Sunset Shimmer's life has taken turn for the odd lately. Well, not odd. Odd isn't nearly a strong enough word for the utter batshit insanity that has consumed her every waking moment.
Thankfully, said madness hasn't quite spread to all of her friends yet. Though that may not be true by the end of the night.
Part of the Beanis Cinematic Universe. (Possibly Ant-Man or one of the TV series.) Rated Teen; the titular items are never put to use. That said, this is a largely M-rated worldline. Please bean responsibly.
Chapters (1)
It's always the Beanis.
Also, I thought that Beanis link was gonna be TVTropes for a moment. You'll get there eventually...
Yo this was great. You did well.
You have no idea, Flash.
Oh boy, here we go again!
Well, at least Sunset doesn’t have to deal with this nonsense alone anymore, even if it does mean dragging Flash into the mix.
Goddammit, Foamy....
You would think that when the number of people who violate the laws time space-time and return to the past for the sole purpose of preventing an apocalypse caused by you reaches >0, you would rethink your current life choices. Needless to say, Sunset needs all the help she can get in keeping Sci-Twi and Beanis Inc. relatively sane.
This is the best-worst thing to come out of this god forsaken website, and I hope that we can keep this Beanis rolling for a while yet.
So...why exactly hasn't Sunset just loudly told Twilight this is stupid and awful and burned everything?
8956457
The pay is amazing, and the most alien illegal alien imaginable doesn't exactly have a lot of other employment opportunities.
8956465
I suppose. Just concerned about all the possible future apocalypses people keep coming from to try and prevent.
This is beautiful.
New tagline folks, pack it up.
I’m still convinced that Beanis is all one really roundabout way of Twilight trying to seduce Sunset, since Twilight’s too nervous/obtuse to just tell Sunset that she likes her
I liked the Stupid Jar. Nice subversion of expectations there!
So with the carboard attachments, when do we get the Beanis De Milo Legume-droid?
Why do they have a stupid jar? Seriously, what's wrong with Sunset using the word stupid?
I am beyond confused. I had no idea this was even a thing. Is this a side-story to another bigger story?
8956567
It's a running gag. Every time Sunset says something is stupid, she adds a dollar to the jar. Originally it was to save up for a trip to Fiji. I dunno what she's saving for now.
8956594
It's a series of stories by multiple authors. Follow the Beanis Cinematic Universe link in the story description to blow your mind.
These stories have taken on a mind of their own. Probably the only reason there isn't a rule about them like 5SD4 is because they are one shots. But I never fail to laugh at the insanity. Keep up the good beanis work.
8956465
The benefits are killer too. Where else can you please yourself with a bean-based copy of Rainbow Dash's dick on the company's dime?
First day at work and he's already had Twilight slap her hot beanis in his hand.
... What the F*** was that?!
8956835
Beans
Have I mentioned that I find that the BCU being and actual thing is utterly hilarious.
Dear frag did I get the filter working again just right on time, esle I'd have been (bean?) missing all the fun...
The introduction of Flash gave me too many ideas and now I'm writing more Beanis, and its all your fault.
8956489
GODDAMMIT SYEEKOH!!
I mean, I do agree, but it's the principle of the thing
I wonder how long until she becomes an Alicorn due to saving the world from Beanis. As much as possible, that is.
This was wonderful FoME, but please write it mature next time. It's bound to be twice as hilarious, at least.
It's a little disturbing that, for the last few weeks, there's literally been a new BCU story every time I've logged in to the site.
…
… beanfiction.net isn't registered yet. Just sayin'.
8956415
Thank you for providing the requisite "Goddamnit, (Author)" comment. It's not a true Beanis fic until someone does.
8956430
I'm happy-ashamed to have contributed to it.
8956489
Your approval fills me with pride, shame, and beans in roughly equal proportions.
8956501
That's the real tragedy of the Beanis Cinematic Universe: Sunset and Twilight can't find any way to communicate their feelings for one another that doesn't involve the manufacture of farm-to-bedroom marital aids.
8956594
If you have to ask, it's probably better that you don't know. It's too late for me. Save yourself.
8956601
Right now, I think she's saving up to send everyone else to Fiji. Whatever happens there, it's not her problem.
8956604
The rule about Five Score fics was instituted because a lot of them got started pre-transformation and were then abandoned before they actually got to the pony content. Here, the friendship magic is front and center. And it smells like burritos.
8956779
Sunset really needs to get around figuring out what qualifies as sexual harassment in a place like this.
8956835
A continuity wherein human Twilight becomes a magical item entrepreneur in the strangest and most vulgar way imaginable, with Sunset doing her best to maintain some semblance of reason and restraint.
Did I mention that Tempest Shadow is Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash's daughter from the future who came from this time to prevent the reign of Beanos, leguminous overlord of Earth, only to become a Beanis Inc. product tester? It's that kind of universe.
8956896
derpicdn.net/img/2014/4/26/610337/medium.jpeg
I read it, and was filled with regret.
I'm not sure what I expected, but I probably deserved this.
8957073
You're welcome!
8957096
Eh, restrictions breed creativity. Besides, there are only so many times Sunset can walk in on people in the middle of product testing before it loses its impact on both her and the audience.
8957236
Clearly, you are the Harbeanger, as foretold by prophecy.
8957379
I wrote it and was filled with regret. Well, more dread than regret. And no small amount of amusement.
Look, the point is that there was a nonzero quantity of regret present post-submission.
8957384
Again, fair enough. Best of luck! And look out for oddly shaped beans.
...what did I just read and why does it exist.
Sometimes I read these when they're on the new stories page even though I pretty much know in advance that I'm going to come away facepalming and questioning my decision making process. I suppose it's some combination of raw curiosity, perverse curiosity, and RL appreciation of beans.
In this case it was the title, authorship, and Flash that brought me in. I'm happy to find some good Flash characterization here. He truly seems like a relatable voice of sanity amid the bean-madness. So props for that!
I see you have joined the Universe.
The limo has been sent around. You should be picked up shortly. The seats have been cleaned.
The title should have been:
"Men Come From Mars, Women Cum From Beanis"
Or something similar, to keep the pun.
8957372
8956330
CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT BEANIS IS!?
8957730
Physically speaking, the Beanis is a magical dildo crafted from bean paste. Beanis is also the name of Twilight Sparkle's company, since she is the one that made it.
The Beanis trend started out as me and Majin Syeekoh bouncing a stupid idea back and forth in a game of literary chicken. Unfortunately, neither of us blinked and now here we are.
8957730
Dildos made from bean paste.
Penis + beans = beanis
8957542
No they haven't. Who are you kidding?
In any case, a hearty welcome to you, Fan of Most Everything! Happy to see you're a fan of this thing as well, and I appreciate the addition of Flash to the cast!
8957759
Bigger question is, does it taste good?
Because I mean, not going to lie it sounds like it would be pretty taste.
8957990
No lie, if there was a refried bean log that squirted guac or sour cream...I'd eat it.
8957995
You think it could be used as an exorcism tool?
And what about transportation? Beanis jetpacks?
8957995
OH! And most importantly is Beanis Land a thing yet?
8958000
IT DOES NOT HELP WITH EXORCISMS.
JUST ASK SUNSET AND FLASH TOMORROW.
8957236
Don't worry, there's more coming tomorrow.
8958006
Beanis Land.
Beanis Land must rise.
And then be turned into Fort Beanis.
It shall tower over the land and pierce the heavens.
BEANIS BOT!
GIANT BEANIS MECH!
GIGA BEANIS PIERCER!
REENACT GURREN LAGANN WITH BEANIS!
Odds are by the end of this both Sunset will have become a raging alcoholic.
8958037
I'd expect Beanis sex robots (To continue a pun, Beanis DA Milo) before the inevitable Beanis mech. Poor Flash would end up having to be a tester "so they can get the male perspective" and then Sunset's geode would animate it by somehow passing on memories from the whole group (because magic) and they'd have a new employee who's made of Beanis....
8958680
They already have an employee made of beans. She's kept in the secret vaults.