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Jake is given the opportunity of a lifetime when the technology to bring him to Equestria arises. He will be chosen at random to become one of the ponies in a virtual representation of Ponyville. Will everything go as planned? Or is there something deeper to it all?
A different take on a HiE fic, these humans will become ponies from the show.
Rated T for adult humor/references.
Is this story going anywhere?
Is this going to be a story about characters with hopes, aspirations, fears, and flaws, who undergo conflict grow as people, or is this just going to be more empty, wish-fullfilment fantasy full of Mary Sues that's totally devoid of any sort of drama? Because right now, it looks like the latter.
I don't know anything about the characters. All I know is that a bunch of people are going to abandon their lives to live in a presumably artificial fantasy world. A guy telling his family to go fuck themselves so he can live in a fake dream world is kind of a big deal, and I don't think you're really examining the implications of what's happening here. I'm not saying that this plot is necessarily bad, but I think you're glossing over some pretty important points, possibly to get to the "Wheee! I'm a pony and now life is perfect!" part. It seems like Jake is just doing this on a whim.
Just my two cents.
"Smiled" is not a speaking verb. Also, after speech without additions (!/?), place a comma if description of how it is said is used after. There's a few other problems with punctuation throughout.
This is rather original, but the protagonist's feelings are more than a little far-fetched. One might be enthusiastic about going to Equestria in the form of a pony (actually, I wouldn't be super-excited, but would definitely try it if no risk was involved), but this is out of place. People have families, and families matter. Very, very few actual bronies would consider giving up their entire lives to live in a body that was not their own, with no way to return. Why? Because that's insane.
'Equestria, unlike Earth, was a place that was truly good. No one would pass that up.' WOAH, BACK IT UP. That's quite an unrealistic view of our world. For every 'bad' thing, person or object, about our Earth, there are five--or even more--good things or people on it. Earth is a good place, it's hard to explain why, but the fact still stands; Earth is a nice place for humanity to live. And don't pull the 'people are bad' card; you're a person too.
Cut the misanthropy and make the protagonist's decision more logical, and work on your dialogue, and I'd have far less to pick on here.
Ok. I will admit that this "Prologue" chapter is more of an introduction to what is going on than anything.
Most people on this site are here to read about the adventures/conflicts of MLP characters. Having 4 chapters of Jake's conflicts with Earth would be a bit much in my opinion, so i wanted to let readers get to the Equestrian action ASAP.
Future chapters will include events going on between both of the worlds. I plan on touching up on back-story as the characters develop, but i wanted them to develop in Equestria as opposed to Earth. To me that seems more interesting.
I also acknowledge that Earth is a pretty good place. But i'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever wanted to go to Equestria
I don't know what "Living the Dream" is, but i can assure you, this story has a plot. I know where its going, i know where it ends, and I hope that i can provide an emotional experience for everyone who reads this.
This is not a "Im a pony, everything is amazing" fanfic. The Slice of life and Tragedy tags will prove to be functional.
Sorry if i come off a bit rant-ish. I take all of my critiques into consideration and i hope you and Pascal will find what you are looking for in this.
>>1007196 But one of the most important parts of storycraft is making sure all plot elements make sense or are explained well soon after their introduction. Giving up everything you own, most of your friends, your entire family, and just about everything else you know is not a logical decision, and would require a gigantic amount of decent explanation to justify well. What it looks like, to be bluntly honest, is a half-assed way of going 'here's a character, he wants to go to Equestria. Here, now he can go to Equestria, but he can't come back, but he's going anyway. He jumps at it like a dog for beef jerky.' In doing so, he, like the dog, completely disregards any and all things other than the jerky in question. It's like the jerky's over a pit of lava and he just jumps for it. Reckless, inexplainable, rediculous. That was my mean side. I'm sorry. My advisory as to how to do this better? Have the protagonist(s) (those going in) not be told that they can't come back. That'd make the decision entirely reasonable.
>>1007319 This'd better be good, it's going to take more than a little to fix that issue.
Regardless of how mean I know I sound, I'm a nice guy, really, and I write stories kind of like this too, I'm only trying to help you avoid the innumerable pitfalls that this genre just can't crawl out of. Here to help.
Hmm. Well, certainly I respect an author who is willing to respond to criticism.
Like Orange said, people like us aren't trying to be assholes or elitists. Hell, I write shitty trollfiction. I just want you to know that you're playing with fire. I see people like Spark saying "A very creative twist on the Brony in Equestria story," and I don't want you to get complacent with this story, because it isn't.
I'll give this fic a chance. If you can give me a story with interesting characters that have real drama, then I'll fave you, brohoof you, and have your babies, because that is a creative twist on the brony in Equestria story.
It's a pretty good start so far. I really like that the girl wanted to be a boy, mostly because it never happens in these type of stories.
Although I did notice one thing: "It's like having 4 legs." I'm pretty sure that should be spelled out.
Other than that, nothing else popped out to me. So anyway, I'll say it again. Thank you for making a non-cliche human in Equestria story.
-SoI
Seriously; you must use some kind of time magic to make such good chapters in one day.
"Must be instinct or something."
Yes, instinct indeed. 
...
I'm kind of glad you didn't go with the obvious song reference right away.
~You spin me right round baby
Right round like a record baby
Right round, round, round~
...
Not bad. Not bad at all.
What else ya got? 
Hmm. 
The quality of writing is well above competent, which is more than I can say for more HiE's and fics in general. It's clear that you're putting some effort into this, so good job there.
Not interested in the story thus-far, though. Maybe it's just not my cup of tea. I might check back again later.
I couldn't help but notice that you haven't added the fact of Vinyl not wearing her glasses yet 
This some what puzzled me as to why you would leave it out since so many other fan fictions at least they made it that Vinyl wore those glasses quite frequently, especially out in the public.
>>1114780 Not really. I think I appreciate the diversity, surprise, and sophistication living as is could provide, including this very story, and the ideas behind. I doubt I'm in a tiny minority that think so.
On the story: You have me hooked. On the other hand, it seems terribly irresponsible and unethical for a broadcaster to conduct mind-uploading-for-your-viewing-pleasure. I can't help but constantly ask 'whoever in the government green-light this?' throughout, and wonder if there are more severe repercussions in the 'reality'.
EDIT: After skimming the rest of the chapters, it seems not to be my cup of tea either, maybe it's the pacing coupled with too much slice-of-life for my taste? I see that the story seems to be on bits of a hiatus, but I might return to check shall more changing developments ensue.
Yeah... Real nice... But with that tragedy tag looming, I think I already know where this is going a mile away.
They are stuck for good in Equestria. Or will be at some point, made in permanent marker, signed by none other than Nightmare Moon herself. And somehow, I have my doubts that the other players are in there...
Or they have been completely brainwashed to their respective roles.
First they will forget their names, then slowly lose any memories of their human life.
Then, nothing will be left but the original Vinyl and Octavia.
Now that is some Nightmare Fuel that can burn all day and night long without stopping.
I like this story. I think it's great that you've given us a couple of well-developed characters with their own histories and feelings, and the interaction between them, and the relationship developing between them, is all good. However......... I hope you don't neglect the great setting and underlying concept that you've set us up with. The virtual world still needs to be explored.
A wonderful story.I really enjoy the twist on this MLP/Earth scenario.I really hope to see more chapters really soon.Also i wonder if whoever pinkie pie is can see outside to the real world.That would be cool and believable strictly in a sc-fi sense of course.:)I will definitely give this story a thumbs up.
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES 
I may have gotten a bit carried away... 
Still! My point stands! You receive all of my upvotes (which sadly amounts to one 
)! I absolutely love this story. Few (if any) mistakes with grammar/spelling, original premise, excellent shipping pair, character development, the list just goes on! This story has pretty much everything I look for in a story. I am definitely looking forward to your next update.
I vaguely remember somewhere you saying this is your first fanfic, so have some friendly advice.
Whenever you have two separate characters in a scene with dialogue, separate the lines between person.
IE: “If you were like other girls, you wouldn’t be you. You shouldn’t have to change who you are to be important to someone.” Vinyl stated. Octavia narrowed her eyes. “It doesn’t matter what I shouldn’t have to do. The world doesn’t work that way.” She sounded pissed.
would become
“If you were like other girls, you wouldn’t be you. You shouldn’t have to change who you are to be important to someone.” Vinyl stated.
Octavia narrowed her eyes. “It doesn’t matter what I shouldn’t have to do. The world doesn’t work that way.” She sounded pissed.
This makes it much easier for the readers to differentiate between speakers, since the way we are conditioned usually means that the first name we read in a vocal sentence, is the name we attach to the sentence. A lot of time, any other names are completely ignored when relating to dialogue.
Just a hint from your friendly neighbourhood Arbiter.
(I think I might start signing my name like that... thoughts?)
Edit: And I completely forgot to complement the story. For your first fiction, I would like to say this is incredibly well done. I would also like to say it's original, but unfortunately, another fic has a really similar setting. This is of course, probably coincidence since they were both released close to each other, but still.
Good grammar, good spelling, could work on the prose (as I've already mentioned), but other than that, really good.
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IT was written so well.loved it so much
Image: http://img.ponibooru.org/_images/a4002a8048c1ac85050394de8a715c0a/75652%20-%20are_you_a_wizard%20meme%20The_Great_And_Powerful_Trixie%20Trixie.jpg
and maybe if she isn't a computer 
.
SO HEARTWARMING!
How could you change the one of the Mane 6?
I mean, how can Rainbow Dash be cool if there's someone inside of her who isn't?!
Where's the TARDIS when you need her?
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