NickClash BCommander
Joined 10th Oct, 2017 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Weapons_X · 457k words · 1,179 111 · 19k views
- Hunter Knight · 13k words · 97 5 · 2.9k views
- Crimson Blade79 · 18k words · 126 15 · 2.7k views
- RandomChance · 11k words · 491 41 · 9.4k views
- hmaf43 · 60k words · 675 61 · 11k views
- SirEcho · 24k words · 1,392 38 · 18k views
- Radical Centrist · 123k words · 272 16 · 4.9k views
- PastyWaffles · 8.6k words · 495 46 · 13k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.246 seconds
Total duration
925 users online
2,421,491 hits today, 2,623,277 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Just warning you now that this exact premise has been done a lot (like, to death). You might want to change things up so your story doesn't look so cookie-cutter.
> Puts "by [UserNameHere]" in title
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/207/234/you-must-be-new-here-willy-wonka.jpg
And that's not all, folks!
Yeah, assuming this isn't a trollfic, I'm not holding out much hope for a quality story here. Either way, I think I'll pass.
I understand that my story has a lot of errors and that this kind of premise has been done plenty of times before already, but keep in mind, that this is my very first My Little Pony fanfiction ever so I'm new to this.
Besides, I originally only decided to write this story in the first place because I was looking for some good Human In Equestria stories and I couldn't find that many that really caught my interest. So I decided that if I wanted to read a good My Little Pony fanfiction that I knew I would like, then why not just make my own story instead? Afterall, what better My Little Pony fanfiction for you to read then a My Little Pony fanfiction that you wrote yourself! Long story short, I'm making this story completely for entertainment purposes only.
Some of you might not like my story, but my friend loves it!
Good first chapter, will be looking forward to the next one
8768565
Thanks, Phantom Night! This is my first ever My Little Pony fanfiction and while my grammar and punctuations aren't always perfect nor will there be any art, pictures or little videos to look at and watch to better understand my story like other MLP fanfiction authors do with their stories, I'm glad that you like my story! Hopefully, I can write and post the next new chapter within the next day or two so that you don't have to wait to long to see what happens next. Until then, though, have a good day and feel free to share this story with your friends or anyone else you know who enjoys reading fun, little My Little Pony fanfictions like this one.
Lots of wasted verbage. Was the bus driver in a hurry to get rid of his passengers? And where else would he drive off to? Save your breath and shorten it to: "The bus driver opened the front door of the bus after stopping. Eight people got off the bus. The driver closed the bus' door and drove away." Or perhaps, ". . . and drove out of sight."
And why else would they have suitcases and backpacks? Unnecessary exposition.
Should be: "The girls in the group were Alice and Claire." Most readers can count. Obviously, as you stated previously, there were two girls. You don't need to say that explicitly, AGAIN! The same for the "5 guys" in the previous sentence. Just go straight to naming them.
Department of redundancy department? Obviously he's the youngest because he's a BOY and not a GUY. Should be: "The boy's name was Eddie."
Should be: "Except for Eddie, they were all college students."
should be just: "He was wearing a red shirt, blue shorts and black and blue Sneakers." Saying "Right now" is a waste of effort, unless you're saying he just changed clothes from what he was wearing on the bus.
The clue to tighter writing is to look at each sentence and ask, "What is in this sentence that is a repetition of what I've already said?" (If you've mentioned something in the last page or two, you don't need to repeat it, just refer to it if you have to.) And then ask yourself, "What in this sentence is unnecessary verbage that doesn't contribute to the story in some manner."
Next, long sentences are more difficult for the reader to parse and assimilate what's being described. Short sentences are read fast, and as a result imply things are happening quickly. An action scene made up of six long sentences (twelve or more words) is nowhere near as exciting to the reader as the same scene where the average sentence length is six words, with none over ten.
Don't let the criticism wear you down. If it's constructive, consider using it. If not, ignore it. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Someone is always going to dislike what you write, so write for yourself and ignore the beasts that want to tear you down to make themselves feel tall.
And there is always room for improvement. Even Harlan Ellison (A Boy and his Dog, etc.), a pro-writer (my definition: someone who earns all their income from writing) took writing courses after being professionally published for twenty years.
"Tony pulled out a box of cigarettes from his backpack and went outside. He was a chain smoker and going too long without a smoke would put him in a really bad mood. Tony had a couple extra boxes of cigarettes just in case he ran out of cigarettes in that one box before he and the others were finished with their 3-day vacation."
There's an awful lots of exposition here, much of it could be moved into dialogue to make it more interesting. The personal histories could also be shoved deeper into the story, coming out as asides from the other characters or explaining to the other characters.
I.E., "Tony pulled out a box of cigarettes from his backpack. "I'm going out for a smoke," he called out.
"I swear," says Char. B, "He's smokes like a chimney."
"The only thing worse than him smoking," said Char. C, "is how testy he gets when he hasn't had a smoke in a while. Turns into right awful bear, he does."
"Good thing I brought extra packs then," Tony called back inside, laughing.
"I bet he brought enough for a week," Char. B said.
"Two weeks," Tony replied.
Ha! I don't think Eddie will be too comfortable inside the backpack watching those movies! Should be: "Gary, of course, had even more movies in his backpack for Eddie to watch."
Nope. Not believable. NOBODY packs their backpack with their expensive toys when they go outside to investigate a mysterious noise in the night. If it is something awful, as he suggested, a full and heavy backpack would only slow you down.
Totally unnecessary. It neither moves the plot forward, nor builds character sympathy. Delete it.
And if it destroyed a mile and half of the Everfree, why didn't it transport a mile and a half of Earth with it? Which would, by the way, allow the cabin to come through and thus alleviate the problem of their tech toys being lost and the problem of why they carted useless junk when exploring a mysterious noise in the night.
Apparently implies that the what follows might not be true. And the portal isn't a world in and of itself. Also, you didn't mention them floating in the air, that I recall. Should be: "Their unintentional and very unexpected trip through the portal had come to an end."
It's past MIDNIGHT! How can they see things that are three-quarters of a mile away? And again Department of Redundancy Department. Should be: ". . . they still thought they were on Earth."
Er, if he knows they fell through a portal then he knows they are not on Earth. Contradicts your previous ". . . they still thought they were on Earth."
I think the authorities would consider the destroyed forest as a rather VITAL point of evidence! And, again, Michael says they aren't on Earth anymore because they went through the portal. Are the rest too stupid to understand him?
Totally unnecessary. OF COURSE they won't forget it. That's like saying the survivors of Hiroshima will never forget the explosion. Well, how could they? Unless this is foreshadowing and at some point in the story they will all forget what happened to them.
They are marching in the middle of the night without a GPS or even a compass, how does he know where they are going? Even seasoned Park Rangers get lost at night. It's why they stop Search-and-rescue operations at night, it's too easy for the rescuers to get lost. They should have waited for dawn.
SPOILER ALERT! You don't need to say this. Twilight or someone else should say this to them. And most MLP fans recognize the blue flowers without you're telling us.
It is also impossible to run at night in a forest. I guarantee you'll break your ankle if you try. The ground is simply too uneven, and has far too many broken branches on the ground that form tripping hazards.
There are so many things wrong with that paragraph. First, the 8-year-old kid would long ago have been left behind by the SPRINTING adults. Or, if Eddie was being carried, the person carrying him would have been left far behind. Second, they don't know what the creatures are called, so you're naming them as the narrator is intrusive to the story. Third, again, Michael has repeatedly told them they went through a portal, so they should know they aren't home.
It should read: "Their hearts were beating like drums in their chests as they hurried through the forest! They could only hope that those creatures didn't get to them before they could get to the safety of their safe and comfy log cabin, where they could take shelter inside of and call the police for help."
Not anymore stupid than any other name for a town. BTW, there are no fewer than three towns in America called Mannville! Not to mention the Isle of Mann in the Atlantic Ocean, so thinking it's dumb for the ponies to name a town Ponyville must mean humans are at least three times dumber! Also: Ponyis an unincorporated community in northeastern Madison County, Montana, United States. (There's also Buffalo, NY, and Fly, NY, and about a dozen other towns in America named for animals.)
And Fluttershy almost never flies. It would make more sense for her to attract Dash and have her investigate them.
If you truly want others to read your fanfiction, you need to cut out all the narrator asides and pick a point of view character to follow. It makes it harder to write because you can only report what that character knows in the story, but it makes for a much better story, overall.
In your first paragraph, you keep repeating "now" a lot. Leave it out, unless it's part of the dialogue.
Unless she's actually saying the word "pant" it should be:
"Twilight!" she panted, "Strange creatures!" Pant. "I saw. . . ." Pant. "They're heading. . . " Pant." I've never seen. . ." Pant. "And I don't know what..." Pant. "And-"
Should be: "Twilight turned to face Spike and told him to write down, "Dear. . . "
And if Timber-wolves were all that sneaky, why haven't they already snuck into town and taken off with a few choice colts and fillies going to friends' houses after sundown? I just don't believe it.
Bailing now. Good luck!
Hey! Give me a break, tkepner! This is my first My Little Pony fanfiction ever and my writing, grammar and punctuating isn't always perfect either! While the way I'm writing this fanfiction isn't like the professionals, at least some people like one of my friends seems to enjoy it!
I'm not writing this story to become popular. I'm writing this story because I've been having a hard time finding good My Little Pony fanfictions that I enjoy to read and I just decided that I wanted to make my own MLP fanfiction instead to help me out with that. I made this fanfiction for entertainment purposes only so if you don't like it, then go read someone else's story. Just keep in mind that not everyone like me is perfect at writing and there are other MLP fanfictions that are written so terribly and have such stupid plots and characters that my fanfiction looks pretty good and decent in comparison to them!
My writing isn't always perfect and I admit that there are certain things in my story that seem very unrealistic and stupid, but this story is completely fictional and when reading fictional stories like MLP fanfictions, you should always be expecting for crazy and random stuff to happen!
If you don't like the way I'm writing my story, then you don't have to read it. This is my story and I'll write it how I want to!
tkepner, I know what I'm doing. I intentionally didn't have the Timber Wolves immediately sneak into and attack Ponyville. Regardless of what you think, you have to admit that this chapter was kind've fun and interesting. Are you forgetting that plot twist I just did when Twilight and Rarity both used their magic on the group of 8 humans, only to find out that John, Gary, Michael, Ned, Alice, Claire, Tony and Eddie are immune to magic!?
Come on! You have to admit that I at least am putting some effort into my writing! There has to be at least one thing or two in this story so far that you did like!
tkepner, if you're reading this, please understand that this is my first MLP fanfiction ever and my writing isn't perfect either. I'm only writing this story for entertainment purposes, not to become popular. If you or anyone else who's reading my story doesn't like how I'm writing it or thinks that I'm a terrible writer, then you don't have to read my story if you don't want to.
Like all MLP fanfictions, my story is entirely made up so it doesn't matter if some things seem a bit random or are unrealistic. This is a fictional story made by me, not real life.
tkepner, if you or anyone else does find something in my story that you do like, then I'll appreciate and all positive feedback and comments that you give me as I continue writing this story.
8784792
Its called constructive criticism. You'll encounter quite a bit of it here, but trust me: most of the time, it's given because people believe that you can improve. You have two choices. Either follow their advice, or pull an EV and apologize for absolutely everything and never improve.
8784792
Also, there's a little >> in the top right of every comment card. That's how you reply to a comment and let the person you replied to know that they have a new message.
oh dear
i.imgur.com/LJfKUlf.jpg
okay, you should really listen to that grammar/sentencing/phrasing advice from earlier in this thread instead of just shrugging it off like he's just said your story is absolute dog shite which he didn't
8784792
they're not telling you to do these things to become popular, they're telling you these things to try and get you to improve if you yourself say your writing isn't perfect here: 8775828
everyone needs a helping hand now and again
and also
digitalspyuk.cdnds.net/17/11/480x240/landscape-1489773501-andromeda.gif
I mean
they're your friend, so...
8782228
that's not a good attitude to have as a writer tbh
I understand that people like you are trying to help me out with my story, but to be honest, this is as good as I can write so it's not going to get any better than this.
I'm sorry if I unintentionally offended you and sounded a bit rude. What matters most to me about my story is that I'm doing the best I can and in the end, that's all anyone can really ask for.
Aside from my writing, what do you guys think of my story so far? Do you like the characters and all my OC human characters?
8784901
One of my personal favorite OC human characters is Tony. He smokes, drinks beer and swears a lot, which is exactly how I intended for his character to be like.
8784901
Sorry for how I acted earlier. If you don't want to accept my apology and no longer wish to read my story, I'm okay with that.
8784866
As long as you're getting some enjoyment out of my story, then I'm okay with getting a little constructive criticism, even though I'll still keep writing my story exactly as I have been writing it. Still, as always, it's good to see that people like you are reading my story at all and that alone, is good enough for me.
Okay, everyone! Here's the new chapter of my story! I'm sorry about the longer than usual wait that I made you go through, but I'm back and I hope that you all continue to read and enjoy my story!
8804554
Nobody is gonna know that you posted that comment at all until they click on the story. A tagged blog post or a forum thread in group serves for much better promotion.
Sorry, guys, for taking so long to update and post another new chapter! I've been busy with school, homework, family, friends, chores, watching tv, playing video games, watching creepypastas on YouTube and reading other fanfics. Plus, I've also been a bit lazy recently and it wasn't until today that I finally had the time, the energy and the creativity to continue my MLP fanfic again. I hope to be able to update sooner and not keep you all waiting for the next new chapter as long as I did for this new chapter. Hopefully, I should have the next chapter out in the next few days at most. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and I'm already planning out the next one right now.
So, basicly canceled, right? If I were to imagine a show with out those, there wouldn't be a show after season 3. Or Twilight and her friends would be dead. One of the two.
I hope you're really enjoying my story so far! I plan to have the next new chapter out by the end of this coming weekend at the latest. Feel free to share your thoughts and let me know how you feel about where my story is going and whether or not you liked or didn't like this chapter.
Let's see where this goes. Put you into read later.
8924295
I'm glad you're interested in this story. I know that these past 2 chapters haven't been that exciting, but I intend for my story to start get even better soon! The news of the discovery of the humans in Ponyville is gonna help lead to even bigger and more exciting events later on!
8924295
I'm mainly making this story because I'm bored and I wanted to try my hand at doing a MLP fanfic. My writing isn't perfect and I've seen others do better, but I've got some good ideas that I'm gonna use and what really matters is that I'm enjoying writing this story. But I do like it when others are also getting some enjoyment and pleasure from reading this story, too.
I hope you continue enjoying it, because I will. And I am glad that you have such a good reason to write, lord knows there are worse ones.
Dude, or dudete I can't tell, there is a reason there has never been a good HIE story. Hasbro abandoned the idea after G1 ended. For a good reason probably.
Now I know this is your first story (and everyone on this site has been at this point), but there were plenty of other genres that would've been easier to do.
I'm wondering why pick one of the worst to start with?
8937719
I just felt like doing my own Human In Equestria story and I had a bunch of interesting and creative ideas that I just had to make this fanfiction. Plus, I've been having a hard time finding any Human In Equestria fanfictions that I like so I just decided that writing my own story would help me a bit with that. Afterall, if that fanfiction that I'm reading is one that I made myself, I don't see how I could not like it.
I hope you all enjoy this new chapter! I meant to have it done yesterday, but I got sidetracked and didn't get started writing this until last night. Since I kept you waiting longer than I have for the past few chapters, I tried to make up for it by making this chapter extra long and even more exciting than the past couple chapters. Things are starting to get interesting again and only time will tell now about what fate has in store next for my 8 human characters and the Elements Of Harmony.
I hope everyone is enjoying where my story is going. Things are starting to get intense exciting again and only time will tell what our 8 main human characters (plus the 4 other newcomers) will do now! Can the group of 12 humans outsmart the Changeling hive and escape or will they become the cause of the downfall and destruction of all of Equestria!? Will the Elements be able to rescue them or will Chrysalis finally get her long-awaited revenge on the 6 ponies and all of Equestria!? Tune into the next chapter that I will be releasing sometime this coming weekend to see what happens next!
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! I know this probably isn't the most exciting chapter so far, but I promise that the next one will be much more exciting.
9026131
I'm sorry that this new chapter didn't come out as soon as I told you it would. I've been busy watching creepypasta videos on YouTube, going to work, spending time with my family and working on another fanfiction for a friend of mine. Between all of that, my schedule has been kind of tight lately. But I'm back now and I'm just glad to have made and posted another new chapter now even though this one is shorter than all the others and probably the least exciting of them all.
Sorry about the long wait all my fellow readers. Between work, college, homework, watching creepypasta videos and reading other fanfics online and my bad habit of procrastinating when it comes to writing stories, it took me weeks to finally make and post the new chapter. I meant to have it ready by the end of last month and I already knew how this chapter was gonna play out, but unfortunately, even then, it takes me a good few hours to make another new chapter, especially long ones like this one! So I ended up spending the last few days slowly typing and editing it little by little at a time until decided that I was finished, reviewed what I had made and was satisfied with how it turned out.
Anyway, this chapter marks the end of what I like to call, 'The Changeling Menace Arc' of this story! I don't know when I'll have the next new chapter ready and posted online, but I do promise you won't have to wait another 4 weeks or so for it to come out. Plus, the next two chapters or so will be shorter chapters and I already know what's gonna happen next so expect the next new chapter to come out sometime this weekend or Thursday, at the latest! Until then, I hope you continue to enjoy my story and please feel free to reread all the chapters and leave some comments if you liked this chapter or not!