I’m gonna help you out here and let you know that you need to utilize proper punctuation, capitalization, and I would reccomend you don’t fall into the “use “ ‘s “ all the time” trap. In your description, you use the word “pony’s” which is used improperly. The word you are looking for is “ponies,” as “pony’s” indicates posession or it is used as a contraction of the words “pony” and “is.”

I got all of this from just reading the description, mate.

On to the story! Here I see the capitalization and punctuation are used well, so that’s good! A lot of the sentences feel too short, but that can be fixed by adding some commas and extra descriptions! Throw in a few descriptive words here and there as well. Here’s one of your sentences that I felt was a little short:

Ace went to his window and pushed the curtains aside.

Some things to consider here are some descriptors that give a bit of background. What color are the curtains? Is the window small? Is it cracked? Is it dirty? I took some of these questions and stuck some random answers to them into your original sentence so you can see what I mean:

Ace went to the only window in his room and pushed the dusty, blue curtains aside.

The sentence is just a little longer, but it’s much more full! If you need any help with this, feel free to ask me.

When writing, proper grammar, apitalization and spelling go a long way! Keep this in mind and you could go places

With all this in mind, I do like where you are going with the story so far, so definetly don’t give up!

Agai , if you need help with any of this, feel free to let me know!

Cheers,
Moonie