- Member Since 6th Oct, 2016
- offline last seen Sep 10th, 2023
Mackstack
Horse words are the best words.
Mackstack
Joined 6th Oct, 2016 ·
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I've read part of this chapter somewhere days or weeks ago. I think in the Derpibooru comments.
This is a fun read. Hope to see more soon.
9201464
It was the companion story for this one, actually (the rest of the chapter covers its sequel, which never had a story of its own until now).
9201504
Me too. I can't wait to read about how Sweetie ends up in the position shown in the cover picture (and beyond that, to see her thoroughly broken down as Rarity's subservient pet).
I didn't realise this was connected to those other two pics...
This will get interesting...
Alright, so here's the thing that's irritating me; it's obvious that you're self inserting into Sweety.
It's obvious because, rather then spend effort giving Rarity any sort of motivation you just had her vaguely muttering about...Give me a second to find exactly what it was..."ungrateful foals", "that attitude", "Little fillies like you aren’t supposed to be doing things like this on your own!”, "I wanted us to reach an agreement like civilized ponies." and (and this one here is my favorate in how pitiful it is) "the way things are meant to be between siblings now.".
It almost seems like she's just going through the motions because she thinks she should? Because she isn't making any choices about her actions? Like she was being told what the situation was, and how to react to it, and what those reactions should be if she was doing it right, and she was sort of just going along with it along with it; not even becasue it was getting her what she wanted, but becasue it was the course of action she was set to commit/belief she was set to opperate under to by default.
I don't know why you couldn't think of anything better; maybe you were just unable to bring yourself to get out of the mindstate of the other charactor? Becasue you can't grok what makes people want another sculpted to be a instrument/vessel of their intended beliefs and desires? Theories; tangents; moving on.
My point being that there just doesn't seem to be any realistic motivation behind the change of conditions your charactors seem to be instigating/experiencing, which makes it difficult to immerse ones self into for anyone who knows even mearly the basics of even just contract theory, much less any of the more intensive studies of motivations, decision making, prioritization, and power dynamics.
Other then that this seems like a well writen story with well writen charactors and experiences, a well put together setting, and a premise with lots of potential, so i should hope that you find yourself improving in this aspect of your ability as a writer so that i would be more able to enjoy the product of your efforts.
Well then, up to the playdate!
I wonder what kind of games they will play...
Why was she mad Sweetie couldn’t orgasm? Rarity has that spell where she couldn’t without verbal permission, which I don’t believe she gave. So. What?
breeding eh? hope we see some of that soon
9216840
I think its more that she embarrassed her master by showing her reluctance at being a pet where her master's friends could see and comment on.
I'm a simple man. I see Sweetie Belle and Rarity pet play, I insta like + fav.
And one day Cookie Crumbles arrives and takes a pet of her own (Rarity), asking an experienced pet (Sweetie) to train her...
And then it's payback time!
9208043
Or maybe it's just a smut fic for the sake of smut where Rarity doesn't really need a reason?
Either way,
/r/iamverysmart
9234468
>Rarity
>post mentions self inserting onto Sweetie
Do you even read?
great story! I hope there's a sequel
9241983
Do you?
9241983
You...you do realize that the PoV changes between them every so often right?
9234468
When your entire arguement can be boiled down to "the author wasn't even trying to put any plot there", based on how much plot you were seeing them manage to put there, you end up being somewhat...Insulting, for a lack of a better term.
The first chapter had been amusing, but this is starting to go downhill way too steeply. Rarity unleashing some sadistic tendencies perhaps? Will Rarity break Sweetie in, or will she break their relationship I wonder. Going by the theme of the story I suspect the former.
Man I really wanna see a sequel to this, or maybe an anthology series with all the different ponyvile residents
9202076
I see your point, I hope there will be more stories like this one(rainbow and Applejack are the next on the list)(Scootaloo and Applebloom respectfully.)
After reading the story it seems my idea was a bit pre-mature, it will still work but as a sister story and not a sequel. The plan if the author goes for it is that every part in this story will link to one in the sister story (happens around the same time as X the show.)
This is the start of a new universe that I hope will get more stories in the future.
Yes, I know the show and by extension the fandom is slowing down come 2020 but I think we can still work the stories in as a way to show that FiM can stand the test of time.
9250641
Or the training of the other two cmc
I would love to see the training process of Apple Bloom and Scootaloo as spinoffs
... Or Diamond Tiara
The sad part is what happens when Sweetie Belle grows up? Or the other foals? Your going to see a very messed up society as a entire generation or three will literally be unable to care for themselves.
9244555
Do you need a link to pornhub? There's a few million videos there. Go and talk about how simple their plots are. Say how the plumber is doing a poor job fixing the sink. Or the pizza is cold.
So many views but no comments?
Uhm….Here in the USA, that would be WILDLY illegal.
EQ laws are obviously different, but wouldn't Cheerilee report this behavior to someone?
9549603
It's porn, logic isn't expected.
9547590
Look at the Chapter dates and the full story release date. Releasing a story all at once nearly always results in little to no comments per chapter.
9583639
True, you read it for the Plot, not the plot
Hentai.
This is really starting to scare me. I wouldn’t mind if this was willingly but since it isn’t it seems like sexual assault.
i would love to see a sequel
Oh damn I wish I could read more about the games, that dash is playing with scoots ..and the other wonderbolts~
I love this more and more ~
I want to read more about the breeding~
It's... Okay.
I definitely cannot say it's an enjoyable read, but I can't say it isnt either.
My issues stems from a lack of Pacing and development. The writing is great, the plot is interesting (I was actually hooked by the first chapter) but once it actually got to it, I started skimming. A lot, actually. At first I felt I was being unfair, so I went back but I just couldn't get immersed.
Again, it's not bad, it's just not great either. Sadly it's just fetish porn, but I really wish it was more. I feel like it could have been better. Regardless, Ill give it a 2*/5*. No review for this one, I couldnt read enough of it to give it a fair review.
Mmm. I don't think the breaking is done right. If the victim isn't willing, and doesn't want to be willing, but so desperately wants something out of submitting, it doesn't result with a total brain switch. It ends with self-loathing and shame, shame for loving that which comes with pain and shame and punishment, and there's always a little of that left. No matter how long, how much positive and negative reinforcement, it won't ever feel right for them to just start unabashedly loving it with no other feelings. It's especially unbelievable after just a few weeks. I can see Scootaloo taking to that attitude with Rainbow easily, but a defiant Sweetie would get depressed and do the motions out of fear and obligation.
Sorry if this is a bit nitpicky, but in my porn I still like everything to make internal sense. The characters can be OOC, but they should be consistently OOC.
Asides from characterization though, the writing in this story is quite good, if a bit fast-paced. Props to your prose.