot library was famed across Equestria for its most extensive gathering of scribings from all around the world; from the cold reaches of the south to the lands where one may find Zebras, to right there in Canterlot. That in itself though presented a problem, that problem being that there were just so many books. Countless tomes lined the shelves of the Royal Canterlot Library, almost like the treasures of a Dragon’s hoard. Twilight’s haven of learning, one thing she considered the greatest of blessings had reminded her cruelly that it could also be a most burdensome curse.
Though little to the knowledge of the expansive collection, Twilight had a secret weapon. One that would aid her in her ever-raging war against her closest comrade.
"Hello again, Twilight! How can I help you today?"
The query came from a middle-aged unicorn mare, a kind face bearing slight wrinkles from years of smiling. Her mane was full and naturally white, resting agreeably atop her deep jasper coat. A cutie mark resembling a spellbound tome declared her to be the Royal Canterlot Librarian.
“Greetings, Mrs. Quill! I was wondering if you could help me locate a book I’m looking for?” The kindly keeper of texts knew every inch of her domain to the last ancient dust-covered work; her family having managed the Library for generations. She, Amaranth Quill, had been working there since she graduated, having been homeschooled there.
“Why of course, my dear. What is it that you require?” The mare headed automatically over to where the tomes of sorcery were organised, by now used to Twilight requesting one for study.
“Well, just a moment ago I attempted to again practice the ignition spell I have been studying, but the result was anomalous; the candle, instead of igniting at the wick, had melted in its entirety by the time I had finished my spell. Where would I be able to find information regarding such an occurrence? Perhaps, Magical Overactivity? Or Superfluous Energy while channelling one’s Spell? I imagine you understand.”
Never tiring of the young filly’s extensive knowledge and vocabulary, the Librarian chuckled at the request, taking Twilight somewhat aback; she hadn't felt that her request was a humorous one; in fact, it rather worried her that what she had thought was an un-problematic execution of instructions did not win her the desired results. Almost indignantly, she pouted and spouted, “I don’t understand, what’s funny? This is a serious problem!”
Realising her poor choice of reaction, the librarian made sure to swiftly redeem herself; “Oh no, I'm sorry dear, I wasn’t laughing at your lack of success, what made me laugh is that I had expected you to already know the answer to this.”
Upon hearing this, Twilight’s expression quickly changed from mild irritation to one of hurt. It becoming clear that she had again made a mistake in her communication, Amaranth made a mental note to revisit her collection on basic conversation between ponies, after banging her head against a wall several times.
“–WHAT I meant was, I’m surprised you haven’t encountered this problem already, my dear.” Oh mane, this wasn’t going well. “I’m impressed, if anything! Most wielders of magic make this mistake early on, and considering the intensity of your study thus far, for you not to have hit this hurdle means you’ve kept a very level head during your practice. You must be taking this very seriously and rationally.” To her relief, Amaranth saw the filly’s face again alter, this time to a calmer look, a small smile hinting pride.
“Anyway, I think I may be able to answer your problem for you, without the need for a book” The mare smiled as the filly beckoned with her silence to continue. “Tell me, what happened exactly when you were attempting the spell?”
“I don't mean to be rude, but I've done this already; I’ve reviewed my actions and have deemed that they were carried out to the book.” Twilight explained, trying not to sound impatient. The mare smiled, expecting this answer.
“I can imagine,” A chuckle laced her reply. “But what was going through your head during? Did you think or perhaps feel anything that you hadn’t before when practicing the spell?”
Twilight paused in thought, before responding, “Well, I guess I was more excited than I usually am. See, Shiny and I had been talking earlier and he told me I was going to be the Princess’ personal protégé!” squealed the filly, jumping up in excitement. The mare relished the innocent belief that this sister held in her brother’s kind words. After a moment of silence, with the Librarian staying mute to give her companion time to figure it out, realisation suddenly filled the filly’s eyes.
“...so that’s why it happened? Because I got excited?” Amaranth nodded, pleased that Twilight had reached the correct
conclusion. “So, just as excitement can cause one to act eccentrically during conversation, it can cause one to overcompensate when channelling magic?
“And I suppose that also means that other strong emotions effect magic similarly as they do conversation, too?”
The Librarian was startled by the young filly’s progression. For one so young to possess such a sensibly objective frame of mind was astounding. “Yes, actually, an impressive educated guess. I assume on the basis that you so fleetingly achieved this conclusion that you have also theorised a remedy for this conundrum? It is one that I am sure you will have no problem with” Amaranth added, feeling a compliment was due.
Twilight nodded, and answered as if on cue. “To stop these occurrences, I shall need to renounce my emotions forever!”
Startled, Amaranth paused and blinked, at loss for what to say. She had not expected that. “No, not quite that far, my dear. One needs only to make sure that one is fully focused when they are committing to their magic. One must be objective.” She stressed the final word.
“...I see. Well, that makes sense, too. It’s just, recently I’ve not been able to help myself notice that emotions in general impair one’s sound decision making, amongst other things, so I have been musing the idea of renouncing them entirely. This new information only adds to the pros of putting into action said plan.” Twilight looked up thoughtfully, genuinely considering her large proposal to herself.
“Twilight, dear,” Amaranth caught herself, not a clue how to approach this farcical proposition. She had not yet gotten to this stage with her own daughter, and she hoped she would never have to. Though Twilight was, in some ways, beyond her years, she held yet much youthful naivety. That, and that she was so quickly confident in her verdicts, was a dangerous mix.
“If you feel you need to try that, then I of course won’t stop you. Although if I may, I will advise highly against it. Though the theory may seem sound on paper, I predict that in practice it will not work as well as you hope; it will likely affect those around you negatively, namely your friends.” She finished her sentence with a hint of question, and it was a question she had been yearning for the answer to for a while. For as long as Twilight had been visiting her Library, she had only ever come alone or with her Brother, and even then she was ever alone while studying, except for when she was conversing with Amaranth herself. The librarian had sadly come to theorise that Twilight was either without friends, or just spent no time with them.”
“Oh, don’t worry, I've carefully been through every scenario I can think of in my head, and I see that it will be manageable, if not helpful. It shall not affect my friends at all, for I have none, so there is to be no problem in that area.” Her question was answered, though unexpectedly brightly. Confused, the cardinal mare queried further. “Not to be unintentionally offensive, but does that not bother you at all, dear?” It was now the amethyst filly’s turn to look confused. “No, not really,” she replied, in thought. “I’ve never had friends. I guess I’ve never given it much thought. Should I have friends?”
Not wanting to answer the filly’s rather heart-wrenching question bluntly, Amaranth instead opted for a different approach, which would hopefully also kill two parasprites with one trombone.
“Did you know I have a daughter, Twilight?” the librarian asked gently, hoping that the filly would understand that she was going somewhere with her redirection.
“No, actually I didn’t, Mrs. Quill. She must be young if she’s not started helping out in the Library yet.” Twilight was aware of the Quill family legacy.
“Well actually, she’s about your age.” Replied the librarian meekly. “She has sadly not taken to books with the same enthusiasm that all before us in our family have. In fact, she seems to hold no love for them at all.” With a sigh, Amaranth did not try to hide her disappointment. She loved her daughter dearly, but it pained her greatly that her only child deviated from her heritage so.
Relinquishing her self-pity, the Librarian continued. “I was thinking, perhaps you two could get to know each other, perhaps become friends?” Trying to get her daughter more interested in her legacy was the aim, but she did feel genuine sorrow and concern that Twilight had yet to connect with another as a friend, and therefore guilt for using this opportunity for her own ends.
“Yeah… I think I’d like to try that” The more violet of the two frowned, as if wondering whether she wanted to sample a strange looking dish.
“How about you two meet here tomorrow afternoon, at twelve? You can go out for lunch together, maybe.” The crimson mare let her lips curl in dual happiness at the thought, earning her a smile and a nod from the other.
“Tomorrow it is, then. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a wick to ignite.” Cheerfully, the filly trotted off in the direction from which she came, but not without stopping to turn to her most recent partner in conversation to say “Thankyou, Mrs. Quill.”
Unsure of for what exactly she was being thanked, Amaranth responded, a motherly smile upon her face, with, “It’s my great pleasure, Twilight Sparkle.” A grin flitted across her face as she added “And please, call me Ama."
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The writing probably improves towards the end, as I was still finding my bearing initially (and I actually wrote the first bit in Notes on my iPod, not fun). Constructive criticism is most welcome, and I hope reading this does not result in any trauma, mental or otherwise.
Enjoy the show!
Silly Twilight, humans have been outlawed from Equestria due to the excess of Mary Sues!
1011525 *shifty eyes* I don't know what you're talking about
You have a potentially interesting premise here, but your execution needs a lot of work. Good luck mate :)
1012065 That's exactly what I wanted to hear. Thankyou
What exactly needs altering, though? I know it's a little off, but for the life of me I can't critique my own work. I think I need to make a plan before I start writing, it's been very improvised thus far (not the events, the actual writing)
1012105
that's what i get for opening my mouth. hooookay, gimme a sec.
,,,
Okay, so just on skim:
Dialogue tagging is off. See the Editor’s Omnibus at EQD. (Just google it)
Ellipses have a space after them unless beginning a sentence… and they always have three dots, no more… no less.
Em dash and hyphen confusion. Em dashes are for appositive splits or interruptions, hyphens are used to link compounds.
You’ve systemic issues with awkward phrasing. Lines like this “frowned in ponderance” are what I’m talking about. It’s clunky, and harms the flow of your narrative.
—
Right. If you genuinely want to improve your writing and understand the value of honest, critical feedback, then you can head over the ponychan’s /fic/ board. There they offer reviews of fiction, and will help coach you into becoming a better writer. Cheers mate!
1012114 Haha, sorry for being a nuisance. The awkward phrasing bit was what I really needed to know, when reading back through I could tell something felt clunky, as you so well described it, but I couldn't figure out exactly what. I think I know how to remedy it, I'll give it a shot. I did actually mean to use an em dash, I just forgot/was too lazy to fetch the alt code for it, haha. Using two dots as a sort of modded ellipsis that's meant to sound shorter than an actual ellipsis pause is something I've gotten into a habit of using, one that I will strive to break for the good of all that is grammatically correct!
I'll check out Editors Omnibus and ponychan's /fic/ board, thanks for pointing me there. And thanks for the effort you've put into helping me improve this, even if it was just your politeness making you do it
1011525
to pin on to his comment i found this too
"been written so that people could be entertained."
1013191 Haha, thanks. Just ctrl+f'd 'people' and didn't find anything else, and then 'person' for that to be ok too.
1013210Oh yeah?
1013580 I'll let you enjoy pointing out and laughing at errors if I can get sneak peaks of your Dusk Shine story before it gets uploaded. Fair deal?
Or alternatively I could borrow you for the next chapter. And then the one after. And then perhaps for the rest of my life.
I look forward to more. :)
Cute so far! I like stories that feature Twilight in her early youth. Hope to see more from you soon!
This looks like it will be fun.
I like it. 20 bits says the daughter is Cadance.
I want to like it, but as you stated at the beginning the prose was so thick that I, honestly, just couldn't read it. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, though, and hope that you fix it up some. Your ideas are fantastic, it's just the execution that bothers me.