Snowed In- Chapter Six
Rainbow had awoken many a different ways throughout her life. However, never in her life had she been awoken by the sweet whispers of a lover, a gentle kiss upon her lips, and the lingering smell of bacon in the air. That is, until now. If the athlete had to choose her single favorite morning of all her life, this would have been that morning.
"Mornin', sunshine," Applejack jabbed a finger against Rainbow's cheek, the latter girl rolling into a more comfortable position on the farm girl's bed. AJ spoke with a gleeful chime in her voice that sent chills up Rainbow's spine. "C'mon, darlin', rise 'n shine!"
Applejack sat at the head of the bed, continuing her poke assault against Rainbow's cheeks as the sporty girl struggled against her half-heartedly, unwilling to open her eyes. After several minutes of constant assault, however, Rainbow finally gave in, turning to face her friend. If you can't beat em', join em', right? In this case, get them to join you. Reaching up and wrapping her arms around AJ's neck, Rainbow pulled the farm girl onto the bed beside her.
"See, Apples?" Rainbow giggled. "Isn't that comfy? Don't you just wanna go back to bed again? Just a few more minutes?"
"But Rainbow," Applejack placed a light kiss on Rainbow's cheek. "The bacon will burn."
One of Rainbow Dash's eyes slid open and fell upon Applejack's bright pearly smile. In the early morning light she was even more beautiful than Rainbow remembered.
"Bacon?"
"Bacon."
All traces of sleep forgotten, Rainbow tackle-hugged Applejack out of the bed and onto the cabin floor. "Oh, how did I ever get by without you?" Dash squeezed the hug tighter, receiving a light squeak from AJ, before letting go and allowing the farm girl to get to her feet.
Applejack stepped away from the bed-haired Rainbow Dash and towards the doorway into the hallway, a slight sway to her step, no doubt on purpose. "Now Rainbow," Apples glanced back just before exiting the homely bedroom. "Don't keep me waiting long." With a quick wink the golden-haired beauty disappeared into the kitchen.
Despite the allure of bacon, it still took Rainbow several wide armed stretches and yawns before she gathered enough will power to push herself from the somehow really comfortable floor. Getting up, though, was not the hard part. The hard part was locating her bra in the mess of a room. Pillows and blankets decorated the floor like little lights on a Christmas tree, and if she didn't know better Rainbow would have thought a tornado had hit the room the previous night.
"Dammit."
Rainbow began picking through the mess. The best she could find was her shirt. Luckily, her pants didn't get far. Despite the chilly air nipping at her exposed forearms, Rainbow thought it would have to do for now. Giving up, she began to make her way towards the living room.
Before Rainbow even made it to the hallway she was hit by a wave of senses that could have taken her off her feet, were she not so excited to get to Applejack's side again. The sizzling and popping of eggs and bacon as they cooked to a golden perfection, and delicious scents that filled all of Rainbow's thoughts. It was perfect. Rainbow couldn't have imagined any way that it could get better; that is, until she saw Applejack.
She stood with her back to Rainbow, humming happily as she danced about the kitchen, experimenting with spices and performing a cooking art that Rainbow could never really understand. Applejack wore her standard cow-girl blue jeans, and signature Stetson hat, but instead of a button-up plaid shirt she had a simple light t-shirt thrown over her slim frame. Dashie liked what she saw. And then she noticed the music.
From the radio, sitting on the kitchen counter, came a simple melody that seemed to be winding to its end. Applejack turned, granting Rainbow a bright smile before the song ended, and a familiar voice spoke up.
"Th- this just in…" the radio spokesman's voice was shaky. "Killer in the mountains. Stick around after the next song for more on our prime story of the hour; the police department comes clean with details of wanted man- one Montgomery Ravest- patrolling the Equestrian mountain range."
And then, without hesitation, the next song began accompanied by a slight static.
An ominous silence filled the room as Rainbow and Applejack made eye contact, a certain farm girl's smile completely wiped away. The silence quickly found a new home inside the small family cabin, whilst outside the wooden walls the blizzard continued its assault. Rainbow Dash would have given her left arm if only to break the silence; however, when finally a noise- a turning of a doorknob from the guest bedroom- split the air, Rainbow quickly realized how much she missed the beloved quiet.
With a high pitched screeching, the guest bedroom door began to open, in an agonizingly slow fashion.
. . . . .
Not a word had been spoken for quite a while in the large van. The constant assault of snow and wind made up for the silence. Even in the early morning sunlight it was a struggle to see where they were going, though Rarity was sure they were still on the road, as they had not hit a tree yet. To either side of the large jeep a wall of forest towered high, the trees unfaltering in the blizzard. Under different circumstances, maybe, the scene could be considered beautiful; peaceful even. Under different circumstances, maybe the four friends wouldn't have been so worried about what lay in wait for them.
Twilight was lost in her thoughts. Rarity was strictly focussed on the road ahead of her. Fluttershy was desperately trying to find distractions for herself in the white world outside the vehicle. Last, was Pinkie, and Pinkie, well, Pinkie Pie was just being herself. One moment she was quietly contemplating something to herself, the next she had shot up from her seat, her large Pin eyes widening in horror. Only Fluttershy seemed to notice.
With a barely audible 'eep' Fluttershy shied away from the girl seated beside her. "Pinkie?" Flutters whispered. "Are… are you alright?"
Twilight, broken from her concentration at the sound of Fluttershy's voice, eyed the rear-view mirror to see what was going on. Pinkamina Pie was sitting straight up, and even her usually puffy cotton-candy hair seemed to have straightened out more than Twilight had ever seen before.
"Pinkie?" Twilight ditched the mirror and turned in her seat to get a better view of her strange friend. "What's the matter?"
Pinkie ignored Twilight and Fluttershy all together, directing all attention to the large Jeep's driver. "Rarity!" the easily excitable girl leaned forward to get closer to the diva. "Speed up, now!
"What?" Rarity finally caught wind of the strange situation. "Pinkie, it is unsafe to be going as fast as we are now! Why would I-"
"Please!" Pinkie begged, her eyes morphing as if she were a starved orphan begging for a slice of bread. "Something is wrong, Rarity, we have to hurry up!"
Twilight's eyes darted between the faces of her friends as Rarity spoke again. "How could you possibly know-"
"Please." Pinkie's demeanor melted into sulking, her eyes watering and lip shivering as the first tear streaked across a baby-smooth cheek.
Rarity was considering the statement heavily, but as the storm continued to grow worse her instincts argued against her reasonability. Silence had fallen over the group of friends, and Twilight could only watch in horror as Pinkie fell into a shell of fear, shaking as if she were about to face her own death. There was no time for considering options, though, not when the lives of their friends were on the line. Besides, as Twilight recalled, Pinkie Pie's 'freak predictions' had never been wrong in the past.
Rarity, fully knowing that either option held both life and death in the balance, turned to Twilight for support. The knowledge-loving girl met her gaze, and with as serious an expression she could hold, nodded once. The jeep began to accelerate, and once again fell deathly silent.
"Don't' worry," Rarity whispered. "We'll be there soon."
. . . . .
The door knob turned, and Applejack and Rainbow Dash were still as statues as they watched the scene unfolding before them. As it turned, the rusty old thing gave off a slight squeak, though to the ears of the two girls it sounded more like a dozen witches scratching their nails against chalk boards simultaneously, for hours on end. And then, as quickly as it started, the sound was gone; the door knob still. Rainbow let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding whilst Applejack's heart was beating into overdrive.
The silence did not last. After a pause, the door itself began it agonizingly slow opening, accompanied by the cracking of old, worn out hinges. To Applejack, the simple opening of the door was more terrifying than any other moment of her life to date, and as she watched she could feel her ribs tightening in her chest. Her legs shook as the form of a man began to appear behind the splintered wooden door.
And as the man finally revealed himself, two sets of eyes widened in horror at the sight, for it was not nearly what they had been expecting.
A man who's frame filled the doorway completely, and who need bend over slightly to avoid bumping his head on the way out. A man who's eyes were red with hate, and who's icy smile reflected a crescent moon in the midnight sky. A man who could crush either of them beneath his thumb, and laugh as they squirmed. A man who's bony fingers were wrapped tight around a long, jagged knife, and who had the intent to murder in his facial expression.
That's what they had both been expecting, but it was not what now waited before them.
Instead, still as a statue in the open doorway, was a stick of a man who seemed barely able to stand on two legs. He shook, violently, as he took a fragile and slow step onto the hallway carpet.
"Where…" The man's smoke colored wire-like beard parted slightly as he spoke. "Where am I?" With another step forward he stumbled before catching himself on the wall. "What has happened?"
The man then broke into a fit of coughing.
Rainbow stepped forward, some inner urge to help the man fighting to surface. "You…." He seemed so defenceless; so gentle, and harmless. "We…."
The man once again made a move to step towards the kitchen, but stumbled again, this time with no wall to catch him. Rainbow's thoughts screamed 'catch him' but her body refused to respond. To Rainbow's surprise, a certain cute farm girl somehow made it across the room in time to catch the man before he hit the ground.
"Careful, now," Applejack calmly spoke worriedly, allowing the man to prop himself against her shoulder and stand again. "You're still hut." She guided his steps forward past the table, shooting a sympathetic glance towards her rainbow-haired partner. She again spoke to the man in a hushed tone. "Come, sit down. I have breakfast prepared."
The man obliged, and upon reaching the table happily sunk into an old wooden chair. He spoke, shakily. "Thank you, miss. But where am I? Why am I here?"
Rainbow Dash, her body finally responding, found a place at the table opposite their guest as AJ hurried into the kitchen, and made eye contact with the man.
"We," Rainbow started, but paused to consider her wording as her eyes fell to the table. "We were actually hoping that you could tell us. We found you last night, bleeding an unconscious in the entrance way. We did what we could, but…" Rainbow looked up to find the man staring at her as if she had just told him that a loved one had cancer.
Rainbow lost track of her thoughts, caught off guard by the man's sudden heavy breathing and pools of tears forming in his eyes. At last, the man spoke, hushed and horrified.
"Where is my son?"
Rainbow's heart skipped a beat. Never had she seen such a heart breaking expression in her life.
Just then AJ returned from the kitchen, silently sliding three plates of food onto the table before lowering herself into the chair beside Rainbow Dash.
Applejack found Rainbow's hand beneath the table, delicately intertwining their fingers befre speaking. "Ah'm sorry. Ah'm so sorry." Applejack's voice began to falter, and Dashie gripped her fingers tightly. "We didn't- we didn't know…"
A tear fell from the farm girl's cheek. Then another. So much worrying, and fighting fear for nothing, when they should have been thinking of their guest, not themselves. How foolish could she have been!
"No," the fragile man shook his head, his eyes sympathetic as they met Applejack's. "No, no no. It is not your fault. You couldn't have known. I just- Where is my jacket?"
The question caught Rainbow off guard, but none the less, she answered. "Hanging by the door, why?"
"I'll be right back." The man quickly pushed himself away from the table and stood, making his way towards the door. Lost in thought, neither Applejack nor Rainbow Dash noticed his sudden ability to walk without the slightest stumble, or hitch to his step. Instead, they only saw a quick chance to speak to one another about their developing situation.
"You're right," Applejack whispered to Rainbow. "He can't possibly be the murderer.
"Guilty until proven innocent," Rainbow mumbled back. Despite the man's appearance and demeanor, Rainbow still felt uneasy in his presence, though she couldn't place why. "We can't be too sure."
She could say no more, for the man returned quickly, falling back into his chair. He placed two items on the table; a hunting knife, and a worn leather wallet. At the sight of the knife both Rainbow and AJ stiffened.
"A gift," the man said, eyeing the knife. "Intended for my grandson… that is, before the accident." The man then reached for his wallet, pulling out a photo and sliding it across the table. "This is him."
The image was the spitting image of a much younger version of the man.
"If I may ask," Applejack said. "What happened?"
The question caught the man off guard, but he quickly went about answering it without hesitation. "I took him out into the mountains, camping, for his eighteenth birthday. Then the storm hit us. And then the bear…" he stifled a cry. "I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk about it."
Rainbow nodded cautiously, her chest tightening. It was time for the moment of truth.
"Of course," Rainbow smiled comfortingly. "We understand, Mr.…"
"Ravest," sighed the man, eyeing the table sadly. "Montgomery Ravest."
Applejack and Rainbow froze, recognizing the name immediately.
Montgomery looked up, his eyes begging for pity, but that quickly changed when he saw their shocked expressions. "What?" He asked, confused as the radio's current song came to an end. "What is it?"
However, the friends never got a chance to answer. As the voice of the radio returned, he answered for them.
"Hello dear listeners!" The voice chirped brightly, drawing Montgomery's attention. "I'm back with more on that killer in the mountains, one Montgomery Ravest! I have here with the police chief to answer some of your many, many questions."
All three of them froze; Montgomery eyeing the radio, and the two friends eyeing Montgomery.
"Well," Mr. Ravest spoke after a moment of awkward silence. "I guess the cat is out of the bag." He turned his eyes towards the girls. "Isn't that unfortunate."
It was strange, how quickly a man could change. One moment Montgomery was the perfect sob story; frail, sick, lost and confused, with a hunched back and a crooked walk. Then, in the blink of an eye, he was a small child's worst nightmare.
Montgomery's back straightened, revealing his full, towering height. A sudden air of confidence enveloped the man, his once stick-like limbs now seeming muscled, and powerful; agile, and young. His sad, teary eyes morphed into a crazed excitement, as if his whole life had been building up to this single moment, and his lips morphed into a wicked, blood thirsty crescent moon of teeth.
Montgomery's bony fingers inched across the table, wrapping around a very scary looking hunting knife.
With snakeish movement the man stood, stretched, and then whispered in the most blood curdling voice possible…
"Boo."
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Titties. Fuck. (In no particular order).
Something about this sentence just sounds odd. I think it's the "and Pinkie" part. The only other thing that struck me was the narrator swapping out their names for their nicknames.
SHITTTTT!!!!
Alright, that was... Yeah, wow. Alright, there was definitely good suspense here. I had to quickly look back at the previous chapters to make sure I didn't misread anything... and I didn't! Damn it Applejack and Dash; at least, Dash didn't let her guard down so easily "guilty until proven innocent!" I'd love to see where this goes... I mean really, that suspense!
1859864
Hahaha, thank you for your kind- and quite vulgar- words describing how you felt about this chapter :D Much appreciated ;P
And thanks for the short critique :) I'll see what I can do about the nick-name thing, but would it be possible for you to expand on what you meant by it?
1859866
Thank ya kindly for your comments :D correct me if I am wrong, but I get the idea that you found this chapter... suspenseful? and that, just maybe, you would like to see more soon? I dunno, I could be wrong. Aaaaanyway, if there is anything you think I could do to improve this story, or just my writing in general, I would love to hear! If not, glad I impress ya ;D
1859901 I don't know, for some reason it just didn't feel right having the narrator go from using their real names, to a nickname, and back. For somepony else referring to them that way in dialogue, it makes perfect sense but seeing it in narration stood out to me.
1859922
Awesome, and now that I think about it, that actually makes a lot of sense... Thank you for pointing it out to me :D Once I'm done the last chapter I'm gunna do a full edit of the whole story, so I'll add that to the list of things that I will look out for whilst editing! Thanks again, I really appreciate it :)
P.S.
I've already figured out how I'm editing / improving the first two chapters, and I'm already super excited about it XD Can't wait for you t' see em.
1859930 No problem! Can't wait for the next chapter...and now the rewrite!
Here's my advise: Grab the heaviest object at hand, and just start beating that son of a bitch till he stops moving.
Why this is simply, damn fine Watson damn fine.
Alas, I fear I must give the most useless kind of review/critique there is. A single word.
Perfection. <3
With the update today I read the whole story again and just can say that this is one of the best humazied fics I read so far
Criticism ? Can't find anything that wasn't mentioned in the other comments
What now? Write. Now. I will wait here. Got nothing else to do. NOW
Very Good i love the suspense, you do a great job of drawing the reader in and making them need to continue reading. Very well done indeed.
1859914 Darn, if only bookplayer or Tchernobog was here, either of them would give a lot better advice on writing that I would ever do I'm more of the punctuation or grammar corrector (if that makes sense). As for the suspense, yeah, it was! Darn my female emotions... I nearly bought Raven's story!
Y U CLIFFHANG!!??? The wait is going to kill me.
1860086
Good advice :P
1860289
Well thank ya kindly :)
1860703
Complements are never useless :) They are inspiring.
1860870
Thanks for tryin' anyways ;P and I'm so glad you love the story so much! It means a lo to me :)
1861714
Good! I love a good cliffhanger in a story, so I'm glad that I've become so used to writing them :D
1861815
Yeah, I wish one of those two would read my stories a give me some advice :(
1862003
Bwahahahaha your life is in my hands >;)
To all:
Thank you so much for reading, and for all of the support! I love ya all! <3
Oh..my god. Just...oh my god. I think I forgot to breathe at the end!! Wow. I'm loving this story!
1863006
Welcome to the club ;) I think I may be more in love with writing this story then most of my readers are with reading it... Glad to hear you like it as much as I do :D I hope I continue to impress you :)
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCKING FUCK. FUCKING FUCKA-FUCK.
Rarity and co. had better burst down that door immediately next chapter. That fucker needs a goddamn 9 mil. Straight to the head.
Curse you for getting me so goddamn hooked. Your cliffhnagers are nail-biters. In the worst way.
1864115
Haha, thanks for reading XD and remind me to never tell you where I live, in fear for my life... unless you are interested in becoming pen pals... cause that'd be kool :P
...And I don't wanna spoil anything or nuthin', but... Rarity is a slow driver ;P
Oh boy, an update (Edit: My god, this is a long comment)
Notes/critique:
Focussed - I checked this just to be sure, and while it's correct, I thought I'd mention it anyways for anyone who doesn't know. Seems like focussed/focused is another one of those British/American spelling differences. I've been seeing 'focused' all my life before fanfics, so it looked strange. Important to know those regional differences in English.
"Last, was Pinkie, and Pinkie, well, Pinkie Pie was just being herself." - I had to read this about three times before it made sense. I think you wanted something like" Last, was Pinkie, and Pinkie... Well, Pinkie was just being herself. The ellipsis is important there because it's a huge storm of commas in that sentence and it helps break things up and it makes the flow of the sentence feel more natural (while the revised one with the ellipsis helps, it still isn't totally satisfactory either). I think there are too many 'Pinkie' in that sentence. It's confusing, especially since everything is very short, and every bit is separated with a comma which makes it more difficult to separate things into the segment that they belong to. When I read it, I feel like the narrator is stuttering. My brain separates it into chunks like this "last, was Pinkie" "and Pinkie" "well Pinkie Pie was just being herself". The comma is essentially the smallest pause at your disposal. There are just too many small chunks separated by the same length of pause, so it's hard to separate it into segments with the proper emphasis.
Last was Pinkie, and Pinkie was just being herself - something like that would work too.
I know I've written way more than necessary about this, but it's helping me to solidify why it doesn't seem right for myself as well.
"you're still hut" - little typo. Couple other small typo/punctuation things, but I don't really want to list them all.
For the critique part itself - There's just something in general, but especially so in the scene with the murderer that feels kind of cheesy to me. Trying to read over parts to see what exactly it is that gives me that feel. I think it's a little bit in the dialogue/narration, but a bit more in the kind of non-sequitous descriptions.
For example, this sentence while describing the killers change in demeanor and presence: "Then, in the blink of an eye, he was a small child's worst nightmare." To me, it just feels kind of cheesy. The part where AJ starts crying as well.
I suppose that melodramatic is the word I'm looking for. Yeah, some bits just seem a bit dramatized like a soap opera, but I suppose it's just a matter of different styles. There's nothing wrong with it, it just isn't my favored style.
That said, I am enjoying your story and look forward to the next chapters.
Take it easy~
God damn cliff hangers! -_- I want moar!
1880152
Don't worry :D more is coming soon :) The next chapter is in the works right now :)
1879138
I like you :D As much as I love getting praise, I like getting criticism much more. I tell ya, every time you comment my day gets a little lot brighter :) Now then, on to business...
Thank you, again, for such an insightful critique! you give me stuff that I can work with to make my stories better, and I really appreciate that! Looking back on the chapter, I'd have to agree with you on many, (Actually, all) off the points that you made. As it is currently 3 in the morning, I am lacking the mental capacity to actually focus, and fix those scenes, but rest assured they will all be looked at, and worked on as to better this chapter. |As well, I will gladly take you advice into thought when revising the whole story as a whole, as well as my other original works not posted on this site and all future works! I know I'm repeating myself, but I just want to really drill in how much I appreciate your feedback!
Thank you, and I hope to continue to hear from you on my future works! <3
1880350
*Hides in the shadows* Soon..... :3
oh my god.. you have no idea how long i have been waiting to hear this chapter ..... i cant wait for the next one... I WANT IT NOWWW!!!!
if i were in rainbow or applejacks place, i would of flipped the freakin table on him and started jumping on it until it broke his ribs and back..... hehe... just sayin
1895853
Well I'm glad that you are enjoying my story so much :D I hope the next wait is much shorter ;)
AHHH!!! I've been reading this on fanfiction.net, and was soooo so so so glad I could find it on here, too Please update soon!
YOUR GIVING ME NIGHTMARES! NOW IM CRYING! How could your story be so good?
And then Applejack dropkicked him in the face!
Bacon?
Bacon.
Nearly pissed myself laughing at this!
2853724
I want to see that. Someone please draw a picture of Applejack drop-kicking a murderer in the face.