Relax, Thorax

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Comments ( 12 )

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Red_Beard

Red_Beard #1 · May 20th, 2018 · 3 · ·

Non-con seems a harsh description of events. It may turn away some readers.
Seems reluctant at best.

EverfreeSparkle

EverfreeSparkle #2 · May 20th, 2018 · 1 · ·

8936598
I agree. I almost didn't read this because I expected rape, not uncertainty. If it weren't for this comment, I would have passed by the story completely!

Midnight Phoenix

Midnight Phoenix #3 · May 20th, 2018 · · ·

8936801
8936598
So do you think it would be best to take off the tag? I just put it because Thorax never really agreed to it...

Red_Beard

Red_Beard #4 · May 20th, 2018 · 2 · ·

8936806
In all technicality, yes this is rape, but let's remember that Thorax is a Changeling king twice the size of the average mare. They didn't blackmail him or force him down, he just was uncomfortable for a bit and then went with it. Most of the time when people use the non-con tag, it means someone was being forced physically to do something they don't want to, and I don't think they "forced" him to do anything. Definitely put a warning in the description that says he's apprehensive, but save the non-con tag for actual rape.

Red_Beard

Red_Beard #5 · May 20th, 2018 · 2 · ·

8936806
also use the porn tag

Midnight Phoenix

Midnight Phoenix #6 · May 20th, 2018 · · ·

8936835
Thanks

thunderhoof716

thunderhoof716 #7 · May 21st, 2018 · · 2 ·

Good piece, only thing I will say is to be careful of how the characters speak. "No problem" is not interchangeable with "You're welcome" in a service industry. One is reassuring that there's no hassle on one end, while the other invites and welcomes the person/party to use the service again.

Other than that, good job. :)

Barnstormer1126

Barnstormer1126 #8 · May 21st, 2018 · 5 · ·

Some constructive criticism:

So first off, you have the start of a good story, and you're not a terrible writer, but: one thing I'd say you need to work on is your descriptive elements. I went and looked through a couple of your other clopfics to make sure it wasn't just this story, and while it's nice to see you've gotten better at formatting, you still have a tendency to write in a way that comes across as '[Character] did this. It felt this way. Then [character] did that. Then [other character] did this.' Just reads very flat, which is bad for any fic, but especially so for romance and/or clopfics.

To get an idea of what I'm talking about, go read some of the stories by Clopficsinthecomments, xRei, or MadMaxtheBlack, and try and incorporate their method of describing feelings and events into your own work.

Midnight Phoenix