CHS has two new comers, and something tells Sunset Shimmer that these two boys might have a little something special about themselves.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 12th Oct, 2017
- offline last seen Yesterday
armid
Only those who follow their dreams will get to see them come true!
armid
Joined 12th Oct, 2017 ·
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Sequels1
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armid · 5.5k words · 11 3 · 448 views
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A sequel to a 404 error.
Fix your spelling. I saw your story, and, I have to be brutally honest, it gave me a headache. FIX IT PLEASE
9371398
Will do.
9370994
It's not. A sequel.
9371425
If it's not a sequel why does it say it's a sequel?
9371846
I tried to fix it and email the creators of the site. But it didn't work
9370994
I fixed that problem
9371398
Hey, it took me a while but I fixed it all!
9813797
I see that, im glad you did and it actually made for a moderately good read. Not the best, but it wasnt horrible. One thing though. I would suggest you try work on your punctuation and spaces. Ill show you
I shot a big fireball towards the door and the debris. That opend the way. Then I ran out with the kid. His parents were so happy.They thanked me over and over . Then the firefighters started gathering around . I ran off. I needed time and quiet to think about what happened . (this is yours)
I shot a big fireball towards the door and the debris, that opened the way. Then I ran out with the kid, his parents were so happy. They thanked me over and over again. Then the firefighters started gathering around. I ran off because I needed time and quiet to think about what had happened. (this is how i corrected it.)
9814169
Thanks, this was my first story, and I didn't have enough experience, check my other storys I'm sure you will see the difference.
And could you please pick up your dislike?
9814780
What dislike?
9815268
You didn't leave a dislike?
9815290
No
This is actually quite good! I like that the whole thing so far is one big letter to Princess Twi, and I really like your OC’s too. The negative reviews this story got are understandable because of the literary problems, but that doesn’t take away from the story itself. In my honest opinion, this is a great first story. Seriously, my first fic ever was literal trash, but this has a good plot, good characters, plus some funny moments too!
Keep up the good work! Don’t let a little criticism stop you from writing - the more you write the better you get! Trust me on that.
Nice song! Liked that added detail.
10291802
Thanks,
Considering that English is not my actual launguege I believe I have done well in those regards.
The sequels are already up and I have technically ended a season.
10291808
Appericiated, wish I could somehow put music here.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/213901/my-little-reviews-feedback/thread/442760/reviewing-control-the-power
There is a great concept here, but a ton of spelling errors. I had to take the extra step of editing the entire first chapter so that way you can have a guide to improve your editing skills. I left a link to it in the review, but be willing to put more changes on top of it. Keep working on it. Fixing the spelling alone will take the story up several points.
10347435
Considering that English is my second launguege and I had no experience in English writing I believe it is understandable that there is spelling errors. Though I have fixed those in my later stories.
By the way, I extremely appreciate that you tried to fix my errors but you don't really have to. The fact that you gave a review on it is really generous by it self.
I'm liking this story so far and looking forward to how it goes and the sequels to it.
10428670
I hope you enjoy them too.
10430933
I will
10430937
just be warned that i may revisit my old stories (the ones you are reading) soon to improve them so they might be temporarely un acceceble.
10432569
Thanks for the heads up.
A Review for You
you have to be careful in introducing OCs to not have information overload. this description is just a list of traits that don't really cohere into anything, so the reader won't remember it. sticking to "tall like Big Mac" and "pale, almost silvery" and nothing else would leave only the most impactful details. remember: if you can get away with not describing something, don't describe it!
moving the explanation of her abilities here (and then shortening it) would make this part flow better. also, where's the rest of the interaction? does Sunset do anything besides not shake hands?
this is a really passive way of describing it. he presumably only asked this once, so why not make it an actual scene like you do with Sunset's dialogue in the following paragraph?
this just seemed like a sequence of events to round out a "tour of the school" than anything else. lots of details that are both unnatural to explain at that level of depth and at this point seem very irrelevant to the story. starting out, remember that every moment should either move the plot along or reveal something about the characters. speaking of, Sunset's voice, characterization, and motivation seem very absent here. it really could have been any character in her place were it not for the detail of her empathy powers being mentioned once.
no explanation of how they know? "we know you have magic" is extremely vague. what is the reaction of the girls? this scene just doesn't flow right.
actually, no meeting has occurred before this point. Sunset gave them a tour, there was barely any conversation, and that was it. there's a missing scene before this establishing their actual characters and the initial impressions between them and the girls.
more to the point, what do they mean by "you have magic"?
this is how the conversation should have started, and then unfolded naturally to get a better sense for these characters, before further information reveals. here it came out of nowhere and had no impact because there was no reason to care about these characters.
i am very confused by this. they asked the girls for help, and the girls want to help. why are they confused?
see? there are fun ideas and moments of characterization here.
why would Sunset even care about this?
so this is very awkward. this is the moment when the character develops, but it entirely happens off-screen and is being relayed secondhand. sticking to Sunset's point of view means that you can't really get around this, but then restructuring your story so that the reader can actually see the story happen might be a good idea in that case.
OC stories are very difficult to write, and one common pitfall is having the entire story and world suddenly revolve around them for no particular reason. this story is entirely from the point of view of Sunset and the girls, and it should feel like a day in the life of this group of friends, but instead the camera keeps shifting to these OCs without giving the reader a reason to care about them.
if you really want to tell this story, i suggest the following: write this as a story about Sunset and her friends. a day in their life, filled with all the details that come with being a group of teenage girls in high school with friends and activities and cares and concerns. in the corners, have your OCs show up as just another part of this day, and not at all an important part. they are Wallflower Blush in Forgotten Friendship before her villain reveal. introduced, character traits painted boldly and quickly, and then the focus moves back off them, back to the girls. and then at some point this confrontation and reveal happens, climaxing with the use of the empathy stone. once you have that foundation, hopefully you'll have an easier time finding a way to get to the resolution you sought in the second chapter that is a story with events instead of the mush of talking heads it is now.
the EqG characters are well-established ones we know and love. if you can't write a story focusing on them that is interesting, you are not ready to write a story centered on OCs. when you write the girls interacting with just each other, there is actual characterization and traits that shine through, while when any interactions with the OCs happen, the characters suddenly turn wooden and unnatural robots that only exist to reveal the next bit of information about the OCs that there was never any reason for the characters to be interested in knowing or revealing in the first place. keep the story centered on the girls, and make their reactions to events drive the story.
11012311
Noted.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. And I can see what you are getting at. Perhaps I might do ANOTHER edition after some time but for now...I'll wait.
I realize it would make sense to give the girls more time and prolong the reveal. That would probably make it more interesting. However, in case of the boys, it would have made more sense this way. (Or maybe thats me.)
This is a series. And mayhaps I didnt do that much of a good job with the first entry. But I will wait before calling the final call on whether I should come back and change it up a bit more, or leave it be and let the characters be known and grow through the rest of the series.
I hope you at least didnt bash your head against a wall while reading this and found it a bit interesting. 😅
Your review sir
The review
Here is your review from WAR: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/215274/reviewers-mansion/thread/484931/war-review-of-control-the-power-by-armid
Here's my basic review and some pointers. It's certainly better than the last time I read it, but it could still use some work. (I'm typing this on a tablet, so excuse grammatical or spelling errors please.)
Grammar: 4/10. Improper capitalization and overuse of ellipses were what stood out to me. The spelling could use some work.
Flow: 2/10. The writing felt extremely stunted and slightly rushed.
Execution: 1/10. This plot has potential, but it's executed poorly.
Characterization: 5/10. The characters' dialogue and mannerisms felt extremely OOC.
Dialogue: 1/10. Again, bad grammar and stunted dialogue.
Overall score: 13/50 or 26%.
Reading the comments, I see that you are not a native English speaker. In that case, I can understand the errors in this story. Both of my parents are immigrants and though they speak English fluently, my mother's written English is... not the best. But on the flip side, I'd probably suck at writing a story in Telugu, even though I speak it fluently. Kudos for trying and putting a story out there!
11295692
Thank you.
I plan on a re take... Soon.
Its been quite some time since I wrote this. A lot has happened.
I hope you'll see the improvements once the new fic "Chained Beast Of The Dungeon" comes out.
Hopefully, i manage to get those scores up by a 5 each once I rewrote this.
And, sorry, but I dont remember you. You said you read this before...
11295698
Yeah, I have, but that was before I made an account.