• Published 1st Nov 2017
  • 3,552 Views, 75 Comments

Fertility Contest - Admiral Biscuit



An odd quirk of Equestrian law is that the mayor of an Earth Pony town can be challenged to prove her qualifications. Night Flower thinks she's got a shot to beat Mayor Mare.

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An Eleven-Month Duel

Fertility Contest
Admiral Biscuit

Night Flower and Toffer sat in a corner booth at the Canterlot Hay Burger, where they often met for lunch.

Usually, they'd gossip about their clients and their friends and the happenings around town, but this time Night Flower had a different topic in mind.

“You ever think of doing something new and different?”

“Eh, not really.” Toffer shrugged. “Why, are you?”

“Yesterday when I was reading the newspaper, there was a little article about odd Equestrian laws, and one of them was that you could challenge the mayor in an earth pony town to a fertility contest.”

“So?”

“So? Don't you think I'd be a good mayor?”

“I guess, maybe? I dunno, have you ever tried being a mayor before?”

“So yesterday, I went to the library and looked up some of the lawbooks and it was true, you could do it. And I got to thinking, 'cause you remember how a coupla moons ago there were a bunch of small-town mayors who all met Princess Celestia?”

Toffer shook her head.

“Well, I happened to see some of them and I remember that Mayor Mare looks like she's getting old. I bet I could challenge her and become the mayor of Ponyville.”

“Why would you want to? I’ve heard it gets attacked by monsters out of the Everfree all the time.”

“See—she's not a good mayor. I'd be better, I know it.”

Her companion shook her head. “Don't be silly.”

♥ ♥ ♥

The idea just wouldn't go out of Night Flower's head, so a week later she boarded the train for Ponyville. When she got there, she walked around a little bit, getting herself used to the town. She liked it—it was small and quaint and despite what Toffer had said, there wasn't a monster in sight.

It didn't take her very long to find the mayor's office, and like everything else in town, it was open and inviting, and despite her not being a resident—and the particular nature of her business—she still got an audience.

Night Flower got right to the point. “I challenge you to a fertility contest for the right of mayor of Ponyville.”

Mayor Mare's face tightened. “Very well. Challenge accepted. State your terms.”

“We don't need witnesses or anything like that?” The lawbook had been somewhat vague on that point.

“I trust you not to cheat. Do you trust me?”

Night Flower shrugged. “I guess.”

The mayor nodded. “There’s an election next fall. A moon before the election, we’ll have some impartial judges decide. If you win, I'll forfeit my candidacy.”

That sounded fair, so they shook hooves, and Night Flower took the evening train back to Canterlot.

♥ ♥ ♥

Finding a suitable stallion wasn't a challenge at all; her regular clientele provided her with plenty. And there were a few that she particularly enjoyed.

She dragged her hooves at first, because getting pregnant was going to mean that she couldn't work until after she’d had her foal, and because she wanted to eye her clients with a more critical eye than she normally did.

But she couldn't wait forever, and the second week after her return, she finally began dropping her contraceptive spell when the right stallions requested her services.

Somehow, the sex felt different now—more passionate, more real, and they noticed, too. It was her most meaningful week at work, and a fitting swan song.

Early that Saturday morning, she went to the doctor and her hopes were confirmed: she had conceived. It was far too early to know the sex of the foal, but that was okay.

♥ ♥ ♥

Night Flower had always been frugal with her bits, and so she had plenty to live on.

She stayed in Canterlot throughout the summer—she loved the nightlife too much to leave the city. But as the leaves began to turn, she decided it was time to move, and settle into her new life in Ponyville.

She rented a charming cottage near the edge of town, and her neighbors were all kind and friendly. They brought her casseroles and planted autumn flowers outside her house, along with rows of bulbs that would bloom in the spring.

It wasn't too long before she was a regular at Sugarcube Corner, starting her day off with pastries that were far better than any she'd ever had in Canterlot. They were bigger as well, which was good. She had more appetite now.

She occasionally saw the mayor around town, and studied her belly with a critical eye. Was she getting bigger? Showing sign of a foal? She barely was, yet—she could tell the difference, although anypony who didn't know her probably wouldn't see it.

Autumn in Ponyville was full of festivals and apple cider and the Running of the Leaves in Whitetail Woods, and then when the days had become chilly and short the whole town transformed for Nightmare Night.

Much to her surprise, Princess Luna visited Ponyville and celebrated Nightmare Night with them. Despite a lifetime of living in Canterlot, this was the closest she had ever seen the nocturnal Diarch.

Autumn turned to winter, and there was another town celebration when the weatherponies brought the first snowclouds. Hot chocolate replaced apple cider as the drink of choice, and the short days bustled with activities. Night Flower bought a beautiful scarf and hat from Rarity, and followed that with a quartet of snowboots. Rarity even fixed the princess dress she'd bought from Sassy Saddles when the Canterlot Carousel Boutique opened.

Everypony in town helped decorate for Hearth's Warming Eve, and Spike the Dragon introduced the pageant. While to her eye the stage wasn't as well-dressed as the one in Canterlot, she had to admit that the costumes were better, and everypony really got into their roles.

At the very end, Sweetie Belle and the Ponytones led the entire audience in Hearth's Warming carols, and then there was a cake and cookie buffet.

She waddled home—she’d eaten far more than she should have.

Foal Moon came, and at the end of the month she delivered a beautiful filly, which she named Jessamine. The mayor produced nothing, and in her heart she knew that she'd already won the contest.

She helped out a little bit during Winter Wrap Up. It was disappointing to not be allowed to use magic to help change the season, but if that was how the town did things, she would.

Just the same, when spring was in the air she sent several telegrams to Canterlot. A few of her favorite clients were willing to come to Ponyville for old time's sake.

Two weeks later, she was pregnant again, and her victory was assured.

♥ ♥ ♥

The summer brought campaign fliers. There were no serious candidates for mayor besides herself, Mayor Mare, and Tinsel Hat whose campaign was mostly a joke: she ran on a platform of dental hygiene and helper monkeys for every citizen of Ponyville.

Of course, Mayor Mare was far ahead in the polling, but Night Flower didn't care. She was going to win on a technicality.

Her few campaign speeches were not terribly well attended, but there were a few ponies who were interested enough in her to promise to vote for her, and as she refined her message and got comfortable at the podium, her audiences got a little bit bigger, eventually growing to several dozen ponies.

One week before her meeting with the mayor, she went to the hospital and got a thorough checkout for herself, Jessamine, and her unborn foal. It probably wasn't necessary, but she wanted to make sure that she covered all her bases.

They had agreed that Applejack, Golden Harvest, and Roma would judge, and that in the event that they couldn't reach a firm conclusion, Princess Twilight Sparkle would settle the debate. It was as fair a judging panel as Night Flower could have hoped for.

She brought all the paperwork in her saddlebags. She'd thought about bringing Jessamine, too, but there was really no need. Everypony in town had seen her, and gushed over her when Night Flower first brought her home.

Her ears flattened in confusion when she stepped into the mayor’s office. Instead of paperwork, Mayor Mare's desk was covered with fruits and vegetables. It looked like a market stall where the proprietrix couldn't decide what to sell and went with everything.

A second table had been set up, as well. She assumed that that was for her, although a bassinet would have been more appropriate. What game is she playing?

♥ ♥ ♥

It only took seconds for the judges to make their unanimous pronouncement. They studied the paperwork she'd provided, and then examined all the produce that the mayor had brought.

“Sorry, Sugarcube, but just havin' a foal don't cut it.”

“What do you mean? Why not? I'm plenty fertile! It didn’t even take a week!”

Roma shook her head. “It's not about having foals. Any mare can do that.”

“She couldn't.” Night Flower pointed an accusing hoof at the mayor. “Not even one. I bet she's not pregnant right now.”

“I'm not.” Mayor Mare shook her head. “I wondered . . . I never saw you out in a garden. I thought that you'd want to practice, or maybe spy on mine and see what I was growing. And then I thought that you could be growing indoor herbs or mushrooms or who knows what. I didn't think you'd misinterpret the law that badly.”

“You've got to be kidding me.”

“I guess when you're a whore, you think like a whore,” Golden Harvest muttered.

Night Flower stomped her hoof. “You take that back!”

Applejack shook her head. “Come on, Goldie, that was uncalled for. She had an honest misunderstanding, that's all. I seem to remember when you were a filly, you reburied your cornstalks 'cause you thought that all plants were supposed to be root vegetables.”

“Fine.” Golden Harvest flicked her tail. “I'm sorry I called you a whore. Even though you are.”

“There's no need to be cruel.” Mayor Mare said. “Night Flower is a very nice unicorn, and Jessamine is a beautiful filly. I’m sure her next foal will be just as beautiful. She's an asset to our community, and I'm proud to have her here. And if she chooses to plant herself a garden and challenge me in the next election, I would welcome it.”

Comments ( 75 )

Groan

Good and silly. I enjoyed it.

Dan
Dan #2 · Nov 1st, 2017 · · ·

Rather predictable punchline, methinks.

Yeah, saw the punchline coming, but still pretty good

8522743 8522744
Yeah, the punchline is really only a surprise to Night Flower. I figure most readers will figure it out by the first break.

8522733

Good and silly. I enjoyed it.

:heart:

i was hoping for a kid-in-me pun oh well

8522797
Oh, that would have been a good one.

8522811
not to late to add it

8522815
Done. We'll see if anybody notices.

8522825
quick delet the comments to prevent spoils

8522830
Eh, anybody who reads them will groan. It's all good (plus, my readers know by now to expect spoilers in the comments).

8522836
good to know plus when they read it it will be like wait a second then they reread it to find the pun haha

8522845
Exactly!

FWIW, I had considered an "I didn't see it coming" joke.

She's going to cause such a scandal at the next plowing contest...

8522884
maybe you can make a sequel to the story more focused on the foals and the mother as she tries again this time in the correct form of the contest (they really should change the name to prevent another incident like that tho)

8522890
Hmm, that would be an interesting story. She'd probably lose, though; unicorns suck at growing stuff.

Plus, by next spring she'll have two foals.

8522899
you could have it have a slice of life that follows the children

Is it bad I saw the twist ending from just reading the blurb?

8522907

Is it bad I saw the twist ending from just reading the blurb?

You've read enough of my comedies with twist endings. I'm not surprised at all.

That was just perfect earth pony humor! I wish someone would draw Night Flower when Applejack tells her she didn't win. That look would be priceless.
I should have picked up on the idea when everyone was planting flowers. I got it when the Mayors office was full of vegetables!
Great story, Biscuit!

The best part is, I bet she stays in ponyville to raise her daughters because she gets to love the place, and becomes an exemplar member of the community.
And also an extremely loving mother that doesn't regret it for even one second :twilightsmile:

Golden harvest was mean, though. It's an honest profession, after all!

Silly Night Flower.

8522885

She's going to cause such a scandal at the next plowing contest...

Yeah, that won't go well for her. It probably will go well for the unattached stallions in the crowd, though.

8522996

That was just perfect earth pony humor! I wish someone would draw Night Flower when Applejack tells her she didn't win. That look would be priceless.

Poor Night Flower. She thought she had it all figured out. . . .

I should have picked up on the idea when everyone was planting flowers. I got it when the Mayors office was full of vegetables!
Great story, Biscuit!

Thanks!

8523000

The best part is, I bet she stays in ponyville to raise her daughters because she gets to love the place, and becomes an exemplar member of the community.

Well, of course. Once you get used to a small town, you never want to leave it.

And also an extremely loving mother that doesn't regret it for even one second :twilightsmile:

If she spends a couple of days shadowing Mayor Mare--perhaps after a monster attack and the paperwork that surely goes with that--she might count her blessings that she didn't wind up winning.

Golden harvest was mean, though. It's an honest profession, after all!

And it's the oldest profession.

8523003

Silly Night Flower.

This is the reason why lawbooks cite case law, and why a pony needs to understand the context and intent of the law, rather than simply the words on the page.

8522909 You should've lampshaded that by having a random Twist show up at the end.

Double twist ending:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tXJAUFyvh2ts7TuOp3AmHD2v0N6flJiHra3FYqkj0jM/edit?usp=sharing

Put behind that link because I got too silly with it and it got too long. Though it does bring up really the only issue I have with this fic, and that IS the wording of the law.

I find it kind of hard to swallow that it'd be written in such a way. If it's meant to be a contest of veggies, plants and stuff then wouldn't it be called a 'garden' contest and not a freaking fertility contest!?

Of course I know little about 'law' so my 'twist ending' there probably wouldn't work, but I think it'd make a funny sequel. XD

:pinkiegasp: :rainbowlaugh: :facehoof: :trollestia:

Is all I have to say.

Can't say I saw much in terms of comedy here, but plenty of daawww. :twilightsmile:
Loved it, and Night flower is someone I'd like to hear more about one day. Your version of Equestria is just such a, for want of a better word, real place. How very pony and how very Ponyville.

8523263

You should've lampshaded that by having a random Twist show up at the end.

Like Applejack, Golden Harvest, and Roma all being Mayor Mare's daughters? Along with Night Flower?

Or do you mean, literally, Twist?

images6.fanpop.com/image/polls/1324000/1324434_1388699897008_full.png

8523339
Wow, that's a rather long response. :rainbowlaugh:

If it's over 1k, you ought to publish it as an alternate ending. Even if it is silly.

Though it does bring up really the only issue I have with this fic, and that IS the wording of the law.
I find it kind of hard to swallow that it'd be written in such a way. <spoiler>
Of course I know little about 'law' so my 'twist ending' there probably wouldn't work, but I think it'd make a funny sequel. XD

Well, there are cases where the actual written law doesn't exactly make sense as written (which is one of the reasons that we have courts to interpret what they actually mean). For example, the English Salmon Act of 1986 makes it illegal to handle salmon in a suspicious manner.

What they apparently meant was that it was not only illegal to poach salmon, but also illegal to possess a poached salmon, even if you weren't the one who did the poaching. But apparently the original wording of the law left something to be desired.

8523417

Can't say I saw much in terms of comedy here, but plenty of daawww. :twilightsmile:

:heart:

Loved it, and Night flower is someone I'd like to hear more about one day. Your version of Equestria is just such a, for want of a better word, real place. How very pony and how very Ponyville.

It would be a great place to live, wouldn't it? And Night Flower did turn out as a pretty cool character, even if she isn't all that smart when it comes to law.

What possessed you to write this?

8524982

What possessed you to write this?

I dunno. I had the idea when I was thinking about weird laws, and then thought that maybe to be mayor of an Earth Pony town you had to be able to prove you could grow stuff, and then I thought about how that might be misinterpreted by somepony who thought she could oust the mayor by producing foals, and it kind of went from there.

Oh, wait, you probably weren't asking why I got the idea. Well, the most direct answer to that question is probably poor impulse control.

8524619
Um word count is 1062.

Given it's a silly response to a story YOU wrote, I give you permission to do something with it if you want. Could just add it here.

If I published it as it's own story/alternate ending. I wouldn't feel right.
A: There's no guarantee that readers of this story would ever find it or read it.
B: It'd probably lead to 'please continue this!' comments, which I couldn't do right now.

...

I raise my eyebrow at you, sir.

8525507

I raise my eyebrow at you, sir.

At least you're not biting your thumb.

8525164

Given it's a silly response to a story YOU wrote, I give you permission to do something with it if you want. Could just add it here.

Hmm. I'm not sure that would actually be the appropriate place, although I don't know what the general fanon consensus on that is. Some writers do put omakes with the main story, and others have them published separately. The ones that I've done (at least one, maybe more) have been published on my account, with a link to the original.

If I published it as it's own story/alternate ending. I wouldn't feel right.
A: There's no guarantee that readers of this story would ever find it or read it.

Well, if you did publish it, I would certainly blog about it and put a link in this story to it, for readers who wanted the alternate ending. I can't guarantee that people would read it, of course, but then I can't guarantee that people will read my own stuff, either.

B: It'd probably lead to 'please continue this!' comments, which I couldn't do right now.

Heh, you wouldn't be alone in that. I just replied to three "please continue this" comments on another story, and there's a few of them for this one, too.


I'll think about it. I don't think I'd feel right making it another chapter to this story, but I could potentially publish it on my account in one of my other catchalls, or make it its own separate story (although I'd have to ask a mod about that).

8526927
Hmm, well you could just label it as: "Non-canon Bonus" maybe.

If you really don't mind my publishing it, then with your permission I'll touch it up and do so and just let you know so you can blog link to it. If you have anything you think would be neat to add, let me know. Who knows, maybe I'll find the time to write more of it after all. ^_^

that's like in school where you write a 20 page essay on how oxygen effects the world but it was supposed to be a quick answer on how oxygen takes up space...

just me?

8527175

If you really don't mind my publishing it, then with your permission I'll touch it up and do so and just let you know so you can blog link to it. If you have anything you think would be neat to add, let me know. Who knows, maybe I'll find the time to write more of it after all. ^_^

Yeah, it's probably better published on your account, 'cause that way you've got control over it if you need to make edits or whatever, plus then you get all the accolades for your work.

You're totally free to publish it. Obviously, put a link in to this story so people know what the context is, and when you've got it published, send me a PM and I'll put a note on this story, and make a blog post about it.

8527264

that's like in school where you write a 20 page essay on how oxygen effects the world but it was supposed to be a quick answer on how oxygen takes up space...

just me?

I wrote a several page essay on the seagull in O Pioneers. And a 70 page balanced budget proposal for government in high school. Granted, a lot of that 70 pages was numbers and graphs. . . .

she ran on a platform of dental hygiene and helper monkeys for every citizen of Ponyville.

I see what you did there. :moustache:


8532329
In school I wrote an essay about a Tupperware not realising that and oomblik was supposed to mean moment.

8545542
I see what you did there. :moustache:
:heart:

In school I wrote an essay about a Tupperware not realising that and oomblik was supposed to mean moment.

Huh?

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