Clouds Of Ecstasy

Norm De Plume #1 · May 19th, 2018 · · · Splintered ·

I feel compelled to leave you a comment, since I a) have pondered this fic for the last couple days, b) am also a fellow clopfic writer with some unusual storylines, and c) see you have no one else yet willing to leave feedback.

First, in my mind, your furry layer is very thin. There are hands, there are fingers, and there are feet. There are also wings, but no mention of horns, ears, tails, or what even makes these characters ponies. Right now, we haven't ruled out that Cloud Splitter is a mauve-skinned angel, since we don't seem to have fur of any sort. Like, fuzzy boobs are *awesome*, just saying, and it would help your fic to emphasize just who and what we have.

Also, there's really no connection to MLP in any form here. No Princesses, no Equestrian cities, landmarks, or characters, etc. This makes it indistinguishable from a generic 'furry OC' piece that could be found anywhere else in the community. Most stories on this site must demonstrate a connection to the show in some form. If you're saving that for chapter 2, that's fine, but make it clear. It's in the posting rules.

As for plot, it's fairly standard so far. Hot, busty, goddess takes pity on sensitive, artistic, and wounded soul, and is ready to relieve him of his troublesome sexual burdens after knowing him for mere hours. You're adding in his issues and her empathy to give some depth to the eventual porn, yes, but now you have to pay it all off with what I hope is a sex scene of similar depth.

You've set up an encounter that could be promising, if you keep it believable. Cloud Splitter seems almost too good to be true, since she's declared her intent to fix Splinter. Hopefully it won't all be solved in one night of ecstasy, because even with all the care and love a mysterious mauve goddess can bring, it's only the first step to healing. He will not become a manly stallion overnight, because sex doesn't confer manliness upon you.

Also, there are many ways to have sex, and not just tab A in slot B, which I hope you'll prove to us in the next chapter. Some education can go a long way towards easing his tension, too.

I'm interested to see where you go with this. I have my own thoughts about Cloud Splitter's backstory/character, and will see how right or wrong I am.

In short, perhaps a bit more furry in the anthro, to show that we are dealing with equines of one sort or another, a stronger connection to My Little Pony in *specific* would be much appreciated and needed, and show some creativity in what you do for the next chapter, please.

RavenousDash

RavenousDash #2 · May 19th, 2018 · 1 · · Splintered ·

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8933628
Thank you for your review. I'm glad to hear you've been pondering the fic, at the very least that means it's not entirely forgettable, haha.

Yes, I do tend to use more human elements in anthro pony designs. For instance, I deliberately mention them having feet instead of hooves, since that's how I usually draw them as well. Also, I never use the phrases anypony or somepony, because they make no sense to me, and I sometimes refer to them as people. I know that's not something you brought up, but it's just another example of how I want to make them more relatable. I will keep this point in mind, but I don't want to go too far in it.

This story, as well as the other one I have on here and more that will follow, are part of a fanon series called Ranchtown, which takes place in a fanmade town that is pretty much exclusively inhabited by OC's of several owners. While it does take place in Equestria, connections with MLP lore and canon characters is very minimal, save for some mentions of Celestia or Luna and some odd references here and there. Think of it as an alternate universe with its own world building, one that is much more modern and relatable but where magic still exists. Follow the link in the description for more on that.

If it is some kind of rule that the connection has to be there, I will try to make that more clear by at least mentioning something.

Well, can't disagree with anything else you've said. Part 2 is already written and is coming soon. I hope you'll like it when it comes out.

Oh, and although part 2 will conclude this scenario, it won't be the last one.

Norm De Plume

Norm De Plume #3 · May 19th, 2018 · · · Splintered ·

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8933746
No harm in referring to them as people. That's perfectly normal and fine. I'm just saying, you've kind of abandoned any relation to furry and basically made them 'full' human in your prose. A mention of something like ears (assuming they have pony ears), or something just a tad more equine to show they're meant to be anthro would be a boost.

And I saw the note for the fanon series, even read a couple of them. The only rule Fimfic has states 'Your story must be related to the MLP universe at the time of submission, or else it will be rejected'. You obviously passed moderation, so the mods & site see nothing wrong with what you've submitted. I'm just saying, a little something familiar would make an even stronger connection.

Calico64

Calico64 #4 · May 19th, 2018 · 1 · 3 · Splintered ·

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8933628
Yeah something tells me you've been reading the wrong fics bro. There are far more ways to write a clop fic than just going all out crazy with the setting of "This is MLP World." While it seems you have put a lot of thought into this review, I would like to point out that you are not the author. Nor are you the one who gives the orders to the author.

You are an audience member, and as such have literally no say in what the author writes. You also do not have the right to tell him what needs more creativity, and what needs fleshing out. I know this may go without saying, but the tone of your review is rather off putting. Perhaps you should take that into consideration before you start writing paragraphs upon paragraphs of criticism. You give your thoughts on the piece, but you should not make it out like what you say is the gospel.

This fic is obviously here as more set up than it is here to wow the audience. It is good character development and it is also well written overall. If his writing really did so little to impress you, then you are obviously not the ideal reader he was looking for.

AppleTank

AppleTank #5 · May 19th, 2018 · 1 · 3 · Splintered ·

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8934218
There's still the minimum line of site rules.
Which you seem to be conveniently ignoring.

RavenousDash

RavenousDash #6 · May 19th, 2018 · 2 · · Splintered ·

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Alright, everybody chill.

Let me make one thing clear. I'm not above taking criticism. If somebody wants to leave feedback on my stories, or give me their opinions, that's their prerogative as long as they're not shitting on it for the sake of it. But that doesn't mean I have to act on it. If I feel they're bringing up good points, then I will consider it, but if somebody doesn't like the decisions I make, that's perfectly fine too. Can't please everybody.

Part 2 of this story is done and I'm happy with it. I don't plan on changing anything, so we'll see what happens once it goes up.

As for the rules, fimfiction is very vague on what counts as sufficient connections to MLP. The first chapter of Sweepers passed moderation despite seemingly having very few connections with canon stuff, except for Celestia's name being mentioned maybe once. If that's all it takes, then I can add in the word "Equestria" or something every now and again and probably be fine, but I don't want to force the connection like "oh btw, Twilight Sparkle is out there somewhere too."

The last thing I ever wanted is this comment section turning into a back and forth discussion like this. So if you want to discuss something, discuss the story please. That's why I put it on here. Thank you.

Da Floofy Kitty