Chapter Ten, Ass-assins and the "normal date": Starting Contract.
-Fizzle-
I’m still surprised that naming our airship The Ardent Survivor is what was keeping it from crashing when we flew it to Ponyville and back. The name may even be the only reason why it hasn’t crashed yet.
We landed just outside of Ponyville safely this time, but I was counting the number of days until the next incident.
Things started simply enough, I just had to get off the airship without anything exploding. That’s a lot harder than you’d think, especially with Jade around.
Jade had this annoying habit of attracting or finding danger like a moth going into a flame, flying out and then flying back in because it didn’t learn its lesson the first time it got burned. If it wasn’t nearly walking into the drop bear territory in Barely Bearable Woods, then it was saying highland pukwudgies or attacking that one eyed purple pony eater that still looked strange and horrific to me.
Snuggling Jade helped to keep the nightmares of that last thing away, I never thought I’d be more afraid of something that wasn’t a giant star bear.
Why did a creature that specifically ate purple ponies even exist? It wasn’t even like purple ponies were special in some way, why did there have to be a creature out there that would specifically target me out of a number of colorful ponies that aren’t mostly purple? Does it go after ponies with purple manes, if not then why does a pony having a purple coat attract it?
I stepped off the ship and looked about wildly, expecting something to happen. Jade started rubbing my ears, I admit that that will always have a very calming effect on me.
“Calm down Fizzy, I don’t think anything unusual is going to happen today… then again this is Ponyville. At least it’s not Tuesday.” Yes, because everything horrible that happens in Ponyville obviously has to happen on an arbitrary day at least once a week for no apparent reason. “Just relax and we’ll go for a nice calm walk to the park and we can talk while we do, but first I have to place this sign down.”
Jade jammed a sign into the ground that read “Beware of chimera in heat”. Yeah that would definitely keep anyone away from the airship alright, it was a scary message that thankfully wasn’t true. Even if we were leaving Maries behind to guard the ship.
“So let’s start off, I like that you’re cuddly, quite intelligent, happen to be very strong and your eyes are very beautiful in how they shine when you smile.” From you Jade, I can accept all those things. What didn’t you like about me though? “What I don’t like is you being pessimistic, that you sometimes focus too much on what you’ve lost instead of what you’ve gained, that you don’t think you can do amazing things when I absolutely know you can. I believe in you and think that you are the one that is holding yourself back from being the incredible mare that I know you can be. Your turn Fizzy.”
“Well I like that you’re cunning, that you can be cute at times, that you put yourself in danger for others and that you are willing to go to such lengths to make someone like me happy.” Moving closer to me as we headed towards the park, Jade hugged me to her and we passed by several ponies giving me odd stares because I was leaning my head against her side. Let them stare, I was content as I was right now. “What I dislike about you is that you don’t consider the consequences of your actions before you do them, including things like you jumping off of high places. You tend to run headlong into danger, your horrible at math, you're an idiot with a stupidly high tolerance for pain and I dislike your habit of getting hurt. You really disgust me when you lick yourself and then cough up hairballs. I have to ask, do all Abyssinians do that?”
“Pretty much, licking ourselves is just something we do. At least it keeps my fur clean, I’m not about to get onto you about what ponies use their mouths for.” Jade shivered violently at the thought. “Do Earth Ponies seriously change foal diapers with their mouths? Thank goodness for paws with opposable digits!”
Okay, now that she had said it out loud, licking her fur clean is not nearly as disgusting depending on what she’s licking off. If it’s too disgusting to lick off, at least I know she’ll take a bath and that I don’t have to worry about her kissing me with a disgusting mouth. She had more to be worried about from me in that respect, the hairballs were still disgusting though.
“You have a pretty good point, ponies do use their mouths for a lot more disgusting things.” I sat down under a tree and Jade sat beside me and ran her fingers through my mane once. I always like these affectionate gestures. “There’s also the fact that you are sometimes distracted by cardboard boxes, points of bright light and string.”
“Since when have I ever been distracted by any of those things Fizzy?” There was something you needed to know Jade, I had only looked away from you for a second and you had already somehow done the impossible.
“Like right now, you’re sitting in a cardboard box… where did you even get that? That wasn’t even here when we sat down!” I watched as Jade considered the large cardboard box she was sitting in and the taut string she held that was staking the shape of a unicorn with a short horn between her fingers. She slowly lowered her hands into the cardboard box and gave me a sheepish grin.
“I honestly don’t know what to tell you Fizzy, it just fell out of the sky and I have no idea where this string came from.” Jade ruffled her hair and I suddenly wanted to touch it, I crawled into the cardboard box with her and ran my hoof through her hair and over her ears until she started purring.
“I think I like making you purr Jade.” I started petting her and she cuddled up to me purring away.
-Derpy the Muffin Queen.-
Oops, I dropped the box… oh a kitty and a pony are having fun with it!
It was an empty box that we didn’t need, so they can keep it.
I did a good thing today!
-Matilda-
Obelus the gray donkey and Blade the thestral, what droll company for a high class assassin such as myself. The target didn’t look dangerous and was even on a playful romp with her friend, one would even suggest that they were in love. The young love was quite sweet and it would certainly be cruel for anyone to ruin it, but alas we assassins couldn't wait for better opportunities forever.
It kind of reminds me of a handsome jack I met at a gala where I set things up to go poorly for that one noble. I was more refined in my takedown methods. A little drop of poison and something that a pony has a seemingly allergic reaction to and none are the wiser for it when said pony needs to be rushed to the hospital. I never sully my hooves by outright killing my target, I only make it easier for my target to die naturally.
“So which one of you wants to go after them first? Not many ponies in the park to witness an attempt on their lives.” Well now Mr. Obelus, it would be a quite brutish thing to do for such an ass like you. Taking out two happy girls having fun in a cardboard box that appeared out of nowhere once we all blinked, I preferred to get them while they were at lunch. “I’ve already tried several times, so one of you should have the first shot.”
It’s always the slow approach for me really. I take several steps back and watched as Blade moved forward narrowing her eyes, the assassin hasn’t said a single thing since we were assured she definitely wouldn’t turn on us to protect the target. She spread her wings and took to the air.
I was more curious than anything about who we were meant to kill and if we even should kill her. She wasn't currently an active threat to anyone, but she would definitely become one to the one paying us to do this once the wind picks up.
My rules were as follows. Never take a contract on Celestia or anyone important to the world’s survival. Never take a contract on someone whose importance will cause worldwide trouble. My last is never take a contract that involves young children, the target was barely old enough to be above that rule.
-Jade-
Darn it Fizzy, your making my mind all fuzzy. I get it, you like that I combed my hair out. Now stop making me purr so much! It’s embarrassing even if no one can see us in the cardboard box.
“Stop…” I purred out and Fizzle immediately did so letting me up. “Thank you, come on let’s get…”
The cardboard box was cut in half vertically by flash of steel, I looked up at the pony with bat wings curving around to stare at us with her golden eyes and short shorn down white hair.
“You’ll pay for destroying the cardboard box, I would have named him George and I would have loved him and played with him!” I received a confused look from the hovering thestral, maybe I should explain why I’m angry. “I only got to know him for ten minutes and then you came along and shredded him… I really wanted to be the one to eventually do that!”
“Seriously Jade?” Not now Fizzle, we were about to be attacked by the mare that assassinated my cardboard box! “Don’t we have more to worry about, like how she tried to hurt or even possibly kill us?”
Shaking her head thestral swooped down with her wings spread wide and a glint of metal on them, she was wearing wing blades and she was targeting me. Oh joy, the assassins Grit mentioned finally decided show up, I thought he had been kidding about that.
Sustain, inhale and… spit a large bullet of water. My blast caught her in the chest and sent her spinning backwards towards a waiting Fizzle who figured out what I was going to do and ran forward to prepare accordingly.
“You’re…. interrupting… our… date!” Fizzle gave the spinning mare a buck to the spine, which bounced her off the tree we had sat under and back towards Fizzle. Fizzle leapt up and threw a vicious downwards left hoof slamming the poor mare into the grass where she bounced off the ground slightly, then Fizzle came down on the mare with a double axe handle to the chest using her front hooves. She shouted ‘date’ slapping the mare harshly across her temple with her right hoof, knocking her out.
“I don’t think she’ll get up from that easily, you really are strong Fizzy.” I had Fizzle blushing at my praise and then I saw the assassin roll to her hooves.
She extended her wings blades and leapt for Fizzle’s back with a dagger in hoof, quite ready to drive home all her weapons into Fizzle.
The assassin had been so close too, if only she hadn’t been hit in the head by a falling stone block. Fizzle jumped and turned to the poor mare that had been hammered into the ground again.
“Come on and help me get the stone block off of her, we’ll divest her of all her weapons and then we need to get her to a hospital.” Despite the disbelieving stare I received, Fizzle still helped me carry the mare to Ponyville’s hospital.
-Derpy the Muffin Queen-
Oops... my bad assassin lady!
-Matilda-
I felt kind of bad about trying to kill the target, she was a good cat and I’m sure Blade would recover given time. Now what would they do for lunch? Obelus was just chuckling at Blade’s misfortune to be struck down by a random block of stone falling from the sky.
We now knew our target could spit pressurized blasts of water from her mouth powerful enough to knock a winged pony out of flight at least. Her companion knew how to fight and they both could handle themselves in a dangerous situation.
-Fizzle-
After delivering the barely breathing assassin to the hospital, goodness knows what Jade was thinking when we did that, we stopped by The Ardent Survivor to drop off all the weapons we found on the assassin.
“I still can’t believe where she had that stiletto switchblade hidden.” That and Jade had to thoroughly wash her hands in scalding hot water at the horror of where she found one of those weapons. Said weapon was also washed off quite thoroughly as well.
“You can say that again Jade.” Flying, walking and in general moving around with that where it was must have been constantly uncomfortable. “Can you get your mind back on our date? Also when were you going to tell me you had your knife, griffon feather and fish scale necklace on you?”
“If you had asked, I would have told you Fizzy.” Okay, I’ll give Jade that. I hadn’t really asked her to come on this date unarmed and it was rather prudent that she was armed. “I had them on me just in case something went wrong. Which it did… because the box got destroyed!”
“Can you please stop going on about the box Jade?” I sighed and decided to say something I might regret later. “We’ll stop by a furniture store and get another box for you once we’re ready to head home, but you better not destroy it!”
Jade’s ears perked up immediately, her childishness just made me smile.
We were out to find a nice place for lunch. A place that wouldn’t look down on Jade for not being a pony. Jade could eat vegetarian, she didn’t necessarily need meat when her diet already consisted mostly of fruit, cheese, beans and vegetables.
“How about that café Fizzy?” It looks good to me Jade, I nodded and we waited to be seated. “Just a heads up, we have a budget for lunch. We can’t spend more than thirty bits on it.”
“I’m sure the food here is not nearly that expensive Jade.” So this was how dates were supposed to go? Spend some time in the park, get attacked by a silent assassin that we stole weapons off of like kleptomaniacs and then just go to lunch like it didn't happen.
We were soon seated by the stallion waiter.
“What will you ladies be having to drink this evening?” The stallion didn’t act snooty and he wasn’t treating Jade poorly. This might be a nice place to visit again, the food was affordable and we were both being treated fairly.
“Lemonade, and I already know what I want. The vegetable lasagna, hold the squash.” The stallion seemed a bit surprised that Jade’s order didn’t involve meat, but he took it down and turned to me.
“I’d like some pomegranate juice and the broccoli casserole please.” With my order taken, I started some small talk. "Is there anywhere fun you'd like to go afterwards?"
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of that thestral was anthro i'd imagine the camera panning slowly away from her downed unconscious body, sprawled face down, her weapon broken and discarded on the side with the words 'Vanquished' shows on screen
Maybe it can only see purple? And it's a carnivore?
The equestrian gods have spoken!
Where is the author's note?
Your quality of work has finally risen back to amazing and rising, continue.
9373651
We were in a mourning period due to the lack of cat puns in the comments.
9685358
This is a very darknyan day
(If you play yo-kai watch you will get these)