- Member Since 5th Dec, 2015
- offline last seen Oct 26th, 2023
The-Black-Knight
Hey everyone, BK here! Just wanted to give a quick word of thank you for your interest x3 If you want to help support me, check out this link! https://www.patreon.com/AidenFlack
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0/10 needs more dakka
Needs more DAKKA!
But seriously... this was a good read. Could have been better, but for now it was good enough.
Orks next?
8577299
Best I could do under current circumstances -_- been sick for over a week and working til body is sore.
Daaaamn! Awesome work!
8577311
In that case, this should considered a 9/10
Hope you won't be sick and sore for any longer
glorius.. just.. glorius.. the power of a warlord class titan is nothing to scoff at.. prase be the mashein spirt, you have done it a great servise
its perfet
I wonder, could one make friends with a Titan who is trying to sleep?
... I didn't realize that this was a Warhammer 40k story until it mentioned the Astartes... I thought it was titan fall... Astounding story though!!!
Well now... Have a thumbs up.
And that was only a Warlord class Titan.
Such badassery.
This is quite good.
8578889
Wait, what? o.o
8578822
I LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!
8578880
Mhm :3 his Titan Legion has 1 Imperator, 2 Warlords, 3 Reavers, and 4 Warhounds.
I love the story but you should go back through it and edit a bit. Not much wrong except some minor grammar errors here and there.
Okay, so, some issues:
1. Every/almost every end-quote has a white box after it
Likely an error/artifact from importing.
2. You need to use contractions when characters are speaking, saying "Do not, cannot, will not," etc. instead of "don't, can't, won't" is really awkward and not something that a actual person would say when speaking. Example underlined above. (Unless being highly formal, so in rituals, ceremonies, in court, things where the response is prescribed, it's fine, in conversation use the contractions.)
This one is fairly endemic throughout the chapter, which suggests it's a prevailing issue you may want to try to fix.
In general you seem to write a bit too formally, characters seem a bit stiff. Try being a bit looser in their dialogue and mannerisms. Write sentences you would actually say to someone else in a similar situation. (Not getting into the whole "Write it as you say it/as it sounds" vs. "Grammatical correctness and rules are absolute" issue, as it is something I have minimal knowledge of, doesn't apply to the point I'm making, and is way too long for this.)
Advice and edits offered without malice, goodnight.
Poor grammar and poor formatting are unfortunately going to keep me from finishing this. Also, what is with those squares...
8579120
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah again, *points down in the lower parts of the comments* Already explained why my writing is a bit off. Usually I am a bit looser, by my mind is half way gone with this whole cold situation. In all honesty, the moment I started, I was rushing to get finished. Also, those weird symbols IS because of something involving FiMFiction... I CAN’T GET RID OF THEM! Even after combing through the story five times, they still pop up.
8579165
Ah, yeah, I did see the comment saying you weren't at your best condition after I had posted that. Oops. Ah well.
(Gotta remember, 1. Make sure you're on the right chapter when replying. 2. Check the comments to see if someone already said it/it's already answered. I'm always forgetting to do one or both before commenting.)
8578908
And how many Knights?
8579201
There are no Imperial Knight Supports, House of Corvain aids after an incident.
8579201
If you mean how many Titans are in the Legio? Well... 1 Imperator, 2 Warlords, 3 Reavers, and 4 Warhounds x3
Suffer not the mutant,
For it shall be killed without mercy
Suffer not the heretic,
For the heretic will burn by the fury of a thousand suns
Suffer not the xeno,
For the xeno shall be purged wherever it is found
Let none live in your wrath
Tense issues, a lot of telling rather than showing, some reveal choices could be better, a bit too much giggling and levity in a situation like this, and this Warlord seems to have the tech-heresy of True AI, as it is its own being with sense of self rather than the rudimentary dim sentience such interface-reliant machines tend to have, like the other Titans, Knights, and Dreadnoughts.
I can buy the 'Imperium helping Equestria' bit simply because the God Emperor was not actually out to kill all xenos like the modern Imperium believes, he just didn't want any of them becoming a threat to the Imperium's rule over the galaxy - if I remember correctly he was originally on fairly decent terms with the Eldar, even. That's easy to take in and doesn't break any immersion - but I'm not sure how to explain an AI titan that isn't of the Castigator class.
The fight scene could have been more intense, it did feel like I was being told "It did a thing. The thing was awesome." rather than being made to feel the power and effect of the Titan.
But technical criticism aside (really just a list of things to keep in mind for when you feel better, not an intended offense on the story), the story itself was fun and I feel like the Mechanicus doesn't get a big enough slice of the pie when it comes to people geeking over 40k.
8580200
Towards the AI thought, I spoke to my Loremaster about it and he confirmed that Warlords CAN have AIs that have sense of self. He gave me an example from the Titan Legion book where a young princeps took over as the former died of natural causes mid battle, and that said Titan refused any other that would attempt it. The Titan class you mention is also a high tier Imperial Knight Class, Warhounds and above do have their own AI(noticed it also in several books involving their ships as well). So a Warlord that has a particular AI with a sense of self, due to it being around for so long and had many princeps prior, can be expected. Customs Aeterna is the same.
8580200
As for the giggling, I tried to center it around just Songbird(my impression from what clips I saw of the movie she is a carefree individual). Since, she knows everything will be alright, because she also knows who they are going to see.
Suggestion: if the story were spread out over multiple chapters, it would help with the fast pace issue. Also, don't Titans sometimes fuse their pilots into their interfaces? At times to the point where the pilot and titan become inseparable without killing the pilot? Perhaps human and pony physiology is different and Twilight could have substituted physical contact with magical, but I feel it should have taken a greater toll on her than just great exhaustion.
I liked the Tirek v. Titan battle and would like to see more, especially longer battles with damage dealt to both players. That would really up the tension and keep me reading!
8580346
1. It was rushed bc I haven’t been feeling well and soreness was kicking in, not long after I started I wanted to just -finish- the blasted thing.
2. Wasn’t meant to be a multi-chapter story, just a long one shot.
3. Magic replaced the linking, Twilight used a great deal of magic to waken and allow the Titan to move as if it had a Princeps. In otherwords, she turned him into a construct for a short amount of time.
4. Tirek was up against a -Warlord- Battle Titan. According to my Loremaster, whose done every bit of research before I even attempt a story, it would have been a good match up between Tirek and a Reaver Battle Titan. The fact he is up against a Warlord should be enough to tell one that the fight could have ended a lot quicker. Except, Tirek got lucky a few times but that quickly ran out. Warlords have enough firepower to reduce him to nothing but ash in a single go. Reaver, yeah would have been a tense fight. Warlord? Barely a morning work out. Imperator? Well... Tirek might as well sit down, pray to his god, and wait for that massive obliteration to come.
5. Still sick, and its driving me insane. Sorry if I seem a bit “RAWR” x.x this medicine has me quite weird atm.
0/10 Imperium of man needs to exterminate the xenos
8580899
This requires more study, they could also be Abequines of some sort, definitely not heretics as the Emperor has set them a guardian. And as they breed (somewhat) true and their oddities are not diverging they might not be mutants.
I like Titan Fall cross overs.
8582279
:x this isn’t a Titan Fall Crossover.
8577366
I agree - this was a good work, despite the signs of tiredness due to illness present through the fic.
An editor could make this shine the way it deserves.
8577311
Just as a suggestion - perhaps the rules allow it, perhaps not - but it is best to not have music outside of MLP franchise within the story. There were other fics which were pulled down because of that.
I have to say, you managed to move me with the epicness of the Titan through its presence in the story - was smiling in good spirits with its greatness.
Other than that, it was a great work despite you not feeling well when doing it. I do suggest you get an editor to iron out its flaws, though - it'll make it even better, i assure you.
It's an interesting concept for a story, but could use some work. I feel for the most part I'd just be repeating Aurora Dimmet and Drakstice though so I'll be brief.
Some of your choice of wording feels really off. I'm going to stick the most obvious one here:
"Now, the Magos Prime looked like some sort of video game final unbeatable boss..."
This is the kind of language you'd use in a parody, to make something feel less serious, especially after a long description of the Magos gearing up for battle.
8582471
I’ve posted music in majority of my stories :x and have yet to be pulled down... Then again, the places I linked often had the artists credited, so it is not me taking the credit for the music. I know of what you’re talking about, and many times those links held songs where artists were not credited... I’M CAREFUL XD I no like lawsuits x.x
8582525
Well, that is a relief. =D
8582279
>>Warhammer 40,000
Titan wiki page
----------------------------------
To author:
Definitely one of the rare WH40K crossovers, and even more rare one that has minor problems. Might want to revise the grammar, because at one point the page displays some other coding for the quotation marks. Certainly a fun read.
This is actually against site rules, put it in the Author's Notes
8592511
There is actually a reason, look at the other stories I write and you’ll see it.
Awesome one-shot. Was this Dawn of War?
8592650
I'd rather not have to go through your stories to find the reason.
There may be a reason, but there is also a reason for rules. If it's the author speaking, not part of the story, it goes in the author's notes.
8592694
That is your choice, and I will not force you to look for the reason. All I am going to say, is that I do not right these like your average author. Every story is linked in some way, and there is a purpose for it.
8579201
Knights are not Titans, and as such aren't part of any Titan Legions.
8579259
That is an incredibly small Legion. More like a demi-Legio really. I read a novel not too long ago that followed a Pallidus Mor (a Warlord of which is the picture for this story) demi-Legio consisting of at least 20 Titans, with the story taking place after they've suffered losses. Admittedly they didn't field any Imperator, but there were about six or seven Warlords with lots of Reavers and Warhounds.
8796828
They aren’t a large Legio, but they’ve been fighting for a very long time. You also gotta factor in, their Flag-Titan is an Imperator.... Meaning, it makes up for such firepower on its own.
8796853
Imperators aren't that powerful. They're far deadlier than any one of the other classes, but even with an Imperator, the group you've named is demi-Legio sized. Are they at low strength because of casualties?
8797331
According to what I’ve learned, it requires the combined firepower of twenty titans just to bring down an Imperator for good. Custos Aneteram makes up for the missing Titans with his own sheer firepower, and like I said. Their Legio is small for a reason, since they are fielding an Imperator as their flag-titan. The two Warlords are there to act as guards for it, while the Reavers and Warhounds go hunting. They are also sworn to an Astartes Chapter and a Sub-Sector Defense Force. So, they are part of a MUCH larger force.
I wanna see the strongest TITAN!!!!!
8845444
Custos made an appearance in Her Guardian Within the Shadow. But, I may plan a stand alone for him.