"Oh...? Hello there. Yes, I can see you dearies, sitting or lying comfortably in front of your little electronic devices, reading the accounts of the infinite universes that make up our little corner of Creation. No, don't get all alarmed, I can't directly reach your little universe so you are perfectly safe from me..."
Said the pale magenta filly looking straight forward, her blue eyes focusing on the invisible (at least for the rest of us) figures before her, pausing a moment before resuming talking...
"Why are you so surprised...? You know me already, Diamond Tiara, the daughter of Filthy Rich and Spoiled Milk, reformed bully of Ponyville School and best friend of Silver Spoon, you all have seen bits and pieces of my life for years now, going from the meanest filly to ever live to the forgettable background Pony of season 8, have read the tales of several different versions of myself on this website..."
"But how do you know this...? You might be wondering, well it's simple: I am not the Diamond Tiara of what you might know as the TV show, I am but a different version of that one... In my Ponyville something fell from the sky, transformed into an Alicorn and lived in the town, rarely interfering with our lives, so I got redeemed like in your precious TV show, only to get lost in another universe days after my redemption. Want to know how it happened? Well read this totally legit recap and find out how did I fell into the world of the Darkstalkers and became... the Diamond of Darkness...."
is morrigan in this fic
8861856
As Belial explained, she will be...
before I read what’s this a crossover with?
8861990
CAPCOM fighting game Darkstalkers...
8861994
Dand and I was hoping for a “The Darkness” crossover images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/cmx-images-prod/Item/12859/NOV090415_2._SX1280_QL80_TTD_.jpg
8861998
I'm not very knowledgeable about that universe...
8862064
Trust me it’s great and you should read the Batman and Superman crossover comics.
8862160
Yeah? I read the xover with witchblade and it was good
8862552
Didn't get to read that, but I think the witch blade was created from the darkness and the Angelus... consummating their peace pact.
8861994
plz tell me Morrigan is in this?.....erm purely for reading purposes of course
Oh you bet your ass she is...
Liking the story, keep it going please.
9422860
Oh I Ninten doing it
Not bad, but you keep using 'he' when referring to Diamond Tiara. Unless she's packing a little extra, the correct address is 'she'.
9508633
dang I thought I had gotten all the he... thank you
9508702
Your welcome.
Mistress Diamond dom to the world. Lol I love this will the story follow the game story latter, the comics or the 4movie anime.
Also Ruby as succubus better have Yang as one two.
9515515
It will Follow the Storyline of the Morrigan that was appointed as the Enemy of that version of Myself, So It will cover Darkstalkers 1-3, Marvel Vs Capcom 1- Infinite and Namco X Capcom - Project X Zone 2 Alongside some original things...
Before I read this, I must know: What's the fetish tag for? Also, I thought there were only two Darkstalkers games.
9530708
the tag is because of things that will happen in the next arc, There will be some prettyt disturbing fetish imagery... maybe some BDSM themes as in this last arc...
the Darkstalkers series consists of: Darkstalkers | Night warriors: Darkstalkers Revenge | Vampire Savior | Vampire Savior 2 | Vampire Hunter 2
So you mentioned that you want me to preread this story, right?
9651153
yes, I like how it's going, but my knowledge of American Grammar and linguistic rules is limited at best, spotty at worst...
9651288
Alrighty then. I'll read up to chapter 5, which is the closest to the 5,000-word limit.
A few unneeded commas. I recommend splitting this into multiple smaller sentences. This is something that occurs multiple times throughout the story, so just keep watch for similarly-structured paragraphs.
???
I've also noticed that this short introductory section of the first chapter is a bit overdescriptive. Try to pass along information to the readers in a more subtle way, unless you're aiming specifically for giving them an image of the character right off the get-go.
This is one giant run-on sentence. It appears that you might have an issue of using commas in place of where periods would normally go. I'll provide a rewrite of this paragraph:
The Aensland castle stands against the darkness that is the Makai. Within, his master rests, but his rest is not a common one; While dreaming, he has received a prophetic vision -- something that had been happening lately -- but this time, instead of seeing the creature that without his supervision would become the monster that would destroy not only his beloved Makai but herself, the Dark Lord saw something new, a creature of light falling from the sky... and himself taking care of not one, but two forces of nature, similar yet different...
This is a bit of a sentence fragment, which once again leads into a run-on sentence. I'd suggest phrasing this and the above line "Lucien ...! Mudo …!" like the following:
"Lucien! Mudo!" summoned the Dark Lord as he awoke. His most loyal servants appeared in the doorway of his room: a lanky demon with yellow green skin wearing a dusty looking brown suit accompanied by another one, this one pudgy and short, with green skin and younger looking than the lanky one, dressed in a black suit as worn out than his companion’s...
Though, this is also pushing the description just a bit.
Also, general rule for character dialogue: If the character is trailing out their speech, "..." is fine. If they're stating something or just saying a regular sentence, the quote will end with a ," instead of a ." or ..."
Lastly,
It's "fic", not "fix".
That is all for the first chapter.
Yeah, just as previously stated, if a character is just saying something, not yelling or asking a question, it's usually going to end the quote with a ," instead of the ..." that you seem to use so much.
You just generally seem to have a habit of ending your sentences with "..." instead of "." throughout your story, which overall just makes the reader (or at the least, me) think that every sentence I read is trailed on and slurred on the last word. Not necessarily bad depending on what kind of tone you want your story to set, but it's overall a very big overuse of a single type of punctuation.
The ...?" can just be a ?"
I'm just bunching this entire last portion up into a single part, 'cause each individual section has the same issue. The flow of the story just seems... off. I'm pretty sure the main issue is that you are keeping the dialogue and action completely separate in their own paragraphs, rather than the usual pairing of dialogue and one or two actions before, during, or after the speech in the same paragraph. It doesn't help either that every sentence is ended with "..." instead of "." either.
"Oh well, the new story has its second chapter."
I'm just gonna stop pointing out the overuse of "..." in place of "." in the story from now on, mainly to avoid becoming repetitive. Just make sure that you make the necessary changes.
"Diamond, dear, it is more than obvious that our current arrangement will not work. I have been able to evade my responsibilities a little
and so on.
Unnecessary to describe that she looks like a 4-year-old girl. It doesn't add any meaningful value to the current events. Just say that Diamond Tirara pouted, like this: (continuing off of Belial said,)
Also, just like the issue with the overuse of ellipses, I'm going to stop mentioning the recurring issue of completely separating dialogue from dialogue tags and action. It's usually okay to do this with shorter lines, but with longer speech like the one starting with "Diamond, dear is" it's really not a good idea to separate things like that.
You seem to have an issue of random capitalization being sprinkled throughout the story. Remember, only capitalize names, titles, and the beginnings of a sentence. Unless you're shouting on the internet. Then USE ALL CAPS, ALL THE TIME!!!!!!11!!111!
Show, don't tell. How did she feel dread? How is she fascinated?
Ex: "Diamond shifted on her hooves, diverting her eyes as she caught a glimpse every so often of Miss Von Berner."
...What? This run-on sentence/paragraph is especially confusing. It's worded in a way that seems to almost suggest that Diamond Tiara is attracted to the Governess, and alongside generally chunky wording, only further pushes the confusion.
EDIT TO THE ABOVE: Nevermind, just barely read that Miss Von Berner is a succubus. Okay then, that makes more sense. Still need to fix the wording a bit.
"Don't worry, milord, I'm sure Mistress Diamond will approve of your choice. We will be... good friends..."
???
"then the slice of heaven in Makai when Belial managed to spend an hour with her" doesn't make sense in any way that I read it. It's not so much a part of any sentence as it is a quick succession of seemingly disconnected sentence fragments one after another.
Missing comma between "Diamond" and "so".
"Oh yes, Miss Von Berner, just give me five minutes. Oh, and bring Diamond, please."
Miss Von Berner bowed her head and left as Belial placed the baby in a small crib.
When did the Dark Lord come into the story? Or is he the same character as Belial? Try to make the characters a little more consistent, or at the least more obvious on who is who.
"Good girl... but, there is someone else I want as well, you know."
???
Is he asking Diamond to consider Morrigan as her little sister, or he asking Diamond to consider Morrigan's little sister?
At this point, there are many, many repeated errors that I've skipped over mainly due to just how many there are. Ideally, if I had the time to (or if I was paid to, honestly), I would probably end up rewriting the entire story to make sure that nothing has been missed.
Also, who is XxWriterMentorCreatorxX? Are they on Fimfiction? Either way, they... kinda missed a lot.
Like, a lot.
Title's a bit wonky here. Might wanna consider rewording it.
What's the "After..." doing there?
After the arrival of the then-considered intruder, things became a little routine. That is, with the exception of a few times in which strange explosions of power were witnessed, and the finding of Lucien and/or Mudo strangely hurt the following day.
This is honestly the best I can do to fix this particular paragraph. It's just a bit weird as far as how it's trying to get an idea across.
What?
That is all I will do for this story. I'd recommend using something such as Grammarly to help with most of your story's problems, and as for XxWriterMentorCreatorxX, I think you might need someone with better experience with English to preread/edit for you.
9651385
Yes, Belial Aensland is the Dark Lord of the Makai, but I see you're right, it will confuse people refering him by his titles...
You could, I could pay, but that'd be Trixieing it a bit, don't you think so...?
XxWriterMentorCreatorxX helped again in this one... is another fimfiction user, he helped a bit too, and I see he missed as much as I myself did...
9651540
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
9651635
Thanks again for the help! It feels a bit closer to what I saw and got to notice some grieving mistakes.
I forgot to ask... Did you like the story?
9651642
No problem.
Didn't this story used to have more chapters?
9692452
no, just --- by the wekend will start working on 12
Reviewed.
This Review is brought to you by on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of the Story: Diamond of Darkness by alfonso_rd_33
Grammar Score: 4 / 10
There are quite a few issues with grammar that make the story rather difficult to read. I will explain more in the notes below.
Pros:
The relationship between Makai and Diamond Tiara
Diamond Tiara is well done
Interesting Setup
Cons:
Grammar Issues
Dialogue Issues
Lack of Scenery
Notes:
I generally like to start off these reviews with some witty retort about the story, or the game that it’s based on. Some sort of joke. Not this time, though. I know absolutely nothing about Darkstalkers. I apologize to fans of the game, but I’m completely clueless. I’m ashamed to call myself a gamer. That being said, it gives me an interesting point of view for this story. Let’s dive in, shall we?
So, let’s start off in the positive. This story begins with a character named Makai. He appears to be some sort of evil overlord ruling over a violent kingdom. That is, until Diamond Tiara arrives. He seemingly adopts her as a sort of daughter figure. Which brings us to the first point. The relationship between these two, at least in the few chapters I read, is interesting. He seems to care about her, and she enjoys spending time with him, and is upset when he is forced leave her. I like the dynamic here.
I also enjoy Diamond Tiara. I believe this takes place after her reformation. She still has a sassiness to her character though, that feels like it fits well with the character. On a deeper level, though, you get that she still cares about her adoptive father.
Both points above form an interesting setup. A violent word, now with a young pony who’s being raised by the overlord. Color me intrigued.
Here is where things get tough, though. The story has a myriad of issues, grammatically speaking. I suppose I can lump the dialogue in here, too. The dialogue feels janky, using one line for the speech itself, but then blending the dialogue tag into a new paragraph. This gets tough to follow. Likewise, I found myself rereading lines, as I couldn’t follow some of the setup of the scene. I saw that in the comments, a lot of these errors were checked by a reader. Most of his suggestions would help fix the story in a large way.
Another issue is the lack of description. Perhaps this is because I don’t know the game, but the world is hardly ever explained. When I read this, I see the characters standing in a white void. In my opinion, this is the most severe issue with the writing. Without proper scenery, it can be difficult for the reader to get invested, or really understand what is happening.
To the author, I say this: Don’t be discouraged. Writing is not a simple process, and it rarely works on the first draft. Besides that, I don’t consider grammar the most important aspect of the story. A good editor can fix that. What matters is the content of the story, whether the reader cares about the characters or the world, and I do get a hint of that coming through, though it’s mired in messy writing. My recommendation would be to get an editor or two to try and fix these problems.
I hope you continue to improve your writing and look forward to seeing what you do in the future.
Enjoy your review!
AI review: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/217075/ai-reviews/thread/520740/diamond-of-darkness