Magic, a staple of life throughout Equestria. All ponies relies on magic one way or another. Now, what would happen if a creature from another world where magic doesn't exist comes to Equestria, with the rules of his world embedded within his very being? Follow Mason Solstice as he fumbles his way through My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
Some story elements will be vague and will be explained later in the story.
Some ideas used from various sources like 'A Certain Magical Index'
Warning: This is a human turned pony. Go read other stories if this triggers you. And if it does, no need to express it in the comments, just go on your merry way and have fun doing other stuff.
Note: This is my first time writing an actual story with dialogue and characters. The only time I ever write is when I do essays, so positive feedback and constructive criticism is appreciated. Maybe you guys wanna help out? I don't know. May the literature gods have mercy on my soul.
A little bit janky, you change tenses a couple times and the flow is a little jagged, but not bad for your first story.
Let me know if want some advice, though I certainly couldn’t fault you if you wanted to stumble through it like most of us do.
8831960
I always did have problems keeping track of my tenses.
Grammar and pacing is kinda bad. The dialogue is kinda stilted as well. Deleting comments doesn't look good either.
8832050 I honestly think that's the most pleasant criticism I seen you give someone.
8832150
Another one. I don't give criticism, I'm explaining why I left a dislike on the story.
Facepalm
8832195 I suppose that's fair enough.
8832013
If you need some help with it I find that rereading my writing out loud to myself usually helps me catch stuff like tenses and phrasing and flow problems.
I'm doing this for fun and for practice, so if you don't like what you see, sorry.
Why isn't there a crossover tag?
8840843
Should there be?
I don't know
This is a nice story. Keep it up.
8841124
Thank you
Like said before, it's a bit janky. Try slowing down, adding more explanation of surroundings or how he gets places. He walked through town meeting magic ponies on the way. Think of it kinda like... A word minimum. For every chapter try and have at least... 500 words dedicated to exploration and character building to every 200 words of plot progression.... Or maybe less, IDK I ain't an expert.
EDIT: Keep in mind, I never said the story was bad. great idea, just needs refining.
8845965
Trying my best.
Again, this is just for fun and practice. Not really expecting to get better anytime soon.
8832050
Well this is their first story. Cut em some slack, I think the idea is pretty good.
8840843
Nah, while it's clearly inspired by CMI, I don't think this is all that related.
Okay, I am SOOOOO glad and surprised that you kept Rainbow's side of the story a secret from Mason. He SHOULDN'T know that and it irks me when stories make the characters know things they shouldn't in the cannon of the show.
EDIT: ALSO, not making mister protagonist the seventh. Glad we're past that stage in fimfiction.
Hmmm... One thing I can say for sure is, add more reactions. "They all stared at me for a moment, gladness clear in their eyes" stuff like that. You said you've only ever done essays and such so think of that as adding details to fluff out the essay. Not really needed to get the point across, but nice to read.
I figured I'd do a review of your story. The link below will send you to the page I uploaded the file to, since the review is long as hell and I know the FIMfiction comment section can't hold all the stuff I wrote. I double checked the link and it will download a Word document. If it doesn't work, let me know.
https://files.fm/f/nx8tp89m
I'm going chapter by chapter, so this isn't everything
8846126
No need to review me. I wouldn't want to trouble you with my mess of a story.
8846144
I do it because i enjoy it, and it may help you with each chapter broken down. I don't mind spending time doing it
8846150
Wow. Thanks. You know, it's kinda strange for me to see so many nice people on this website. I was kinda expecting a lot more negative comments.
8846154
Don't be fooled, there are a lot of people on this site that would rather insult you than be kind to you, but thankfully they are outweighed by the people that prefer to be passive or nice. Keep at it, try to listen to what people tell you when they critique your work. There is a lot of good advice in this comments thread.
8846162
No guarantee that my writing skills will get better, but I will definitely try my best to improve.
in his place I
m not sure why he didn't wanted to tell them anything, is he sure that he is no pony with his memory loss ?
hhhmmm i know the start but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Now i finally managed to read the first chapter and I guess that allowes me to look at the rest too. I mean I needed something to spark my interesst I guess.
I hope this doesn't ends with him getting show knowledge and telling everyone about everything.
That spunds to me as if everyone made that decision without mason.
somehow I missed the part where Pinkie told him that, but they should have asked about it. I actually don't mind small changes like in which this would maybe make Mason something like Twilights landlord or where she has to live somewhere else.
dumb? to me it sounded more like he didn't care.
he is that stupid too?, why not "Don't worry, there is someone to catch you". I mean it is the element of honesty not trust.
NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO he did the thing. This is just something I don't like to see sometimes, but nothing of the serious stuff for me so it's okay.
However i like it that he isn't useless, now I just hope that they actually talk or notice his abilities, some main chars don't even get the credit for what they did or are able to do.
I think I would have liked to see a hospital scene.
Okay that didn't looked like Celestia would force him to go, but since he didn't wanted to go i would still like to see him actually staying home. It is important to me that main chars sometimes show "If I don't want to do something that you can be Twilight Sparkle (or someone else) as much as you want I won'go.
I just got tired to see them changing their mind so fast because of silly things and not keeping their own opinion on things.
8846154
Here I want to say, even if I'm more or less only honest in my opinions, (depenst on the fact if my english is telling you exactly what I mean in german)
You can be sure I never try to be mean. I just now what I like and dislike and I'm not someone who will simply consume everything he get's and like it without looking at this or that too. Now i was kind of talking about the show but I guess the same goes for stories.
XD you don't know how long it takes to get over 10k words on a book when it's not your focus