Prereader, Editor, Cowriter, and Writer. My background is philosophy and accounting. My stories include heavy use of allusions, drama, and foolish ponies.
A pony learns some very important life lessons while risking his life doing some very everyday things like returning a book and going on a date.
Author Note: I designed the story in order to teach a writer for whom I edit that you don't need to use the character's name all the time. The main character does have a name; it just doesn't matter for this story. The allusion to Dante's Divine Comedy is intentional.
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Well this was just marvelous.
8486903
Glad you liked it!
I wanted to start small to get back into the swing of things. I am so exhausted by protagonists who seemed to be almost omniscient. I like layering different perspectives into the story. I especially enjoy making comedy out of what the reader knows but the protagonist doesn't.
Stay tuned the next couple days as more stories are coming that are longer. I actually had a bonus chapter planned for this story called "The Coup Leader". I could probably whip that up quickly if this story gets enough attention.
This is far more notable for the subtleties. Cadence in particular is presented with an especially amusing perspective shift. Though I admit there are a few things going on here that I don't understand.
What was the significance of Celestia's presence at the end of chapter one? She seems to teleport in for no obvious reason and then the chapter ends.
What happened at the end of chapter two, and why? There's a great deal going on here that doesn't seem to make very much sense. Your protagonist doesn't seem to realize that the "pink Earth pony mare" is the same "pink pony with a puffy mane" who's been helping him. That's fine. Not knowing things is very consistent with the themes in play. But for him to look at her and not recognize her seems to imply that Pinkie holding the sign is straight-maned depressed Pinkie. Which doesn't make much sense, and isn't consistent with what she's doing. At the same time, it seems implied that Pinkie and Rainbow Dash are working together to pull a prank. Ok, that's fine. But what exactly is the prank? Telling him to not look down and then knocking him over so he looks down? I'm not really seeing a prank here. You seem to be going for a Loony-Toons style joke of being able walk on air until you realize you're doing it. Ok...I guess. But that doesn't seem like Pinkie and Dash doing a prank. Obviously they didn't plan for him to take and not take all the required actions, without any input from them, to get the machine off the dock. So what's supposed to be going on?
Also, the date sequence is unclear. You have "a mare" (Rarity?) incorrectly receiving the letter and showing up for a date. But the intended recipient is a stallion. Are we to infer that there was such a lack of detail in the letter that she couldn't even pick up the fact that it was intended for someone of a different gender? At the same time, it seems fairly clear that this is a long distance relationship. It's implied in chapter two that your protagonist lives in Ponyville, but goes to Las Pegasus so the "main post office" can deliver his letter...and apparently there's such a huge distance that weeks go by between his receipt of a return letter and his actually showing for a date that appears to be in Canterlot. We don't know where exactly that letter was delivered to, but clearly it was very far away. How is that consistent with the mailmare delivering his original letter to merely the "wrong address" and then casually showing up to a date locally without noticing that anything was amiss?
Why is the romantic relationship in the story between two stallions? You make it subtle enough that it seems like it's supposed to lead up to something clever, but then you don't do anything with it. Chapters two and three are clearly related, but chapter one doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of the story. You have Celestia mysteriously appearing at the end of the first chapter, and then you give her name to the third chapter...but there doesn't seem to be any correlation.
There are a number of clever reference in this story and a few amusing cases of dramatic irony. But also a lot of stuff like the above that leave me wondering if you were simply throwing stuff at the wall without entirely thinking them through, hoping that something would stick.
8487131
Thanks for the criticism. A lot of it is fair.
In chapter one, Spike sends a letter to Celestia because he is concerned Twilight has lost it. We see he is concerned, and the protagonist gets a glimpse of green flame, which was him sending a letter.
The chapter ends with the protagonist not wanting to know. The reader might be able to guess that Celestia is there to calm the manic princess down.
This is criticism is extremely fair because I was very sparse in my details. The protagonist walks off the dock onto the clouds. Cartoon logic ensues, and he doesn't fall as long as he doesn't look down. It might be because an elaborate prank is being put on him. The reader doesn't know and won't know. I did consider originally having it be a prank though. I just decided in the end to make it ambiguous and hope the 'don't question it' motto stuck.
It is an important aspect of the protagonist that he doesn't really question important things like he should. He doesn't want to know what happens to Twilight and he doesn't want to know what is up his coltfriend. This is symbolically suppose to extend to the idea that the reader doesn't need the author to spell things out for them for the meaning to be gotten. I might have taken this too far it seems.
This is very fair. It was one point I had gripes about when writing it. It doesn't make much sense. The protagonist blames the local mailmare. He believes thinks that by going to the main hub in Las Pegasus, he can avoid the problem. A diligent reader will notice this is flawed logic because the local mailmare wouldn't have delivered the mail to the receiver due the long distance relationship. I decided to go with 'the protagonist isn't very bright' as my excuse.
I think if I rewrite this part of the scene, I will change it to mailmare drops the letter on the boutique door. I didn't say it was Rarity who got it and it wouldnt be in the current version given the long distance relationship. I don't remember saying whether the date was local or not, but I could be more specific.
There are two consequences from this. First, he uses pet names for his love and that helps to explain why a mare would think he is in love with her. Practically speaking, the pet names would be tell that he isn't writing to you if you didn't understand them, but the mare was desperate and in a state she wanted to believe they were for her. The pet names were also a symbolic way to tell the writer who inspired this story to use other names and titles to refer to their characters instead of their name.
The second reason for the relationship being between two stallions is that it makes the letting down of the mare more awkward. I could drive this home more in chapter two.
Other than that I don't think I have to make anything special out of the relationship. It is already a relationship with a changeling. The fact that they both look like guys shouldn't matter.
Very fair. Chapter one was the original sketch and the two latter chapters came afterwards, so the lack of relation between the two parts is my fault. I could explain in the beginning that he has some chores to do before sending his mail in chapter one, and then they would be connected.
The Celestia of chapter three, which I accidentally named, was originally going to be late to the summer sun celebration because she was busy with Twilight. I scrapped this later because the date happens weeks after chapter two. I could still understandably connect chapter one and three together with that nod though.
Anyways, I am going to rewrite a few bits of the story thanks to your criticisms.