After Queen Chrysalis's defeat, she has been seeking revenge. Meanwhile Discord breaks out of stone and decides to team up with the Queen. Together, nopony can stop them from thier rain of chaos and disharmony. Twilight and her friends discover that their powers combined has a stronger power than the Elements of Harmony.
Since Princess Celestia is tied up with indestructible rope and Luna sleeps during the day, Princess Cadence is the only one they can get to for help. But Princess Cadence has a magical portal to another dimension. She loans it to Twilight to get help from stronger creatures that are not from here. What they find is more than they had expected.
Chapters (1)
Needs a good deal of editing. Also, you need to watch what tense you're writing in, you kept switching between past and present tense.
If I was not at work I would totally read this right now. I might anyway...
First thoughts, a interesting and unique take on epic pony adventure with current villans. Looking forward to it.
Edit: Saw chapter 1 was only a thousand word. It is very fast paced and focuses on ideas and a comedic writing style, almost like a troll fic but so far not really troll like in content. I will wait for next chapter before thumbs up/down.
Also you had a format glitch in the first few paragraphs, please fix as it is the only glaring error.
974704 What kind of editing? Like, grammar and spell editing?
yah pretty much gramar. read aloud and edit for grammar. Also add a hook use descriptive writing. good luck.
yah pretty much gramar. read aloud and edit for grammar. Also add a hook use descriptive writing. good luck.
A little fast paced. Maybe slow down a bit, perhaps?
Da fuq i just read D:
But looking for more
Grammar and paragraph structuring, as well as spelling. Also, you need to look at how to format your paragraphs when writing dialogue. Each new speaker (with scant few exceptions) should start a new paragraph, otherwise it gets confusing.
Constructive criticism is appreciated! I'm new to fanfiction so I need some tips.
Ok, a couple of things, there was very few grammatical or spelling mistakes in this, and I congratulate you on that, but there are some other things that should probably be addressed.
The first one is really a structural error but most fanfiction writers tend to overlook it. When using speech, put each new dialogue on a new line, however if the speech is being said by the same person but with a break in it (i.e. "And then Ponyville..." She paused dramatically, "It will be mine!") then it carries on the same line.
Then there is the actual writing, you use basic description and never really develop the environment, if you vary the language used (i.e. using more complex language such as 'horrible' instead of 'bad') and put some time into describing the area they are in (i.e. instead of 'She sat down and decided to eat a potato.' you have 'She sat down on the cool surface of her oak chair and decided to eat a potato) then it keeps the reader interested and betters your work.
And then the pacing, you mentioned in an offhand way how Celestia was tied up with unbreakable rope, when did this happen? For a piece that's around 1000 words long you sure packed a lot in there, and that's not necessarily a good thing. Try to spread things out more, add in extra bits such as emotions etc. that give your story more depth.
And finally there is the use of the Proper Noun, almost every time you refer to the character as 'Queen Chrysalis', 'Discord' or 'the changeling', since you've established their names you can sometimes use descriptions in place of the name. (i.e. instead of 'Queen Chrysalis' put 'the Queen of the changelings', or for 'Discord' put 'the Lord of Chaos' etc) However, make sure you don't overdo it.
Anyway, this was a really long comment but I hope it helps you, the best thing you can do is to take the advice given to you by me and by others and try writing this chapter again, see if you make it better. I'll abstain from liking/disliking this fiction for now, and I hope to see what you can do.
i agree with arandompenguin
My bud was telling me his fic idea the other day that sounded oddly enough like Story of the Blanks. Never had he even heard of the idea, and was depressed at the thought that the idea was his own and original. Sadly,now,he won't be writing it. Point is, its not appreciated when sommeone steals anothers work.
so thanks
but lets see what i have to say shall we?
1) you stole the cover art from me. The whole reason I started writing that fic in the first place was because the picture(and a very close friend) inspired me to. I dont't appreciate it. It's not my art to take claim for, and being an artist i understand fully how irritating it is when you find your work has been disclaimed. I taked to the artist myself and let her know I was using her work.
2) Now I dont know were you got your iea from, and I'm not going to jump right out and accuse you of stealing because I dont know who thought of the idea first. But if you did take my idea, shame. If you admit to it,no harm done.
3) I appreciate you commenting nicely on y fic Buzz of Chaos, even thouh .y work is as horrid as it could be in that story.
4) Ok the description seems redundant. Thats all im sayin
1339211
Dude I got that picture from Google Images I swear! Besides I'm not planning to finish or go on with this story. I only did it to see if I was any good at this fanfiction writing stuff. Now I'm taking a creative writing class (not really, but a language arts class) and it teaches me to be a better writer.
So thank you for crushing my dreams as a famous author.