Everything is normal. Days are moving by without issue, everypony is having a wonderful time and nothing seems out of the ordinary. By all means, there should not be anything wrong, right?
That is what everypony believed at first, but now some are starting to ask questions. Something feels off, but no pony can quite describe it. Surely their minds are just playing tricks on them, but the ponies of Ponyville can not help but wonder whether something else is going on behind the scenes.
The six element bearers are not an exception to this, and as time goes by, they begin to recognize a connection between these strange events. Can they put a stop to whatever is going on, or is what they are dealing with far worse than they realize?
The following 16 stories will answer that question.
Things are coming faster
Dsaster I think you missed an I in there somewhere.
DISASTER. That is some ingenious work.
It kinda looked like who? Who?!?! Answer meeeee!!
I sort hope this isn't going where I suspect I might be going or that there is someone to intervene if there it is.
9130183
Intervene in what now? Sorry, I'm not sure what your comment means.
9130306
Well it sort of sounded like twilight might be planning to commit suicide to be with her friends in death or something.
You can has review!
It's very clever, but it would have been more moving if you'd focused on the emotional angle rather than trying to be clever. There's not an immediate hook, so it's hard to invest in the mystery. Still a good story, you can has favorite.
9281535
I understand, and will definitely work on that. Thank you for the comments and the support, its greatly appreciated!
Interesting...
I've always had an interest in stories that present a seemingly normal world that hides a dark secret beneath the surface. I feel there's a lot of potential to be exploited in that sub-genre. As much as I like it, though, I've noticed that most stories tend to rush the reveal, so you're never properly settled into what is supposed to be the, you could say, ordinary world before the rug is pulled from under your feet. It's a shame, really, because letting that sense of eerieness, of something being wrong, grow inside of the reader before it reaches its peak is one of the best sensations a story can elicit.
To your credit, you've done that quite well. A few chapters into the story, I was already stewing those feelings of uneasiness as I looked for anything that would tell me what was happening. I was really engaged in the story, and that's something that doesn't happen quite often, so you can take pride on that.
With that out of the way, I have to mention something negative.
I said you did a good job establishing the "normalcy" of the world before you start showing the machines behind the courtains, and I stand by that. That being said, had I not known that there'd be a payoff to the story, I would have stopped reading around the second chapter. It's expected of a story that tries to establish a Slice of Life feel, but that doesn't change that there's nothing happening in those first chapters. It isn't until halfway through the fourth chapter that something clicked in my mind and I said "Oh, I see. It goes deeper than I thought". And everything after that was great, because it kept building on top of the foundation established in those chapters, but it doesn't change that those first three chapters feel like pure filler. There's barely a hint of something going wrong in them, and they're mostly self-contained, with only minor references to an overaching plot, and that's this story's biggest flaw, in my opinion.
So, the real story is Twilight as the lone survivor of a meteor impact and she's creating a simulation of Ponyville to try and cope with the loss. and that's a great story. The surface story is the New Year's Party where everyone will be participating, which is also a good premise for what appears to be a Slice of Life.
The problem lies in that the first three chapters do little to further that plot. There are a few mentions of the party and what each of the girls will be doing, but other than that, the first chapter is Fluttershy and Rarity taking a train, the second one has Spike checking on Rarity, and the third one is Twilight and Dash flying around. Now, don't get me wrong, you've put some good hints and clues about what's really happening, but they're all wrapped up in this big ball of fluff that makes it all seem like filler to those who know there's something big coming, or just inane SoL vignettes to those who don't.
Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying they're bad, they're just the equivalent of having to eat a bowl of unseasoned rice before you can finally start your meal.
And I'm not saying the story would be better without them, because chapter four hits with the strength it does precisely because of the subdued preceding chapters, but I think the story as a whole would benefit if rather than three and a half chapters of not really much happening, it was only a chapter or two at most of the girls getting ready for the New Year's party before you're hit with the first big hint of something being wrong.
There's also the matter of what 9281535 mentioned. After the reveal happens, I expected you to go deeper into Twilight's grieving. The mare just lost everything, there's a lot to be exploited there, but just as you start to really squeeze the drama, she kills herself.
Still, even with all of what I said, this was a great read, and I'm happy I stumbled upon it.
9339199
You have no idea how happy and encouraged your words make me. Thank you so much for the response and your criticisms.
I definitely agree with the first few chapters being slow. I wanted to make it unassuming along with a few hints here and there, and build up to the whole New Years show because it was one of the parts that truly hammered in the fact that things are not normal, but I can see how in doing so, readers may become uninterested. As for the final chapter, impacting readers emotionally is something I still have difficulty with in my writing, so my apologies for that. Other than that, I'm glad you enjoyed it and I'll be sure to work on my flaws!
9339576
I'm glad you took it well, I always fear I'm being too rough.
That's a good idea, and I'd say you were almost there.
Take this as just a suggestion, because this story is your vision and not mine, but imagine if you'd taken the idea of the New Year's party and centered the first chapters entirely around that. The story starts and it's all about the girls getting ready for this party and how they all make preparations, and these serve as a self-contained story. However, you still include all the details and hints about something else going on in the background, but it stays there, in the background. The focus early on is kept on the party, it's only a few chapters in, when the reader already has this frame of reference for the story that you start doling out the big clues and you hit them with the slow reveals of what's really happening.
Again, it's just a suggestion, but I think it helps illustrate my point. With just a bit of narrative tightening, your story can improve so much more.
We all start somewhere, and with a start as strong as this, I look forward to what you'll produce next.
Keep it up, dear.
You have a bright future ahead of you.
Cheers!
Good story. I was engaged from the beginning and entertained the whole way through. At first I was thinking the opposite of what ended up really going on was happening. I thought maybe Twilight was dead/sacrificed herself and the others were hallucinating, in denial, etc.
I notice you call Twilight a unicorn several times in this chapter and last, but that should be an alicorn instead. Unless that's supposed to be a hint in itself?
Anyways, since you mention looking for oddities that slowly build up, here's what I've noticed...
Chapter 1 - Fluttershy has a hair on her shoulder
Chapter 2 - Twilight reading on pony psychology. Spike surprised Twilight knows he's been to Rarity's four times in a week.
Chapter 3 - Different teleportation noise. Twilight being sad being reminded of Rainbow Dash's first Sonic Rainboom.
You repeat the same paragraph three times in a row near the end of this chapter. Except the colours are changed, so that's pretty obviously deliberate...
Oh sweet, now the chapter titles are beginning to be corrupted.
9100544
unless he modified it later, it's the word 'alrIght'
While I don't have enough to quite deduce exactly what happened, I can guess the general direction. Something is affecting ponies mentally on a mass scale in Ponyville, interfering particularly with memories. Some ponies are suffering high temperatures. This may or may not be related to Rainbow Dash's Sonic Rainboom. Spike doesn't appear to be affected, which shouldn't be surprising since his brain biology would be different.
Oh dear...is Twilight messing with the time travel spell to prevent an impending meteor crash?
Well, I guess I was barking up the wrong tree a little, but I would have eventually gotten there. There's really only so many different types of endings these kinds of stories have, be it time travel, dimensional hopping, simulations, etc :P The whole books on pony psychology threw me off though, honestly.
The one thing I'm wondering here...in this chapter Twilight talks about ponies moving beyond their defined maximum boundaries. I assume Twilight's gone basically lunatic at this point and forgot that she was rummaging through everyone's houses. Which would probably also mean that it really was her who went to the schoolhouse to wave at the foals and then teleported away before Cheerilee could see her.