Tempest struggled to adapt to the situation she found herself in. It could have been a lot easier, or a lot harder, she had to admit to herself. Still, given she was a foal at the moment, she would have preferred to take her chances off the middle ground if possible. Sometimes, though, it seemed like everyone in the household was going out of their way to make things as enjoyable and headache inducing as conceivably possible...
Gru Papa...Papa was helpful enough, she had to admit...even if it did take some getting used to thinking of him that way no matter how easily it came at times. He seemed content to let her make her own way around when she tried to, only stepping in when she couldn't handle herself or when she was on the verge of losing her temper and obliterating something. The one drawback to being so young physically was lacking the adult emotional control she used to have. Losing her temper and throwing a fit happened much more easily and far faster than she liked. Still, Papa seemed quite adept at spotting the building temper flares - even if he was on the opposite side of the house on a completely different floor - and would immediately be at her side to calm her down and help her with whatever she was doing.
After the third time that had happened - with Papa rappelling down the side of the house from the roof before swinging in the open window on the first floor to scoop her out of a mess of spilled jam jars and a tussle with Kyle (a very odd shaped canine that looked like the end result of someone who didn't understand the science getting a hold of a genetic recombinator) - Tempest had begun to get suspicious about how he was able to do so. While he was cleaning her up - with surprising gentleness - she had managed to get his attention. She then expressed what was, unfortunately, a string of accusatory baby babble noises while gesturing from him to her horn.
To her surprise, he had understood perfectly. "You think I had Dr. Nefario install something in your horn replacement to tell me your emotional state, and that's why I'm always here to stop an explosion?" he asked in surprise. When Tempest nodded, he laughed in response. "Tempest, I would never do that to family, and despite my...hesitation on your arrival, you are family. It would be a horrible invasion of your privacy!"
Tempest gave him a flat eyed gaze. Somehow, that didn't really click with how he acted in regards to 'family'. She wouldn't put it past him to implant subdermal GPS tracking chips in all three of the girls and her so he could know where they were at all times without telling them on the grounds of keeping them safe on the off chance one of his old enemies tried to hold them hostage against him. Privacy over safety did not seem to fit his outlook.
His happy, open smile faded a bit under her accusatory expressions. "Eh...besides, Nefario told me a metal tracker would interfere with the energy conduction between the crystal constructs and possibly cause a disruption of the energy fields, resulting in either making your head explode or the accidental generation of a quantum singularity that consumed the entire universe because of a formula error or the chip melting down at the wrong time."
Tempest nodded with a smile. That sounded much more the reasoning Papa should go by.
"So I had him line the house with sensors hooked into the crystal quantum computer downstairs that can read your energy buildups for the instabilities caused by emotional turmoil, and set it up to transmit alerts to me instantly," he continued, holding up a device that had a map of the house on the screen, currently cast in green. Using a finger, he scrolled to the left as the timestamp in the corner rewound, and it ended on the moment when she'd been fighting Kyle. The screen was blinking red, and a "Get Here!" arrow was focused on the kitchen. "Works much better until you outgrow inappropriate temper tantrums."
Tempest couldn't help but be amazed as she looked the device over, following the signals it was giving off to spot the sensors hidden in the walls. She pointed to the nearest one - hidden behind a pair of crossed morning stars - inquisitively.
Gru burst into joyous laughter. "Well aren't you the clever girl!" he praised as he washed the last of the jam out of her tail. Once she was clean, he dried her vigorously with a towel before setting her down on the floor. "Now go play, and don't lose your temper next time Kyle makes a fuss."
Tempest almost wasn't surprised that the Minions had already cleaned up the mess, including Kyle himself. Barry hadn't been kidding about how much they would improve with a focus for their Overthought. From the look on Papa's face, he wasn't sure what to make of it anymore than Tempest was. ...somehow, she found that reassuring.
Kyle was one of the most frustrating aspects of living in the household. The obviously heavily modified canine seemed convinced that - short of Agnes - anything below the level of his odd furry antennae was his indisputably to eat, pee on, shred, chew, or otherwise mangle and destroy whenever it suited him. Unfortunately for Tempest, at her current size the tip of her new horn just barely matching the top of said antennae in height, she was well within Kyle's 'fun to destroy' target range. This proved problematic for the time being, as on top of that Kyle saw her as another 'pet' that was invading his territory. As such, he was more than eager to cause as much trouble for her as he could, and savagely maul her as much as he could when no one was looking.
Fortunately for Tempest, she had two advantages over Kyle that truly tipped things in her favor, once she took Papa's advice about not losing her temper over it. First, she had the Overthought link to the Minions, making it child's play - literally, in this case - to know exactly where Kyle was at all times. And second, being a dog Kyle had no concept of fighting 'dirty'...but Tempest certainly did.
How odd that her greatest advantage of all had been a genre of movies that Starlight Glimmer of all ponies had introduced her to that gave her the perfect combat stratagem to put Kyle in his place...Neighponese Horror. A little cooperation from now more competent - or at least, more disciplined and thus willing to wait until the task was complete before celebrating or making jokes about it - Minions and Kyle knew better than to cross Tempest.
She decided it wasn't her job to explain to Papa or the others why this resulted in Kyle hiding under the nearest piece of furniture or at the top of the nearest suit of armor or armoire the moment she entered a room he was in. If he wanted them to know, he'd find a way to tell them. ...admittedly, she felt Edith had some idea, considering she stifled laughter while watching her smug grin whenever it happened.
When in doubt as to where certain questionable tastes emerge from in the Pony World, blame Starlight. You have a 50% chance of success rate!
Not a fan of horror at the best times. Don't even want to think what the difference between them would induce.
9050139
The other half of the time, it'll be either Discord, Pinkie, or the Changelings. sometimes it'll even be all three.
Poor(NOT) Kyle. Terrorized by Tempest. That thing will learn...
Eventually.
Anyway. You may want to check sentence structure and phrasing.
The following:
I highlight a phrase set in orange that should be linked together as the beginning and end of the same sentence.
But what you've done here, is improperly broke it up into multiple sentences.
It should be structured like this.
The reason for the Semicolon breakup I used is because semicolons are sometimes appropriately used in places where you might have a comma list nested inside a comma list. In this case 'Unfortunately for Tempest' and 'this proved problematic' can be treated as a complete sentence by themselves. The details in the middle both interrupt this thought to expand on it, AND include a 2-point mini-list. To find times when you need to double-check the complexity of the sentence in this manner, always go back and read the beginning and end phrases to see if they make sense with the middle taken out. Now, if the middle detail did NOT have more than one phrase built in requiring it's own comma, you would have just separated the parts with commas. Example in this context being:
'Unfotunately for tempest [COMMA] as an aside statement [COMMA] this proved to be problematic.'
As for what I did to the sentence at the end, that was a complete rewrite to avoid what became effectively a broken sentence fragment and made it sound like a complete thought, even if that structure might be less common.
But, either way, always do a Start-BLANK-End read of really complex ideas in writing. It's okay to squeeze details into the middle, but those points more than any other need to be checked for clarity.
Oh come on. Her scaring him would have been great to see. I get it, noodle effect. But still would have liked to see it.
9050336
considering the volume of work tats writes, he has earned at least some leeway for what MOST would not even notice/care about.
9050336
Umm...I just looked through the segment you called attention to, and I don't see how the suggested fix works better. As it is, "Unfortunately for Tempest" connects to "which left her in Kyle's 'fun to destroy' target range", while "This proved problematic" introduces the next sentence and it's developments. Also "As for the time being" doesn't really work to start the following segment.
Hmm...
I tried a different setup for the sentences. How's it work now?
I can't imagine the Horror that Kyle went through though I guess it was Fatal Framing Tempest to do so in the first place.
Can't wait till Tempest come back to Equestria taking Kyle with her.
Tempest: Fluttershy, let me introduce you to my problematic, house-sitter, Kyle.
Fluttershy: What a cute little dog he is! Come here, Angel, Tempest bring her new pet with her. Maybe you two can play together?
<the new dog already left a trail of dust in his leave>
Tempest: Hmm? Didn't know Kyle can run this fast. Wonder what terrified him?
Girls: *staring at Gru*
Gru: "What? Are you thinking Gru has method of tracking you that is same type as I have for Tempest?"
Girls: *all nod*
Gru: "..." *grins in a mixture of sheepishness and smugness* "You are knowing me too well."
Honestly, Gru kinda reminds me of Lilo & Stitch's Jumba mixed with a small touch of Doctor Eggman from Sonic for the sake of physique and sprinkled with bits of Wile E. Coyote and Foghorn Leghorn from Looney Tunes. He's got the gadgets and talk of Jumba, the physique of Eggman sans the mustache, and the explosions and occasional backfires–and the urge to fill silence with chatter–of Wile E. Coyote and Foghorn Leghorn respectively.
And Tempest is honestly both adorable and frightening in my mind's eye now. Can't wait for more, Tats. Keep it up!
9050462
...that is the best description of Gru I have ever read! I love it!
9050391
Looks better.
Though, the end here drives me off the wall:
The sentence structure is rather clunky. And it's partially due to the way it stretches on in the 'making it look like her fault'. I would actually consider dumping that phrase entirely. Not only is it clunky, it makes no sense from a contextual standpoint. With an army of minions mind-linked to Tempest, more sensors than GOD watching her every movement, and an emphasis on Kyle not being the sharpest tool in the 'Doglikecreature' shed, I just don't see 'making it look like her fault' even remotely coming close to working.
Kyle's more than enough trouble without tossing in the blame-game switcheroo. Especially if the blame-game switcheroo is just an extraneous detail being mentioned in passing in a single sentence, never to be mentioned again.
9050472
*grins* Honestly, I only watched the movie about two-to-three days ago because I wanted some background to understand this fic better. After watching it, I just can't get that idea out of my head. Would you believe I'd never seen it before I started reading this fic?
And you better believe that this is now a permanent addition to both my PWNY Bookshelf–where I put all of your works that I've read and am up-to-date on and love–and my "Dearly Beloved" Bookshelf. That last one is where I store every fic I find on here as something I know I truly, deeply loved for one reason or another–be it the writing style, the characterization, the humor, or a combination of these and other components–and want to be able to read over, and over, and over again, and possibly even introduce to my own children so long as the site is still around once I have kids of my own. Not to mention the Dearly Beloveds are the ones I'm most likely going to download onto my iBooks apps so I never lose them.
Yeah, I actually have a folder for that, and so far three of your works–at least–have made it in there.
9050492
Wow. That...that means a lot to me.
9050510
Dude, you deserve it. The dedication you've put into each piece–especially for the PWNY-verse stories–is incredible. You keep every character true to their canon selves while still making the interactions between everyone believable within each universe, on top of taking the effort to show how each world affects the pony or ponies in it, as well as expanding upon the already present lore or else building your own if you have to, and you weave a ton of both humor and emotion into it at the same time. As a writer, I am envious of your dedication, truly. Prime example is this story. You're keeping the characters true to themselves and building on the lore already established for their world and the world of FiM, and even building on Tempest's character as well. Honestly, this is so far one of my favorite stories where a villain–former or otherwise–gets a second chance, simply because there's so little pre-established about Tempest in the MLP Movie.
You're an inspiration, Tatsurou. That's why I keep telling you to keep writing, because you're good at it and seem to truly, genuinely enjoy it with your heart as much as your head. You have a gift. Don't ever doubt it.
9050576
I've mentioned a few times before that I have a bookmark folder labeled 'Encouragement' for things I find - whether comments on stories or things elsewhere online - that I look at when I'm feeling down and questioning why I keep going, and it helps me to keep going and smile...and be proud of what I do.
Thank you for giving me more to put in there.
9050597
I meant every word, Tatsurou.
90505
Your stories are one of the few things that make me want get up in the morning or cheer me up when I have had a bad day
So
Keep on writing and make someone's day somewhere
Edit: I missed spelled want with what
9050310
Then in the small 1 percent of time it's all of the above.
9050651
and let's not forget that random value of when Murphy gets involved.
9050704
Murphy was involved in the first place if any of the four were mentioned.
Well that is nice and I believe in that you maybe start to act more like a child if you are forced to live like one, but not exactly to the point where it sounds as if your body goes back to being a real child and affecting your psychologic more than a bit.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but this sounded as if it would be more than just her acting a bit childish.
I'm not sure what tempest did to kyle in the end.
Nice chapter otherwise, so far there are only tiny things I would have prefert to be different till now. Most of the time however it'S pretty much perfect.
9051015
She introduced him to tentacles?
9051015
It's about hormone balance. The hormone balance of a child is very different from that of an adolescent or an adult, and the way neuro-chemicals are transferred is also different. As a result, an adult mind in a child body is still going to act a little childish, and will have less emotional control or discipline.
For example, if an adult gets pissed at something they might want to throw it, but knows that's irresponsible and could damage both the object and whatever it's thrown against, and so chooses not to.
A child, on the other hand, has already thrown three by the time that thought could finish.
9051023
The main examples of Japanese horror I can think of equates to either yokai demons, or Tokyo Ghoul.
So yes, I think she did, in fact, introduce Kyle to tentacles. (Ones that can shoot crystals out like a machine gun when necessary.)
>>Richardson
Neighponese Horror, aka Japanese Horror. Think The Ring and The Grudge.
I don't get how this site's reply function works.
9051059
You don't reply to a user, you reply to a comment by id.
This reply was made with
>>9051059
.I see that this has not been abandoned, and I hunger for more.
Satisfy my wishes.
9051023
9051059
Me, Richard. Richard, New Guy. New Guy, me. Now that we’re all acquainted...
I’m guessing Tempest has founds some shadows to hide in? Maybe she can crawl up walls and pounce on Kyle?
I can’t see her popping out of the TV like The Ring anytime soon.
EDIT: What’s the Grudge? I’m more interested in the stories than actually watching the movies. That’s why I read Goosebumps & Creepypastas while the rest of Rocket Class 2015 watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
9051025
Well it makes enough sense to accept it as a good enough theory. I mean it sounds as if it would make sense, but since it never happened before I'm also keeping my point of view on that. I mean it works and I had stories with both versions, I was just a bit suprised or something.
9050868
no, I mean, Murphy gets involved physically, as opposed to theoretically. As in, Murphy comes down from wherever he spends his time, and actually uses his body to get involved.
Tatsurou... remind me to never get on your bad side...
9051592
THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL!
9053215
Yes it does. Well, okay, maybe not without context.
Think about it like this: Discord, who is commonly associated with chaos and disorder, is the sentient manifestation of those two concepts, whereas Murphy, as in Murphy's Law, is associated with bad luck. Comedically timed bad luck, to be specific. As such, it would make sense that he would be the physical incarnation of comedic bad luck.
9053366
That makes sense.
9053369
And once again, Logic prevails!
HUZZAH!!
9053374
yaaaay.
9051025
Yeah, not all adults have actually grown into that level of emotional control.
Totally called that tracker, down to the method used. :D
"I couldn't do that... okay, because it would destroy the universe." As expected!
I don't even want to know what she did to that poor demon pooch.
...Maybe just a hint? :D
Also, minion radar is cool. I want it.
9023292
Well, tore through Girl Genius and the MLP crossover fic... added its Fimfic copy to my shelves as well, though it isn't updated fully yet. Definitely appreciate the recommendations!
9055775
Negative reinforcement. Every time he attacks Tempest it ends in pain for him.
9055775
screwed him?
9050336
That sounds... really incorrect to my ears. Then again, I once read a poem that was meant to demonstrate the beauty of the semicolon's function, and my only thought was that it was a literary mess. Heck, to make sure I wasn't mixing up form and content, I reworded the whole thing to not use ANY semicolons, and it was much prettier as a result.
Bottom line is this: if the most expert way of using a semicolon directly worsened the content, then semicolons themselves are outdated at best and grammatically wrong at worst, going off of today's sensibilities. You know, the same ones that all but did away with "whom", and consider "they" as the best way to refer to a single person of unidentified gender? Not to mention treating split infinitives as artistic word choice instead of errors.
9232990
lol
Am I the only one who wants to know what she did to Kyle? It would make a good bonus chapter