- Member Since 8th Feb, 2018
- offline last seen February 16th
riicky83
Sunset Shimmer is my dream girl.
riicky83
Joined 8th Feb, 2018 ·
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Do more of this please
8732387
Don't worry I have a few more up my sleeves that'll involve the rest of the cast, I'm currently thinking up one for Applejack.
All I need is to think of how to start it and how to fill it plus I might have somepony else on the receiving end somewhere in the story as time stop can be used anywhere for its fun.
Mmmore
8732387
8737593 yess, plz i want too read mor ebecause im 12 year old an i can master bait my 1 inch weiner to the cover art while i read all my favorit fuck words!
Now he has 2 Panties Of the whole set
Good to see the story back up
I feel like this story needs some serious pep talk about how to fix grammar mistakes. Also, it feels like its being rushed on the sex scenes which is pretty much in all the chapters. Tone it down, put a little effort to it on the sex scenes and describe it more better please.
Also when someone is speaking, put a comma, period, explanation mark, or whatever on it. It really helps. And capitalize the beginning of it.
8752591
I'm still new to writing would you please show me what you mean.
take a portion of the story and show me how you'd write it so I can see the difference.
As for rushing the sex scenes, I'm confused, do you mean they are short or are they in the story too soon.
A few time consuming hours after grabbing his things, he left her house by using the spare keys that luckily she gave him.
"See ya on my cock soon," He purred, lustfully.
Applejack could barely answer as she was completely exposed, ass naked on the floor with her arse in the air practically trembling from the wonderful, and rough, blissful, sex in her life.
See how I separated the dialogue from the paragraph. It makes it more easier to read. Many people had this exact problem (Including me) but with time and effort, you can make this story a flawless story that would extend from the others. I learned this problem the hard way, so please don't make the mistake like I did.
I do hope that this help.
8752991
Does Grammarly do this? I have it but only the free version that mostly does simple spell checks.
8753036
Sadly no, but I wish
8738787
Good lord, I understand the story isn't well written but is it really necessary to insult the people who enjoy it? It's sadder because people keep down voting their comments for that very reason. Just leave them be, they have done no harm to anyone.
Poor pacing, poor descriptions, mary sue main character that is completely unrelatable, doesn't really explore the emotional side of things that writing taps into at it's best.
At least I got to read about genitals touching.
My friends challenged me to not get hard while reading this....Damned girls always know my weaknesses. I swear they can really taunt me sometimes...Anyways, the story is good, the writing as well. and yes, I failed the challenge...
Well nice to see he’s getting some form of self control now.
too much fun, you're going to continue with the story
Any more?
Hey! The mane 6 are the real bitches cow c***
Everyone: *gasp*
Screw you all I have a lot of blades and a lot of anger. Fight me!