After years in a coma, Twilight wakes in a strange body, along with dark markings, as well as her memories gone. Soon she sees her home Equestria has been taken over by Vamponies, Twilight must figure out what happened and how to stop the Vamponies.
8726445 Only a Buildup chapter, I'll make sure the next one is longer but had to scratch this off the board since this is my most popular while I handle my other stories ^^
The content of the chapter is good and all but the execution leaves much to be disired. There’s nothing to tell the reader when a scene change happens or even much of a scene discription. The part with the vampires has only dialogue. Nothing to show who bold font is or why we should be worried about him. Is he the actual leader? Is Bold just some secretary to the bigger bad? We don’t even know what Bold even looks like in the slightest except that he’s a vampire.
Having a strictly dialogue section may work in games, but not a book. Tell us what room these vampires are in, if there were any others listening in. Maybe the big bad was in the middle of feasting on someone or was just woken up to listen to the report.
The same could be said for most of the rest of the chapter, but the vampires were the worst offenders. Also, when you do a scene change, use this [hr ] and remove the space between the r and ]. It creates a line break that better informs the reader of a scene change without needing additional text to inform the reader.
8726738 Thank you so much for that -hr- trick and I edited the Vampire Scene and added some insight to where they might be, but I don't wish to say too much as for the scene between Twilight and Helsing those were only voices and no vision and the last one I don't wish to make it too obvious to who the two ponies are.
MOAR. That is all.
Nice chapter
8726127
Ask and you shall receive :)
Is this a crossover with the anime/manga Hellsing? Because I should warn you, I'm not a fan of that particular anime/manga.
8726204
Nope it is not, this is based off the actual Helsing Legend, not Hellsing.
awesome! Cant wait to read more!
So far so good.
well i like this
seems short on chapter length but thats of no concern, i'm still enjoying this.
Thank you for a good chapter, my good sir.
8726445
Only a Buildup chapter, I'll make sure the next one is longer but had to scratch this off the board since this is my most popular while I handle my other stories ^^
nice work
The content of the chapter is good and all but the execution leaves much to be disired. There’s nothing to tell the reader when a scene change happens or even much of a scene discription. The part with the vampires has only dialogue. Nothing to show who bold font is or why we should be worried about him. Is he the actual leader? Is Bold just some secretary to the bigger bad? We don’t even know what Bold even looks like in the slightest except that he’s a vampire.
Having a strictly dialogue section may work in games, but not a book. Tell us what room these vampires are in, if there were any others listening in. Maybe the big bad was in the middle of feasting on someone or was just woken up to listen to the report.
The same could be said for most of the rest of the chapter, but the vampires were the worst offenders. Also, when you do a scene change, use this [hr ] and remove the space between the r and ]. It creates a line break that better informs the reader of a scene change without needing additional text to inform the reader.
Two souls, one body, eh? Not the most original, but it does explain well Twilight's metamorphosis and her new found innate abilities.
Good to now the other Princesses are still okay. As well as Fluttershy and I think it's Rainbow with her also at the end?
Anyway keep on going, this story is really interesting me.
8726738
Honestly, I should fix that, I was gonna keep it suspenseful but you have a point.
MORE!!!!
8726738
Thank you so much for that -hr- trick and I edited the Vampire Scene and added some insight to where they might be, but I don't wish to say too much as for the scene between Twilight and Helsing those were only voices and no vision and the last one I don't wish to make it too obvious to who the two ponies are.